"Flash Facts."

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There was an issue of JLA--looking it up, I think it was JLA #89, written by Joe Kelly--where Flash has to evacuate an entire city before it's destroyed so Dark J'onn J'onzz can reproduce. Yeah, anyway...Kelly has a line in there about Wally "sloughing off mass" afterwards, which would be a bit of technobabble to explain how he can achieve near-light speeds without being crushed by his own mass. But, it doesn't cover how skull-numbingly boring it must be to be the Flash sometimes. Just because he can do tedious, repetitive tasks in the blink of an eye; doesn't mean they aren't tedious and repetitive from his point of view.

While the Flash could doubtless evacuate a city in seconds; he couldn't, as Superman suggests, "put them back." He'd never remember where they all go...

The Blob figure from the X-Men: Evolution line probably isn't the best bystander figure--well, maybe that depends on where you live. I know I have other 'bystanders' floating around, but I don't have them as organized as I do for the kids.
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Today: Conan vs. venereal disease.

That might be a snide way of putting it, but pretty much. From 1986, Conan Annual #11, "Bride of the Oculist!" Written by James C. Owsley (a.k.a. Priest) with art by Ernie Chan.

The story is told by the aforementioned oculist, Richel, as he has a drink and watches men construct "the machine." A gallows. Although he occasionally ran into trouble with yokels who considered him an evil warlock; in the dive town of Vesci the oculist could go about his practice in relative peace. His bedside manner might be a bit lacking, however.

His office hours interrupted by a scabrous wreck seeking vengeance, Richel thinks quickly and forces his former patient out of an upper-floor window; as his current one is still clutching his eye-stump. Still, a passing snitch gets the idea that an oculist might be flush with gold, and feeds the info to a certain barbarian-turned-thief. Conan rides out for a little B&E, but wasn't expecting to run into the oculist's wife, Narada. Or her lover, Tolkhan. Kung-fu kicking the barbarian from behind, Tolkhan knocks out Conan, but Narada has an idea: make off with Richel's gold, and pin the crime on Conan.

Days later, Richel visits Conan in jail: he knows Conan was trying to rob him, but his wife beat them both to the punch. He offers Conan his freedom, if he can find Narada and the gold; and will split the gold with Conan if he succeeds. (Taking for granted Conan being too honorable to take the money and run.) Still, Conan may have his work cut out for him:

Being both the most logical suspect and due for an asswhupping, Conan visits Tolkhan. Despite being almost twice his age, Conan still delivers a solid beating to the young whippersnapper; who is actually heartbroken since Narada left him, with the gold. Conan tracks down the next name, a local baron, and here's where things get weird: the baron has became a recluse, since he appears to have contracted a rotting disease, almost like leprosy. Narrating, Richel explains he treated Narada's perfumes with "an elixir" that would give the disease to any man who kissed his wife, rotting first their flesh, then their mind.

Tolkhan catches up to Conan, having realized he's been infected by the oculist's revenge, but wanting to see his love before he dies. Conan's been snowed by women before; but he's old enough to not be especially sympathetic. Especially when the trail leads them to a bar full of poxy faces, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers, a small company of the army, a shepherd, and a Pictish chief. At the latter, they find the gold, but no sign of Narada.

Enraged, Tolkhan goes back to Richel's, where the oculist was planning to leave town. Knowing the disease is driving Tolkhan mad, Richel takes pity and lets him know where his beloved is: in a big jar in the closet. Richel killed Narada right off, claiming she'd run away with his money. (This hinges on their being some authority in the town that cared if Richel murdered his wife; in a lot of Conan stories he probably could've done so in broad daylight.) After a gruesome embrace with the pickled corpse, Tolkhan tries to kill Richel, but Conan arrives to pummel him unconscious again, then forces Richel to cure the boy.


His tale concluded, Richel challenges you to find a moral, as he faces the gallows. But not for murdering his wife: the man who lost an eye at the start of his story, was a vengeful captain of the guard. The now one-eyed guard, Conan, and a recovering Tolkhan watch as the oculist is strung up.

I have to wonder if Priest wasn't going through a breakup when he wrote this one. A bad breakup.

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If "Build Character through Perversity" doesn't inspire you, I don't know how to help you...

I have to do this every couple of years: come back to something I said I was going to come back to, some years prior. I had to a while back with my favorite Ann Nocenti Daredevil comic; and about a year ago I mentioned my second-favorite Riddler story...but not my favorite. So, let's get to it, since I randomly stumbled back into it today: from 1993, The Batman Adventures #10, "The Last Riddler Story" Written by Kelley Puckett, pencils by Mike Parobeck, inks by Rick Burchett.

When a shipment of rare jewels bound for the Gotham Museum are nearly stolen by criminal genius Mastermind, Batman and Gordon know his cohorts Mr. Nice and the Perfessor will give it a shot as well. The timing is inconvenient, though, since one of Batman's most persistent villains is getting out of jail tomorrow.

Persistent? Not this time. Even with the encouragement of his curiously familiar looking crew Eddie Nygma is hanging up the Riddler's derby hat. "I riddle my brains out and Batman catches me anyway! If only I could outsmart him just once..." A henchman points out Bats gets hit in the head a lot, so maybe he's dumber now. They manage to convince him by mangling the motto of the penitentiary he just got released from, so Riddler decides to give it one more shot, but if it doesn't work, that'll be the last riddles from him. He delivers the riddle via skywriting, but Batman's busy taking in the friendly armed robber, Mr. Nice.

