I swear, I've seen Frank in a Santa suit more than Superman, Batman, maybe more than Santa at this point.

A beloved holiday tradition, somehow: Frank Castle, the Punisher, dressed up as Santa Claus. What could be more festive...if you like red, anyway. From 2005, Punisher: Red Xmas #1, written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray, pencils by Mark Texeira, inks by Jimmy Palmiotti.

Frank is Santa'd up for the first three pages of this one, as he uses the disguise to gun down a passel of mobsters; then glibly tell a crying child "they were naughty." (It's done for a joke, but operationally speaking there's no way Frank would start a firefight with bystanders that close; and as a dad there's no way he'd be so callous to a kid.) A newly minted batch of mob widows aren't about to take that lying down, though: their ringleader notes "our generation has become more proactive in the business, and I see no reason anything should change." Step one: everyone chips in five hundred large, for Suspiria. Not that one, or the original; but a Sicilian super hit-woman. (Have I seen Suspiria? I kinda thought I had seen the original, now I'm not sure.)

Come New Year's Eve, Frank murders another pile of generic mob guys at a strip club, again not really giving a lot of thought to noncombatants; but he's done and home before midnight. Just in time to see the news: Suspiria claims to have planted bombs under Times Square, and was sniping a civilian every two minutes until the Punisher arrives. The cops have halfway done their jobs: they haven't found any bombs yet, and have Suspiria in their sights, but can't take her out until they know for sure. Frank may have not caught that part about the bombs, or it wasn't reported; and goes and snipes her himself. Or so he thinks: the sniper was Suspiria's assistant, drawing Frank out so Suspiria can follow him home and try to kill him. She might get a little too cute, though: instead of lobbing multiple grenades at Frank, she asks him (in Sicilian) to "come play with me," and kisses, then bites him during the fight. Yeah, Elektra she ain't...

Frank catches Suspiria by slamming a window on her leg, then putting a bullet in it. Tied up, she refuses to give up her employers; unless Frank will kiss her, then sure! The next morning, Frank drops Suspiria either off a roof or out a window, onto the head mob widow's car. She calls the others, which just gets them all in one place for Frank, but she's still defiant even shot multiple times: "Better one day as a lion than a hundred as a sheep." Frank's answer is "whatever" and a stiff kick out yet another window. The remaining mob widows are granted a (somewhat surprising, and rather undeserved) stay of execution, as Frank gives them 24 hours to leave the country; but tells them they have to leave a donation for the families of the Times Square victims with a particular Santa before they go. Amusingly, their 'donations' wouldn't be out of place in Scrooge McDuck's money bin, apparently including actual coins...

Huh, this was actually from the same year as Ennis's the Cell, although that one was Marvel MAX and Red Xmas was Marvel Knights. Not quite like going from a hard-R to PG-13, but close. Meanwhile, I just rolled all the way back through the Punisher tag and didn't have any of his other Santa appearances here? Well, rest assured, there were a bunch of times. Enough times that it would be a legit action figure variant. Anyway, this weekend's my Christmas, then next week we'll start with "The End" week of last issues! And we've got a few with Frank there as well.
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In DC Comics, Santa has JLA membership. In Marvel, burglars dress up as him. Sounds fair.


Even though this wasn't a comic from my early childhood, the all new, all daring Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man #112 not only remains a favorite, but also almost the template for how I think of Spider-Man: a total hardluck sad-sack. "On Christmas Day" was written by Peter David, pencilled by Mark Beachum, and inked by Pat Redding. For good measure, a great Kyle Baker cover! At the time, David had previously gotten typecast as a writer of funny stories, and his work on Peter Parker may have been him trying to shake that by working in a bit grimmer, darker vein, although it too was often funny.

Not yet married to Mary Jane, Peter is in what charitably could be described as Christmas blues, but is probably more accurately long term depression: hopeless at work, no plans for the holidays, a fire-damaged apartment, and a really hot ex-girlfriend. (I don't think David hit the right notes for the Black Cat every time, but often.) Not to mention the eight or nine super-villains, crimelords, and assorted lunatics that attack Spidey on a regular basis, which this story doesn't mention.

Oh yeah, and a cat burglar dressed up like Santa Claus, a subplot that had been running in the shadows for a while. He would convince kids that if he could take their families' small appliances, he would bring them big ones for Christmas. Hey, kids were more innocent back then...in 1985...in New York.

OK, so the burglar was probably in more danger than the kids. Also, in full Santa gear, the burglar tries to escape Spidey by getting to the roof, which is just sad: you don't suppose someone who swings all over NYC is going to be able to catch you faster than you can get stray pepperoni out of your beard? Seriously, fake-Santa, you'd have a better chance of escape in a closet.

Before Spidey can deliver a present of web-wrapped pain, the real Santa gets the burglar and teaches him the error of his ways, possibly with a 12-piece set of glass ornaments, some bacon grease, and a funnel. Hey, these were grim-n-gritty times. Fake Santa gives out presents as he turns himself in, and gives Peter a message from Kris Kringle: "Call your aunt." Yes, Peter, there is a Santa Claus, and he got you...a post-it note. Geez, even a knockoff action-figure of Spidey would have been better than that.

Peter ends up having a pleasant Christmas morning with his Aunt May and Mary Jane (and MJ's horrible aunt, whom he could take or leave); but even then it looks like someone's plotting against him. Turns out it was a group of muggers seeking revenge on Aunt May's boyfriend, Ernie Popchik, for shooting some of them during an attempted robbery. And some people wonder why the Spider-Man books don't focus on the supporting cast anymore... Read more!