I opened this one up and swear I could hear the Schmatterhorn music.

Yes, I do have cartoons on an awful lot. From 1982, Unknown Soldier #264, featuring "Hell is a Cold Place!" Written by Bob Haney, pencils by Dick Ayers, inks by Gerry Talaoc; "Killers of the Sky! Chapter Three: A Coffin for Aces!" Written by Robert Kanigher, art by Dan Spiegle; and "George Washington Died Here!" Written by Bob Haney, pencils by José Delbo, inks by Andy Mushynsky. This is another one from late in the run, and I'm not sure if the back-up features were burning off war stories as DC sunsetted those titles, or if there was the hope that collectively they'd be enough of a draw to continue. In the opener, an Allied plane had crashed in Switzerland, on the treacherous mountain called "the Needle." The plane had been carrying a new, advanced bomb sight; and the Unknown Soldier was in a race with the Nazi "Black Knight" Von Stauffen. (Stauffen? Instead of potatoes--oh, never mind.) But, Stauffen wasn't even aware of the plane; this was more personal: he was lugging the corpse of his father up there, who had previously failed to conquer the mountain, and whose frozen corpsicle had recently been found in a glacier. (Found frozen in a block of ice and he didn't revive? R.I.P. to him but Americans are built different.) An American had beat the elder Von Stauffen to the top and died there; now the younger was going to toss the American's carcass and replace it with dad's, for a propaganda victory. With a little help from Von Stauffen getting tripped up by the American climber's bones, the Unknown Soldier beats him, but is too nice to leave him to die on the mountain. He returns to Switzerland with the bomb sight and the captured Von Stauffen (although I don't think he gets to keep him there!) as well as the American climber's diary, proof of Nazi lies.

"Killers of the Sky!" was a Balloon Buster feature, although his more-popular rival Enemy Ace also appears: they would keep fighting it out until the second-to-last issue. But, to save a young boy's sight, he had turned over a small child to Enemy Ace, to get him treatment in Berlin. The Buster, Steve Savage, had an almost pathological obsession with not being seen as "pore white trash" and is generally looked down upon by his elitist fellow pilots, although he was probably the best of them. He also seemed to get in trouble a lot, as he nearly catches the rope for letting Von Hammer escape after he returned the cured child; but Savage had a general that was pretty much his "guardian angel," keeping his direct C.O. from coming down on him.

Finally, a Tomahawk story--possibly the last Tomahawk story? His series had run from 1950 to 1972, but aside from the requisite Crisis on Infinite Earths cameos and such, he might not have appeared again until his Vertigo Visions in 1998. I think that one tied in more to Native American spiritualism but was still more "realistic" than Tomahawk's book usually ran: it was set during the Revolutionary War, but rather a more out-there version of it? In the vein of the Blackhawk books of the time. Previously, Tomahawk and his crew had been framed by the traitorous Lord Shilling, for the attempted assassination of George Washington; which of course was a ploy for Shilling to kill Washington himself! Tomahawk has to bust him and his boys out of the stockade, take Washington's place for Shilling's murder attempt, and then face Shilling for what could be their final duel. Shilling catches a tomahawk in the forehead and falls over a fortress's wall, but Tomahawk still seems positive he'd be back to hassle him again. Of course, the most unrealistic thing about this one is the notion that George Washington was ever wrong, or needed saving. Read more!

I was thinking of this one, since my theory was there were like maybe two Phantom Stranger stories people really remembered: the Secret Origins issue with four possible origins for him, and his Vertigo Visions one-shot. Then I pick up the latter, and realize I maybe hadn't read it before? So much for that theory...from 1993, Vertigo Visions: the Phantom Stranger #1, "Geronton" Written by Alisa Kwitney, art by Guy Davis. Cover by John Bolton.

As an old man with a distinctive hat watches from upstairs, Naomi Walker starts her first night shift, as the massive old age home Paradise Gardens. The orderly on duty is friendly--too friendly, as in a "call HR" kind of way--and the creep factor just keeps increasing: the first patient Naomi is introduced to is both medicated out of her mind, and had maggots in her hair. Later, another room is locked, with the occupant described as "prone to fits" and dangerous; which Naomi of course has to see for herself: it's the old man, who tries to warn her off. But, Naomi doesn't seem to scare easily, and is already taken with the house. Then a strange man appears outside--one that seems to resemble the old man...

I don't want to spoil anything on this one, and I'm trying to think of a way to phrase this that isn't condescending or disparaging, but if you were to make a list of common Vertigo themes and situations, this one checks a lot of boxes, in the best way! It also ties into what passed for continuity at Vertigo, with a plot point from Sandman that was used in Lucifer and Stanley and His Monster! I wasn't familiar with Alisa Kwitney, although we did see a Batman story from her some time back. Guy Davis of course draws the hell out of this: I was surprised that on the Vertigo checklist, he didn't draw that month's issue of Sandman Mystery Theatre. I had thought he did most of that run, since I'm thinking of his long run on B.P.R.D. I also love that Vertigo had a checklist; their cross-sell game was strong: there are multiple ads for Vertigo titles and even just as a brand, as well as the Vertigo-adjacent Garth Ennis Demon. Read more!

