You either die a pirate, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain...wait, that's not right either.

You may have noticed, I traditionally don't scan the cover when I blog a comic; I just include a link to the Grand Comics Database. But, I have been scanning my Twilight Zone comics, partly because they have the nice old Gold Key painted covers; but also because TZ is one of those titles I used to only have a few of, so I could just grab them whenever I saw them cheap, and now I'm trying to avoid buying the same ones over and over. (See also: Kamandi, Groo the Wanderer, most Jonah Hex titles...) All that is to say, pretty nice cover on this one: from 1969, the Twilight Zone #29. No cover credit, but man, I hope that painting is still out there somewhere.

"Captain Clegg's Treasure" opens with Norton Mitchell having a bad day on the boat, tossed by a storm to the point he was looking forward to drowning. He enters a fogbank, then comes out to safety; for about 30 seconds, before he's picked up by pirates! Confused, Norton is forced at knifepoint to sign on as a pirate and hey, good timing, ship ahoy! Norton doesn't want to hurt anyone, but Captain Clegg makes it clear, he could fight, or he could die. On their second raid, Norton clonks a guy over the head; so he's meeting them halfway. After several weeks of pirate raids, he's had about enough, and tries to escape: Clegg catches him, and has him keelhauled. Norton survives, to the relief of his crewmates, who had taken a shine to the little weirdo. Cleeg takes him ashore to a small island, to bury some treasure: Norton tries to escape again, and is immediately captured again.

Cleeg's first mate murders some of the other sailors, at Cleeg's order, then Cleeg kills him. But Norton's third escape attempt is the charm, as he gets the longboat out and into a convenient fogbank...Norton drifts back into his own time, where he's rescued and taken to a hospital, muttering about pirates. The doctors think he must have cracked, but Norton ditches the hospital, and goes back and gets Clegg's treasure! A somewhat rare happy ending, but like Norton says, he earned it. (No art credit on that one, and I'm not sure I've seen any writing credits for these.)

Next, "Past...Present...Eternity" follows some students in Mexico City using hypnosis to explore past lives. Ray has a vivid tale of being a slave, working on the great pyramid; his pal Dick doesn't buy it. Ray is then killed on a drive, but his spirit comes back to...move a nail around? (Art by Joe Certa.)

Finally, in "Trapped Between Lives" Bernie Madsen is a sad nobody, selling peanuts at the ball game, convinced all 40,000 in the stadium have a better life than him. But, as often was the case in these stories, he finds a mysterious ad to "Change Your Life" which leads to a mysterious storefront and a mysterious salesman. The store is full of people, but they aren't customers, they're inventory: the salesman promises Bernie could become any of them. He picks a strapping blond man, and immediately becomes him, then remembers to ask the cost: a "very modest fee" of $500...a month. Oh, and he can't change back. Bernie is confident at first, but looks don't get him as far in business as he expected, and the $500 was coming due. He has a moment's respite when he realizes, wait, the salesman didn't know his name or where he lived...yeah, collections still finds him right enough, a thug that gives him a 'warning' square on the jaw.

Bernie turns to crime pretty quickly, which goes well for a minute, then south. He returns to the storefront, to try and get his old body back; but someone had bought it, wanting a simple, quiet life. Chased by the cops, Bernie ends up back at the ballfield, trying to lose himself in the crowd, but gets tripped by his old body! He's hauled off to jail, while the old Bernie is hailed as a hero. Rod Serling makes the traditional closing, like, it's makes you think, but it maybe doesn't? (Hey, full credits on this one! Written by Paul S. Newman, pencils by Art Saaf, inks (maybe) by Win Mortimer.) 

Two good ones this time, and the ever-popular US Postal Service Statement of Ownership: total paid circulation, single issue nearest to filing date, 225,841. Including 408 subscriptions!

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I think most billionaires couldn't get three steps into an Uncle Scrooge plan.

Which is almost a shame: there's killer ants later in this one, and I'd love to see billionaires try to get out of that one! ('Try' being the key word there.) From 1990, Walt Disney's Uncle Scrooge #249, "The Puffer" Plot by Paul Halas, script by Dave Angus, US script by Gary Gabner, art by Daniel Branca.

Uncle Scrooge is playing chess, while everyone else is playing checkers; in a scheme to donate his old steamship, the Puffer, to the Duckburg Museum: for a change, this wasn't for cash or a tax dodge or anything, but for glory. Only one problem: where did he put that thing...? This sets up a race against crooked rival McSwine, who sabotages Donald's luggage so they miss their flight, and he gets a one day head start to Burma.

