You've just rented a snowmobile to the Punisher. Kiss that--wait, that's not how that goes!

Something like 30 years ago, I had a girlfriend that took me snowmobiling: sorry to disappoint her, but I hated it ever so much. Because it wasn't something I'd ever done before (or ever wanted to do) I didn't have proper fancy gear, but even with borrowed equipment, I was still freezing my face off; and my choices were go faster and freeze more, or sit there and freeze. If snowmobiles are your bag, enjoy; but hard pass. I'll be inside...reading comics with snowmobiling. Sonuva...From 1991, the Punisher #49, "Death Below Zero" Written by Chuck Dixon, art by Ron Wagner.

Like the majority of Punisher comics at the time, this is a self-contained story this issue, but a much tighter one than usual. Frank's working the case of a kidnapped retail heiress, in western Pennsylvania: it's cold in the woods as he stakes out a cabin. The kidnappers had asked for $2 million, and while Frank thinks the family shouldn't pay on principle, he also admits he would have paid anything to save his family. When three of the kidnappers go to pick up the ransom, Frank figures he can kick down the door and take out the others easily. This leads to a rare tactical error, that Frank blames on a recession: he had been expecting five guys, maybe six tops, with three now gone. These guys were splitting $2 million nine ways. (I feel like there almost certainly was going to be backstabbing and betrayal in the kidnappers' future, even if everything had gone perfectly; but I also wonder if one or two of them weren't tagalongs, or included to keep them quiet, somebody's little brother their mom made them include, that sort of thing.)

In the ensuing shootout, Frank tells the heiress to go for his car, and she does: to the next county, leaving him high and dry--or rather, out in the cold. Frank's a good sport about it, honestly: do what you gotta do, lady. Although he had been winged, Frank is then able to double back around and steal the kidnappers' jeep, with the ransom, but the head kidnapper isn't concerned: it was out of gas, and the engine, brakes, and road all quit on Frank. Even in 1991, I don't know if completely out of gas, that would have done in the brakes! They probably should've had at least a little stopping power, but weather conditions and speed probably didn't help. (Looking it up, no, the brakes maybe might've worked a little, once.) Also, the head kidnapper is all smug, like he planned that: you planned on running out of gas in the woods?

Frank is able to get to cover, and still had the money. The kidnappers were down to five, but that meant a bigger share for each. Frank leaves a trap in a drainage culvert that gets one, but is not doing great as the temperature drops. The head kidnapper is not about to give up, since he figured if Frank died, nobody would find that money until spring; but they might find less of it, as Frank uses about fifty grand in a fire!

One of the kidnappers is killed by a wire Frank strings between trees, which decapitates him: hopefully, somebody clears that wire before civilians show up! Another snowmobile safety tip: maybe don't try to cross a frozen river on one; they don't freeze that solid. Frank has to dig deep to get the last two, on an ice floe in the river, but he sacrifices the money to do so: in Punisher stories of the time, Frank was always raking in fat stacks of cash from criminals, but it seemed like a cash-intensive enterprise. This issue reminded me, in the best way, of the best pulpy crime novels. Also, from another perspective, this is just another story of a serial killer attacking victims in a secluded cabin: it would be interesting to see this one from the other side! Grab this one if you see it, whether you enjoy snowmobiling or if you're normal.