80-Page Thursdays: House of Mystery #253!

It's spooky season, and we should have a couple of these: from 1977, House of Mystery #253. Cover by Neal Adams.

In the framing sequence, Cain just wants a quiet evening in with the family photo album, but is interrupted by the arrival of his brother Abel and the witch Eve. Then, "Grave Labor!" is a fun opener, as Koslov from the Eastern Bloc visits Haiti and isn't impressed with the tourist voodoo show, he wants the real deal. Finding a bocor, Koslov pays well to observe the process to create a zombie, learning the formula and recording the ritual drumbeats; but leaves without bothering to learn the antidote; since why would he want to cure them? He wanted them to work, but this isn't an anti-capitalism number but anti-communist: lamenting the waste of simply killing enemies of the state, Koslov wanted to put them back on the job. He creates several, in a test run, to work in a mine; and they do fine...for a while, before turning on Koslov: in Haiti, the bocor muses Koslov should've listened to his warning. The slightest taste of salt would free the zombies from their master's control; so maybe Koslov shouldn't have put them to work in a salt mine. (Story by E. Nelson Bridwell, art by Bill Draut.)

"Images of the Dead" has a Twilight Zone feel: a scientist has finally perfected his process, to make a perfect duplicate of even a dead man. Unfortunately, his 'benefactor' took her revived husband and skipped the country; leaving him broke. But, an opportunity knocks, as his landlord asks for a replacement for his son; who was still alive but wanted for murder. They wanted a dupe to serve his sentence, and for a mere ten thousand the scientist obliges. But, the landlord worries about leaving him as a loose end, and sends a hitter to take the scientist out, which he does...or does he? (Story by John Albano, art by Tony DeZuniga.)

The cover story, "Demon Child," finds a babysitter thrilled with the opportunity: not to take care of a baby, but to get out of her house so she could read the Necronomicon. She summons a demon, which possesses the baby...or does it? (Story by Doug Moench, art by Alex Niño.) Then, "Photo Finish" ties into the framing sequence, as Abel tries to get some photography tips from DC VP Jack Adler, so he can get a nice pic of his brother. Yeah, that goes well.

"The Face of a God!" is a shaggy-dog western story, from Denny O'Neil and Gil Kane. (Inks by Bill Draut.) After a bank robbery goes south, the robber rides a horse hard to get away, but after finding a weird tribe of Aztecs he gets his. "More than Human" begins seemingly at the end, as an expedition to the north has captured a wolfman-creature, that is said to never die. The expedition's financier then begins his experiments on the creature, namely hacking bits off of it, to see if it heals up; since he was only interested in curing his own cancer. While his scientists disapprove, they are able to create a serum, but the financier is badly hurt when the creature escapes: with little alternative, the scientists inject him with the serum. It doesn't have much effect on a crushed skull...or does it? (Written by Jack Oleck, art by Romeo Tanghal and Bob Smith.)

"A House is for Haunting" is a variation of the old dared-to-spend-the-night-in-the-haunted-house story, as young Lacey is dared into it by Porter, who then stays behind to make sure Lacey is scared to death. It doesn't quite work! I feel like I've watched several haunting movies this year already; like those, this one seems to go fake-scare, fake-scare, real scare. (Written by Jack Oleck, pencils by Sandy Plunkett, inks by the great Klaus Janson!) 

Finally, Destiny arrives with a tale of his own, "The Actor," wherein a hack Victorian actor turns to crime, before meeting a little girl with magic powers. He promises to adopt her, if she makes him famous, but doesn't come through, and receives the traditional ironic punishment. (Script by Michael Fleisher, 'script continuity' by Russell Carley, art by Frank Redondo.)

For good measure, have an ad for some Batman stuff! Thirty-nine cents for postage and handling, if you can believe it.

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"Nitpick."

I don't think Kurt's ever actually seen Excalibur, the sword, properly; nor does he have any abiding faith in British monarchy: the sword is a powerful symbol of might for right, and it offends him to think of Mephisto all manhandling it. But has he bit off more than he can chew? Read more!

Drat, I thought I maybe had more of this one: from 2010, Batman Confidential #40, "Ghosts" Story and art by Sam Kieth.

On a chilly-looking night in Gotham, Batman is with Gordon at a crime scene, strangely covered with the scent of sulphur: it's an ingredient in gunpowder, but there was more of it than could be accounted for there. As murders continue among the homeless, Gordon asks Batman to contact a social worker, Callie Dean, to see if she had heard anything from her clients. But, Callie seems to be going through her own thing, as she was having dreams of her mother, and how she lost hear, to a scent of sulphur. (Callie Dean very much resembles Julie from the Maxx, but there might be more to her to be revealed later.)