Scrooge and the boys are disappointed to learn, the Puffer had been lost six years prior, when the crew had to abandon ship because of a volcano. They offer to buy the steamship currently in use, but it was on its way to pick up a load of garlic, and McSwine was already on his way to it. They nearly catch up to him when McSwine wrecks his motorboat, but that just gives him the opportunity to steal Scrooge's! As usual, Scrooge refuses to let a setback set him back, and opts to try and head overland to beat McSwine, but they don't need to when they find the beached Puffer! But can they get it back to the river...?

The locals, who had a hard tea harvest coming up, aren't real interested in helping out; until ant swarms attack their tea leaves, and them! It comes down to a race between McSwine's newly purchased Sister Percy and the Puffer: Scrooge had the skill, but his boat was loaded full of villagers and livestock. McSwine probably could've outlasted him, but panics and overstokes his boiler, blowing up his ship. The Puffer is settled into retirement as a museum piece; while McSwine seems to have forgotten why he wanted a steamship, as he tries to wrangle up villagers to salvage the Sister Percy... Read more!

"Fill Up."

Moon Knight was going to call Quasar "Wendy," as short for Wendell, but Vaughn is a cooler and more spy-sounding name. That, and like most cosmic types, I think Quasar would see something horrible, react for a moment, then move on. No shortage of terrible existential nightmares in space! 

And yay, Sleepwalker returns! Have I read any more of his comics since the last time he was here? I feel like I've bought some, sure, but...While I'm glad to see him, is Sleepy the one to free them from D'spayre?

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You've just rented a snowmobile to the Punisher. Kiss that--wait, that's not how that goes!

Something like 30 years ago, I had a girlfriend that took me snowmobiling: sorry to disappoint her, but I hated it ever so much. Because it wasn't something I'd ever done before (or ever wanted to do) I didn't have proper fancy gear, but even with borrowed equipment, I was still freezing my face off; and my choices were go faster and freeze more, or sit there and freeze. If snowmobiles are your bag, enjoy; but hard pass. I'll be inside...reading comics with snowmobiling. Sonuva...From 1991, the Punisher #49, "Death Below Zero" Written by Chuck Dixon, art by Ron Wagner.

Like the majority of Punisher comics at the time, this is a self-contained story this issue, but a much tighter one than usual. Frank's working the case of a kidnapped retail heiress, in western Pennsylvania: it's cold in the woods as he stakes out a cabin. The kidnappers had asked for $2 million, and while Frank thinks the family shouldn't pay on principle, he also admits he would have paid anything to save his family. When three of the kidnappers go to pick up the ransom, Frank figures he can kick down the door and take out the others easily. This leads to a rare tactical error, that Frank blames on a recession: he had been expecting five guys, maybe six tops, with three now gone. These guys were splitting $2 million nine ways. (I feel like there almost certainly was going to be backstabbing and betrayal in the kidnappers' future, even if everything had gone perfectly; but I also wonder if one or two of them weren't tagalongs, or included to keep them quiet, somebody's little brother their mom made them include, that sort of thing.)

In the ensuing shootout, Frank tells the heiress to go for his car, and she does: to the next county, leaving him high and dry--or rather, out in the cold. Frank's a good sport about it, honestly: do what you gotta do, lady. Although he had been winged, Frank is then able to double back around and steal the kidnappers' jeep, with the ransom, but the head kidnapper isn't concerned: it was out of gas, and the engine, brakes, and road all quit on Frank. Even in 1991, I don't know if completely out of gas, that would have done in the brakes! They probably should've had at least a little stopping power, but weather conditions and speed probably didn't help. (Looking it up, no, the brakes maybe might've worked a little, once.) Also, the head kidnapper is all smug, like he planned that: you planned on running out of gas in the woods?

Frank is able to get to cover, and still had the money. The kidnappers were down to five, but that meant a bigger share for each. Frank leaves a trap in a drainage culvert that gets one, but is not doing great as the temperature drops. The head kidnapper is not about to give up, since he figured if Frank died, nobody would find that money until spring; but they might find less of it, as Frank uses about fifty grand in a fire!

