Damnit, I'm on record as liking the idea of the Outsiders way more than anything I've ever read with them; but I've liked other stuff from these writers. Still, I feel like I see what they were trying to do, and I hate it. From 2024, Outsiders #8, "Hex" Written by Jackson Lanzing and Collin Kelly, art by Robert Carey.

In the ghost town of Zero, Batwoman confronts Virginia "Jinny" Hex, although she's really there to help; that's just kind of how she is. Jinny is being chased by ghost cowboys, and her gun is the only thing that works on them; although Batwoman buys them some time with salt. She explains, they maybe have a mutual friend: Jenny Crisis. She was a Century Baby, like Jenny Sparks had been, and maybe DC finally scraped bottom on stealing from Alan Moore, time to go for Warren Ellis. ('Stealing' might be harsh there, but this feels like playing with somebody else's toys maybe without permission. Which probably sounds weird from me, sure.) Jenny had been helped by the Outsiders before, but there were other Century Babies out there that needed help, like Jinny. Batwoman isn't sure what it all means, but knows those kids are important somehow. OK, fair enough. Then, the ghost of Jonah Hex shows up.

Jonah tells a three-page text story, of being maybe mortally wounded, before he found a magic gun in a crevasse; that saved him from dying, and helped him put down 37 of the Elliot Gang. It helps when you don't have to reload, I suppose. Jonah killed maybe two hundred with it, but was haunted by ghosts and felt he wasn't firing the gun anymore, it was firing him. He put it in a box and buried it; and asks Jinny why she had to use it: she had space guns, she didn't need it. Except, she did, during a burglary, when she put down a guy kicking down her bedroom door. Jonah feels bad about it, but tells Jinny she can't put the gun down: "...last life it took has gotta be yours." That feels like a load. He put it down...

Batwoman takes the gun instead, feeling that Jinny deserved a chance at a life; hers was already pretty wrecked, this wouldn't hurt much more. Jonah maybe is a little too sarcastic here, so Batwoman shoots him, then shoots the other ghosts...which, doesn't seem to do much? Like maybe the gun holds them off a bit, but doesn't permanently shut them down. She then calls the Outsiders: maybe they both said some things, but she needs them, since she could "contain the situation...but I can't solve it." But the others might not be in any position to help... 

Ugh, where to begin? Mystic stuff and Jonah Hex, that's only going to work in the absolute smallest of microdoses, or you get the Jonah Hex movie. And Jonah doesn't currently have a comic, so his corpse and/or his ghost have shown up in the present more than once, and once was probably more than enough. I like the idea of Batwoman trying to take somebody else's burden, but it feels like taking away from Jinny's story. I know Lanzing and Kelly maybe did some other stuff with Planetary characters in this title--the Drummer and Jakita are mentioned--but that was a book I loved to death yet don't feel ready to revisit, or continue. I don't know the magic gun's full story either, but good lord, I'm afraid it belongs to the Saint of Killers or something. And I liked Jinny as a legacy character, but this feels like saddling her with one or two more legacies, on top of that. (No spoilers, but Jinny would be back in two issues, so this maybe didn't completely break the character.)

Read more!

"Global Storm Secret Next Authority Wave Avengers-politan."

Today, instead of buying a new number one or some nonsense, why not pick up an issue #17? Yeah, that's going to be a tough sell; but as long as you're in the shop, how about the new issue of Secret Avengers from Warren Ellis and Kev Walker! I'm looking forward to it, although I'm a little disappointed after their banter in the prior issue, Moon Knight and Beast don't appear to be in this one.

I will confess, though, I hate that Beast figure there. He was, well, a Beast to stand, and he's more than a bit undersized to boot. And the Beast is giving Moon Knight the over-harsh hassle about what may or may not be MK's status quo in his new Bendis/Maleev series, where he may or may not be hallucinating conversations and advice with the Avengers, who he may or may not be a teammate of. I know I picked up a copy of the first issue out of the quarter bin, but I might have to read it again.

While Moon Knight may or may not have multiple personality disorder and other psychological problems, his insanity is more rarely played for laughs; especially compared to Deadpool or other lunatics. On the other hand, the severity of his condition varies by writer just as much as Pool; from mostly functional to eccentric to raving and drooling. I do prefer MK closer to the functional end, with maybe a few tics that are noticeable but possibly not insane. After all, the Avengers thought Thor was a little crazy for some time since they didn't really believe he was from Asgard...

If nothing else, Ellis has probably, completely unintentionally, sold me on that upcoming Marvel Legends Commander Rogers figure. Today's issue also has War Machine and Valkyrie, and I'm curious to see if their sarcasm levels are amped up as well.

Read more!

Poisoning the bullets seems like overkill...more overkill, then.

Even before I watched all those Green Hornet episodes, I've been on kind of an old-school kick lately. It occurred to me how much I would enjoy having "proper" action figures (that is to say, in the 6-inch scale range like Marvel Legends or DCUC) of the Hornet and Kato; and the Lone Ranger and Tonto, the Shadow, the Phantom...

