It's kind of the inverse of the opening of UP; except there's ducks. And Badger. And a professional wrestler...

One simple trick for writing action-hero type material, whether for TV or movies or comics, is that sometimes the writer can make the bad guys such rat bastards that the audience is completely onboard with whatever the hero has to do to make them pay. Property damage, excessive force, violations of the laws of god and man, whatever, as long as those scumbags pay. Which is where Baron seems to be taking this one, but is there a twist...? From 1987, Badger #25, "The Duck Lady" Written by Mike Baron, pencils by Bill Reinhold, inks by Jim Sanders III.

"The Duck Lady" is rather dismissive, as Minerva Kuipers led a rich life in addition to that aspect: she had been a teacher, and her husband had built their house by the side of a Wisconsin lake. Retiring, the couple was happy there until he died in 1975. She stayed in the house, feeding and caring for the ducks on the lake; until years later, when sleazy developer Jerry Grate built a house next door, moving in with his three sons. (The oldest, from a previous marriage, it's noted.) Grate offers to buy Mrs. Kuipers out, but she declines. The next morning, after a late night partying, Jerry is awakened by the ducks, and throws a fit. He confronts and calls the cops on her for feeding them, then with his youngest two sons shoots several of the ducks. With seemingly nowhere else to turn, she writes a letter to a man she had only seen on television...you were expecting Morley Safer, maybe? Of course she wrote Badger, who's there almost immediately. He crashes the Grate family's latest party, giving the two younger brothers a bit of the what-for.

Badger had known this would escalate, and had already set up a tent in the woods to keep Mrs. Kuipers safe, as high and pissed, the Grates burn down her house. In a white camo version of his usual costume, Badger then kicks the tar out of them, leaving them calling for their big brother: pro wrestler Killdozer! Who had a girl up in his room, did not give a rat's ass what happened to his brothers, but maybe can't let somebody just run all over his dad, despite having nothing but admiration for Badger. Their fight doesn't go the distance, partially because Badger seems to be just dodging him, since Killdozer both didn't seem to have done anything wrong and was large enough to crush him. Instead, it's Mrs. Kuiper that saves the day, cracking her former student Brian 'Killdozer' Harris with a ruler! Despite his repeated mangling of the king's English (each followed by a crack from that ruler!) Killdozer still respected "the only teacher who ever cared about me," and says his dad will replace her house. Which Grate does, selling his place to Killdozer, and leaving Mrs. Kuiper and her ducks in peace, possibly only maybe disturbed by Badger. (Badger could speak with animals, although the ducks seem dubious.)

Also this issue: another installment of Clonezone, an odd name for a strip about a "lizardgator" hack comedian: basically Borscht belt, in the setting of Nexus. It's somewhat odd, and I have the feeling Baron enjoyed doing those more than any fans took to it, but it did sometimes have jokes! I swear there was one with a Gong Show-style rendition of "Feelings" that was so bad I could hear it, which is a mean feat for a comic book. Read more!

I may have groaned loudly at the reveal in this one, so now I'm passing it on to you! Uh, you're welcome. From 1977, Adventure Comics #453, "You Too Can Be a Super Hero!" Written by Bob Rozakis, pencils by John Calnan, inks by Murphy Anderson.

Returning from a visit to the Legion in the 30th century, Superboy makes a quick pass by Camp Smallville, where he saves a young girl from drowning before swinging back into town to change into Clark Kent and then return to camp. The girl gets grounded in her bunk by her older brother Anthony, and wishes she was a superhero herself: oh, how she'd make them pay then...Luckily for her, Superboy had brought back a magic crystal from Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #230, and things might be happening. Later that night, she's forced to go out to the campfire with the other kids, as Lana Lang tells a ghost story, with Clark and Pete Ross ready to jump out and scare them...with sheets over their heads, real low production values, guys. Transforming into Mighty Girl, the little girl clobbers ghost-Clark, with a punch that would've killed a regular kid. Switching to Superboy, he's able to get back to save Pete, with the usual lie that he had already 'saved' poor Clark. Next, with a fire spreading, Mighty Girl tries to stop it but instead spreads it with super-breath. (Aside: I feel like DC did this one every so often, where a girl gets the hero's powers but just causes problems with them. I suppose most super-powers took some practice, and an 11-year-old with Superboy's powers would be trouble, but it still felt pretty condescending and sexist.)

While Mighty Girl is ready to fight for her powers, Superboy throws the crystal into the sun to destroy it, taking them away. He tries to explain that you couldn't get super-powers by wishing, but training and experience were needed. Only briefly daunted, the little girl pipes up that she will be a super-heroine someday, and that little girl was...Barbara Gordon? The closing caption box asks if you put together the clues; which I didn't really see? Her brother Tony had maybe two appearances pre-Crisis, that's not much of a clue.