One of the kidnappers is killed by a wire Frank strings between trees, which decapitates him: hopefully, somebody clears that wire before civilians show up! Another snowmobile safety tip: maybe don't try to cross a frozen river on one; they don't freeze that solid. Frank has to dig deep to get the last two, on an ice floe in the river, but he sacrifices the money to do so: in Punisher stories of the time, Frank was always raking in fat stacks of cash from criminals, but it seemed like a cash-intensive enterprise. This issue reminded me, in the best way, of the best pulpy crime novels. Also, from another perspective, this is just another story of a serial killer attacking victims in a secluded cabin: it would be interesting to see this one from the other side! Grab this one if you see it, whether you enjoy snowmobiling or if you're normal. Read more!

That tiger-guy's been doing the ab work; really seeing the gains.

I had absolutely no idea who was on the cover of this issue; I thought it might have been Tiger-Man from Atlas Comics! Nope, but we've seen this guy before! From 1995, Daredevil #336, "Humanity's Fathom, part four of five" Written by Gregory Wright, pencils by Tom Grindberg, inks by Don Hudson.

We're coming in the middle of this one, but the Devourer has returned, brought back by someone that I think we're supposed to think was the Kingpin but I don't think was. Wait, we've seen the next issue some time back: it's underground Kingpin-lookalike...King. Trying to prove the innocence of two underground-dwellers, Daredevil was mid-fight with the Devourer, Bushwacker, and the Demolisher--the pre-Crisis, er, original, Deathlok! Who has some crazy hair going! He's gotta be a Hair Club for Men customer; Deathlok had basically been a bionic corpse, there's no way he grew that! Well, if it makes him feel good, I guess: the Demolisher doesn't want in on any of this, but ends up zapping the Devourer with a plasma cannon, reducing him to a pile of goo. (Maybe the Devourer didn't possess somebody this time. There was a magic knife involved, so it probably could've been brought back whenever, if somebody had a hankering to.) Bushwacker just leaves mid-fight, partly because too much was going on, but he also had a grievance with his employer. Marvel's "Peacekeeper" appears: again, this was maybe going to be the Golden Age Angel, but the continuity maybe didn't work out. Later, DD has a pretty hacker in her underwear, blackmailed to expose Bushwacker's boss; and Randi visits "Jack Batlin" to flirt: Matt doesn't bite, because he was already unhappy with his con-man identity, and seemed determined not to enjoy himself at all.

Also this issue: a three-page teaser for the D.G. Chichester/Scott McDaniel Elektra mini-series. Which Frank Miller was probably not thrilled about. I think that was a prestige-format title, which I don't think I've read; but the coloring/newsprint didn't seem to be working for it. Also, the short concludes with Elektra kicking the bad guy out of a third-story window, then four cops shoot the guy before he hits the ground! Read more!

"The Numbers Game" in issue #69? Yeah, I'm sure that's a coincidence.

So I found several more Twilight Zone's in a box, and I can't remember if I didn't blog them before because I didn't want to do a bunch at once, or if they were terrible. I have no recollection of this particular issue, so I guess we'll see now! From 1976, The Twilight Zone #69, cover and lead story by Jack Sparling.

Back in the day, before my time even, I think people were worried about Social Security numbers, being reduced from a person with hopes and dreams and needs to mere information. Some of those people are probably still around now, all their info is probably on the dark web or just Facebook; I wonder if they even remember their concerns? "The Numbers Game" is a future story, where an amnesiac in a totalitarian society is chased by state security and rebels, and doesn't know why, just that he doesn't have a "life number." Given the temp name "Alan Ladox" he's chased around the city by both sides, with only one clue in his head: the number 15285. It's not a life number, what is it? 

Despite the future society being run by computer, it's not completely awful, as the state police on two occasions don't open fire on children or unarmed civilians. That feels more fantastic than anything I've seen in these to date! But Alan puts together several pieces: the government had been trying to hide the number of people that were against it (most arrested rebels were classified as "shoplifters" and such) and he had destroyed "SUMBAR," the head computer...with a grenade, model number 15285. The revolution wasn't completely won yet, but was rolling along.

"A Trip to Limbo" features cruel scientist Evans taking in another delivery of experimental animals to kill, but he blows up most of his lab when he fails to uncork a chemical on a burner. He finds himself trapped, but is dug out in the far-future, by green-skinned men, who throw him in with other humans. They're a rather fatalistic lot, who explain they were mostly extinct, replaced by a "higher order" hundreds of years ago. Evans takes up the task of proving his smarts to the new men, imitating their voices with a crude kazoo. This impresses them so much, they dissect him to see how his brain worked. Like many classic Zone's, bad guys only get to learn lessons too late. (Art by Amador.)

