"Patsy."

How did Hellcat get there so fast? Find out next time!

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This issue, Bart discovers comics, which of course leads to price gouging, short-packing, and violence.

From 1999, Impulse #51, "It's All Relative" Written by Todd DeZago, pencils by Ethan Van Sciver, inks by Prentis Rollins.

Young Impulse doesn't have any interest in comics, feeling they're "too slow," until his classmates' conversation about their favorite book "the After-life Avenger" inspires him to give them a try. At super-speed, Bart reads the entire run in seconds; with the exception of the rare #16. He's also less than enthused to realize it would be a month until the next issue...

Meanwhile, Nelson Arling, another fan of the After-life Avenger, is disappointed at the scarcity of action figures for the sidekick Cherub; but may have the means to do something about it: his dad was the super-villain Silver Fog, and Nelson had inherited his power to generate a tangible fog. As Impulse heads to Seattle to find ALA#16 for a friend, he bumps into Arling robbing a truck in search of Cherub, and a brief scuffle ensues. Bart manages to trick Arling by finding the Cherub figure at super-speed, and considers keeping it for his friend, but decides that wouldn't be fair. Meanwhile, in a last page reveal, Inertia plots against Bart, claiming he's only won by dumb luck and never against a real challenge...

I didn't read them at super-speed, but I've done the same as Bart here: discover a new comic, one that's been out for a while, catch up on all of it as fast as I could...then be stuck with that insufferable wait between issues! I know I've done that with Evan Dorkin's stuff, Preacher, Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye...
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I'm 90% sure the Legion had a code against killing, but Wildfire opens with an anti-matter blast...

Wildfire was a breakout success for a stretch of Legion of Super-Heroes comics: he had a ton of powers, including for a time those of several other Legionnaires. He was somewhat abrasive and cocky, which made him stand out from some of the other, more vanilla characters. And there was just a touch of body horror, since he was a disembodied ball of energy living in a body-shaped containment suit. But even he was no match for the Composite Superman...no matter how dumb that name was.

Ooh, Amalgamax. That's loads better...no, that'd be a better name for maybe a late 70's Atari 2600 competitor. Anyway, today we've got 1982's World's Finest Comics #284, "I...Amalgamax." Written by Cary Burkett, art by George Tuska. (With Adam Kubert...on letters.) The original Composite Superman had died years prior, but when a new one shows up, Superman has to blaze to the 30th century to get as much Legion of Super-Heroes back-up as he can before the new Composite kills Batman. They arrive in time, but although he takes the identity Amalgamax, he still has all of the powers of all of the Legion members (with the exceptions of ones that joined later, like Wildfire) and walks all over the team until Shrinking Violet triggers an alarm in his belt. Yeah, she does that for some guys--no! The alarm makes Amalgamax think his powers were going to time out, and he leaves to recharge.

Supes and Bats realize Amalgamax is really the alien Xan, who previously used the original Composite Superman in a revenge plot against the heroes for putting his space pirate daddy in space jail, where he died of an alien disease. So he kind of freaks out when he contracts the same disease that killed his father, with the alien microbes super-charged and as invulnerable as he was! Wildfire helpfully points out they have a cure for that in the future, but it won't work if Amalgamax has his powers, so he's forced to surrender. Hopefully, no one ever tells him it was a trick, an illusion created by Princess Projectra!

Wildfire is kind of unimpressed by Batman all issue, who's in the thick of things even with a tore-up outfit; and who gives Wildfire a bit of crap in the conclusion. Which seems a bit insensitive to a guy with no body; but he is a bit of a dick, yeah.
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If Looker's action figure came with this, it would be worth the deluxe price...

I picked this issue out of the clearance bins for fifty cents, because the cover featured Jim Aparo and Eclipso, but the real draws weren't listed: from 1987, the Outsiders #18, "...Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light!" Story by Mike W. Barr, art by Jim Aparo.

