The hip on the Spider-Woman action figure I got the other day, that is. Kinda floppy. I picked up Wasp, Spider-Woman, and Beta Ray Bill, three of the MODOK wave, so I have MODOK face, stubby legs, and jet ass. They were out of Moon Knight already, and all the variants. I'll definitely get at least one Captain Marvel, either the original or Genis; but would prefer the Destroyer over Thorbuster Iron Man.
Spider-Woman came with the first issue of her series, which I don't think I had read before. I had forgotten the pheremone thing, or had thought that was a later addition, but she creeps other women out. Interesting idea, but I'm pretty sure it was dropped early on.
Although her cartoon didn't seem to give her a boost, Spider-Woman would eventually go on to greater fame and reknown as a New Avenger-slash-Bendis fetish. Things weren't always Wizard covers and breast-heavy statues for Jessica Drew, however. Witness her appearance in Marvel Two-in-one #85. She's on the cover there, if you look closely...no, not just in the corner box. She's unconscious, right above the UPC. Admittedly, the logos ate up a lot of cover space back in the day, and the dramatic blurb "Plus: The Final Fate of Giant-Man!" doesn't leave a lot of room either, especially with the dramatic image of Bill Foster taking a little nappy-nap. Dramatically! Of course, if this cover was done today, Spider-Woman's costume would be more suggestively ripped, and her chest and butt would be facing the reader somehow...ah, how far we've come.
Even though Spider-Woman gets the co-starring spot, this is more of a Giant-man story than anything. Hence the title, "The Final Fate of Giant-Man!" Written by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Ron Wilson, inks by Chic Stone. Bill Foster is on his way out, dying of radiation poisoning he received in his own comic, Black Goliath. During a fight with a villain named Atom Smasher, BG received the radiation, then Smasher was "shot in the back by his own people!"
Now too weak to work or continue as Giant-Man, Foster is having a bit of a pity party, mostly lamenting the fact that he didn't accomplish more with his life. Dying of radiation sickness can't be a picnic, but Bill isn't even losing his hair or anything; so when Mr. Fantastic says he wants to run more tests and Bill goes nuts on him, it seems a little high-strung. Reed, perhaps quite rightly, thinks it's moronic to refuse further treatment, but respects his wishes; and Ben volunteers to give his friend a lift back to L.A. in the Pogo Plane.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Spider-Woman is doing her secret identity's job: P.I. Jessica Drew was hired to investigate industrial robberies, and as Spider-Woman she spots a stealthy group robbing the ever-popular electronics warehouse. Did I say stealthy? As stealthy as a bunch of guys in purple and green bodysuits and hoods can be, I suppose. I know full well in old comics, where there wasn't a huge color palette to choose from, a lot of times the villains had to wear purple and green to contrast with the reds and blues of the heroes: Joker/Batman, Lex Luthor/Superman, Green Goblin/Spider-man, just for a few. I also know those villains can pull it off because they have character. Faceless goons in those colors look horrible and unbelievable. Unless you're going to go all out and get Steve Epting or someone to draw them. Seriously, the guy made the A.I.M. evil yellow beekeeper outfit look good.
Sigh. Moving on: A shadowy figure sees Spider-Woman is about to thrash his men, so he zaps her. Spider-Woman goes down, and thinks she can feel the radiation poisoning her. Wow. If you know firsthand what fatal radiation poisoning feels like, you're either a really good or just terrible superhero. Leaving her for dead, the shadowy figure and his men load up their completely inconspicuous flying saucer--excuse me, 'gyrojet'--and split with the goods back to L.A. After they leave, Spider-Woman recovers: "Once I've been exposed to any toxin or radiation--I become immune to it!" This is one of those spider-powers like Spider-sense or Totem-power; that is pretty much based on nothing. Thank god. Otherwise, my house would be full of spiders immune to poison, squashing, and open flame. She makes her way back to her apartment, notes her slutty roommate isn't home yet, and determines to trail the thieves back to L.A. since she heard them mention it. It must totally suck to be Spider-Woman, and have a roommate that goes on dates and has a normal life, while you spent the evening sprawled out on the concrete burning from radiation.
The next day, Bill Foster revisits Stark-West (I thought most of Stark International was 'west.' Oh well.) and his horrible, horrible staff. The 'Whiz Kids,' median age 39, includes a guy that looks like Doc Ock minus the arms and physical magnetism, and a red-headed mathmatician that wears a metal harness like a Captain Power character. Maybe all mathmaticians do, I couldn't say. He did have a hot physicist on the team, so score one for Bill; and they were nice enough to call his girlfriend, whom he hadn't even told he was dying. I tell you, I'm married, and if I ever disappear for more than 20 minutes, I better be dying.