The murderer reveals itself to Batman pretty quickly, though: some kind of sulphurous wisp, with teeth. It recognizes Batman, having seen him as a small boy, and is seemingly confused by the concept of "murder." (It seems to understand, "murder" would be when a life was taken too early; but didn't appear to have connected that to its own actions.) Batman is later attacked by the ghost, bitten badly and blacking out, but help was coming...

I'm 40% sure I've pulled another issue of Kieth's four-parter, but I'll have to keep digging for the rest. I was also momentarily stricken; why was this in Batman Confidential and not Legends of the Dark Knight? Legends is a better name, and I know it's returned since then. Oddly, I probably have the rest of Confidential after Kieth's run; I was getting them cheap from Hastings, and we saw the last issue some time back. Read more!

"His wildest foe ever!" Uh, it's a woman. Not even a particularly wild one, for that matter.

Also, the splash page makes it look like somebody is trying to horsewhip the train to go faster; but let's take a look anyway: from 1977, Kid Colt Outlaw #224, featuring "The Bounty Hunter and the Bullwhip!" Written by Ron Whyte, pencils by Dick Ayers, inks by Vince Colletta; and "McClintrock's Guns" Written by Sol Brodsky, pencils by Dick Ayers, inks by Vince Colletta; both from 1967's Kid Colt Outlaw #137.

Although still wanted himself, in the first story Kid Colt stops a train robbery by "Bullwhip" Bull Mason and his gang--I swear these comics use the name "Bull Mason" every issue for the black hat bad guy. Although, the character is straight out of central casting. The Kid is also trailed by bounty hunter Dude Hawkins, but they end up teaming up against Bull and his gang: it comes down to a fist fight, as these stories often did. Dude offers to team up with the Kid, but until he could clear his name, he had to ride alone.

"McClintrock's Guns!" is another pretty standard western plot, that probably has too much basis in fact, as an old man and his daughter are being muscled by McClintrock to sell their farm. "Muscled" is understating it a bit, the old man's gotten shot already; so Kid Colt rides to head that off, and after the usual getting-jumped-and-fighting-the-hands, he's surprised to find out McClintrock was--gasp!--a woman! Other than that, she's a stock skunk, hiring a new fancy gunman to take Kid Colt, who is deputized by the local citizens. The gunman gets the first shot in the draw, but Kid Colt's shot is straight, and that's about that, as McClintrock seems to get off with a slight scolding.

I'm always surprised when I find something like this, or Tarzan, from 1977, the Year of Star Wars: in fact, despite being a reprint book for some time, Kid Colt Outlaw would run to #229 in 1979.

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At first glance, the covers would seem to be the best part of this one, but maybe there's more to it? From 1992, Marvel Comics Presents #99, featuring two Sam Kieth covers: one a Byrne/Austin Wolverine tribute (the classic rising-from-the-sewers panel) and the other Ghost Rider, surrounded by little monsters strongly resembling the Isz from the Maxx!

The Ghost Rider story features those little monsters, D'sprytes, servants of D'spayre--man, that action figure should've included a couple of them! They try to turn innocents against Ghost Rider, but the Spirit of Vengeance doesn't take the bait. (Also, it's weird the bystanders are more concerned about Ghost Rider yelling and waving at nothing they could see, rather than the flaming skull and all.) Later, to try and make something out of that mess, Dan Ketch stops to help a homeless man. ("Fallen Spirits" Written by Dan Slott, art by Jimmy Palmiotti.)

Next, a Spider-Man story--aw, c'mon, he only had like six books at the time! This is more like an old Mr. & Mrs. Superman story; as Mary Jane accidentally leaves for work with a roll of Peter's film in her pocket, that he needed to get to the Bugle to get paid. Spidey is left to scramble after her, struggle through models, stop some random crimes, and MJ takes care of the problem herself. A question: MJ appears to be putting on makeup, before going to a modeling shoot, where she would be made-up again. Does she have to put on, like, walking around makeup? ("Has Anybody Seen My Gal?" Written by Susan Kennedy, pencils by Malcolm Davis, inks by Don Hudson and Andrew Pepoy.)

On the flipside, the usual Wolverine story is treading water a bit, since next month would be a bigger story: Nightmare torments Wolvie, until he wakes up. Felt like a lot of 'tributes,' i.e. swipes, in this one. Still, based on something I saw on BlueSky, I think this story was also included in some Halloween giveaway book. ("Hauntings" Plot by Rob Liefeld, script by Howard Mackie, pencils by Jim Valentino, inks by Bud la Rosa.)

Finally, "Razer's Edge" not only uses Puck's tortured backstory effectively, it also pits him against an unexpected baddie: Arcade, who wants to pull the demon Razer from Puck for his own uses. Unsurprisingly, Razer is not onboard with that, and Arcade is forced to let Puck take it back; although Puck still wants to get his little hands on Arcade for faking Heather's death to traumatize him. (Plot by Raz Mesinai, plot and script by Paula Foye, pencils by Joe Madureira, inks by Joe Rubinstein.)

The little throwaway numbers are the good ones today! Although, again, the covers are probably what anybody remembers. Read more!