Feel like there's a style guide for this.

I've had a copy of Marvel Team-Up #79 sitting next to my computer for a bit, but I'm trying to talk myself out of ordering a Red Sonja figure! Better blog this issue instead; you probably haven't seen it, anyway. From 1985, Red Sonja #7, "Harvest!" Written by Bill Mantlo, art by Rudy Nebres.

I'm not sure exactly where in the Hyborian Age today's book is set: "the savage steppes" is mentioned, so maybe Hyrkania? I ask, because the bad guys in this one are Mongols--not Mongol-like, but pretty much just an invading Mongol horde; and the king of the besieged city is a tsar. I don't think those terms were never used in Marvel's Conan books, but rarely: either Mantlo might not have written a lot of these and not been familiar with the usual terminology, or this was set further away from Conan's usual stomping grounds (a sizeable area!) to set it a bit apart. Anyway, Sonja and her companions Galon and Achmal join the defense of a doomed city, surrounded and starving; although the tsar swears the only weapon that can save them is their wheat. Gasp! Quadrotriticale! Um, no.

Like the majority of Sonja's companions, Galon is pining over her, but also knows that's not gonna happen. The captain of the tsar's guard also shoots his shot, but Sonja tells him she couldn't possibly date someone who was so about to die, which is for her letting him down easy? She thinks the tsar is insane, their position indefensible, and the situation pretty hopeless; and that's before the locals sink into cannibalism. Sonja finally opts to split, but the captain points out they'd never get through the horde; so she confronts the tsar, who seems to be hording grain for himself, but also seems younger and more together than before. Sonja still stabs him. But the tsar, even as he bleeds out, chides them for placing all their faith in steel, as he casts a spell, creating wheat soldiers that attack the Mongols. Stabbing them didn't do much, so the Mongols resort to burning the wheat-men, and are caught up in the blaze as well.

As they ride away, Achmal points out the dead Mongols were going to make great fertilizer, and their next harvest would probably be bountiful. Assuming it's not all murderous wheat-men, I guess. Weird day for Sonja. Read more!

Could've sworn I already blogged Red Sonja #2; what the hell...

This was the same year as the other one? Come on! From 1983, Red Sonja #2, "The Sea That Steals!" Plot by Christie Marx, script by Roy Thomas, pencils by Ernie Colón and Alan Kuperberg, inks by Alan Kupperberg.

While this was Sonja's second #2 at Marvel, this was also the last issue of this series: they may have thought reformatting to longer stories was the way to go, and why not see if they could get a first-issue bump again...within a year of the last one. (I don't think Dynamite plays the first issue card as often; but Sonja has definitely had a ton of first--and second--issues in the years since!) Sonja is working as bodyguard for an Aquilonian diplomat and his daughter, and has also picked up Zora, the red-haired survivor of a cult who claims Sonja was her sister. There's also a pirate who turns out to be the diplomat's brother, and a creepy statue and demon, and an unnecessary continuity patch. Yeah, it's another plot-heavy one. In the end, the daughter goes to live the pirate's life with her uncle...which is portrayed as a happy ending? And that pirate didn't exactly have a heart of gold, even if he treats his niece well; but he gives her a new name: Valeria! Which doesn't line up, and I'm surprised Thomas didn't catch it: even just in Conan stories from Thomas himself, Valeria and Sonja were closer in age, but this would've been at least a ten-year difference.

I don't know if that next issue blurb lined up with her actual next issue; but odds are even if it didn't that story probably ended up somewhere, Savage Sword of Conan maybe. Marx also had a lot of TV writing credits, and I wonder if the supporting cast here wasn't originally intended to maybe be around longer than two issues.  Read more!

Somebody bought this and didn't redeem the coupon for a sixty-minute Maxell blank tape? I can't believe it!

Well, you did have to send in eight Bubblicious wrappers: that's a lot of chewing! From 1983, Red Sonja #2, "Blood Debt!" Written by Tom DeFalco, pencil breakdowns by Mary Wilshire, inks by Nestor Redondo.

I don't have the first issue--or, at least don't have it right next to me--but this seems to be continued from there. Feverish from drinking polluted water, Sonja hallucinates her origin before collapsing, and is near death. Luckily for her, a kindly fugitive stops his flight to tend to her, which sadly leads to him being recaptured and murdered. Sonja was still too weak to do anything about it then, so she then has to track the killers down. Outside of a bar, she nearly has one of the killers in hand, but he's then killed when his drunken friends try to help, and Sonja is captured. The local warlord, the bloodthirsty Lady Feema, takes an interest in her, though...(That name really feels like a placeholder that made it to the final draft!)