The South Pacific island of Diablo...ugh...is ground zero for this issue's weirdness; namely, an eclipse that won't end. Most of earth's heroes are running relief efforts against tidal-caused disasters, but Batman and the Outsiders are on Diablo facing Eclipso and his darkness-worshiping cultists. While the heroes are no match for Eclipso, Batman is able to hold him off by threatening to kill his former host body, Bruce Gordon. Eclipso still holds all the cards, though; and plans on murdering Gordon, Batman, and the Outsiders before taking Bruce's girlfriend Mona as his bride! The high priestess of the cultists is a little put-out by that, but Eclipso couldn't care less.

In the end, after being zapped with Geo-Force's null-gravity, a Metamorpho-powered light blast, and sliced up by Katana's sword; a weakened Eclipso is trapped once again in Bruce Gordon's body. (Where I'm not sure he'd be seen again until 1992's Eclipso: the Darkness Within event. No, hold the phone: Eclipso shows up just prior to that in the last couple issues or so of the Will Payton version of Starman.) Batman tells the Outsiders they've done well for themselves...but could maybe do better back with him!

Still, that's but a prelude to the main event: "Freeway of Fun Fear!" Written by Mike W. Barr, art by Brian Bolland! In her civilian identity of model Lia Briggs, Looker is appearing on the game show Freeway of Fun; with Metamorpho and his gal Sapphire in the studio audience. But a power-up that's supposed to give her go-cart a smoke screen instead delivers an oil slick and nearly kills her, so Lia re-enters the race as Looker...with a replacement go-cart:

OK, this story's a total bit of fluff, but Barr can just sit back and let Bolland draw the hell out of it. And Metamorpho is so friggin' great, I swear. Why the New 52 didn't feature a Looker/Metamorpho Wacky Racers-type book, is just another missed opportunity.

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80-Page Thursdays: Superman Family #189!

This issue has a great, striking Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez cover--with Jimmy, Krypto, Nightwing and Flamebird in the background--but the issue doesn't rise to the cover's level! From 1978, Superman Family #189, featuring stories by Tom Defalco, Bob Toomey, Gerry Conway, and more; and art by Kurt Schaffenberger, Juan Ortiz, Jack Abel, and more.

The Jimmy Olsen story "The Night of the Looters" tries to go a little topical, with new villain King Cougar emulating New York's 1977 blackout to loot Metropolis. Even with Superman fighting fires and a cameo from Black Lightning, it's up to Jimmy to stop KC; even though he's hindered by those stupid wannabe scoop-stealers we saw last time.

King Cougar looks an awful lot like the Aquabats' MC Bat Commander, though.

Next, Superman could become "The Mass Murderer from Krypton!" in the second part of a somewhat convoluted tale involving alien guerrillas and a deadly plague; with some red and white Kryptonite for good measure. Lois Lane has this issue's cover story, where an intelligence from a distant red star comes to earth and wants to claim Lois as its companion. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Krypto continues helping his friend P.I. Ed Lacy find his fugitive nephew in "The Second Fastest Dog in Oregon!" Nightwing and Flamebird star in "The Crime-Lord of Kandor," even though they don't get a lot closer to the titular figure this issue. And finally, Supergirl tries to clear her name from the Phantom Zone in "Memories of Menace!" Which also features Shyla, from Superman Family #183, so yay!

The next issue, Superman Family #190, appears to be the last of the 80-page ones; and I think it also featured one through-story that tied into each of the usual lead features. Haven't found it yet, but it's probably stronger than this one...

A Statement of Ownership, Management, and Circulation this issue puts the most recent total paid circulation (October 1977) at 95,109--and returns of about 208,000! This was pre-direct market, after all.
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"Holowreck."

Ah, the traditional holodeck! Complete with traditional holodeck malfunction. Traditionally, the holodeck is about as safe as a trip to Jurassic Park--in fact, the only thing conceivably more unsafe would be a holodeck visit to Jurassic Park.

In cheerier news, the imagination rainbow Deadpool uses is from a Spongebob Squarepants series 3 blind-bagged Mega Bloks figure. Love it.


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Ah, that's some good Doom face.

I'm not sure who Doctor Doom is talking to there, though. Besides the reader. And he gets a bit of the shaft, since on an earlier page, replacement-Doom Kristoff gets a full page spread!

