This pirate: still a jerk.

We saw his first appearance years back, and he may have been intended to be a recurring foil, but today's the last of his three appearances: from 1985, Warlord #95, "Dragon Doom!" Written by Cary Burkett, pencils by Adam Kubert, inks by Ian Akin and Brian Garvey.

This was the second of a two-parter, set during the larger storyline of the war with New Atlantis: the pirate Cap'n Hawk was an ally of Travis's in that war, albeit an extremely mercenary one. When their meeting is interrupted by Vashek assassins (basically Skartaran ninjas, largely coasting on their rep) they escape, only to be swamped by a sea-dragon. Hawk, Travis, and Shakira were saved by catching a ride on a passing barge, of a princess fleeing her kingdom out of boredom. With the promise of a reward to return her, Hawk ditches Travis and Shakira, leaving them to be jumped by the Vasheks at a waterfall!


After going over said waterfall, Shakira wonders why they're even looking for Hawk; and while there's other good reasons, Hawk stole Travis's trademark helmet! That's like tugging on Superman's cape! Tracking Hawk, they run across a dead tyrannosaurus, and wonder what could've killed it. Still, they catch up to Hawk soon enough, only to realize if they could follow him, so could the Vasheks!

Somewhat surprisingly, Travis was out of ammo for his .44 Automag, so the fight wasn't looking good; until the princess's troops arrive: the Danko Warriors, riding their huge tricorn horses! While the Vasheks are able to take down a few, they are outmatched.

They meet the Lord Kaldustan, who had a sword not unlike the one the clone of Travis's son used way back in Warlord #21. Weird. Anyway, Kaldustan would have joined the Warlord's fight against the New Atlanteans, except that sea-dragon made it impossible to move his forces off the island. If only someone could get rid of that thing...Travis rigs up a diamond-tipped giant crossbow--thanks to D&D, it's called a ballista, and I was disappointed they didn't call it such. Hawk agrees to help for two additional chests of diamonds, even if Travis has to do all the work.

All's swell that ends swell: Hawk delivers another load of prisoners freed from the Atlanteans, Travis has made another new ally, and Hawk steals Travis's diamonds as payment for his help against the Vasheks! God, what a dick. I suspect he might've returned, but Burkett only had four more issues in his run; and I suppose Travis's quest after #100 was taking him in the opposite direction.
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Pirates=Still Jerks.

Years ago, we checked out an issue where King Conan's wife Zenobia was stolen by pirates. But Zenobia wasn't a hardened warrior, like Tara from the Warlord, that would never happen to her...oh, wait, we're doing this? All right...from 1984, Warlord #87, "Bargain with the Devil" Written by Cary Burkett, pencils by Dan Jurgens, inks by Rich Buckler.

Travis's ship, the Wind Shadow, has sailed into the midst of a pitched sea battle. One of the participating ships is a New Atlantean vessel, and thinks Travis is reinforcements; he's not, his forces are at war with the Atlanteans and captured that ship. Travis and his crew take the Atlantean ship, which was carrying captured slaves; but then they get a call--a shout, literally--from the other ship, the pirate vessel of the dread Hawkins the red-hand, Cap'n Hawk, the scourge of the Skartarian Seas, otherwise known as the Sea Snake! Travis has never heard of him, and isn't that impressed; but wonders if he can't use the pirate against the Atlanteans.

The Cap'n isn't adverse to making a deal with Travis, but wants an ace up his sleeve, and has his men kidnap Tara while he and Travis are hashing out the details. He'd planned on keeping her as insurance, with a bit of ransom for good measure, figuring Travis wouldn't dare attack while they held her. Yeah, not so much: Travis has himself launched at the pirates by catapult, then shoots Hawk's sword with the always-handy .44 Automag! Not to be left out, Tara gets to slug Hawk as well.

Hawk graciously decides to let Travis and Tara go, after all, he was merely, um, testing them, to insure Travis was the legendary Warlord. And he was still down with rescuing slaves for sacks of gold, so Travis did win an ally. A slimy, untrustworthy bastard of one, but still.

And also this issue: another installment of the Barren Earth, in which the captured bug-headed alien Qlov seems far less threatening when it repeats the word "Qlov!" excitedly. And seems to be wearing slacks. ("The City in the Sky!" Written by Gary Cohn, art by Ron Randall.)
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A better question, "Who's heard of the Black Pirate?"