Actually, I'd even be OK with analog versions, your knockoffs or homages or parodies or fakes. In Planetary there were any number of cover versions, from Japanese kaiju monsters to Vertigo Comics entire 80's catalog; but a favorite of mine was Ellis and Cassaday's spin on the Lone Ranger from Planetary #22, "The Torture of William Leather."

William was basically, the evil Human Torch, part of the Four and their vast conspiracy. Planetary frontman Elijah Snow does torture him for info this issue; but we find out his suffering goes back much further. Allowing for the analog versions, William's grandpa was the Lone Ranger, and his dad was the Shadow--or they should have been. Because his 'dad' was always out fighting crime, his mom had an affair with one of of his 'operatives.' Which leads to a lifetime of William feeling cheated of a legacy of coolness, which more than likely would've included superpowers. Which is no excuse for the horrible things we've seen William do in his quest to get and keep power; in one issue, we see him murder a baby Superman-analog in its crib/rocket.

The 'Dead Ranger' of this issue, though, is of course based on the Lone Ranger, but with a twist I love: along with the traditional silver bullets, his were tipped with mercury, a common leaving of silver mines. And of course, poisonous as hell. "People always said the Dead Ranger always shot to wound, but that wounded badmen died of shame. Nobody ever worked out that the bullets were poisoned."

(Actually, I had to re-read this more closely, since I thought the bullets were arsenic, which is also found with silver and in fact is used in small amounts in lead bullets. I have no idea how well a 100% arsenic bullet would hold up for shooting, but it sounds cool.)

The Spider there is based more on the Shadow than the competing pulp hero of the same name, but here he's also one of Planetary and the Authority's "century babies," like Snow or Jenny Sparks: born at midnight on January 1, 1900; those children grew up with powers and some were 'functionally immortal.' Still, the Spider seems to be getting a kick out of shooting those guys, moreso than I'd say the Shadow would.

Of course, if Planetary were to ever get more action figures, I would...you do not want to know what I would do, for a Phantom Cop of Hong Kong figure. From issue #3's "Dead Gunfighters," this would look just beautiful in clear or semi-clear plastic. Ah, if only.

Incidentally, in Green Hornet continuity, Britt Reid was the son of the Lone Ranger's nephew. The connection isn't played up much anymore, for legal reasons...

Read more!

In stores today: Planetary #27

All apologies to Warren Ellis and John Cassaday, but the looooong-awaited final issue of Planetary hits today! That's worth a trip to the comic shop alone!

Jakita Wagner, the girl in the leather, does on occasion get to throw down within the pages of the comic; including a memorable bout with different versions of Batman. But her figure...not having it right next to me as I type this, I think she had three points of articulation. Five, tops. (Neck, both shoulders, maybe the wrists but maybe not. EDIT: Yeah, it's three.) These figures are from 2001, and DC Direct didn't make her for asskicking, they made her to stand there and look cool.

The Drummer gets more joints (as it were...) than his fellows, and that color scheme might be comic-accurate, but it's, well, horrifying. It does help him stand out on a shelf full of other figures, though. His sticks are non-removable as well. Re-reading the series for this, it felt like Drums makes one snide comment to Snow on his arrival; then Snow verbally pummels Drums for the rest of the series. And I'm being polite: "Living fart" is almost a term of endearment, in comparison to a lot of the things Elijah calls him.

I had to take the Elijah Snow action figure, and look at a Planetary cover, to confirm his buttons were that big. They reminded me of Mr. Do, for a moment. Elijah's figure doesn't get a helluva lot of articulation either (ball jointed necks would've really added to these) and in a nod to his powers; usually on my toy shelf, Elijah's holding an ice cream cone.

Some comic shops may still have the figures: take a look when you get Planetary #27! Now! Scoot! And now that I've made a big deal about this, I probably won't get to the comic shop until at least Friday...
Read more!

Your Happenstance panels for today:

Another day, another flying car that's somehow not Nick Fury's, from Planetary #23, "Percussion" Written by Warren Ellis, art by John Cassaday. This time, it's Fury-homage John Stone, Agent of S.T.O.R.M, which would be both a precursor of Stormwatch, and a homage to Fury's S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm not sure they ever say what S.T.O.R.M. stood for, though.

Stone would get a helluva comeuppance later, in Planetary #25, "in from the cold" by Ellis and Cassaday again. While he put up a good fight with gadgets that seemed cribbed from both classic and Ultimate versions of Fury, Stone would eventually receive a thorough and prolonged asswhupping from Jakita Wagner.

Re-read all of Planetary last weekend, to get ready to the last issue, due October 7! Can't wait.
Read more!

Nine random line items:

1. Dear alternative radio playlist makers: please remove Soundgarden's "Spoonman" at your earliest convenience. Immediately replace it with "Pretty Noose." That is all.