From 1989, Thor #410, "Two Dooms to Destroy Me!" Written (and plotted) by Tom DeFalco, pencils (and plotted) by Ron Frenz, finishes by Joe Sinnott. Some years back, we checked out the final confrontation between Dr. Doom and his intended back-up copy Kristoff...except that was a dream sequence. I had to look it up, since I thought their conflict ran for years, and it did! Starting in 1987's Fantastic Four Annual #20 and continuing until Walt Simonson's elegant answer in 1991's Fantastic Four #350. Doom claims "No greater gift could I have bequeathed another...than to make him a true extension of myself!" Which is actually, really terrifying. But at this point, Kristoff held Latveria, and Doom was struggling to win it back; and in the previous issue, Doom stole Thor's hammer to use as part of his "time displacer!" (Doom breathlessly describes it as "through a process known only to Doom," which I imagine is like saying "patent pending" in conversation.)

While Doom freezes time in Latveria; Thor's current alter-ego Eric Masterson, Hercules, and She-Hulk follow to reclaim Mjolnir. She-Hulk's there as back-up and to fly the Quinjet, but Eric is powerless and Herc hasn't been at the top of his game lately, either: he had been having a somewhat uncharacteristic bout of nerves of late. The heroes battle Doom's robots, while Doom freezes time in Latveria and makes his way to his castle, where he'll be able to pop Kristoff at his leisure. Except Kristoff had thought of time displacement as well, and installed the appropriate counter-measures in his armor. (What counter-measures those would be, I couldn't say; but my intellect is sadly not the equal of Doom's!)

After a pitched battle, Doom manages to get Kristoff on the ropes, but while Doom couldn't shake Kristoff's conviction that he was the true Doom, Kristoff manages to place a tiny doubt in Doom's mind: if Kristoff is a copy of Doom, surely he is Doom's greatest achievement. If Doom was Doom, surely he couldn't just destroy his greatest achievement, right? Doom is given pause, possibly just so he can parse that out; but Eric manages to get to the hammer and bring back Thor, ending the time displacement. With troops loyal to Kristoff-Doom arriving, Dr. Doom is forced to flee...leaving a battered Kristoff to question why. The story ends with Doom, back in New York City, receiving an unexpected visit from a shadowed figure who offers "an act of vengeance!" which has its own logo, so you know it's a big deal.

Bonus: also this issue, a Volstagg story! In which a drunken Volstagg, making his way home from the tavern, is accosted by brigands. Or they may be animal rights activists, since they push him off his horse, because Volstagg on a horse is just mean. Still, Volstagg crushes--literally, in a couple unfortunate incidences--the bandits; either with drunken-fist style fighting or staggering luck. (I really want to find the Peter David Hulk issues with the Warriors Three, because there are some great lines with Volstagg: "There's not enough food for you here!" "Or anywhere," shouts another...)

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The longest-running Punisher series began in 1987, but flipping though an issue it seemed the title had a couple odd assumptions that may have ended with its run: first, that the Punisher absolutely had to have tech support. Second, that there absolutely had to be a Punisher. From 1995, Punisher #98, "Armies of the Night" Written by Chuck Dixon, pencils by Rod Whigham, inks by Rudy Nebres and L-Man. (Per the GCD, Elman Brown.)

Frank is trying to bring down scary druglord Cringe, who wears a leather gimp mask because his face was burnt off in a drug lab explosion, which seems like a setback in becoming a druglord. Cringe does have the underworld too scared to talk to Frank, so he's trying another angle; hitting a mob computer-slash-cash counting room. There, he meets Pony and Mouse, two young and self-admittedly kind of dumb hackers; and Frank offers them a better job. (Well, better in the sense that he won't shoot them right there, anyway.)

Microchip, Frank's long-time partner, was currently not working with him; although I'm not sure why from this issue. Still, he seems to feel there's still a need for a Punisher, and has been trying to recruit his own; former Navy Seal C.C. Initially, C.C. wants no part of it, so of course he returns home to find his nephew killed by a drive-by. He returns to Micro to see if the job's still open...