Kind of a cool splash page, from 1982's DC Comics Presents #48 back-up, "Whatever Happened to the Black Pirate and son?" Written by Roy Thomas, art by Alfredo Alcala. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but this one wraps up an old feature in eight pages. A privateer for England, Jon Valor lost his son Justin and retired five years prior; but is asked to retake the mantle of the Black Pirate again to fight a band of pirates preying on English ships. One of those pirates is his son Justin, who wasn't killed, but instead rescued by Puritans, and was now trying to raise money for a voyage to the Americas. Wait, he was a Puritan pirate, then? Yeah, not a lot of sense; but nice art.

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Pirates=Jerks.

In movies and popular fiction, pirates are often portrayed as swashbuckling, charming, personable rogues. Well, pirate captains, anyway: the rank-and-file pirate crewman as often as not is an unwashed lout. Either way, don't believe the hype: pirates are jerks. Occasionally they're up against jerks of equal or greater jerkitude, but still jerks.

Being a big fan of Errol Flynn movies like Captain Blood and the Sea Hawk, this would be a hard lesson for Nightcrawler to learn. After getting thrown into another dimension with Lockheed the dragon, Kurt fell in with a crew of skyfaring pirates. It's all fun and games--until the pirates run across another ship, and attack it. Nightcrawler is forced to turn on them, almost scuttling their ship, then bailing out for the attacked one. (Scans from Nightcrawler #1, "How Much is that Boggie in the Window?" Story and art by Dave Cockrum; and I'm legitimately shocked I hadn't scanned anything from this issue already.)

Still, Nightcrawler hasn't seen the last of those pirates...

Another occasional pirate: Conan the barbarian. Whether you go by the strict Robert E. Howard timeline, or the more freewheeling Marvel adventures, Conan was up for a little piracy more than a few times over his lifetime. Especially in the Marvel comics, actually: there were long stretches of Conan the Barbarian or Savage Sword of Conan that were one-issue stories with little continuity: sometimes Conan would be in the desert, then the city, then a pirate, back to the city, and so forth. Honestly, that's how I prefer to read Conan...

In today's other book, 1984's Conan Annual #9, "Wrath of the Shambling God!" (Written by Michael Fleisher, art by Ernie Chan.) Conan is once again a pirate captain. That may be a misnomer, today Conan may be less a pirate captain, than "the guy on the ship who could murder the lot of you if you look at him funny." And while Conan's has often sailed with female pirates like Belit and Valeria, it's a sausage-fest today. Worst of all, the crew is a bunch of cutthroats, backstabbers, and incompetents. The latter especially, since after attacking a ship full of "warrior-priests" with no money, the ship sails into an iceberg.

Rescued by a band of Inuit-like sailors, Conan is grateful, but his crew plots to kill their captain and ransack their hosts. Drugged, Conan is attacked and falls out a window, and the pirates go nuts. Swept away by the current, Conan is forced to fight his way back through a woolly mammoth, and the idol-god Thogarh. Meanwhile, the pirates are torturing the natives and turning on each other, before they find a stash of black lotus. They think it's to, uh, "enhance their virility," but it drives them insane before long.


OK, that is kind of funny, but still, pirates are jerks.

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Hey, a review! S.T.O.P. vs. S.C.U.M!

I wrote this for Articulated Discussion a while back; then yesterday I saw knockoff Transformers in the grocery store and thought of it again. Christmas is coming, and while it's always good to give toys, if you can cough up the extra green, don't get the knockoffs, bootlegs, or pirated figures...like today's figures!

Some years ago, I was in a dollar store and saw a terrible, almost-melted knockoff action figure. It wasn't the real draw, though: it's package proclaimed him as "World's Greatest Terrorist." Man, I wish I'd bought that thing.


So, when I saw today's figures in the dollar store, I wasn't going to make the same mistake in missing out...well, "missing out" is a bit strong, there; and I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about that. Today, we've got...I don't know who made these. Greenbrier Distributing? Homieshop? Look, it's not worth the thought I'm giving it: S.T.O.P. vs. S.C.U.M.'s Lady Lead and Skull Hawk.

I guess the theory is kids love acronyms. I'll scan the backs, since I'm not typing all that backstory. But they at least sprung for knockoff filecards and the five figures on the back change depending on which one you bought. The packaging is...functional; in that it keeps the figures from lying there in a pile. And, it's not airtight, so any toxic fumes probably dissipated on the ride here from China! That's a plus!