The Riddler and his boys enjoy a pleasant afternoon, walking the streets and asking passersby their riddle, then bonking them on the head when they get it wrong. Admittedly, that does look fun; but one of the thugs is misty-eyed at the thought of never seeing their beloved boss this happy again. For his part, Batman admits to Alfred he really hasn't had time to look at the riddle, but he has to take care of the Perfessor first--Bats knows what the Perfessor is going to do, and has to take the sure thing. (I didn't scan it, but Bats is sharpening his Batarangs while he talks to Alfred, and if criminals saw that they'd be even more afraid of him.)

Sure enough, that night the Perfessor and his ungrateful little accomplice try for the jewels, but while Batman takes care of them, the Riddler and his gang make off with the prize! They get all the way to the sidewalk, before Batman beats the tar out of the gang. Riddler, though, is just crushed. How? How could Batman figure it out? Perhaps unwisely, Batman admits he didn't; he just happened to be there. And to the Riddler, that counts as a win, even as he's carted off to jail, the book literally thrown at him in court, and tossed back into prison...

You could read this issue just fine without noticing, but Mastermind, Mr. Nice, and the Perfessor were caricatured versions of DC editors Mike Carlin, Archie Goodwin, and Denny O'Neil. They would actually appear a few more times in the various incarnations of the book, until Goodwin's death in 1998.

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A project that I can safely say I probably won't get to anytime soon, is getting my pile of Nightcrawler stuff together for photos. I got this little figurine off eBay for $7.16 a couple weeks back; and while there apparently were other characters in this line, I have no idea how these were sold. Tomorrow, this will probably go on my desk at work!
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Playing with the recent DCUC Crime Syndicate five-pack (and making some snarky cracks) made me think how much I'd enjoy a similar Squadron Supreme set. Hyperion, Power Princess, Nightwing, Doctor Spectrum, and the Whizzer would be the obvious choices. Oddly, in continuity, that group was duplicated by the Grandmaster to make the villainous Squadron Sinister; where in reality the evil version appeared first. And they were both analogs of the Justice League, anyway; only Marvel would have the cheek to do it twice...

Unfortunately, the price point and relative obscurity of the Squadron notwithstanding, it would be a tough one to do, because which version should you make? Classic, Sal Buscema style? The maskless versions from Squadron Supreme #1 above? Or, heaven forfend, one of the modernized versions? I didn't read the Howard Chaykin one, but I read the J. Michael Straczynski/Gary Frank Supreme Power.

My main recollection of the latter was that it was less like any other incarnation of the Squadron, and more like "What if the Justice League were (almost) completely unlikable?" Straczynski's Whizzer and Dr. Spectrum seem OK, but Hyperion and Nightwing are more than a little insane; and his version of Power Princess, the Wonder Woman-analog, was straight-up eat-a-baby evil. What that says about anything, I don't know; but I gave it a couple years for some reason.


Scans from "The Utopia Principle" Written by Mark Gruenwald, pencils by Bob Hall, inks by John Beatty.

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80-Page Thursdays: Marvel Super-Heroes Spring Special #1!

Errr. I had this one next to my computer, and actually just double-checked to make sure I hadn't already written it up: Marvel Super-Heroes Spring Special #1. Featuring stories from Scott Lobdell, Fabian Nicieza, and others; and art from Steve Ditko, Ron Lim, and more. And it's got Moon Knight, Black Panther, Hercules, and more...in inventory stories. I think this incarnation of Marvel Super-Heroes was primarily for burning off unused fill-ins, so even if you get a story with name-brand creators, it was probably early work.

Over at Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep, they recently covered this issue's uncomfortably skeevy Brother Voodoo story, so we won't get back into that one. In the Moon Knight story, Marc follows up on his old supporting cast--good--but also appears in a mall, and fights a low-rent villain called the Raptor--bad. In fact, both the Moon Knight and Black Panther stories feature villains that are defeated by having their batteries taken out.

While the Hercules story does feature his terrible 80's costume, it does contrast his party-going doofus exterior with some of his mythological history and past tragedies. Although, it makes a pretty good argument for Herc having an aversion to archery; which does make me question his close friendship with Hawkeye. Anyway, that one's not a bad fill-in, which is kind of the best you can hope for here.
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"X-Forced."

We might come back to them, but I'm not sure how I feel about the current Uncanny X-Force book. I was lured into trying it since they brought in the Nightcrawler from the Age of Apocalypse--which was previously an alternate timeline, but somehow upgraded to an alternate universe. Anyway, the Nightcrawler from "Over There" (I'm a big Fringe fan.) stays in the 616, because he needs to murder the other immigrants from the AoA, like the Dark Beast and an evil Iceman, I think. So, he's not so much the friendly Kurt we lost for a plot beat in Second Coming; and he as much as tells Kitty that.

Since I came late to the book, I'm also not sure on Deadpool's involvement with the team. Or, if the caption boxes/voices in his head from his regular book follow him over there. I think Wolverine knew Wade wants to do good, and decided to use that...on his murder squad. Near as I can figure, X-Force is a straight-up wetworks team; which Logan runs along with his school. And his time on the Avengers. Actually, I don't really have a problem with Wolverine appearing in every third Marvel comic, even though I'm not a huge fan. It only seems like he's everywhere; the events of three or four comics can often take place in the same week. To be honest, even though he's getting to have it both ways, I do like the idea of Headmaster or Principal or Professor Logan: he's been through some hard times and done some bad things, and he's trying to make things better. Although it does underline my problem with Marvel lately, since Wolverine is somehow less of a dick than most of the Avengers right now.

Ugh. And as usual, the yellow balloons for Deadpool killed me again...
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