Christmas on a Wednesday? Who voted for this?

Cover from 1989's Alf #13 by Dave Manak. 

I'm writing this post before I leave, but hopefully when this posts I'm just back from Montana: there's statistically a not-zero chance that I get stuck or held up, but I'm sure I'm fine. I swear I used to make that drive and the snow would be up to my armpits, and now it's not surprising if the roads aren't even wet. Global warming is real, yo. This is a short week that will manage to still feel long, since my work is once again demanding overtime. Sure, it's dark as hell out when I start and when I'm done, and there wasn't much else to do, and the overtime'll pay down my card, but I'm already a bit fried. I had a day--okay, today, as I write this--where I got up, went to work, then immediately went back to bed when my shift was over. Maybe spent an hour awake that wasn't working? That's no way to live, but I won't have to do that forever, so...we shove on.

It'll be an Alf-centric week, though: tomorrow, we'll have this week's strip, again guesting Alf; and I know I have the last issue of his series next to me, so I should read that for "The End" week. Well, if that ain't a reason to keep on keeping on, I don't know what to tell you! Anyhow, if you're curious, there's two stories and a Christmas card this issue; where Alf is somehow supposed to be endearing, while doing more property damage than a full Avengers roster and trying to eat cats. The property damage does explain why he was a good fit at Marvel, I guess.

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Admittedly, you may get the creeps the next time you drive past some now...

Hoo, boy, we're maybe at the end of the Twilight Zone comics I had handy; and I seem to recall the cover story here being the dumbest I'd read in all the ones I've posted--you know, I'm going to take that back, that's exactly the sort of thing somebody says in a TZ story immediately before being messily killed by whatever they were badmouthing. From 1973, the Twilight Zone #47, cover by George Wilson.

"And Where it Stops, Nobody Knows..." is a fun title at least: a second-story man accidentally kills a night watchman, then gets trapped in an elevator. He gets out, only to have cheap special effects a magical journey to the past, courtesy of the wizard Zorak. Zorak explains, he had created a temporal portal, but balance had to be maintained: for him to go to the future, someone had to take his place in the past. The second-story man figures, it's better than being on the run from the cops, and helps himself to Zorak's ring before he goes. But while Zorak was in for a surprise, the second-story man is left to find Zorak may have had reasons to leave himself...(Written by Len Wein, pencils by Rich Buckler, inks by Sal Trapani.)

"The Man Who Hated Mankind"...you're going to have to narrow it down, there. And hey, no Rod Serling intro! This was only a four pager, and while I like the set-up, it has a limp twist of an ending. (Art by Jack Sparling.)

The cover story, "Something New in Town" is yeah, still pretty dumb. Like someone had a gripe with urban planning. A salesman finds a small town with new, modern streetlights...but not a lot of people. And the cover spoiled it for you, but again, not much there. The GCD does consider this one "unusually horrific" for a Gold Key story, and suggests the characters in it might have been 'cast' from classic TV. (Art by Jack Sparling again!)

Finally, "The Space Prize" finds two cosmonauts, about to launch to be the first men on Mars. Andrei is idealistic and excited, while Serge is a cynical downer: assuming they even make it, politicians and such would steal the credit. Serge considers his own theft, since he knows the Americans would shell out for their new propulsion system: he maybe thinks about it too hard, since Andrei can see it written all over his face, and a fight ensues. Serge kills Andrei with a flare gun--a lucky shot that could've gone either way, but he seems excited to have "the first murder in space!" He ditches Andrei's body, and cuts the remote controls, then fires that new propulsion system, which doesn't go as planned, even as Soviet mission control is furious over his defection. The ending vaguely resembles maybe a couple classic episodes, but isn't really a twist or ironic. (Art by John Celardo.) Read more!

Dad might enjoy some Jonah Hex; gotta build him up to that. Although that movie might've salted that well...