Also this issue: an Aqualad short, "Aqualad--Who is Thy Father!" (Written by Paul Kupperberg, pencils by Carl Potts, inks by Joe Rubenstein.) The Idylists of the underwater Hidden Valley have been stonewalling Aqualad, about who his father really was; refusing to reveal the secret, or the Hidden Valley would be doomed, and where would you get your ranch dressing then? (Boo!) Read more!

No, I didn't take my monicker from that lead story.

I don't think I had mentioned it yet, but the most recent comicon here really delivered on the cheap book front: I got another couple metric tons of $1-2 books. Like working in a quarry lugging them around, though...One thing I grabbed pretty much on instinct, was a big run of Wasteland, which I've mentioned before here. It was a more experimental horror/existential dread book from DC; pre-Vertigo but would've been more at home there; from John Ostrander and Del Close. A friend was getting that, back when it first hit shops (maybe Waldenbooks, back in the day?) and I read his: the stories weren't all hits for me but some are still memorable, even years later. From 1987, Wasteland #1, all stories by Ostrander and Close, cover by George Freeman.

"Foo Goo" is a standout; as two bored and tired detectives investigate a rather Victorian looking crime scene, four corpses around a sitting-room table, another 'foo goo' party. The titular mushroom was supposed to deliver a high like seeing god, but would immediately kill the taster: so, did the mushroom actually deliver the high, or the painless death? The only way to find out for sure, was to taste it for yourself. In flashback, we see the four party-goers take their bite, for various reasons: doubt, chasing that high, entered a pact, and boredom. The cops, not seeing any of that, can only speculate: one seemingly accepts that the world doesn't make sense and people are dumb, while the other seemingly considers taking a bite of foo himself...(Art by David Lloyd.)

"R.ab." is a bit of a shaggy-dog/Future Shock number: in a techy, overpopulated future, a vapid young woman is tired of the crowds and wants to marry and improve her station in life. She finds a suitable mate, equally shallow but rich: they seem happy enough until the husband gets a friend at the Child Center to move their names up the list, getting them a child...that neither seems to have any interest in taking care of, which drives a wedge into their marriage. Discussing divorce with an official, neither wants to take custody, so an "R.ab." is suggested, as easier for everyone...except the kid, of course. (Art by William Messner-Loebs.)

Finally, "Sewer Rats" is "a bit of autobiography" from Del Close, which largely involves him tripping balls beneath the streets of Chicago, with what appears to be a butane torch taped to his head for light. That feels unsafe...(Art by Don Simpson.)

A weird, massively idiosyncratic title; some of which you can probably find in quarter bins anywhere, but the distribution was maybe off for a couple issues. Progressive Ruin mentions, there had been an error misprinting all of issue #6 as #5. From the show, I have #1-2, #4, #6-10, #12, #14, #16-18. We'll see if any more turn up!  

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Ideally, the next one is "Timecrime," hopefully with Black Cat!

This is like a preview book, but also unlike one: from 2025, Timeslide #1, written by Steve Foxe, art by Ivan Fiorelli.

The main plot here is Bishop and Cable, teamed up to try and save Tempus, from the latest living weapon from the time-stretching Children of the Vault, Vacuna. (I think I've read all of two comics with Tempus in a speaking part, and was confusing her with the MLF's Tempo.) Mostly though, it's a framework to hang glimpses of the future, coming in the next year or so from Marvel! Or not, some of the future peeks are probably red herrings, or won't make it past later revisions. Skipped to a dark, techno-virus infested future, Bishop and Cable meet Bronze, who might be one of the last X-Men; and she gives them a list of events they should maybe do something about...no? Bishop at least acts like he wants to help, but Cable is more focused on the job at hand and kind of blows Bronze off.

Separated, Bishop and Cable land at earlier points in each other's timelines, to get a look at the tragedies that made them. Convenient! That gives them a little more appreciation, which leads to better teamwork, and they manage to loop Vacuna back on himself. The Children's Caretaker is given a harsh lecture about how the mutants adapted, and always would; although it's mildly unbelievable that Cable wouldn't immediately just put two bullets in him instead. Before leaving, Tempus advises them to forget the future teases they saw...I'm not sure how many I remember, that actually came about yet? And looking back at that list, at least four are Spider-Man storylines/problems; good luck getting help from Bishop and Cable there. (I'd actually love to see that, because they'd be both really condescending and completely unhelpful. "Have you considered just shooting the Rhino?" "Yeah, he's just a guy in a suit, he's not actually endangered." "Thanks, I got it, guys.")