This is pretty plot-heavy, but reads as well as any Conan of the same time. It's also longer: the first four issues of this series were a dollar, when most titles were sixty cents, but it was 38 pages of story. It was also continued, which wasn't usually the case in the Conan books, although that would soon change. Read more!

Check out the link, since you may recognize the cover to today's book, from a Marvel house ad. But how is the issue? From 1985, Red Sonja #11, "Buried Alive!" Script and plot by Louise Simonson, plot and pencils by Mary Wilshire, inks by Vince Colletta.

Sonja spends most of this issue buried in an avalanche, unfortunately: it's up to her young companion Kynon to get help, which does involve fighting off a harpy. Most of the rest of the issue is given over to the evil sorceress Vassilisa Iceheart, who actually thinks she has Sonja's heart: previously, her "cavalok" Yuri had supposedly killed her, but he had instead captured Kynon's mother Bran, and had her chained up in the forest and gave the sorceress a deer's heart instead. I feel like I've heard that somewhere before...The handsome Yuri also charms the serving wench Llrissa into bringing Bran food: Llrissa doesn't believe Bran's story, but does suspect Yuri isn't sincere in his desire for her, especially since he's keeping a pretty redhead in a metal bikini chained up in a cave. Llrissa tries to convince Vassilisa that Yuri had made advances on her; which Vassilisa just sees as Llrissa being uppity, and opts to have her thrown into the pit of lost souls. Panicking, Llrissa gets real snitchy, tattling of Yuri's redhead captive, whom Vassilisa assumes is Sonja. That doesn't save Llrissa from the pit, though.

Before being rescued, Sonja has a vision, of the goddess that gave her power after she had been assaulted, many years ago: she was special, so act like it. Or, the vision could be Sonja's dead sorcerer friend Achmal, trying to motivate her to survive. Not unlike Moon Knight and Khonshu, Sonja's relationship with her goddess has been open to interpretation. Sonja's quest would run two more issues, but she would appear in Marvel's assorted Conan titles for years to come: it's still super-weird to me that Dynamite has her now. Read more!

Ah, Sonja does him like Bullseye did Elektra!

Usually, I'm all about getting cheap comics, but this was part of a fistful that cost me a bit more than I wanted. But I'd never seen this one before, it lured me in! From 1995, Red Sonja: Scavenger Hunt #1, written by Glenn Herdling, layouts by Ken Lashley, finishes by Harry Candelario. With a fistful of assists: Alex Jubran, Daniel Horn, Joe Pimentel, R Micheletti, Harry Candelario, Edde Wagner, Grant Nelson, Hector Gomez; and a cover from Greg and Tim Hildebrandt.

Although I like Lashley's art, the cover really carries this one: it's a 36-page fetch quest, as Sonja gets sucked into said 'scavenger hunt' after killing a handsy brute at a bar. Or possibly, um, a more adult establishment. Lotta whores in there for a Conan-era bar; but it does set up the line "The legs of a street-walker aren't meant for running," which is a savage burn. The search is on for a fallen warrior woman's mystical suit of armor, although in the usual Red Sonja, sword-and-sorcery tradition, that armor covers less skin than your mom's swimsuit.

Sonja teams up with the "diminutive Pict" Freyda, and meets three other warrior women on the journey; and it's probably not a spoiler to say it doesn't go great for most of them. There's a bit of a twist and some ironic comeuppance in the end, but it's nothing amazing.
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The Age of finally getting all four issues.

Finished reading Conan Red Sonja the other day. (That's how the title comes up, no 'and' or ampersand or slash or anything!) I got all four issues from the back-issue bins, but from various stores and never all at once!

In this series, Conan and Red Sonja meet only four times over the course of their lives, from young thieves to seasoned warriors. (As opposed to their dozens of encounters in Marvel's comics!) Their meetings and their destiny are tied to the wizard Thoth-Amon and a monstrous bloodroot that could destroy entire kingdoms. Thoth forces Conan and Sonja to battle for their respective homelands, and the loser's will be destroyed!

Conan's badly wounded before that fight, but still holds his own, until he decides to let Sonja finish him. (This was sometime after the death of his beloved Bêlit, and Conan was going through what could charitably be referred to as massive depression.) Will Sonja kill Conan to save her people? Well, you can probably guess, but it's still pretty good. The story does assume Conan and Sonja give a rat's ass for their homelands, though: if they were that great, they'd still live there...

Story by Gail Simone and Jim Zub, art by Dan Panosian.
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"Emerald Lust" sounds dirtier than it is...

