Scientists who only care about their research, working for a crazed dictator? Enh, I'm sure it'll turn out fine.

Usually when we see a Gold Key issue, the cover is the strongest component, but today the interiors are pretty good too! From 1978, Flash Gordon #20, "Citadel" Written by John Warner, art by Carlos Garzon.

Ming knows Flash, Dale, and Zarkov were back on Mongo; and nearing Citadel, his "city of science." The city's ruler, the radiant Queen Auralon, seems more interested in Zarkov; but she also appears to be literally glowing. Flash and crew fight giant bats on the ice, that are impervious to their usual ray guns; but are saved by Citadel guards with black-light weapons. Captured, they are taken to the city, and meet Auralon through hologram, which she refers to as a "security precaution." The scientists of the city don't really want to work for Ming, but don't have much choice: Auralon had been researching immortality, and she might have achieved it, with the unfortunate side effect of emitting lethal radiation. I'm mildly surprised that's a deal-breaker for Ming, but he does like his brides, I suppose, and probably wouldn't much care for them being immortal too. While Flash and Dale make an escape attempt, and realize the black-light guns only work on the bats; Zarkov makes a deal with Auralon, who's willing to betray Ming for a cure.

Ming and his disgraced, on-his-last-chance warlord ride to the Citadel on lizard mounts; since he had set Citadel up carefully: the radiation from the weird ice prevented rockets from flying over, and the Citadel's weapons only worked on the local wildlife. Auralon doesn't think Ming will destroy the city and kill everyone, since its science was invaluable. While Zarkov starts work on a particle accelerator, with an "emergency exit" Auralon spots immediately; Flash works out a defense: driving the bats into Ming's forces. Ming is pretty sure that's Flash's doing; but by now probably attributes every misfortune to Flash: mustache a little droopy, coffee not warm enough, cloudy day, whatever.

Zarkov begins his experiment with Auralon, but he, Flash, and Dale have to leave before he can see the results. Ming arrives in Citadel, takes out a bit of frustration on Auralon's head guard, then discovers she had been cured: no longer radioactive, and seemingly maybe a couple of decades older, although she didn't care if he killed her. Although it looks like he wants to strangle her, that would be a bit much for a Gold Key book, so Ming punches his warlord instead, who considers that Ming has failed in front of men he controls. Auralon gazes wistfully out into the ice, wishing Zarkov well; while Flash and company move on to the next adventure.

There's a wordy house ad with art from this issue, in this issue; and the classic sea-monkeys ad! Hmm, maybe not the classic, looks like the price had gone up a quarter.

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It doesn't roll off the tongue, but I guess once you're caught the name's no good anymore anyway.

A slightly older issue from my collection!...'Collection' is a misnomer there, it's an accumulation, if we get right down to it. From 1965, Batman #173, "Secret Identities for Sale!" Written by John Broome, pencils by Sheldon Moldoff, inks by Joe Giella; and "Walk, Batman -- To Your Doom!" Written by John Broome, pencils by Sheldon Moldoff, signed as Bob Kane, inks by Sid Greene. 

If you read or watch old sci-fi, sometimes it's interesting what they thought was within the realm of possibility. The idea that everyone might eventually have a little filmless camera that they keep with them 24-7, never would've occurred to them; but special film that can shoot through solid objects? Sure, makes sense! As Batman, Robin, and the police raid the hideout of masked crime boss Mr. Incognito...OK, that's a terrible name. The 'Mr.' seems unnecessary. Anyway, a paparazzi reporter sneaks in, to get pictures of Mr. Incognito with a film of his invention that would penetrate his mask. He offers to sell the photo to the mayor, for the bargain price of a million bucks. Cue a lot of hemming and hawing from the mayor: while he seems convinced the picture could be legit, he doesn't have a million just lying around. The reporter gives him a day to come up with the money, and the mayor calls in Batman and Robin, who immediately realize if that film can shoot through Mr. Incognito's mask...