2. So, it's been a couple of days since the Battlestar Galactica finale...I didn't hate it, no. But I didn't love it, either. (This isn't going to be very spoilery, just my impression, if you're waiting to see it.) More like, I can appreciate what the creators were trying to do, but; and this is probably due more to my personal taste and bias, but: even though my suspension of disbelief can cover the cheesiest of giant Kaiju monsters or the wobbliest of old cardboard sci-fi sets, whenever the hand of God is involved, I have a harder time accepting it. Which is ironic, since sci-fi (and comics) pulls out the deus ex machina rabbit-out-of-a-hat last minute save all the time. And as long as there's a hand's wave of an explanation, I'm fine with that. It might not be completely satisfying, but it sits better with me than, "God's will." That probably says as much about me as it does about Galactica, though. And it may say something that I'm still chewing it over now.

3. I guess the title "Nine Random Line Items" is a bit of a misnomer. They aren't completely random, just things I've been thinking about. If there was an item that was just, say, Pork noodle chowder thrower cannon...that would be closer, I guess.

4. Years ago, I used to work customer service at a Future Shop; before they went under. Think Circuit City, only gone sooner. Not a terrible job, really; since there were a lot of fun people there. But part of my job seemed to be keeping customers away from the computer techs. Now, the customers may very well have had legitimate questions about what was wrong with their computer; but it probably wasn't cost or time-effective to have the techs walk them through it when they should be just fixing it. That, and the techs were terrible with the customers. They were all cool otherwise, but after working on the same problems all day, the techs would be frustrated that any given customer couldn't understand it.

It's not a rational frustration, but I seem to be getting it myself lately. I explain the same things over and over and over some more; and damnit, I'm got it down, why don't you!? Because I haven't talked to you before, because you haven't done this a million times, because this isn't your field of expertise...there's a lot of possible reasons before we get to 'because you're a damn moron' or 'because annoying me is your only purpose on this earth.' And yet the mind goes there straightaway. I'm usually as patient as a zen monk, so I'm trying to write off recent crankiness as weather-related: it's still been too wet to ride in the morning. Soon.

And almost immediately: as I type this, it's snowing lightly. It won't last or stick, but...man.

5. I need a haircut. Badly.

6. It's probably a moot point after the relatively disappointing performance of the movie, but everyone seemed to be getting into those "After Watchmen, what's next?" lists. So, we'll hit that topic far past it's expiration date...now, I loved Preacher and Transmetropolitan (and Planetary, but I'll come back to that one) and would be thrilled to see more people reading those, sure. But I'd recommend for readers post-Watchmen the works of Kyle Baker, starting with Why I Hate Saturn or The Cowboy Wally Show. I realized recently I must've lent out my copy of I Die At Midnight and never got it back, so I reread You Are Here instead. All of Baker's work has great, stylish cartooning; and accessible, engaging characters. You don't need to have read comics for years to read Baker.

Ooh, I should be able to think of more off the top of my head. I think the Garth Ennis/Killian Plunkett Unknown Soldier from Vertigo a few years back would do well there. I think it's the most cinematic work I've seen from Ennis, and I love the art in it, and it's got the murky, ambiguous morality someone coming off Watchmen could be interested in. Howard Chaykin's American Century might pull a few readers as well, if presented right: predating Mad Men by a few years, it was a period piece set in the fifties with Chaykin's traditional eye on loose morals and self-serving heroism. Darn, I need to re-read that one now.

More behind the break!
7. On Planetary, I know there's been some rumblings on when the last issue is going to come out, which would, y'know, be nice. If I was better organized, I would have a specific box for orphaned, unfinished series, where books like Planetary and La Cosa Nostroid would languish with Daredevil: The Target and Sonic Disruptors. Scud, the Disposable Assassin was in such a state until it was finally completed, and then you get not only the conclusion, but it's like getting the old issues back. I loved that series, but knowing (at the time) that it may never be finished really undermined my enjoyment of it. So, I'm looking forward to the end of Planetary, so I can read the old issues again. That makes sense...right?

8. Even though we're quickly approaching some magical digital utopia where everything is available digitally (unless the financial dystopia hits first, and no one can afford houses to keep their computers in...) there's so much stuff that I've lost over the course of years that I'll never be able to replace. I was setting up a new minidisc full of music last night, and was dismayed at how much I don't have. Even though my archaic computer's so full of music it runs like crap, I still don't have every song I can remember having: I wanted the Breeders' "Do You Love Me Now?" and Iron Maiden's "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" and I didn't have either one. (Good lord, "Seventh Son" was a ten minute song?) Or Prince: I used to have a ton of old Prince stuff, and I think it got stolen years ago. Or the Talking Heads' "Slippery People," from the Stop Making Sense album I haven't seen in years.

My musical tastes are doubtless dated, since when I stopped working in a music store, I stopped being exposed to it on a regular basis. Gah, I think the last CD I bought (he still buys actual CD's! The man's a dinosaur!) was Portishead's last album. Still, although my computer and my minidisc and several boxes are full of music, my head seems to be filled with more. A common problem, I imagine.

Incidentally, am I the last person alive to still use regular headphones, with the hard band? I don't care for the little in-your-ear earbud things.

9. There is no ninth item.


Read more!