Some years back, we checked out what I thought was the last issue of Savage Sword of Conan that I bought on the newsstands; but the other day I picked up a half-dozen issues from around then. And yet ended up blogging this issue I already have. From 1990, Savage Sword of Conan #170, "Emerald Lust" Written by Chuck Dixon, art by Gary Kwapisz. Joe Jusko cover, but SSOC covers were frequently disconnected from the interior stories, so there wasn't a hint there.

This issue, seemingly unrelated events lead to disaster: a shipwrecked, frozen Kothian is hit then picked up by the longboat of Captain Varnigern. After sleeping with a chieftain's daughter, Conan is forced to make a hasty retreat, with Aerik Blackeye swearing vengeance and giving chase with his men. And later, the pirate Valeria invites herself in to hear the Kothian's dying words...

...about an emerald the size of a mountain. Varnigern, described later as "loving gems more than a woman does," is sold; figuring that to be "too big a lie not to be true!" and joins forces with Valeria. Meanwhile, Aerik's looking for warriors to join his manhunt for the "big oafish Cimmerian" who sullied his daughter, and gets a ringer: Red Sonja! (Referred to as Sonja of Hyrkania at first, possibly because this is a black-and-white comic!) Aerik either doesn't remember Conan's name or doesn't care, but Sonja does think that pig sounds familiar...

Seeking new climes, Conan offers his services to Varnigern, who as much as tells him to piss off, before Valeria sees him and jumps him. She's thrilled and pissed to see him, since after he cut out last time they were together, Valeria's crew turned on her. Conan does not take a lot of her guff, though, throwing her over his shoulder. Varnigern's ship sets sail, mere moments before Aerik's band arrives! Sonja offers not to charge for this one, but Aerik's not giving up that easy.

Meanwhile, Conan is once again enjoying Valeria's company, even if she is a bit crazy for him, and he thinks this emerald hunt is probably a bad idea. Sailing further and further north, the ice continues to pile up around their ship, until at last they see it: a veritable mountain of emerald!

As the giddy crew hack pieces off it, Conan and Valeria both realize real emerald is harder than that; when Conan picks up a shard...it melts in his hand. The emerald is nothing but oddly colored ice! Varnigern is understandably a bit perturbed, but Valeria protests she couldn't have known, and Conan has things about settled down when Aerik's ship arrives, hellbent on Conan's head! I don't think they even noticed the "emerald" as they ram Varnigern's ship; but after sailing to the unchartered roof of the world, surrounded by ice and danger, they probably were pretty enthusiastic about finally getting to murder Conan.

Worse, Sonja recognizes Conan, and Valeria sees her eyeballing her man, and the two of them are soon at it like mad dogs. Valeria accuses Sonja of wanting Conan for herself, and when Sonja protests she invokes her "oath of chastity," which just makes Valeria certain Sonja wants Conan to beat her. Wait, not like that...suffice to say, they hate each other immediately.

Both crews battle, unmindful of their surroundings, so when a chunk of iceberg falls on Aerik's ship, just about everyone is killed. Valeria and Sonja pull themselves out of the freezing water, but think themselves doomed until Conan does likewise. Conan tells Sonja "we should draw a line across the belly of the world and stay on either side of it, Sonja." Pretty great line, there. He forces them to fall in line, since their only chance of survival was together. Facing a week's hike to the outskirts of Vanaheim, the trio face giant seals and a blizzard before getting back to forests vaguely in the neighborhood of home, and Conan laments the deaths of five score men, on a dying man's word, for a handful of ice. Completely ignoring that Conan probably got Varnigern's crew killed more than the emerald, but even so.

I really, really want to read Gail Simone's Conan/Red Sonja miniseries; but this issue is the bar it would have to beat for me.

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With a name like "Devourer of Souls," you know what you're getting.

Dark Horse Comics, the current holder of the Conan the Barbarian license for comics, has been reprinting trade collections of the classic Marvel stories. Per Amazon's listing for the Chronicles of Conan, volume 22 is due December 2011, and that would bring the reprint total to 175 out of 275 issues. I don't know if the Chronicles have reprinted any annuals, but I don't think they would be up to this one yet. Which is just as well, since it's a very Marvel story: Conan the Barbarian Annual #12, "Legion of the Dead" Written by Janes Owsley (a.k.a Priest) with a plot assist by Val Semeiks, pencils by Vince Giarrano, inks by Ernie Chan.

How Marvel is it? Well, this storyline had been running for over a year, since around #187. Conan also had a bigger supporting cast in these issues than his entire run to date; and guest-stars Red Sonja and Kull! (Kull in a flashback, since he was from an earlier age.) And the stakes are definitely raised: instead of his usual foes, Conan was up against the Devourer of Souls, an extradimensional demon who was gearing up for the end of the world.

