It's a goddamn What If? and it's STILL a Doombot?! Mother--

I wasn't being productive, so why not take a moment to read a What If? I hadn't read before? (Five minutes later.) I had read it before, and I hate it. From 1991, What If #31, "What If Spider-Man had kept his cosmic powers?" Written by Glenn Herdling, pencils by Scott McDaniel (with some corrections by John Romita), inks by "Col." Jim Sanders III and Sam de la Rosa.

We all know where this one's going, right? Captain America even says it six pages in: "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." And of course that means even corrupting our boy Peter, even though in this universe the Uni-Power stays with him, due to his heightened sense of responsibility. While he stops Nebula cold, he does mess up trying to help the Hobgoblin, and inadvertently changes his face to look like Peter Parker's! Already under a spell and mentally unstable, Hobby thinks Spidey made him a demon again, so is a bit peeved. Spidey does beat an outclassed Venom, challenging him to protect the city; but Venom notes his symbiote didn't think he was himself.

Much to Mary Jane's dismay, Spidey continues to escalate, stopping the Gulf War and bringing in a thinly-veiled Saddam-alike. He then tries to make Thor help him turn the Sahara desert into a garden, then Thor is dropped from behind by Doctor Doom, who wants the Uni-Power and has the first Captain Universe, Ray Coffin (from early Micronauts, which isn't mentioned here!) as a hostage. Spidey, now identifying solely as Captain Universe, refuses to negotiate, and Ray is killed. This triggers a metaphysical/astral-form fight between Spidey and the Uni-Power: Spidey's responsibility won't let him go with sacrificing any "trees" to save the "forest." The Uni-Power leaves him for Doom, but only for a moment, since it was only a Doombot--ah, that's the last straw! If you can't use the real, proper Doctor Doom in a bloody What If? where can you? Phooey on this one. Read more!

I have to wonder if Spidey gave the Surfer the hassle about this later.

Weirdly, Marvel's used "When Carnage Comes Calling" on the cover before, and it's feels like a Silver Age cover caption, and I'm not sure that works for a serial killer like Carnage? From 2000, Peter Parker: Spider-Man #13, "Living in Oblivion" Written by Howard Mackie, pencils by Lee Weeks, inks by Robert Campanella. 

Carnage takes down Spidey and Venom, in a seeming waking dream, or really loud fantasy. As plain serial killer Cletus Kassidy, he might not have been as tough without his symbiote, but promises a guard they will be reunited. Spidey later notes that previously the Silver Surfer had imprisoned Carnage in "a supposedly unbreakable shell of ethereal energy," which Spidey almost seems to think would have been permanent. (Would that have been too much? Maybe for somebody other than Carnage, but...) Venom had taken the Carnage symbiote away after that; but Cletus is still dangerous, escaping after a prison bus crash, out to "paint the town red!" Somewhat literally: at first glance, Cletus appears to have killed some cops and covered himself in their blood, but there are paint cans behind him. 

Spidey spends most of this issue pining for his wife Mary Jane, unaware that Aunt May has just been told that her plane has...something bad. Something we're not told here; I think it had just disappeared, or at least MJ had, since I think Marvel might've been testing the waters. Mary Jane was a beloved supporting character, Wizard fan-favorite, poster girl; but did Marvel already want to backtrack away from married Peter Parker? And I think it set up a sort of narrative cul-de-sac: the larger world and his supporting cast believed Mary Jane was dead, but Spidey refused to buy it and followed leads and red herrings to try and find her. There's also a sense that Peter is sick of being Spider-Man: he knows he's needed, but was burned out on the treadmill of recurring villains. That would build up to PP: SM #16, which we saw briefly some time back, where Spidey hangs a lot of lampshades on some of the repetitive elements in his stories. (It's an idea that I'm not sure you can use with Spidey without breaking him?)

Back to Carnage, covered in red paint in the streets of NYC, and calling out Spider-Man and Venom: one of the Kingpin's goons tries to get this red nut off the boss's car, but the Kingpin points up, indicating Spidey coming in. Claiming to still have some of his "other's" strength, Cletus throws a hubcap at Spidey; but gets taken down quickly, as Venom silently watches. Spidey resolves to take back his life with Mary Jane and swings home, just in time to get the bad news...

Aside: Aunt May has a couple lines about Peter; about him being frail, and wanting to hold him as when he was a child; that are somewhat infantilizing? He's a grown-ass man! I'm not sure how long MJ was MIA--her Marvel wiki page didn't even bring this stretch up. But Mary Jane shows up on the cover of PP: SM #29, which I'm going to assume really happened and wasn't a fakeout? It was after Mackie's run ended and Paul Jenkins took over. And Lee Weeks is, as always, pretty great here: feel like he's an artist that doesn't get mad love, but is so reliably solid in everything that he should be appreciated more.

Also this issue: A "Fast Lane" Spidey insert and a Spidey "Got Milk" ad! Yet it wasn't a high-water point for the actual book. 

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If you ordered the big Hasbro Sentinel but don't have this Spidey, prepare to curse your lack of preparedness.

