Writer Jason Aaron caught some flak last week, for King Conan #3, wherein Conan meets a scantily-clad lady who had been cursed to try and keep sailors from reaching her side of the world. Probably would've been fine, except Aaron used the name Matoaka, the birth name of Pocahontas, a name way too loaded with historical meaning for this. Aaron apologized; and hopefully lesson learned. Co-incidentally, we have an Aaron book today: from 2015, Weirdworld #5, "The War of the Weird" Written by Jason Aaron, art by Mike Del Mundo.

Weirdworld got two short series between 2015 and 2016, and this was the conclusion of the first one, part of Secret Wars. Weirdworld was a domain in Doom's patchwork Battleworld, and itself cobbled together from various Marvel properties: this issue guests Crystar, Skull the Slayer, and Jennifer Kale and some Man-Things. But the book's lead had never had his own title before, despite being around for 45 years at that point: smelly barbarian Arkon! Canonically smelly; Morgan le Fey calls him out on it!

Arkon had spent the series searching for his home, Polemachus, which turns out to be under the floating island of Weirdworld. Is...is it inhabited, then? Or did everybody fall off already? Arkon had also apparently rejected the traditional hero's journey to unite the assorted nuts and tribes of Weirdworld against the tyranny of Morgan le Fey; but also inadvertently succeeded in reviving the hero that would: Crystar! Who had been "a bag of rocks" in the first issue; Arkon had thought Warbow was insane to think he could be restored, if he had ever been. The final battle looks pretty cool, with "Eyemazons" and Magma Men and a couple really determined butterflies who seem to be hauling a nuke (!?) but the whole thing is called on account of rain. Or rather, the fall of Doom, and an explosion that seems like the end of everything. More like a reset, as on earth a plane crashes into a floating island in the Bermuda Triangle, then some passengers are saved from an eye-spider creature by the now more-lost-than-ever Arkon.

I've lost track if I have all of both Weirdworld series; I don't think the second was as Arkon-focused. As a locale, Weirdworld would be used in Squadron Supreme and Extraordinary X-Men, but seemed to get forgotten afterwards, possibly in the push to the more 'grounded' Secret Empire. Pity this didn't take off, though; we could've maybe gotten Crystar and Arkon Marvel Legends! Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either. (EDIT: Yeesh, I couldn't even guess how many times I've accidentally called him 'Akron.' About as many times as I've called Peacemaker Peacekeeper, probably.)

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I don't always use it here, since I like to think I keep a cheery and conversational tone; but I have a pretty good vocabulary. Crap, did I say 'pretty good'? I should have said, um, extensive? Comprehensive? Voluminous? And yet I still had to look something up from today's book! From 1990, Doctor Strange, Sorcerer Supreme #13, "Arkon's New York Adventure" Written by Roy and Dann Thomas, art by Jackson Guice.

This was an Acts of Vengeance crossover, which is the diametrical opposite of say, a Secret Wars II crossover, in that they were predominantly superlative. (Pretty good!) We begin with Arkon the Imperion, somehow removed from his otherdimensional world of Polemachus to New York City, and throwing a tantrum in front of a movie theater. Why? Because Arkon 5 was playing, another sequel based on him, from probably third-hand accounts of his prior visits to earth. He claims "it was sworn" there would be no more of those movies--and I always assumed they were straight to video--but perhaps he should've gotten that in writing. The bystanders assume this is a publicity stunt, until Arkon starts punching them; but he's taken out of the action by the Enchantress, who has more important things for him to do. Like murdering Doctor Strange! Oh, and maybe Clea. Arkon's not sold on fighting the Enchantress's battles, until he remembers his royal spies had told her about Clea, "niece of the dread Dormammu." While she was allegedly hideous, marrying her would expand his turf, so...

Meanwhile, Clea and Stephen appear to be enjoying a quiet moment, even though he's plagued with problems: along with his younger brother returning as a vampire, this was the third straight AoV issue. Hobgoblin had attacked first, then the Enchantress and Executioner in #12, with Clea saving his ass. Oh, and I think a tell-all biography of Strange was hitting the bookstores and Baron Mordo was imprisoned in his basement, but Arkon's surprise entrance takes precedence! Arkon is surprised by Clea's beauty, which does sweeten the deal for him, as he seizes the dazed Clea. Strange follows them to Con Edison, where Arkon has inserted his "throbbing bolts"--gross--into a dynamo, which might explode if they fight with magic or those thunderbolts he carried around. Arkon declares his intent to kill Strange hand-to-hand; in a lapse of judgment Strange throws down with him, and catches a beating. Arkon was a much beefier guy than Strange, and probably had at least some super-strength, so it isn't long before Arkon beats him to death. (Plus, the damage Strange's hands took in his origin, I always expect them to shatter when he punches someone like this!)

The Enchantress arrives to check his work, as Con Ed is about to blow, but Strange rises even after they had both checked the body. Clea had tricked them, and is not impressed by Arkon in the slightest. She had less than no interest in becoming his queen; admittedly, Arkon did not seem to care if she wanted to or not either, he doesn't even seem to see her as a person. Clea notes she and Strange had "long since plighted a troth or two," which I had to look up: they had been engaged for quite some time.
The Enchantress bails, and a peeved Clea sends the churlish Arkon back where he come from: he swears to face her again on his world, and Clea whatevers that. Arkon better watch his mouth, she'll conquer his ass and make him like it. Strange thanks Clea for saving him again, and she downplays it a bit to save his feelings; but he claims to have left that part of his ego behind when he became sorcerer supreme. Together they swear to save Strange's brother, but the issue ends with an ominous 'while you were out' note. Or, at least the main story does; the remainder of the issue was "The Book of the Vishanti: The Curse of the Darkhold Part V, The Torch is Passed," part of a lengthy vampire history lesson.

I've mentioned before, some writers--Chris Claremont in X-Men Annual #3, for one--insist on portraying Arkon as handsome and noble, like Conan with lightning bolts. He's nowhere near that charming. Roy Thomas would pair him off with Thundra later, and man, she could do better. And PTOR pointed this one out way back then!
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Man, I'd kill for an Arkon figure...

...and I hate Arkon. I think I've hated just about every story I've seen him in, except for JLA/Avengers, where he's blown up. Sadly, he comes back.

Arkon is what you get if you were to make Conan the Barbarian an Avengers villain, by giving him stupid ass lightning bolts to throw and taking away all his charisma. In every story he shows up in, whatever super hero team is there, the lead female is inexplicably attracted to him; whether it's Storm, the Scarlet Witch, or the Invisible Woman; even though Arkon's got a creepy vibe and is from a planet of smelly barbarians. He's also the king of his extradimensional planet, and does the arrogant douche-king so well, he makes Namor look like Prince Charles. Although he's not so much a bad guy, just about every time he shows up it's a fight.

In this issue, West Coast Avengers #75, after some violence, kidnapping, and brainwashing; Arkon hooks up with Thundra. What's that expression about mixing five gallons of ice cream and five gallons of manure?

Yeah, and Thundra was maybe two gallons of ice cream at best. From "Hostages to Fortune" Written by Roy and Dann Thomas, art by Herb Trimpe, inking assist by Charles Barnett.

But even though I hate Arkon, man, an action figure of him would be absolutely perfect for Bastards of the Universe. Such a jerkass...I wish he had shown up for his beating in ROM (he never did, did he?) or Micronauts or Crystar.

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