By this point, the Devourer has captured a little girl and her cat; which is a bigger deal than it sounds: the girl is an immensely powerful "child of the Elder Gods," and the cat is her battery, and may be over 10,000 years old. Needing some backstory, the Devourer makes a visit to Arallu, or Hell, to see Kull's long time villain, Thulsa Doom: the Devourer correctly surmises if the cat had been around back then, Thulsa would've known about it. Having little else to do, since he'd been chained to a wall since his death, Thulsa tells him about it.

Back in Kull's day, a young shepherd named Sedrick saved a knight from savages. Grateful, the knight made Sedrick his squire; and while they were close, the other squires were resentful of the peasant in their midst. Thulsa Doom used Sedrick's resentment, in a plot against Kull. The plot failed, at the cost of the knight's life; and in revenge Thulsa turned Sedrick into a cat. An immortal cat. Thulsa does that rather off-the-cuff: maybe he should've tried that on Kull. He also didn't know the Elder Gods would use the cat to store their power.

In gratitude, the Devourer blasts Thulsa's chains, giving him "freedom to roam the underworld." Then, it's time to get back to work destroying the universe...

Meanwhile, Conan and his band are discussing the recent appearance of a sword, received from the Elder Gods. They come under attack by scavengers, but Conan's group is on top of their game...save one.

Red Sonja's skill with a sword was a gift from a goddess, and she believed it was conditional on her remaining "untouched." Attacked and violated in a previous issue, she was now acting like the scared peasant girl she used to be. A surly Conan is not very sympathetic here (although I'm positive Conan killed the hell out of Sonja's attacker) and is similiarly dismissive of the Elder Gods' sword as having the wrong weight and no balance. Taking his old sword instead, Conan heads out to get answers from the Footslave of the Elder Gods...where the Devourer already is.

Instead of the Footslave, Conan finds a gateway to Arallu, which he has little choice but to take. There, Thulsa Doom is waiting for him, since he knows the Devourer would even destroy Arallu. Meanwhile, Conan's band set out to follow him, leaving Mad Simeon to watch the helpless Sonja. Attacked by the dead, Conan's regretting not bringing the Elder God's sword, while Simeon's playing with it when the scavengers attack again. Simeon is killed with arrows, enraging Sonja, who regains her fighting spirit...but she knows it was too late.

Joined by his team, Conan fights through the legion of the dead, but the Devourer gains the Elder Gods' power. This would be concluded in Conan #200, which we may dig up some other time, as there was a twist or two there. This was Conan's last annual at Marvel; and while I liked it, I can see how this might not be to the taste of all of Conan's fans.


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Conan of the Mid-Life Crisis:

We mentioned this issue about a bazillion posts ago, but I found a slightly water-damaged copy of Conan the King #28 for fifty cents at the Comic Book Shop a bit ago...which makes me a little sad that I didn't pick it up earlier, since it appears to have been there for some time. I had this issue back in 1985, but my Conan comics were lent out a ton and often lost, so I hadn't read it in some time. Does it hold up to my recollections? Let's see!

The story opens with two riders looking for Conan the King...y'know, I always liked "King Conan" better. And he isn't at the palace or the throne room, he's pounding down a couple at the Black Boar Inn; incognito, with a fake beard. (In the original stories from Robert E. Howard, I believe Conan had a beard when he was king, but that would make him look like Grandpa Conan.) And I'm not sure how 'incognito' he was, drinking with his advisor Prospero and Black Dragon/bodyguard Tarquin. Tarquin, who may not have owned other clothes, was in full armor...

The riders storm into the bar, shouting for Conan, who isn't recognized but is pissed his undisclosed location was...disclosed. After a brawl, Conan clears the bar, notably having to bawl out a cloaked figure who is the last to leave. The riders bring news that the Queen of Shem has been abducted, and Conan damn near charges into action, before Prospero rains on his day: responsibilities, duties, his family. Conan orders Tarquin to take a squad of the elite Dragons and find the queen, then grumblingly heads back to the castle. Good to be the king? Meh.

Conan ditches Prospero, who was about to remind him of his daughter Radegund's birthday that evening. Instead, Conan pouts about his kingdom Aquilonia being a prison, until the cloaked figure from the bar sneaks up on him. "A careless man leads a short life,"the figure says; and Conan says the only one who's ever snuck up on him like that was "a flame-tressed devil from Hyrkania's steppes..."