From 1996, Amazing Spider-Man #415, "Siege!" Written by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Mark Bagley, inks by Larry Mahlsted and Al Milgrom. 

We're smack in the middle of a long-running storyline and a big crossover, both of which had potential but I'm not sure are remembered fondly: the Spider-Clone Saga and Onslaught. Ben Reilley was the current Spider-Man, and allegedly the real Peter Parker. Peter had just lost his Aunt May, had nearly died himself, his spider-powers were intermittent and erratic, and Mary Jane was pregnant. I think we're up to six things that would be later reversed, and we're not done yet! Somebody in the government had the bright idea to deploy the Sentinels against Onslaught, and they were almost immediately taken over by him. The giant robots begin enforcing martial law, and demanding mutants and enhanced humans to surrender; and they see Peter as a threat immediately. Peter leaps out of there with MJ, but the Sentinel had called in back-up to give chase.

As another Sentinel attacks the Daily Bugle, Ben makes sure his new supporting cast is safe at the Daily Grind before suiting up. Peter tries to lead a Sentinel away from Mary Jane, noting the robot noting his unborn child could be powered, then his own powers crap out mid-fight. Still, as a lowly normo, he no longer registers as a threat to the Sentinel, who returns to its previous duties. At the Bugle, Jameson attempts to rally his staff, when word of a fight outside reaches him. That damn Spider--no, it's the heroic Green Goblin, taking on a Sentinel himself! (It would be Phil Urich's greatest, and final, victory...he wouldn't get any in his last issue.)

Peter and MJ get to the Bugle, with Peter trying to get a camera and get back out there. Meanwhile, Spidey scares down some looters, then fights a Sentinel, tearing apart its head! I think multiple robot corpses would be scattered across the city for the next few months; I know we saw one in Punisher #17, even if I didn't scan it. 

So much rolled back from this issue! Also, we know Onslaught was Xavier and Magneto's, what, dark sides put together? Would he have wanted the Sentinels to keep cataloguing mutants? Or immediately start taking potshots at Peter, without giving him a chance to surrender? I'm probably nitpicking there; I've read the main issues and a lot of the crossovers, but never in order.

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I know I had this issue as a kid, but just re-reading it the ending wasn't what I thought; so I'm probably conflating a couple issues. Peter's life was unrelentingly terrible, so that's an honest mistake. From 1983, Amazing Spider-Man #242, "Confrontations!" Written by Roger Stern, pencils by John Romita Jr, inks by Kevin Dzuban. 

Pete makes a rare appearance at Empire State University, to see if he's been thrown out of grad school yet: between Spidey-stuff and the Black Cat in the hospital, he had not been putting in the time. And neither had his professor, who's there to scold him, but doesn't have the grades posted since his assistant Debra Whitman quit and moved: more Spidey collateral damage. Still, I don't miss college at all after that little time-waster. The professor is so terrible I would've been 100% fine if Pete had slapped his glasses off, webbed him up by his ankles, and told him what his new GPA was going to be. (Even if Pete blew his stack, that would never work, the professor would immediately have a stroke or something.) No time for that, though: Peter is immediately confronted by new foe...Lance Bannon! In a sporty, tiny, car.

Meanwhile, at the state pen, the Mad Thinker is safely locked away, except with a transference unit implanted in his brain, he can project his mind to a waiting robot body at a secret lab. There, he catches some recent footage of Spidey fighting an android made of the Thinker's cast-offs, from Marvel Team-Up #129. Watching Spidey, the Thinker ponders the rumors of his ability to avoid danger--almost like he could sense it. That would be useful to the Thinker, who had been foiled numerous times by unseen variables in his plans. Calculating where Spidey would be likely to show up soon, he sends a "battle droid" to test a theory. (The cover blurb says "the menace of the Mad Thinker and his Awesome Android," but we don't get his traditional, Awesome Andy!)

Lance is not as mad at Pete as it seemed earlier: new girl Amy Powell may have made a play at Peter to make Lance jealous, or may be starting to dig him, and Lance didn't know what to do. Not wanting "to be part of some screwy triangle," Pete calls Amy, who makes a dinner date for them without as much as letting him get a word in, after which he tells Lance to be there too. Ditching Lance to swing and blow off some steam, Spidey is of course attacked by the android, and is dismayed to notice Lance is probably getting pictures of the fight. After luring it into a web-trap and getting it squashed, Spidey still senses danger from it; grabbing a piece to study and taking off before the remains self-destructed. The Thinker, watching remotely, realizes the rumors are true, and considers his next move.

Back at his apartment, Pete answers a knock at the door, expecting Lance, and getting Amy, who decided to surprise him. Really surprise him. Still, when someone else knocks at the door, Pete expects that to be Lance. Amy won't let him go to answer it, but someone had a key...the returning Mary Jane Watson! I'm not sure how long it had been since she had been in the book, but I'm thinking a bit. His spider-sense didn't warn him? The Thinker shouldn't bother testing further, it's crap. 

I thought this was the one where Peter sees his final grades, crumples them up, and walks away: that scene tells you a lot, namely that he's not very considerate of anyone else who needed to check their score. Also, I thought he was seeing Black Cat exclusively now; but maybe that just means exclusively in Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man. I thought she was great, but if you were reading both titles at the time, it was like he spent half his time with her, half his time wondering if he should be with her.