Ed Smith is so average and bland, he's "The Man Who Didn't Exist," seemingly forgotten by everyone. He finally decides to put that to use, robbing banks, surmising he was unrecognizable. But, when he decides to rob his own bank, he pushes too far. Ed ends up taken away quietly, I think so we could hear how he got got; because I kind of figured he'd have to be dragged off screaming "WITNESS ME!" The moral might be that it's a real fine line between confidence and arrogance, and Ed plowed right past it. (Story by Paul S. Newman, art by Frank Bolle.)

Not bad, but not great. Also this issue though; a Hostess Twinkies ad, with the Road Runner...Road Runners? With lines? Wile E. Coyote catches them, but they're saved by...Daffy Duck and Twinkies? And the title of this one is "Helter Skelter"? Feels like six things off-model here.

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So their friendship was circling the drain for two years? That sounds Super-fun to read.

It's not that long in the scheme of things, but seems like a lot of issues. From 1983, World's Finest #295, "Daughters of the Moon" Plot by L.B. Kellog (probably Kellogg), script by David Anthony Kraft, pencils by Jerome Moore, inks by Frank McLaughlin.

We saw the last issue of the series, #323, some time back; but the World's Finest team was having trouble before then; starting the previous issue and with Batman telling the Justice League to blow in Batman and the Outsiders #1. Still, Superman is there for his friend, as he lies dying at Cape Canaveral. Earlier, Batman had been brought in to investigate the destruction of two military satellites; with lead scientist Professor Nakamura, General Armstrong, and astronomer "Karl Hagen," a barely-veiled version of Carl Sagan. Hagen is opposed to putting weapons in space, and seems the likely culprit; but that night as Batman examines the rocket, he is attacked by three costumed women: the Moondancers!

The ladies had a moon-shaped flyer, and a plethora of powers: Harvest Moon introduces herself while growing ten feet tall and tackling Bats; which in some stories I feel like he would somehow be prepared for, but not today. New Moon had a cold beam, but after the rocket is destroyed, Batman is laid low by a gas bomb tossed by Crescent Moon. Batman goes down hard, but as the Moondancers escape, they console themselves that their "advisor" wouldn't have given them lethal weapons. Or would he? Hagen explains to Superman, Batman had been hit with some kind of alien virus, and he could be dead before earth's scientists could figure it out. Remembering all his good times with his friend, Superman races to find a cure; while predictably, Gotham City goes completely off the rails without Batman there.

Superman discovers a new energy source in a comet, and races back to earth to use it in Batman's cure; while Armstrong is virtually drooling at the idea of getting it for military use. Batman is a little embarrassed to be saved by Superman, since things had been strained between them lately. Superman then heads to Gotham, to calm things down there; while the Moondancers are sent to steal the new energy source, under the notion of eliminating nuclear weapons worldwide. The groggy Batman is no match for the Moondancers, but joins Superman to go after them, and their advisor: it's Scooby-Doo rules there. Still, the Moondancers had been working towards nuclear disarmament in good faith, and in somewhat of a change, this time it's Batman that lets them go! 

I don't think all of the next two years plus this series had left were all about how Superman and Batman weren't that close anymore...man, I hope not.

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"Exposing."

I don't know if Kaine has run into Shriek before--and I'm almost positive Ben Reilly has run into D'spayre, but not him. Then again, I've probably looked D'spayre up half a dozen times since starting this plotline, and he really doesn't have a ton of appearances? And I weirdly have more than I would've thought: Kurt might have seen him a second time before, in Magik #3 of all places. (Also, Claremont and Byrne created D'spayre: since Jennifer Kale was involved, I was sure it was going to be Steve Gerber.)

 The Brazier of Bom'Galiath is probably still in the Sanctum Sanctorum somewhere collecting dust: Dr. Strange used it to send Eric Masterson to Mephisto's hell in Thor #443, a comic I'm positive I haven't read. Does the Brazier do anything else? Seems like it should, but I don't know, I'm not a master of the mystic smarts or whatever...

And of course, "Die, you chalk-faced goons!" is from Treehouse of Horror VIII's "The HΩmega Man," where in an extended riff on The Omega Man, Homer runs down Johnny and Edgar Winter. It's an honest mistake! For personal reasons, The Omega Man is a favorite, even if it feels too close to home nowadays: he felt completely alone, everything he believed in had fallen by the wayside, and he was surrounded by religious science-hating weirdos who had voted to drink his blood. As true today, as when it was written.

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I have to wonder how many Punisher fans stuck around after this issue, if any.

