Once again, it's Friday Night Fights!

Fighting is all well and good if you've been training since the age of six, or have insane super-powers, or can heal from grotesque and crippling injuries rapidly. For everyone else, though, it's a bit more of a boondoggle. We don't want to get hit, we don't know how to hit properly, and we sure as hell don't recover quickly. (I personally haven't hit anyone since college, and am strictly amateur hour. I left the violence to the pros.)

This week, Nexus finds himself in the same boat. You might assume someone who's job is killing mass murderers might have some fighting skills, but Horatio just isn't a hands-on kind of guy. If you can zap killers with fusion blasts, why get your hands dirty...unless your powers aren't working, as was the case when he and Judah and Badger were trapped in the Bowl-Shaped World. (This was a fill-in issue, set right after Nexus #6 rather than the current storyline.)

Possibly even more galling for Horatio, Badger and Judah are both masters of several martial arts, wrestling, armed and unarmed combat, defenestration, etc. Without his powers, Nexus is a philosopher with a neat costume and hip boots.

Stuck in a seemingly endless desert, the three are already starving, particularly since the Thune Judah "needs to eat about half his body weight every day." Eventually, they come accross a caravan of those weird mouth-stalk aliens I'm positive Giffen drew in every old issue of Legion of Super-Heroes. Badger jumps out, and the aliens shoot arrows at him. Nexus and Judah sit this one out.

Once they run out of arrows, the aliens kneel before our heroes, then feed them. Horatio notices "my porridge is starting to flow," but the aliens just fed them their translating MacGuffin, the Leaf of Larger Thought. Great name, though.

Now I imagine the aliens as having that squeeky-froggy voice from the Slurm slugs on Futurama, and they mention their prophecy, which Badger intones solemnly. (Actually, people would probably pay to see a movie called, 'Generic Legend.') And out of his ass. Not entirely convinced these are the heroes of legend, they still let Badger, Judah, and Nexus eat all their food on the way to the walled city.

That night, Horatio wrestles with the ethical problem of deluding the aliens. Judah argues it would crush them, and Badger figures they probably are the chosen ones. Who else would've shown up?

The next morning, the aliens greet them at spearpoint. Accusing them of being false prophets and demons, the aliens present the new heroes of legend, three other travellers. Judah tries to play it off as if they were in the wrong universe, but Horatio confesses they are only lost. And one of the new heroes punches Badger in the face, so it's on.

While Badger and Judah pummel their foes, including a pre-Tyson ear bite from Judah against a guy that looks like Furball from Five Years Later era Legion; Nexus discusses this heroes-of-prophecy business with the third man. The new 'heroes' are lost travellers as well, and not above exploiting or enslaving the aliens; and Nexus is forced to choke a b--wait, his name was really Miracle Whip? Choking's too good for him. Nexus apparently twists his top off.

Nexus apologizes again to the aliens for misleading them, and offers their help. The aliens explain they used to have water, that flowed through a mysterious keyhole in the mountains, and that none who had ventured there had ever returned. The heroes set out to see if they can bring back the water somehow, leading an alien to proclaim "some (prophets) are more false than others!"

In the mountains, they find a dimensional gate, like a wall of static, apparently broken. A skeleton lies at the base, and they deduce the gate is only one way now: the other way. Judah argues they could go through, but Nexus advises checking with the aliens.

Back at the walled city, Nexus smells a disturbingly familar scent: cooked flesh. The aliens have eaten the false heroes, since they now have new gods that said it was OK: three new heroes of legend, including a Quatro. Nexus tries to explain, there's just a lot of strangers coming through right now, and not every one of them is going to be the prophecied chosen.

Things turn violent shortly thereafter:

The big guy that looks like Groot, from Omega Men, doesn't seem to put a lot of effort into the fight; while the Quatro's still game after getting an arm punched off.

With the aliens and heroes against them, Nexus, Badger and Judah have no choice but to make a break for the gate. Reappearing underwater, the three make their way to shore; discovering a new land, with game, water, and the continuation of their journey...

And back at the walled city? It's time for a Giffen big-eye panel...because Quatros have big eyes, really.

There's a lesson here somewhere, but it's not in a little box like the end of a Groo comic, so you're on your own...

From Nexus #23, "False Prophets" Written by Mike Baron, guest pencils by Keith Giffen, guest inks by Rick Bryant. Giffen's art is to my taste, but I wonder what Rude's fans thought of this one. And Bahlactus is the safety word. Don't pretend you don't hear it. Read more!

Once again, Friday Night Fights!

I thought hard about how to phrase this, but I think the Absorbing Man works best as a two-dimensional character. I don't want to see Crusher Creel's relationship with Titania, I don't want to hear about his crummy childhood, and I definitely don't wanna see him try to reform or join the Thunderbolts or the Wild Pack or anything. Absorbing Man equals mean-spirited thug. That's it. That's all I want out of the character. (And frankly, I think some of the attempts to humanize or add layers to his character, have just made him creepier.)

This month, Thor's got a bit on his plate already, with his girlfriend Jane Foster in the hospital and dying, and his dad Odin missing and living like a homeless yokel. That might be an unfair assessment, but how do you explain the majesty and might of All-Father Odin, dressed like Hillbilly Jim?

Actually, that bit's weird in and of itself: Amnesiac Odin gets attacked outside a grocery store in California, by a concerned batch of citizens who find it odd and distasteful such an old man should be in the company of a much younger, pretty woman. The elderly should be in homes, where we need not be offended by their wrinkly visages! Admittedly, these guys are first seen standing in front of a bar in broad daylight, which seems to hint at their state of mind, but they accuse 'Orrin' of being a dirty old man and pick a fight. Yeah, take the law into your own hands and protect...voting-aged females from senior citizens. Hmm, Dateline NBC this isn't; and they receive a Norse-sized whipping.

