Sunday, July 06, 2008

(Completely) Off-topic: Neat freaks and germophobes, turn away now.

Are you a "neat freak"? Are you a compulsive cleaner? Are you "tidy"? Then yeah, you should stop reading now. This is going to be like torture porn for you.

Since I'm not especially handy, around the house my chores are mostly relegated to anything that's gross, unpleasant, or oozing. From squishing spiders to snaking drains to cleaning any of a multitude of vile fluids; I'm stuck handling biohazards while other dads are getting standing ovations for building birdhouses or drying drywall or whatever it is they do. So, one of my little jobs is cleaning the vacuum cleaner.

An odd sounding task, yes? I mean, most people just have to vacuum and call it good. I don't think I even do most of the vacuuming. I muck out the crap clogging the vacuum cleaner, pretty much every time we use it. It's not the vacuum's fault, though: it's actually a pretty good vacuum, but it's fighting a losing battle here.

The first culprit is Sam's hair, the lab mix: Sam's hair has the same molecular makeup as rat's teeth. Maybe even denser. I have found Sam's hair on my desk at work. No idea how I got it there, but there it is. Of course, I keep finding the Wife's hair as well: every so often she gets hair extensions, and no matter how nice they look, I'm now positive that extensions are the base of an elaborate pyramid scheme involving vacuum repair men and plumbers.

Both kinds of hair clog the vacuum differently: the extensions are long, and wrap up around the rotating brush, while Sam's hair forms clots with dust. What do you call it when dust and hair forms a sheet-like layer? Oh, yeah, my house.

That's just out of the brush, we haven't even got to the bag yet. There's an extension, stuck on a paper clip, with a rubber band attached. And as long as we're running forensics here, there's chunks of foam innards from at least two separate stuffed animals, or possibly the couch. (Sugarpie's been a bit on the bitey side lately.) When this vacuum dies, it should be buried with honors.

To the best of my knowledge, I've never sucked up one of my or the kids' action figure accessories. Probably because the vacuum doesn't have that kind of juice.

Anyway, that's why no comic or toy post today, but we'll be back on tomorrow. Unless I have to clean up bile or flem or something.

Edit: Not fifteen minutes after posting this, I had to go pull an extension out of Sugarpie. And not out of the front end, either.


SallyP said...

Ahhh, vacumns. No matter WHAT the commercials say, they all get clogged.

googum said...

I know. I'd like one of those magic Dyson vacuums, but the ads where he talks about the design process make me feel like a complete slackass. Like he went through 18,000 different test models, just so I could pick up Dorito crumbs. Um, yay?

I'm now thinking viking funeral when this vacuum dies, though; it's earned it's seat in Valhalla.