(Bit of water damage there; this copy isn't minty-fresh!) Sure enough, the reporter is on the phone with Mr. Incognito, offering a photo of Batman and Robin's unmasked faces for a million. Which seems like a deal, two for one! It's unclear if the reporter planned on collecting from both Incognito and the city; that seems risky. At his photo shop, the reporter explains the 'science' of his photo, and shows Incognito in a mirror the unmasked Dynamic Duo...dressed in their regular clothes?! Come on. Batman and Robin smash through the requisite skylight, and the reporter goes for a gun, intent on escaping with the cash. Both Incognito and the reporter are beaten, arrested, and given long terms: ten years for the reporter for assault with a deadly weapon. Batman destroys the photo, and figures the bad guys wouldn't have gotten more than a glimpse of them and probably wouldn't recognize them anyway. A more modern story, both those guys would have to be super-dead by the end of it!

Also this issue: a Trix ad! Not my favorite cereal, but give the Rabbit some goddamn Trix already! Ah, that's always bothered me. I don't know if the ads for that are still running, but I also think they used to, every so many years, have an election or other special event and let the Rabbit have a bowl of Trix. Maybe they established that he got too out of hand afterwards: Rabbit destroys a hotel room, crashes a car, burns down a forest while on a feverish Trix binge...

Also also this issue: "Walk, Batman--To Your Doom!" Nice opening image there, although if I hadda draw something that Bob Kane was gonna slap his signature onto, I don't know if I'd go that hard. An open-and-shut case against "Bunky Galliver" goes awry when the jury surprisingly--and inexplicably--finds him not guilty. The district attorney has put together some photos of other juries that also seemed to drop bum verdicts; and Batman notices the same guy, in disguise, was on all those juries! (Anyone willingly taking that much jury duty sounds like a nut, it's gonna be Arkham for them!) The D.A. had also discovered, under the name of Knott the mysterious juror was now running for "governor of Gotham State," and what? Are there extra states in the DC universe, or just didn't want to saddle a real one with Gotham City? Knott is noted as running as an independent so no real party gets thrown under the bus... 

Batman and Robin go undercover, with Dick trailing Galliver and Bruce listening to Knott's campaign speeches. Bruce notes Knott didn't seem like a great candidate, yet still feels compelled to vote for him in the election; while Dick overhears Galliver mention a dead millionaire's house, ripe for the looting. They catch Galliver in the act, then look into Knott's work history, namely a year as a lab assistant. Visiting Knott's former place of work, they meet a somewhat doddering scientist who discovered "negative E-rays" that could reverse someone's normal behavior, but he didn't see a use for that and dropped that line of research: I'm kind of picturing Batman pinching the bridge of his nose here. But, Knott had suspected Batman might work it out, and gets the drop on them with his "positive E-ray" device, with which he can issue irresistible commands, like take a walk in the lake!

As they start walking up past their necks, Batman realizes Knott gave him another command earlier, to vote for him, which he wouldn't be able to do if he drowned. By focusing on the first command, Batman is able to last long enough to break the second, and pick up the struggling scientist and Robin to save them. Bats has to lock them up to keep them from walking into the lake again, then finds Knott at another campaign stop and just drops him, since he couldn't risk him issuing another command. Knott had just made a pitch to run for president, then immediately gets cold-cocked by Batman; you can see how that might look bad, but Batman had a good enough reputation that he's able to calm down the crowd, he had a good reason for it. The E-ray treatments are reversed, and Knott wasn't going to be on the ballot so Batman thought he was free of that command; although I wonder if he still wrote him in.

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Even though I love Walt Simonson's run on Thor to death, I hardly ever scan anything from it here; honestly, because you don't need me to tell you it's good. Some of the issues before he came on, though, could use a little love. Like today's book! From 1981, Thor #309, "Beware the Bombardiers!" Written by Bill Mantlo, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Chic Stone.

That's not the latest model of Batmobile, but rather the rocket-car of the arsonist crew the Bombardiers. They've been knocking down buildings for landlords looking to cash in on their insurance, and have begun to leave a trail of bodies in their wake. After destroying the Savoy Building, the Bombardiers have attracted some attention...because a rocket-car destroying buildings was oh-so-inconspicuous to begin with...and now Detective Blackbyrd, Dr. Donald Blake, and an old man's cat are on the case. The old man died in the Savoy, and the cat hangs out with Blake, not looking for kitty yum-yums, but vengeance!

