"The End" Week: Excalibur #125!

Ah, it wouldn't be "The End" week, if I didn't have a book with Nightcrawler. Or one I actively hated. From 1998, Excalibur #125, "Tying the Knot" Written by Ben Raab, pencils by Dale Eaglesham, inks by Scott Hanna.

The nicest thing I could say about Ben Raab is that he wasn't Chuck Austen. Close, though. He took over Excalibur after Warren Ellis, and was probably editorially mandated to roll back everything. It's not as bad as it could be; but bland and forgettable. This issue, Captain Britain marries Meggan; a hungover Douglock annoys Wolfsbane; and Nightcrawler, Colossus, and Kitty Pryde leave Excalibur to return to the X-Men. (To this day, I don't know if Excalibur's cancellation was due to sales, or re-consolidating the X-brand.)

The worst part about this issue, is catching up with dropped plotlines characters that hadn't been seen in the book for whatever reason, usually a change of writers. Micromax, Feron, Kylun, Cerise, all of whom are varying degrees of unsuccessful and/or pissed about falling off the team. Which isn't their fault, or Excalibur's, but probably the writers or the editors, I guess.

Excalibur was a book I was always glad to have, even though it's ratio of good/crap may not have been great. Claremont's issues were all pretty solid, any issue with Alan Davis writing or drawing were great, and Warren Ellis's were my favorite. The rest were spotty, and this one wasn't really a winner either.

More "The End" posts over the weekend! I plan on watching a lot of football Sunday, so that may mean even more than I have now, unless the Cowboys tank it and I spend the evening swearing at the TV...

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Eight random line items!

1. My bike is ready to go, and now I just need the weather to cooperate a bit more. Been listening to my headphones a bit more lately, as well, in preperation. Fun fact: I'm just about convinced that I am in fact invulnerable, as long as Helmet's Unsung is playing.

2. Via Topless Robot, I've been introduced to Deadliest Warrior, which I enjoyed quite a bit, even if it's dismaying on multiple levels. The first episode particularly: some people thought the taunting between the Apache and gladiator teams sounded scripted and fake, but watching on the computer, I thought there was a better than average chance of them maybe testing a move or two on each other. It's just a short matter of time until there's a C.S.I. episode based on When Deadliest Warrior Goes Bad.

That, and sometimes it's just a little depressing to realize how quickly you, as a person, could just be done. Shot in the eye by an arrow, head split open by a broadsword, disemboweled by a samurai...remind me to invest in some chainmail. And a moat. Who said, "The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man dies but one"? Obviously someone with no imagination, or lacking access to high-tech testing facillities, ballistic gelatin, and forensic scientists.

3. I keep hearing Alice in Chains' "Rooster" on the radio. Excessively. I shouldn't complain too much: whoever decided an alt-pop-metal bastardization of Wham's "Careless Whisper" was a good idea...it wasn't. Really, Seether? Really?

4. Barring that disaster I'm always on about, I'll finally be taking the kids to Coraline at the cheapo theatre tonight or this weekend. I'm surprisingly enthusiastic to see Crank 2, but obviously, can't take the kids to that. Have to take my mom. She loved the first one.

5. Finally got that haircut. Looking good, except at least twice I've felt around my head for my hat. Unfortunate.

6. I'm actually incredibly frustrated with a bunch of stuff lately, but this has sidetracked me. Rest assured, everything does suck; but my attention span is such that I can get distracted by something else, good or bad, before getting too worked up about it.

I've been a little worried lately, since for years, I had no family medical history of anything: when a relative died, it was because they were older and smoked. Now I've got a family history of depression and Alzheimer's. Yay. I'm pretty scatterbrained the best of times--it's one of the main reasons I have this damn blog, so I can refer back to it when I'm old and completely gone--but now occasionally I've been second-guessing myself: am I depressed? Or just annoyed?

The Onion headline, "Study shows, Depression Strikes Losers Hardest" springs to mind. And there's an ad on the radio for depression that tries to show that it's a serious medical problem like any other: "You wouldn't say: It's only cancer." I always answer: yeah, I would! Suck it up, nancy! Man up, diabetics! Quit your bellyaching, depressives! Now, I'm not saying this to make light of anyone else's problems or condition: for me, I have to put depression (and/or any other medical problems) in their place by laughing at them.

So, short answer, I'm not depressed, and I'm not going to get depressed worrying about depression. I'll get depressed when I can't find that damn DCUC Big Barda variant...

7. There are weird holes in my pop culture knowledge. "Captain Planet" just came up: a co-worker claimed to have the theme song for it stuck in his head. I've never seen an episode. I thought he was referring to the Robot Chicken episode where Ted Turner paints himself blue, and busts up polluters while screaming "Cap-TAIN PLAN-et!"

In the same vein, since I'm older, toys of the eighties? I had just about none of them. No Transformers. No 3 3/4" inch G.I. Joes. No He-Man, no Thundercats, no M.A.S.K., no Ninja Turtles, none of 'em. I had Star Wars guys pretty much through Empire, and then that was it. I probably didn't get another toy until I bought a Robocop figure, a seven or eight year stretch without action figures.

Of course, that was the first time around: since then I've picked up somewhere between 'some' and 'a pile' of figures for most of those lines. Well, maybe not Thundercats or M.A.S.K., but you get my point.

8. Man, kind of a downer those last couple. Better go out on a high note. Um...hmm...well...how about this: I already said the Star Trek random panels would continue until the movie came out, OK. Right now, the plan is for the week Wolverine: Origins opens, we'll have a new homemade strip every day! Probably without Wolverine. Yeah, funny how that works out...I don't think I have anything funny to do with him. Do I? Probably not, but we'll see.
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Maybe the X-Men have a salary cap...