Ben gives Bill some time with his friends, and worries that now he may just be a reminder that Bill's not long for the world. Geez, guilt much, Ben? Luckily, he stumbles across an unconscious security guard, and a batch of purple and green goons. The goons aren't much of a fight, but their boss is: Atom Smasher. Ben knows the story, that Smasher poisoned Bill but is supposed to be dead. Smasher laughs that off, and zaps the Thing through a wall. As the Smasher crew gets away, Jessica Drew arrives, ditches her trenchcoat, and arrives as Spider-Woman. Wait, Jessica just threw on her costume and a trenchcoat, then caught a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles? Well, there is something to be said for travelling light.
Well, time to get the story moving: Bill works up a scanner to track Atom Smasher's unique form of radiation. ("That's funny...there's a huge source of his radiation nearby...oh, it's me.") They also realize Atom Smasher is building a bomb:
Good luck getting that through security, guys.
In the proud, megalomaniacal tradition of Cobra Commander, Atom Smasher plans on killing millions, so his six or seven goons can loot the city "to their hearts' content!" Really, he says that! And eat all the wedding cakes, and steal Porsches and drive them into the ocean, and run the bases at Dodgers Stadium naked...that's a full afternoon. Oh, and then they can blackmail the world; although this story was set squarely in the Cold War, and somebody would've launched a missile or two at somebody after an incident like that. Well, Smasher's plan is still better thought out than Alexander Luthor's plan in Infinite Crisis.
Bill's tracker leads them to Smasher's hideout in seven panels total, which is pretty impressive. Spider-Woman and the Thing start smashing the hell out of the long-suffering goons, their monkey-looking 'Robotrons,' the infrastructure, everything. Smasher zaps Spider-Woman again, and this time Ben sees her walk off a lethal dose of radiation. As she explains her powers, Ben realizes that she may be able to help Bill. They probably maybe should've had that discussion while Atom Smasher wasn't about to irradiate L.A., though.
Bill fights off the pain to become Giant-Man again, and tries to stop Atom Smasher. He realizes this is the brother of the original, who was killed by a professional assassin Smasher II hired. Bill is on the ropes at first, and admits "Even in my prime, I was a second rate super hero! I never won a whole bout! But I refuse to die a loser!" He pounds Smasher until he runs out of strength, and Smasher tries to activate his Neutralode, which was damaged in the fight and explodes. An explosion that doesn't irradiate the city, blow up the building, or even kill Bill from about twenty feet away, but we'll let that go. I just don't like the cliche of the hero that won't kill, but he'll totally let the bad guy get blowed up in their defective doomsday whatsis. That one seems almost unique to comics, whereas in movies, it would run: hero has villain at his mercy, refuses to lower himself by killing villain, villain takes opportunity to try to kill hero, villain is shot/stabbed/falls to death. For example, watch the last five minutes of about every movie Ashley Judd has ever been in. Heroes: just shoot the villain while he's down. I won't think any less of you, in fact, I'll be impressed you're doing the smart thing.
With Smasher dead more or less by his own hand, this is another one in the loss column for Giant-Man, and he shrinks back down and collapses. Later at the hospital, a doctor comes running to Spider-Woman and the Thing. After "exhaustive tests" on her blood, done off panel in no time at all, they believe there are antibodies that would cure Bill, if he received a massive transfusion. But, because the radiation is still affecting her slightly, Spider-Woman could lose her "Immunity Factor" for good; which would of course leave her vulnerable to the many poisons, toxins, gases, and radioactivity she was exposed to on a pretty regular basis. She only hesitates a moment before agreeing to do it, probably because the doctor and Ben were right there staring at her, possibly kicking the floor: "Come on! He's a total player!"
For some reason, L.A. General has Kirbytech medical equipment, and Spider-Woman's feet appear to be restrained, but not the rest of her, nor is Bill restrained, IV'ed, monitored, or even covered. Drawing needles and doctor stuff is hard and gross! Bill recovers, although his internal organs were damaged to the point he could no longer be Giant-Man. Yes, because your spleen has to be in tip-top condition to facilitate growing 15 feet tall.
Musing this over, the Thing wanders over to Spider-Woman, who's already climbing the walls and kicking herself: not so much for losing that power, but that in saving Bill she may have given up the cure for cancer, an insight that never occurred to her before. She glides away before the Thing can tell her he doesn't feel sorry for her, because "ya saved the life of a good man--and gave him a second chance! That oughta be a touchdown on anybody's scorecard!"
Spider-Woman would go on losing powers, like her venom blasts; until she ended up a supporting character in Chris Claremont's Wolverine, reduced to a mere private investigator, shipped over to Madjripoor, and her long hair hacked off. Giant-Man actually came back first, since I seem to recall he returned in West Coast Avengers Annual #3. And then he would go on to be killed in Civil War#4, still severely lacking in the victories. So, you can go ahead and forget all about this 'final fate of Giant-Man,' I guess. As Ben thought on the last page of MTIO#85, "Some guys just ain't cut out for this kinda work! Not everybody can be the idol of millions!" Too true, Ben, too true; although I suppose that's the millions in France these days...
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