Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Rosebud's not his sled, but I am going to spoil this one:

Ever see that Family Guy bit where Peter tapes a message over the first few minutes of Citizen Kane? "It's his sled. I just saved you two long, boobless hours." Today is in the same vein, although I'm going to spoil about the worst goddamn comic I've ever read. And I don't mean worst as in crummy art (but it has some) or shoddy writing (but it has tons) or weird plotholes (and it has those); I mean worst as in devoid of any entertainment value aside from bitching about it: The Batman Chronicles #21, featuring three Elseworlds tales.

The cover story is "Apocalypse Girl" from the Pander Brothers: a party girl from another dimension gets transported to a world where Batman laments that being co-opted for merchandise for the citizens undermines his ability to strike fear in the criminals. Oh, and the girl's touch causes disentegration. I'm not a big fan of the Pander Brothers' art, so this one didn't do much for me.

The second story...wow, DC paid people for this..."Citizen Wayne" "A Brian Michael Bendis/Michael Gaydos/Janice Chiang/Patricia Mulvihill Prodution" I typed that all out not only to show how pretentious this one was, but also so you know who to blame. After Bruce Foster Wayne dies, reporter Clark Kent is put on the story of what Wayne's final word meant: "Rosebud." Kent visits a drunk Selina Kyle, an aged James Gordon and bald Dick Grayson...oh, I can't take it anymore: "Rosebud" was engraved on the barrel of the gun that killed Bruce's parents. What, did Chill love his gun? Gift from his parents? Selling ad space on the barrel?

The sad thing is, Bendis can deliver some pretty good pulp fiction when he's on, and I think this story was before he got big at Marvel, and yet somehow an editor didn't roll it up and whack him on the nose with it...(And, I forgot to load that page earlier. Oopsie.)

Ugh, there's another story. Is it worse? Well, the story by Jordan B. Gorfinkel manages to be terrible even with Dick Giordano and Joe Rubinstein on art. It's a silent story, so you could make up your own narration; I suggest doing it in the voice of the movie trailers guy: "In a world, where everyone is Batman..."

Just about, I guess, except for the Batwomen, and the kids. A Batman and Batwoman drag (literally, drag) their young-Bruce looking son to see the Mark of Zorro, afterwards they're shot dead, and the Joe Chill-dressed shooter gives the son his Batman costume. "A New Batman is Born."

Urrrgh. Take a look at the cover again, so you don't make the same mistake. I paid a quarter for this comic, who do I see about getting it back?


SallyP said...

'Tis a far far better thing you do today googam, than you have ever done before.

Or something like that.

chiasaur11 said...

If only Bicycle Repairmen had been there, this tragedy could be averted.

Cheap Viagra said...

men I can't believe that someone in DC can imgine a comic in which was putt face to face Zorro VS Batman, men this is totally riduculous.