A couple months ago, I got a bunch of cheap Lone Ranger comics from the cheap bins for my dad; and he plowed through them when I was on vacation up there. He might've just been being polite, but I got some others for him from the same bins: from 2008, the Man with No Name #1, "Sinners and Saints, chapter one" Written by Christos Gage, art by Wellington Dias.

This follows "Blondie" directly from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly; despite the fact that Dynamite would put out a series under that name later. I had read a couple issues of this before--and thought they might've been from the same quarter bins, but nope! It also took me a ridiculous amount of time to find that, on my own stupid blog; partly because search everywhere seems to be borked, and partly because I assumed Chuck Dixon wrote this. Still, these weren't bad, and answered a question I had from Jonah Hex comics and the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly comic: namely, what happens when the hero gets a big sack of gold? Answer: it's probably a pain in the ass, especially if you don't really seem to want anything? I don't love his final decision, but I guess he couldn't burn through it fast enough drinking and smoking and shooting.

I also got a reader copy of the trade, with the last five issues of the series. (I probably needed three of them...) Still, even putting aside that most fans of those movies probably have no idea these comics were made; like Marvel's Apache Skies, I think they need to repackage these and get them on the racks wherever dad-western novels are sold. Read more!

"Loan."

In the 70's, Conan the Barbarian (and to a lesser extent, Red Sonja) were licensed by Marvel but were de facto Marvel characters: they appeared in a lot of ads and promo stuff. Although, I don't think either ever got a Hostess ad? Later, with the exception of Transformers #3, licensed hits like Transformers and G.I. Joe were siloed off from the main Marvel Universe. So was Alf, although it had a lot of parodies, like the X-Melmen. Really seems like there should've been a Hostess parody in there somewhere, too. Read more!

Is it traditional in France to refer to your troops as "mes enfants"?

It's used twice this issue! But, this one's got a few twists, even from the usual twisty formula. From 1980, Unknown Soldier #240, "The Hammer of Glory!" Written by Bob Haney, pencils by Dick Ayers, inks by Gerry Talaoc. Cover by Don Heck!

This opens with the Unknown Soldier witnessing an execution; as the Scarf, head of the French resistance, has a man shot for selling "the Hammer of Martel" to the Nazis. So far I'm not sure if that was a legitimate historical relic, but Charles Martel was real: he had ruled the Franks from 718 until he died, and had been a fierce warrior. Which makes me wonder, why they think they found it on a battlefield: that's usually be only if he lost, right? Still, the Scarf seems to place a lot of importance on the Hammer being returned if the French are ever going to drive off the Germans; and the Soldier is forced to go along. They get a clue, when Nazis are looting a shop, for supplies for "Goering the fat glutton" to enjoy on a trip to Berlin, to deliver the Hammer to Hitler himself. (I thought they meant Hermann Goring, but no.)

The war had been going for some time by this point, so the Nazis have a lot of elaborate counters to the Resistance's surprise attacks: a hidden "ram engine" to bulldoze blocked train tracks, then a similarly hidden tugboat to rescue their train after it's forced onto a floating bridge. The Scarf is injured, and the Unknown Soldier decides he's going to have to do this one himself before the entire French Resistance is chewed to pieces. But his usual disguises come up short, twice! First, he tries to pass himself off as Goering's cook, but brings the wrong wine; then he tries to infiltrate masked as a local hunter, but is caught since he shot a boar instead of using an arrow.

The captured Soldier gets delivered to Hitler, with the Hammer, but is saved by the sudden and unexpected arrival of--Charles Martel? No, it's the Scarf in disguise: it's surprising for someone else to mask up to save the Unknown Solider, that was his gimmick! Sadly, the pair don't make a run at Hitler, but the Scarf does get a pretty good kill with a hammer throw.

Also this issue: a dedicated subscription ad for Weird War Tales; and another for Unknown Soldier, G.I. Combat, and Sgt. Rock!

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Maybe if I scan this, I can read it without my glasses.