Back in '22, Marvel did Timeless, which was not unlike this one except it featured Kang. Then another Timeless in 2023--still a #1, for that matter, as was Timeless #1 in 2024! I do have one of those three, although I didn't buy it new either; but it was handy for a reason...I think these remind me of some of the DC loss-leader/preview books, like Brave New World, but that was more a framing device around preview pages.  

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"Punch."

You very certainly could do a story where Pavitr Prabhakar takes down Hyperion, but it would have to be in a situation with more stakes for him. Like if whoever he had for an Aunt May or a Gwen Stacy was endangered. Doing it for Spider-Man 2099, or for pride...not quite. 

Also, I'm writing these like Grandmaster cares about seeing the fights: does he? Do the hardest of hardcore gamblers enjoy the actual event at all, or just the result? 

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I had the action figure, then the soundtrack, now this comic, and I still haven't played it?

Well, not the new one, anyway! From 2009, Bionic Commando: Chain of Command, written by Andy Diggle, art by Colin Wilson. Cover by Dave Gibbons!

No number, since this was a promo comic, no UPC, for the 2009 game, based on the '87 arcade game and its later ports and a 2008 enhanced remake, which retconned the unrelated 1985 Commando as part of the continuity! Nathan 'RAD' Spencer was the Bionic Commando, a decorated soldier after rescuing the captured Joseph "Super Joe" Gibson: Super Joe had been the player character in Commando as well as one of three choices in Mercs. Here, Joe was no longer a field officer, but gives Nathan his orders; to prevent a pair of bionically-augmented soldiers from defecting out of Alaska. In the course of the mission, Nathan discovers the soldiers weren't really defecting as much as running for their lives: bionic components had been forced upon them, but the government had maybe decided they didn't cost out and was decommissioning them, which would've been fatal. Taking their side, Nathan tries but seemingly fails to save them, when the army betrays him. His backup Magdalene is forced to retreat, while Nathan is arrested and court-martialed, ala the A-Team; setting up the start of the new game.

Plotwise, that's a little grim; and the original game was basically fighting neo-Nazis! Not necessarily here, but the remake also pulls a bit I didn't like from the first Mission: Impossible movie...I had only played the original arcade game, but I still got the update's NECA action figure in early 2009. Sadly, the update only got middling reviews, even though it had Mike Patton as Nathan's voice actor! Much later--maybe this year, even?--I got the Rearmed soundtrack from Internet Archive and love it. It's mostly remixes of the original game's music. Still, Bionic Commando hasn't been completely forgotten: he's managed to turn up in later Marvel vs. Capcom installments: you'd think I might play those, but honestly I haven't bought a system since PS2, and I still play that on occasion. Including the ported Bionic Commando! Maybe I'll take a run at it now... Read more!

It's been a while since we've had a random MCP, and here's one I would've been reading new off the rack: from 1988, Marvel Comics Presents #5, cover by John Buscema and Klaus Janson. 

Five issues in, this was five chapters into three serials, with only the last Daredevil feature a stand-alone. If I recall, this was Logan's second solo story, after his first limited. Having gotten his mutant clock cleaned by crimelord Roche and his thugs--namely vampiric Sapphire Styx and Razorfist--Logan spends this chapter recovering, rescued by Jessan Hoan. Who reveals, she knew he was Wolverine. The claws might've tipped her off. (Written by Chris Claremont, pencils by John Buscema, inks by Klaus Janson.)

I've read all of this Man-Thing story, but coming in now I'm at a loss: looks like yet another conspiracy around the Sallis version of the Super-Soldier Serum, a Satanist babe seemingly in control of Man-Thing, and an Ollie North-type testifying in front of Congress; that he may have acted 'unconventionally' but he did so for America, darn it. It's pretty obvious Gerber finds him more full of it than the Satanists. (Written by Steve Gerber, art by Tom Sutton.)

Likewise, the only thing I remember about this Shang-Chi serial, is that I think Leiko is taken hostage for most of it, and she loses a hand? I hadn't read much Master of Kung Fu when this came out, so Shang seemed strangely passive; like he's usually waiting for something to happen. Grindberg was doing a nice Neal Adams-feel there, though. (Written by Doug Moench, pencils by Tom Grindberg, inks by Dave Cockrum.)

Finally, the Daredevil short finds our hero trying to save a kid from a stalker. There's a little twist, but not much; but for eight pages, sure. (Written by Terry Kavanagh, pencils by Dwayne Turner, inks by Michael Gustovich.)

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