It's a little weird for that lot, I think. From 1993, Quasar #42, "The White Room" Written by Mark Gruenwald, pencils by Andy Smith, inks by Ralph Cabrera.

Quasar was still dead, after Infinity War, and Thanos had released a copy of Marvel Boy--now calling himself Blue Marvel to serve as a pawn. (I don't know that Gruenwald had a great handle on Thanos; and I'm not 100% sure what Thanos allegedly even wanted Blue Marvel to do. In fact, that maybe was the Magus's duplicate Thanos.) Blue Marvel had quantum bands like Quasar, but was childish, petulant, and just an all-around jerk. I'm not sure I've ever read old Marvel Boy comics--there weren't a lot of them--but I wonder, was he a jerk in those? I know he'd eventually be updated into "the Uranian," and be more alien and weird than just a brat. Anyway, Blue Marvel had fought Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau) and here fights Hercules, Black Knight, and the Eric Masterson Thor. He does manage to get a shot in on Thor, knocking his helmet crooked so he couldn't see out of it, predating the classic Black Canary twists the Flash's mask from JLA: Year One. He then nearly gets choked out by Captain Marvel, and has to quantum-jump away.

Meanwhile, Quasar himself was in the White Room, seated at a long table, with various other Protectors of the Universe from the past. The other Protectors did not seem to have a concensus on what exactly the White Room was: heaven? A trophy room? Purgatory? Storage? Not particularly spirtually inclined, Quasar believes this to be "a crazy hallucination in the dimension of manifestations," which he had visited in an earlier issue, and was where abstract beings took shapes to appear in this universe. The other Protectors think, there might have been somebody else in that seat before him...

Then, we get to our big guest-star, the Punisher, gunning down some nobodies. He is approached by Blue Marvel, who's impressed that he kills people, without powers, and wants to learn from him. Frank isn't interested, so Blue Marvel tries a more battle-ready 90's look, with a helmet and guns. And in another subplot, on the planet Scadam--from the computer game tie-in Questprobe--Kayla Ballantine, Quasar's girlfriend, destroys the malevolent Black Fleet with the Star Brand. 

Back in the White Room, Quasar is arguing against reincarnation, claiming it didn't make sense from an administrative viewpoint: it would take too much energy to figure out what souls should be brought back as what. He's then approached by the spirit of his original mentor, Eon; who wants Quasar to kill him, saying that would free him...and lessen his own guilt. Quasar doesn't seem to be buying it, and wants to free himself without killing. Next, he's visited by the "Angel of Vengeance," who appears as a more-chiseled version of himself; Quasar's pretty sure that's still Eon, and isn't into vengeance anyway.

On earth, the Punisher finds himself surrounded by a SWAT team--either they had staked out the nobodies he killed, or Blue Marvel delayed him too long, but Frank was kicking himself. Blue Marvel opts to prove himself to the Punisher, by using his bands to just wreck the cops, in about three panels. Frank isn't impressed, and tells him if any cops were killed, he'd be coming for him next. He turns his back on him, and Blue Marvel considers killing him, but is interrupted by Thanos, who tells him someone was trying to free Quasar: stop that. Teleported to the White Room, Blue Marvel blasts the "Angel of Vengeance" apart, then turns his gun on Quasar...to be continued?

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I know I wanted so bad to see a flying saucer when I was little, so I'm glad I didn't get this comic until recently: it would've warped my impressionable little mind. From 1974, UFO Flying Saucers #4, cover by George Wilson.

This was a lot like the issues of DC's Ghosts comic that we've seen here, featuring allegedly maybe true stories, as well as some allegedly true hoaxes. For example, in "The Mississippi Mystery" two fishermen are abducted, examined, and then thrown back like fish that were too small. The men weren't drinkers, and seem to legitimately believe that's what happened, but were they tricked somehow? Or their imaginations ran away with them?

I kind of liked "Aliens Go Home!" from the UFO Casebook, where some strange visitors are driven off by villagers throwing fruit. Another story, "The Kinross Kidnapping," surprised me by really being based on real events, as an F-89 is deployed to investigate a UFO, but disappears over Lake Superior. To date, no trace of the jet or its pilots has been found...but Lake Superior is mighty deep.

Some say flying saucer/UFO stories started fading about the exact same time everybody got a camera on their phone; implying that all those stories were crap that would've been debunked by just one person there shooting video. Which is probably the case, as much as I would personally like to believe otherwise: I'd suggest, maybe we don't see flying saucers as much anymore, because they've pretty much seen enough of us. 

 No credits this issue, but the art is probably Frank Bolle throughout.

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