Elsewhere, Thor is picking himself off the sidewalk, after being stoutly floored by the Absorbing Man. Beaten, he refuses to give up:

See?

Thor renews the battle, and Crusher takes a moment to explain how after his last fight, when he accidentally absorbed the power of water and nearly dissipated, it took him six months to build up his nerve. Thor responds by punching him in the face and running.

Convinced he's now won, Absorbing Man gives chase, following Thor into a department store (hmm...as seen on the cover) and cornering him in the toy department. Thor holds up his hammer, as if to shield himself, but true to his name, Absorbing Man takes on the hammer's power. (Wait for it...)


I know Crusher's a moron, but 'outsmarted by Thor' looks way worse in the papers than 'beaten into jelly by Thor.'

If you're wondering how Crusher was fooled by a cardboard replica, that toy company does really good work. Thor and the other Avengers once replaced Cap's shield with one of the company's toys; and although Cap got himself shot three times, they all had a good laugh about it later.

I can't wait for a Thor movie, because I'm totally buying one of those. Actually, since we live in the space-age 21st century, by the time it comes out we should have toy Mjolnirs that return when thrown, and spark lightning. Or at least make cool sound effects. BOMM! KROOMM! KRAK! Oh, I want the Walt Simonson version, you have to hook it up to a car battery for the sound effects.

In the end, Crusher needs to get on the horn to the ACLU, quick: is keeping him trapped in a refrigerator box even legal? I wonder if he eventually remembered he could just turn back to human and punch his way out. That might be tougher than it sounds for most people, but in his normal form Crusher's still a brute, hence the name.

Also at the end of this issue, Sif gives her lifeforce to save Jane Foster, although she's really just absorbed within her and would eventually return. Hell, we even saw it mentioned in passing way back when, as part of a knot of continuity so dense, even Chris Claremont wasn't going to get into it, and that's dense.

From Thor #236, "One Life to Give!" Written by Gerry Conway, art by John Buscema and Joe Sinnott. And check out Bahlactus for more Friday Night Fights! Read more!

At long last, Friday Night Fights!

I don't want to oversell this issue, but when the second half features Sinestro knocking over a skyscraper in San Francisco, and that isn't even the most exciting part of the comic? Hell, it's even a bit of a letdown after the first half. Although, it is a good excuse to see Hawkman on the receiving end of a beating.

Even though Sinestro is Green Lantern's villain, Hawkman sticks him on a point of order: he has monitor duty. Captain Comet and Hawkman take this one, but Hawkman doesn't make as good of a showing as he would've hoped.
Sinestro smashes Hawkman's anti-gravity belt, leaving him to fall and buying time to bail out into space. Huh, you'd think he would want to hang out and see the destruction, but Sinestro plays it smart.

Only Captain Comet can stop the building from collapsing (the narration is odd, noting Superman could stop the building from falling by "merely lifting a pinky," but the Captain has to put his back into it) and stop Sinestro, using his mightier mental powers to override Sinestro's yellow power ring. Leaving Hawkman talking out of his beak:
Hawkman's gained a lot of respect in recent years, but this story's from around the Superfriends era, when he was just a guy who flapped around.

But, like I said, this wasn't the main event for this issue, so let's skip back to the front of this issue, where Mantis begs for his life, the Black Racer arrives, and Darkseid faces the assault of the Secret Society of Super-Villains!

I don't have the previous issue, and there's no recap or reason given for this one. Suffice to say, the Society is going to take Darkseid down. They know why. Darkseid dismisses the Black Racer, as if he was a vulture, stating if he's patient there will be more victims; and sets Mantis on the Society.

Currently, the Society consists of undercover hero Captain Comet, Flash Rouges' Gallery regulars (back when that meant something) Mirror Master and Captains Cold and Boomerang, Star Sapphire (not Carol Ferris...I don't think) and another clone of Manhunter Paul Kirk. From what I can piece together, Comet and Manhunter were trying to use evil against evil, and this may be the most successful they ever were at that.

Left against Mantis, a warrior that has fought Superman to a standstill, the Rouges don't even work up a sweat. Well, they probably never sweat much with Cold around, but you see what I mean. Comet puts the finishers on Mantis, leaving Manhunter clear to make a run on Darkseid.

A suicide run.


The 'Endgame' comes on page 7 of the comic, so naturally the rest of the book is a bit of a comedown--it's why heavyweight title fights don't come before the bantamweight matches. Especially when the next few pages are devoted to thinly-veiled Stan Lee parody Funky Flashman, Comet pulling Green Lantern out of a hole he's apparently been in for issues, and Green Arrow being much more of a dick than usual.

Even putting aside that I have only the vaguest idea what's going on this issue, it's jarring to see how much of it is back in vogue in current DC comics. Sinestro has his own corps, Star Sapphire and Captain Comet have recently made appearances, Darkseid's due back in short order, and the Rouges recently had their greatest victory ever...beating to death a child in a grown-up's costume. All of a sudden, this issue seems a lot better, especially when you factor in a mere thirty cents cover price, versus various and sundry purchases of Countdown, Flash, Green Lantern, Mystery in Space, JLA, and so on, and so forth. From The Secret Society of Super Villains #5, "Endgame!" Written by Bob Rozakis, art by Rich Buckler and Vince Colletta.

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