A quintet of jerks in a rocket-car hardly seems a match for the God of Thunder, so the Bombardiers did have an ace up their sleeves: their car, and the cables they tie Thor up with, are "an alloy of adamantium!" Wait, could you make cables entirely of an unbreakable metal? Wouldn't they be unbendable, then? Maybe that explains how Thor snaps said cables when he gets pissed. The rocket-car is somewhat more of a problem, and Thor even compares it to Ultron...sick burn on you, Ultron.

Still, the car's windows are not unbreakable; as Blackbird is able to shoot them out; then the cat (!) gets in there, and goes for the eyes of the head Bombardier, who gets electrocuted by falling onto a control panel. The rocket-car takes off, and Thor makes sure it doesn't hit anything and saves the avenging cat; whom Thor probably should've adopted, if only to ensure it didn't kill again.

I have little hope of my Wife's cats avenging my death. At this point, I'd be glad if they weren't the cause of it...I had this issue as a kid, and I have to say, I still kind of dig it.

Bonus: I think Phillip Reed of Battlegrip mentioned it on Twitter some time ago, but if you read any Marvel comics the summer of 1981, you probably saw this ad for the game "Attack of the Mutants!" I never saw the game, but if someone made a six-inch scale version of that "brave little robot," I would buy it up in a heartbeat!
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Zen and the Art of Copyright Maintenance:

Brave and the Bold #132, "Batman--Dragon Slayer??" Written by Bob Haney, art by Jim Aparo, edited by Denny O'Neil. Why did I note the editing credit? Because Denny did a lot of stories with Richard Dragon, Kung-Fu Master; particularly in the Question. Dragon becomes Vic Sage's (the Question's) teacher, although in that series, he first appears in a wheelchair. How Richard was injured is not explained, until much later, when he just gets up: he knew Sage wasn't at a stage in his development that he would listen to and not challenge Dragon, so he had to present himself in a way that would reduce that.

I mention that because I'm still trying to figure out if that's clever, or outright dickery on Dragon's part, or a copout (i.e., O'Neil failing to come up with a suitable story for Dragon being crippled); and also because Denny put a lot of effort into making Dragon read as a serious disiciple of Eastern philosophy and wisdom. On the other hand, Haney writes with enthusiasum, but it's like he had a big lunch of Chinese food, a few fortune cookies, caught a late kung-fu matinee show, and then knocked out this script. (I just had to pause to look it up: Haney died in 2004, so there's no telling if he researched it or not.)

If I may be blunt: Richard Dragon just isn't as cool as Iron Fist. On any level. And I'm not even a huge Iron Fist fan: he's a superhero, with kung-fu accents. Dragon is more of a transplant: a kung-fu archetype in a superhero universe, which would liken him to the best home run hitter on the Dallas Cowboys lineup; that is, someone that would be impressive and interesting in another setting but seems lost or out of place where they are. It doesn't help that Dragon doesn't have a cool costume or battlecry. Maybe if they paired him up with someone: I might read Black Lightning/Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter. What?


Back to the story in hand, which begins with two punks about to "depopulate" an old man: "He's lived too long--consumin' too many goodies!" It's the first environmentalist hate crime! Or maybe they were looking for an excuse, and had just seen Soylent Green or something. Also, the first thug has a leopardskin vest, and may be a moonlighting Kraven the Hunter. The passing kung-fu master Richard Dragon kung-fu's the living snot out of them in the best David Carradine tradition, then helps the old man with the loan of a bike pump and a quarter for coffee.

One year later, Richard is visiting a dojo in Gotham City, when he is challenged by the Stylist. Oh, man, that name did not age well. It no longer evokes "a legendary karate killer for hire! A man outside the true path of the martial arts discipline--but one whose skill is supreme!" Now it sounds like the guy that forgets that tuft of hair on the back of my head is going to give Richard the hassle. (Actually, my father-in-law usually cuts my hair, does a great job, and very well could have nunchuks somewhere. Hi Dana!)

Although he has no beef with the Stylist, Dragon ends up fighting him with a park bench slat and pretty much spanks him. Which means it's time for Batman to show up, and DC cribs the classic Marvel Misunderstanding: Batman figures Dragon for a mugger, and has at him. For two solid pages, Batman is fought to a stand-off, although Dragon appears to be mostly fighting defensively. Eventually, Batman finally talks to Dragon, who explains how Bats has let the Stylist get away. Richard isn't sure why the Stylist attacked him, but Batman has noticed a limo that has been following them.

