Things I Bitch About, Part 1

Wow, Hood Ornament Man gets all the chicks., originally uploaded by googum.

This is:

A. Once again, toys not in scale with one another...What? They are in scale? Oh.

B. Wow, Hood Ornament Man gets all the chicks.

C. Strength 18, Charisma 18, but Armor Class of 8.

D. Yeah, you wish that C was the geekiest reference we'll ever have here, but just wait.

Things I bitch about, part 1

Going the roundabout way on this one, so hang on.

The guy upfront with the awesome helmet is a Warlord figure, circa 1983. Not one I ever had as a kid, he was a good deal on ebay, though sans his weapons, and I believe he originally came with a mini-comic and a cape of some kind. As you can probably guess, the toys were not quite a knockoff, but in the same vein as Mattel's Masters of the Universe toys. He-Man ruled the boys' toy aisle at the time, and I think the Warlord's packaging even name-checked him: "Plays with Masters of the Universe figures," or some such.

The original comic from Mike Grell, however, predated Masters by many years. I know I saw an issue or two in passing around fifth grade or so, but some time later I found a 100 page DC Blue Ribbon Digest of the Warlord. Now, keep in mind I could be wrong about some of this: I don't think Warlord was a full length comic in the first place; it usually ran with a backup feature, possibly in order to get a cheaper mailing rate.

I remember the Barren Earth as the backup for most of the time I read it, but moving on: the digest version cuts and crams a ton of issues (short or not) into the complete (abridged) Deimos Saga, and it works suprisingly well as recompressed storytelling. Travis Morgan, the Warlord of the underground land Skartaris, starts the book with a short recap of the first four or so issues, then leading a rebellion against Deimos, killing him, going back to the surface world, picking up a hot Russian redhead as a sidekick, visiting a friend who's now a king and has a cursed battleax stuck to his hand(!), and I don't have the book next to me as I type this, but I don't think we're more than 40 pages in.

Which brings us to our first "Things I Bitch About" bulletpoint: I miss when comics were printed on the cheapest available paper. The current Marvel Essentials and DC Showcase volumes are the closest current approximations to the old digests or reprint comics, but they aren't quite the same bite-sized goodness.

To be fair, I have seen scans of reprints like the Legion of Super-Heroes archives, which are recolored and printed on great paper; and as such look way better than the pulpy reprints I got as a kid. But, while I first read old Superboy and the Legion comics at my mom's cousins' house for Thanksgiving; the digests were how I really got into the book. Who were all these characters? Well, with several issues worth in each digest, I was able to catch up and get a better understanding what was going on in the current Legion series. I was also exposed to the Legion of Super-Pets, the Substitute Heroes, and the noble sacrifice of a protoplasmic blob ("Proty," which would be like calling me "Whitey," or "Humey."), but again, neither here nor there.

The point is, you aren't going to turn kids onto the Legion of Super-Heroes, or comics in general, with fifty dollar archive editions. Those are for old stiffs like me--no, scratch that, old stiffs with more disposable income. Little kids are never going to get their grubby little hands on those.

Aside number one: although I don't have anywhere near a complete set, I do have several of the DC Digest volumes. Most were individual stories, but occasionally they would do "A Book-Length Shocker!" This could be a few issues or a complete storyline, perhaps editted of subplots, so you could read the whole thing. They weren't as good as the Warlord one, but how could they be?

Aside number two: Recently, I read a piece explaining the simple reason why Mattel's Barbie dolls have the "unrealistic" measurements that some feminists and others have been grousing about for years. Setting up an unhealthy, unattainable body image for little girls and whatnot, you know. Why would Mattel do this? Because Barbie's measurements have to be unrealistic, or her clothes wouldn't fit properly.

Seems so simple, doesn't it? I never thought of that either. But, if Barbie is an unrealistic, unattainable, false ideal; what's He-Man? Little boys in the 80's weren't all bulking up and hitting the 'roids and wearing fur underpants. I hope.