Red Sonya, herself. She's not wearing the more recognizable chainmail bikini, but what looks pretty close to her outfit in Marvel's 80's book. She's still a mercenary, and actually on the clock; but confesses she couldn't resist following Conan to "greet him for old time's sake." Now, piss off: "Get back to your court or your harem or wherever you kings park your royal rumps all day long." I'm not going to scan the next panel, because it almost looks like Conan is about to cry there. Sonya relents, and says Conan can come with her, but not "outfitted like a royal peacock." She takes Conan's crown off with her sword--not sure how, yeah--and Conan himself ditches his other kingly accouterments to ride after her.

After a couple subplot pages, wherein Queen Zenobia perhaps flirts a little with her guard captain Lysander, Conan and "Son-ya" are rowing out to a "death barge." Conan clucks his tongue at her robbing the dead, but Sonja doesn't debate it, instead ordering Conan around. As they swim to the barge, Conan tries to get a little grabby, which doesn't go well:

That's a pretty good expression, there. Sonja says Conan should know better than that by now, but Conan merely acknowledges she can still kick like a mule.

As is typical for Sonja and Conan's capers, Sonja uses Conan as dumb muscle, leaving him to take care of the guards; while she tries to steal a jewel from a necromancer's corpse. Also typical: things go awry.

After defeating the smoke monster, Sonja takes the jewel, and Conan helps himself to a jeweled chain "for old time's sake." After they row back to shore, Conan wants to hit a bar and drink it dry while Sonja dances. Sonja asks Conan to get the grappling hook she left in the boat, then cuts the line and kicks the boat off the shore. Saying he has "no business with a sell-sword and a wanderer," Red Sonja rides out of Conan's life, possibly for the last time. Conan swims ashore and is about to ride after her, when he hears the bells of the temple of Mitra.

At said temple, Radegund is in tears at her father's absence; and his advisers are trying to cover with a story about fasting and meditating that even they know is weak. But Conan shows up just in time, with the chain as a present to boot.

This issue reads a lot differently, now that I'm old and while not king, have a lot of stupid, stupid responsibilities that I would just as soon throw away and ride off with an old girlfriend. (Pfft! There's no old girlfriend of mine dumb enough to take me back!) Conan and Zenobia's marriage seems to be in pretty bad shape here (not unlike the last time) and Conan doesn't seem especially close to his kids. (His oldest, Conn, was believed dead at the time.) The Queen of Shem plot wasn't touched on again this issue, either. But it's open to interpretation, how much this issue is about Conan's mid-life crisis, or about Sonja continuing to play him for a chump. Or if Sonja leads Conan on, or if he's really just always going to be a sap for her.

From Conan the King #28, "Call of the Wild" Per the GCD, since it doesn't seem to be credited in this issue, written by Alan Zelenetz, pencils by Marc Silvestri, inks by Geoff Isherwood. (Silvestri and Isherwood's signature is on the splash page, at any rate.)


EDIT: I had missed the ever-popular U.S. Postal Service Statement of Ownership. Line C Total Paid Circulation: average number of copies each issue during preceding 12 months: 141,537. Single issue nearest to filing date: 140,643. And an almost equal number of returns!

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Shortlist: She-Devil with no action figure?

Back in Marvel Toys first wave of Legendary Heroes, they made a Witchblade figure, even though she had her own line of figures from Moore Toys. But since Conan would get a figure later from Marvel Toys, I can not figure out why they went with Witchblade instead of Red Sonja.
It's not like Sonja is any less covered than Witchblade...well, maybe. And between the Brigette Nielsen movie version, the possibly-maybe upcoming new movie, and various other incarnations; I concede the rights for making an action figure of everyone's favorite chainmail-bikini wearing barbarian might be a tangle.
Although the later outfit (around the 80's, I think, shown here from the Official Handbook of the Conan Universe) doesn't look bad there, it would probably be a terrible idea to do a Red Sonja figure in anything other than said chainmail bikini; at least at first. It's her most iconic and lasting look, plain and simple. That said, there has been a variation or two, as seen in this oddball Frank Thorne story from Savage Sword of Conan #29.

Not to repeat rumors, but I did read somewhere that Shocker Toys was possibly hinting at giving Red Sonja her action figure due. But I don't think any announcement has been made or prototypes shown; and it's all too likely the prospect of movie licensing is holding her up. In the meantime, Mattel's Masters of the Universe Classics line is going to beat Sonja to the bikini-barbarian punch with Battleground Teela. That looks like it's going to be a sharp figure, but here's hoping Red Sonja sees the action figure aisle someday.

First scan from Dynamite's Red Sonja #0, written by Michael Avon Oeming with Mike Carey, art by Mel Rubi.
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