Batman pulls the driver out of his car, but he's only a messenger with a letter for Richard, that contains a quarter and a key to a safe deposit box in Vegas. Richard apparently has kung-fu instant recall, since he remembers the old man he gave a quarter to a year ago. Batman deduces the old man must have been eccentric billionaire Calvin Curtis, who recently died...I love that the B&B universe is full of eccentric billionaires, strange recluses, disappeared explorers, world-famous fill-in-the-blanks.

Figuring the box contains a will to a fortune, Batman sketches a portrait of Curtis on the fly, and Dragon recognizes him, but is still troubled by the Stylist. Batman says he will take care of him, but Dragon says they will meet if it is their destiny. See what I meant about the fortune cookies? Dragon always sounds articulate and profound, but if you break it down, everything he says boils down to 'whatever.'

Searching Gotham, Batman finds the Stylist practicing with his sai in a playground. Batman calls him out for possession of a deadly weapon, but the Stylist points out the sai is considered a defensive weapon, legal in Gotham, and quotes the legal code. The Stylist also tipped reporters, so Batman is then caught on camera smacking around a 'citizen,' although I'm not sure what kind of editing would be needed to make footage of Batman slapping a six-foot tall bald man with an eyepatch and kung-fu slippers look like a helpless victim being beaten. Since the Stylist hasn't committed any crimes yet, Batman isn't able to do anything, but it doesn't look like Bats is brought up on charges either.


The next night, the Stylist follows Dragon into the park, and challenges him again. This time Dragon has a sword, but when he doesn't bow in return, Stylist knows it's a trap (a disguised Batman) and takes off. A cop tries to stop him, and gets shanked pretty good for his trouble.

Dragon rejoins Batman to track the now-fugitive Stylist down, and follow up on a tip from an airplane frieght handler-slash-"follower of the discipline!" He explains an x-rayed crate had kung fu weapons in it, bound for Matanzas, Yucatan. Since they were already at the airport, Dragon and Batman take the next flight. (Either the 12:00, the 12:10, or the 12:15 Gotham to Matanzas direct...a joke completely stolen from the Simpsons, yeah.)

It's cool that Batman flies coach with Dragon, but it kind of takes away from his mystique. The B&B Batman isn't a grim, obsessed, lone-wolf avenger; he's an globetrotting cop with a more unusual uniform and will team up with anyone to get the job done.

I can see why some purists don't enjoy these stories, particularly when Batman says things like "Here's where kung fu teams up with Bat clout!" Still, these issues are fun, and of their time.

Batman (suddenly) remembers Carlos Esteban, former partner of Calvin Curtis, is now a crimelord operating in the Yucatan, and probably set the Stylist on Richard. Sure enough, in Esteban's fortress hideout, the Stylist is returning his fee for failing to kill Dragon. Esteban offers him more money to try again, but the Stylist has been shamed by his failure and wounding a bystander. Angered, Esteban tries to shoot him, but is stopped by Batman. In the ensuing fight, Esteban tries to machete Richard in the back, but is stopped by the Stylist, who then takes a long walk into the jungle and quicksand. Hmm, that cliche didn't fit there, but neither did his suicide.

Since this is the last page and everything needs to be wrapped up so Batman can go into next month's Deadman team-up, Dragon and Batman finally get to the safe deposit box and Curtis' will.

Cue trombone, wop wop waaaa...

I miss the little reminders at the end of the comic, "Next issue on sale during the third week in January" for example. I was going to say maybe those need to come back, to punish the late and the lazy ("Next issue on sale 2009") but those little lines would just kill comics completely, as reader after reader might come in on time for a book that isn't and never come back. Maybe 52 has these, I don't recall.

Bonus crazy ads!

Kids were offered a multitude of insanity for their allowance money in this one: models, comics, one of the most insane of the Hostess ads, awesome Power Records sets, the Calendar bank ("Boy, it sure has been June 3 for a while..."), buy land in Florida, Fuzz Roulette, monkey-looking Megos...would comics be better served by this kind of advertising again, versus big-ass car spots? Or have pop-up ads rendered these as obsolete as records and banks?
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