Lynn Michaels was mentioned in passing this issue as well, and I believe she was headlining one of the other Punisher titles of the time. (On or around Punisher War Journal #75. She's not well-remembered, possibly because this was out of the Punisher's heyday; and her costume shows a bit more skin than it probably should; but at least she was just the Punisher and not Lady Punisher or Ms. Punisher or She-Punisher...) The title seemed to be hinting that Frank might go too far, as Microchip believed, or was pushing himself too hard and getting too old to survive as the Punisher. Or it could be a feint, like Batman and Superman stories from the same period, where replacement heroes are never as good. Still, all three Punisher titles would wrap about six months after this one, leading up to Punisher: Double Edge: Alpha. Which was like Avengers: the Crossing for the Punisher: a big shake-up that was supposed to revitalize the character, but was instead all kinds of awful.
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This is the best photo you can expect after our business hours...

Ran out to Toys R Us and Wal-Mart last night for "Force Friday," and picked up possibly the last Star Wars Black Kylo Ren in my time zone. They'll make more. Right now Kylo's in that grace period, before the movie comes out, when we don't know if he's going to be the greatest villain ever, or Jar Jar Binks. (My wife says she loves Jar Jar, which may be one of those things she says just to get my goat...!)

Long weekend ahead, so have a good one!
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Apparently, Auntie Gravity is more likely to appear on Arrow than Ollie's goatee. Just as well.

If you were dying to find out how Green Arrow survived his encounter with Auntie Gravity...shame on you for lying, you were not! But today we're checking out "Gravitational Boom-a-rang" from 1980's World's Finest Comics #262, written by Gerry Conway, art by Romeo Tanghal and Vince Colletta.

When last we saw our hero, Green Arrow was being spun like a top, crushed by the centrifugal force created by Auntie Gravity. Unfortunately for her, she hadn't flown so far away the previous issue that Black Canary wasn't still within jogging distance, and Canary saves Arrow and kicks the snot out of Auntie's nephews, again! Before getting knocked out by a stray piece of tree, after she destroys it with her Canary cry before Auntie can smash her with it! Still, if you have any possible opportunity in life to shout out "I'm what happened!" as you make an entrance, you by god do it.

Auntie puts in an order for two mail-order brides, while one nephew wants Black Canary. Good luck with that, pal: Canary breaks her gag, kicks the nephews' collective ass a third time, with her hands tied behind her back; before using the Canary cry again to crumple their motor home on top of them and defeat Auntie Gravity! Green Arrow does absolutely nothing this story, yet still shows up for the final panel dénouement.

What Canary ever saw in him, I have no goddamn idea...May have to see if anything else happens this issue, later.
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"Friendship."

Did Marvel wrap up the Black Cat's grudge against Spider-Man before Secret Wars? I think they might've, but I wasn't paying close attention. Not my favorite plot thread, although admittedly I could see Felicia hanging on to it for a while.
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"The Past is a Foreign Country." So are old quarterbooks!

This is a book I know I have more than one of, but it's such a weird classic I don't mind picking up another: from 1991, Detective Comics #629, "The Hungry Grass!" Written by Peter Milligan, pencils by Jim Aparo, inks by Steve Leialoha. (Oddly, and I don't think it's related, but Milligan used the same title in Hellblazer #295!) And a Michael Golden cover!

Gotham City is under siege, by someone calling himself "Hungry," who has been making bizarre demands of the populace: "Red hats, shirts worn inside out, compulsory carrying of pornographic books..." And Hungry has backed up his threats, with over thirty mysterious deaths. The killings seem random, caused by seeming ghosts, appearing in the location of previous deaths; or victims forced to relive past crimes that occurred on the same spot.

Batman calls out Hungry, who calls him out to the decommissioned Blackgate Prison. (This was actually Blackgate's first appearance, and it was closed! Which seems kind of hard to believe, with Gotham so crime infested.) Hungry had been a prisoner there, but claimed he had been innocent, and calls Batman "a bent cop in Bat's clothing." Batman is confronted by the ghosts of past beatings, junkie cravings, and a suicide by hanging...all caused by mysterious grass clippings from Ireland.

It may seem odd to some now, but the mystery this issue is supernatural and makes no apologies for it: Batman may not understand the why of it, but quickly figures out how the grass works, dredging up past horrors. And to have classic Bat-artist Aparo draw this gives it a legitimacy that another artist might not have been able to bring. A great, great single issue; absolutely recommended.

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