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I was thinking I might've bought today's book with Tuesday's, because sometimes if I'm going though a quarterbox, an annual or special seems like a good get, right? Extra pages, usually a self-contained story, even if it's not necessarily a life-changing issue. (That said, there's a couple annuals I love more than anything, but this wasn't one of them!) I wasn't super-impressed with this one, but then I found out I missed the first half! Here's part two, from 1997, the Amazing Spider-Man '97, "...Before the Dawn" Written by Roger Stern, pencils by Tom Lyle, inks by Robert Jones, with Kurt Busiek as "unindicted co-conspirator"!

Dr. David Lowell, better known as Sundown, has just been released from prison. What, you don't know him? Yeah, me either, since I missed Untold Tales of Spider-Man '97, which kind of sounds better: Lowell had been an Osborn Chemical employee (before it became Oscorp, apparently) working on a "photogenesis process" that Norman didn't sign off on. In fact, Norman shuts him down and orders his work destroyed. In a scuffle, his formula was accidentally dumped on him, giving him a pretty impressive batch of powers after he fell into the solar lamps. As Sundown, he went on the rampage, facing Spidey and Marvel's entire 60's lineup; before he inadvertently injured a young girl, Mary Kelleher, who would lose an arm.

After serving his time, Lowell is approached by an Oscorp employee (that had been partially responsible for his accident) but turns them down. That meeting interrupted the mob's attempt to sign him: later, mob boss 'Lucky' Lobo (a Lee/Ditko creation!) tells him it sure would be a shame if something happened to Mary Kelleher's other arm. Sundown fights Spidey, but it's for show: together, they turn the tables on Lobo, and Sundown is free to slink off into obscurity like he wanted. Spidey wasn't sure if that would work, but guess so!

While Lowell walks the city and laments the changes he missed and mistakes he made, it's juxtaposed with Peter and MJ together: despite all the drama of being Spider-Man, he had it pretty good.

This held up a little better on the re-read; it might even be halfway decent with the Untold Tales issue to go with it.
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I'm not positive DD's armor is flexible enough to sit like that...

Sal Buscema drew one of, if not the first, Avengers comic I ever read; but it took me a while to warm up to him when he took over art on Thor after Walt Simonson. Still, he does a pretty good job with a tough one today: Daredevil's armor! From 1994, Spectacular Spider-Man #219, "Two of a Kind" Plot by Tom DeFalco, script by Todd DeZago, pencils by Sal Buscema, inks by Scott Hanna.

Daredevil was supposedly a new guy at this point, not Matt Murdock; yet he calls Spidey Peter more than once, and later Spidey shows DD his home and his face. Admittedly, Spidey has bigger things on his mind, since he's been poisoned by the Owl and the Vulture! Even though the Owl was trying to pull a Daredevil and erase his old identity, he still seems halfway reasonable compared to the inexplicably much younger Vulture. Vulture poisons one of Owl's old business rivals, just to show him "the folly in doing battle with your own dark nature." Owl lets the rival die, but later during the obligatory fight, acknowledges Spidey as a worthy opponent, and gives him the antidote...which turns out to be fake, leaving Spidey still poisoned and facing certain death!

While things aren't looking good for Peter, Mary Jane has a better time of this one, reuniting with her long-estranged father. It's melodramatic as all get out, but Buscema's art does a lot of the heavy lifting. I hate the cursive font, though.
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"MJ."

I know I've read a couple fairly recent Amazing Spider-Man comics with Mockingbird, but I'm not sure if he ever got around to asking her out, or if their relationship moved past that. And that would get rolled back anyway, so who cares. I'm glad I didn't read Spider-Man regularly for the last ten years, since Peter's probably going to be living in his aunt's basement next issue. Unless Marvel could figure out a way to get him back into high school.
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Should've done this like a newspaper strip, and dragged it out for weeks...

Topless Robot first showed me the reversal on the Peter/Mary Jane marriage in the Spider-Man newspaper strip, or you can check out the Sunday version at the Beat. (The Beat also has the news about the Archie wedding thing; and all I'll say about that is if Archie's proposing to Veronica in the first issue of six, it seems likely there'll be a "twist" between there and the altar. Unless it's six issues of wedding planning...)

Aside from mild bemusement and the usual snark, I don't know how I feel about this. It's handled better than a deal with Mephisto, sure; but it does create an unfortunate precedent to just lob continuity out the window. But a lot of continuity should go out the window...it's a baby/bathwater conundrum, except we only want to toss sixty, seventy percent of the bathwater. And ten, fifteen percent of the baby. Twenty, tops.

I wish I was more topical, sometimes: I maybe could've finished this one last Thursday, but couldn't find MJ or the Black Cat. That Marvel Select Black Cat does not stand well, at all. Finding the movie Peter Parker was just lucky, and that lamp in the background actually came with him. At any rate: this is tomorrow's post. Today's, about some comic that I may or may not have read yet, will be up Wednesday. Because I have a system, that's why. Read more!