I typically don't have a lot of Christmas shopping: I don't have a huge family, and I give a lot of cash and gift cards and such. I did get a few toys for my grandkids, and then I had to make a Target run for Giant Sorry! Last year, my sister claimed--somewhat aggrievedly--that I used to beat her all the time at that, but she only lost all those games because she couldn't read. I...don't think that's entirely true, but that gets her a new game. It's pretty giant; I guess. Actually, now I want to see life-size Sorry! like human chess on the Prisoner; guys dressed as giant pawns taking runs at each other...

Anyway, I got a few of the World's Smallest blind-boxed figures: Masters of the Universe Orko and Teela, and Arcee from the Transformers. I don't love blind-boxes, but these came with wee little comics as well! The Masters are reprints that came with the figures back in the day, but of course the Transformers #5 was a Marvel book from 1985: I don't think I realized until after he passed, but that cover was from the great M.D. Bright.

Hmm, the paint looked better in hand than that picture; but admittedly my vision could be better. Still, I was glad to get Arcee: I like little Transformers, but they don't always get real deep into the roster. It took a long time for her to even get a figure, surprisingly; but I think early Arcee figures were "shellformers." She strongly resembles the 2020 War for Cybertron: Earthrise figure. 

Interior scan from "The Fastest Draw in the Universe!" Written by Steven Grant, pencils by Mike Vosburg, inks by Greg Brooks. Originally that came with the Rio Blast action figure, but World's Smallest includes it with Orko.

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If a little kid murdered me with toy soldiers; I gotta say, man, respect.

I may be just a hair older than this issue, but it's close! It was possibly on the racks when I was born, or pretty close to it. From 1971, The Twilight Zone #39, cover by George Wilson.

The title on the opener looks like it's from a Charlton book, for some reason: "The Youngest Witch" with art by John Celardo. Ralph Speaker takes a friendly interest in his young neighbor Mark: his dad was overseas, his mom had a new baby, and he was left out a bit. (This is all innocent, at least on Ralph's part!) After several fun excursions, including an ice show, Ralph notices Mark playing with a puppet, on a patch of ice--in July? Mark claims nothing was amiss, and the patch of ice was gone; but later Ralph finds Mark making stuffed toys float and move. Then, Mark is nearly hit by a taxi, that he seemingly makes fly over him: the cab driver thinks he just hit a bump, but Ralph suspects Mark might be a warlock. His suspicions are seemingly confirmed when Mark's toy soldiers attack him...but he's not quite right!

"Wedding March" is a cheerless ghost story, as a rich jerk murders a composer to steal his girl, but the music lives on, even if the jerk doesn't. (Art by Oscar Novelle.) Not that "Fool's Gold" is a laugh riot, either: a shifty prospector finds gold in forbidden territory, then kills a medicine man to cover his crime. Newly rich, he makes his way to a life of luxury in the big city; while a lot of blood is spilled looking for him. Still, the prospector gets got when he runs short of tobacco; if you've ever seen Creepshow 2, well, there you go. (Story by Len Wein, art by Alan Weiss.)

In the last story, "Escape Artist" what are the odds two magicians would end up at the same nursing home? Marcus and Bondini had been rivals for years, and were pretty sick of each other. In his glory days, Bondini had made an impressive escape from a locked trunk thrown in the river; but Marcus claims it was all faked with false panels. Later, Bondini challenges him to prove it, since he still had the trunk in the attic. Marcus gets increasingly frustrated when he can't find the trick to it, as Bondini laughs at him: Marcus tries to shake it out of him, but Bondini makes a fatal escape, shaking loose, slipping and hitting his head. Panicking, Marcus takes the key from Bondini, and locks his corpse in the trunk. The next day, Marcus feigns ignorance as the staff searches for the missing Bondini, but is really surprised when Bondini returns...a final escape? Or was he really dead? (Story by Paul S. Newman, art by Jack Sparling.) Read more!