I swear I could hear "How Soon is Now" while reading this one.

I was momentarily really excited, because I never find these in my local quarter/dollar bins, and I thought this was the last issue of the series. It's not, but it's still a heck of an issue! From 1987, Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham #15, "To Oink or Not To Oink, or The Days of Swine and Roses" Written by Steve Mellor, pencils by Joe Albelo, inks by Pierre Fournier.

At the Daily Beagle, while J.Jonah Jackal puts his latest scheme into motion; Peter Porker works up the nerve to ask Batty Brant on a date. He is immediately shot down, but takes it calmly and maturely. Oh, that's a damn lie, you know he spirals into depression immediately: all that power, idol of millions, but can't get a date? But, since being Spider-Ham was probably the core of his problems, and because Peter was probably going to need a minute, we get Spider-Ham's origin! Which, honestly, I had heard before but thought was a joke: Peter had originally been a mere spider, albeit one with Peter Parker's hair, glasses, and fashion sense. May Porker had been working on an atomic hair dryer, that goes awry, and while irradiated she bites Peter, changing him from a spider, to a full grown pig! With spider-powers, as he discovers after wandering outside, nearly getting hit by a car, and climbing a wall and crushing a steel pipe. (That seems familiar somehow.)

Returning to check on May, she awakens and assumes Peter was his nephew: Peter was afraid if he told her the truth, the shock might be too much for her. Having gained May's scientific acumen, Peter builds web-shooters, to compensate for losing that ability, and makes a costume to fight crime.

Back in the present, Peter gets the usual hassle from his old bully, Flash Tomcat. Who's an idiot, but has a nice car and a hot girlfriend, which puts him two up on Peter; prompting him to quit being Spider-Ham. He then reports to Jonah at the Junior Newsboys Clubhouse, where Jonah and his interns are kitted out as superheroes, as part of an investigative piece. This is almost immediately sidetracked when they run into Andy Warthog and Mick Jaguar and get invited to a party with "all the beautiful animals." Cue some Warhol jokes and punny celebrity-animal names, then the Hobgobbler crashes the party, kidnapping Barbara Mandrill! With Jonah and the interns tuckered out from the party scene, it's up to Peter, who takes about two panels to get back into action: nobody else could do what he does, it had to be him. Spider-Ham saves Barbara, then Peter has to drive Jonah and everyone home.

Finally returning home himself, an exhausted Peter can't get out of Aunt May wanting to introduce him to someone...Mary Jane Waterbuffalo! Things are maybe looking up for Peter...if he could stay awake.

Man, I miss that art style for Spider-Ham. Also this issue: "The Mighty Scavengers" by Mike and Steve Mellor. And, still another USPS Statement of Ownership. Average number of copies sold during preceding 12 months (total paid circulation): 62,795. Actual number sold for issue nearest filing date (total paid circulation): 55,125. I think the GCD references the total print run, rather than just sold; but these might not have been good-enough numbers for 80's Marvel, since Peter Porker would be cancelled with #17.