Ah, advance solicitations. Because why not get hyped up and/or completely depressed for something that won't be out for months? From Comic Book Resources Advance X-Solicitations for March 2009:

X-MEN: QUITTING TIME
Written by JAMES ASMUS
Penciled by TBD
Cover by BRANDON PETERSON
Since the move to San Francisco and after the events of X-Infernus, Nightcrawler realizes a hard truth—he has to quit the X-Men. Kurt has realized that the X-Men just don’t need him anymore. He hasn’t been operating at his highest levels and even the biggest strength he has—teleportation—has been made redundant by Pixie who can do it better and more efficiently. Don’t miss the departure of one of the most important characters in X-Men history.
32 PGS./One-Shot/Rated T+ …$3.99

My initial response? Craaaaaaap.

I can see why Nightcrawler might be frustrated, or even want to quit; but replacing him with a teenager? That seems prudent. But Kurt's teleportation wasn't meant to be mass-transit: his job on the team isn't to bus the whole team around, it's more a short, quick jab, to get in or out. Maybe he's tired of the Cyclops/Emma regime, but Scott has to be a terrible manager if the one semi-upbeat team member the X-Men have ever had wants out.

Sigh. Look, it's pretty obvious, right, but Nightcrawler's my favorite mainstream comics character and serves as adopted mascot around here--Sally's got Green Lantern('s butt), Mike Sterling's got Swamp Thing, and Chris Sims has, um, either a car battery or a face-punched polar bear. I'd call Deadpool too, but frankly, Deadpool gets love and doesn't need my support. In fact, Pool has another solicit for a special. But Nightcrawler, frankly, doesn't seem to get any attention or appreciation from the X-books. I haven't bought a regular one since, um, #499, since it's not like he's had a big role in most of the issues since.

And that's pretty much par for the course: even though Nightcrawler's a popular and well-known X-Man, he's almost never been the main focus of the X-books. To continue the salary cap joke, maybe Nightcrawler should look for a trade to another team or book. Maybe X-Factor, or please, Captain Britain and MI:6. Here's hoping, but I'm willing to bet "Quitting Time" is $3.99 worth of moping, self-pity, and overwrought goodbyes; until Kurt gets dragged back in. Maybe I should change the banner to Nightcrawler reading the want ads...

Hmm. Actually, I do have to change the banner here one of these days...

...but I didn't like the lighting on this one. Still, I might set up a new one later this week. Maybe. Read more!

I practically drooled when I found this old issue.

Sweet Rao, I saw this cover, and thought it was going to be fricking hilarious. I'm afraid, not so much. In fact, the Space Archie story is the second story in the issue, and I couldn't tell you way.

I'm not the hugest Archie fan: I can remember reading occasional issues as a kid, and that's about it. And since I'm old, back then Archie wasn't the only younger-reader comic on the spinner rack: for me, Archie comics were in the same vein as Richie Rich, Donald Duck, Sad Sack, or Dennis the Menace; so I probably didn't get as many Archies as a lot of you. Which means, I'm don't know if this sort of story was common for the more-dramatic themed Life with Archie or not.

I also don't have the same unconditional love for Archie comics that I do for, say, old Star Wars comics, or Warlord, or even Man-Wolf.

Much like a 70's variety show, the regular Archie characters are cast in different roles in this story. Their starship low on 'regurge fluid,' Archie and Jughead set out for a local settlement, and find it done up in a western motif.

Unless time travel's your whole thing, like Dr. Who or something, there has got to be a moratorium on this 'alien culture based on old Earth era,' routine. Star Trek reruns have been on lately, and I know it turns up at least three times off the top of my head. Anyway, everything's all westerny but with ray guns and androids and crap.

After witnessing a double-disintegration in a shootout, Archie and Jughead get to the stables and check out the hover-horses. Then, they hear the clamor of "Maverick McClintock bringing in his herd!" Not cattle: "Like the song says---long little doggies!"

Aside from the terrible, terrible pun; I remember racking my eight-year-old skull trying to figure out why the ever-living hell you would build those. Archie and Jughead wisely decide to bail out, and run straight into the "savages."

Jughead sends the Indians the wrong way, saving the day and the townspeople and so on. A grateful mayor offers Jughead the sheriff's job, which he seriously considers. For a second.

And there's a little nightmare fuel for you today. Pretty sure Mad beat them to that one. That joke couldn't have possibly been new in 1979, and it's not aged well.

Oh, and the first story in this issue is even more unbelievable: in "Stranded in the Storm!" Betty and Veronica are trapped at the Lodges' mountain cabin during, you guessed it, a surprise snowstorm. While Arch and Jughead, against all common sense, set out on cross-country skis from the Lodge mansion to rescue the girls; a pair of looters invade the cabin and force the girls to...

...cook for them. The horror, the horror.

Anyway, the boys outwit one of the looters, but are saved by...Veronica?
Veronica clubs down a potential assailant: believable. Veronica cooks something that smells good to Jughead: impossible. You might as well have Dillon win a fight or Reggie help an orphan or Moose drown puppies: it's just out of character. I could buy Betty administering justice and making a helluva dinner afterwards, but sadly she doesn't get much to do in this one. Yes, I like Betty better. Shut up.

All panels and cover from Life with Archie #204. Sadly, no credits were given, but there was a statement of ownership. "Total paid circulation: Actual no. of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 128,004." That's sold, with 160,719 returned, since this was pre-Direct Market and they printed over a quarter of a million copies per issue. If I'm reading that and June's sale numbers from the Beat, this would have been a top ten book, just behind the fifth issue of Dark Tower: the Gunslinger Born.

Holy hell, I have to go lie down now... Read more!