Ohmygod, I'm at the point in this where I have to open these. Worse, since I bought them full price, I have to score them?

Sculpt: I've been playing with some sculpey lately, and have realized I can not sculpt for anything. So, there should be some points for getting a humanoid shape with recognizable gun-things. 1! This is the bottom of the barrel. Lady Lead's sculpt is particularly horrifying, though. Reminds me of a character from the Road Warrior, and I sure as fun don't mean Virginia Hey...Also, both figures' weapons are sculpted into their hands, so no accessories.


Paint: Oh, god, why did I sniff it when I opened the package! There was a skunky wiff, but not the eyewatering toxic discharge you sometimes get with dollar store toys. As far as the paint on the actual figures...I think that was the best Skull Hawk on the pegs, which incidentally aren't open-hooked, so I had to take a bunch off the peg entirely, which exposed me to more public scrutiny then I would expect at a dollar store. There are a couple of halfway decent tampos, tattoos on both figures; and it's not like the paint was gonna improve these things. The guns on LL are the worst. 2.


Articulation: A bit of a crapshoot here, since the plastic is a little soft and has a bit of give, which makes the joints seem more joint-like than they actually are. They actually tried to make swivel-hinges for the elbows, though! Between the paint and the plastic, you may or may not be able to move them, but it's definitely an E for effort. "Lady" Lead's hips are incredibly loose--that's not a joke. I got her to stand up once and called it good. 2.

Fun: Aside from harshing on them here? Not a lot of fun. If you've got a ton--and I mean a ton of Dreadnoks or something, and you want some background figures for them...these would still be a poor choice. And I'm not going to recommend breathing in the fumes for fun, either. 1.

Value: Well, Lady Lead and Skull Hawk were a dollar a piece...but a dollar for crap still isn't a value. Hell, earlier this year I got movie Joes for .88 a pop! It's a 1!


Overall: 7. I don't even remember if that was out of 25, 50, or 100, but even so. This has gotta be the worst thing ever here. But, if you pick up one for comparison purposes, it'll make you appreciate that Star Wars or Marvel or G.I. Joe or whatever figure that cost $9.99. Man, Is it Fun? made this look easy when they did the Corps! figures...I think I need to open a window, get some air, and leave this to the pros at The Undiscovered Playthings...


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Ever wonder who would win in a fight: Arnold Schwarzenegger or Orlando Bloom?

What the hell kind of question is that? Oh, I brought it up? Well, we aren't even really close to that one, but we are going to look at Conan versus pirates!

Now, Conan actually spent a good chunk of time when he was younger as a pirate himself, eventually quitting the seagoing life (for the most part) when his love and pirate queen, Belit, was killed. Eventually, Conan became king of Aquilonia and took a wife, and that's where we come in.

In a seafaring smash-and-grab, the dread pirate Iron Bones and his mottled crew kidnap said wife, Zenobia; planning to get a king's ransom for her. Or something. This is almost a good idea, except they're trying it on Conan, who at this point in his career, has killed more people than death. Really, it would've been common knowledge that Conan killed his way up the ladder to king, right? Maybe you wanna try the queen-napping next door in Ophir or something?
Conan arrives back from another adventure ready to see his wife, only to find out she's seeing her folks off on a state trip. Upon getting the message of her kidnap, he leaves the country to his regents, again. Considering the state of long distance communications in the Hyborian Age is pretty much yelling, they probably ran the show most of the time anyway.

Conan stomps down to the nearest ship he can find, with a squad of cannon-fodder soldiers; and commandeers it. In fact, we don't really see the captain of the ship, he may have opted out of this little pleasure cruise.

Meanwhile, after several of the obligatory tankards of grog, Iron Bones decides to inspect his prize, toying with her until his first mate, the dreamy Nestor, stops him: Later, Nestor chats up the queen: turns out, they were both from Nemedia. The king at the time drove out Zenobia and her parents, while Nestor took to the sea. Zenobia's confident Conan's sailing to her rescue, giving Nestor the perfect shot for a great line: "He'd be a blind fool who wouldn't risk his all for a beauty like Zenobia." Unluckily for him, the tender moment is interrupted by Captain Bones throwing a cheating sailor over the side.

Meanwhile, the crew of the ship Conan's taken has come to the conclusion that he's pirated their craft, which is pretty accurate, honestly. They rise up, and Conan calls it a mutiny, but they're just defending themselves and their ship from the crazy barbarian who's taking them to fight pirates. In the fight that follows, Conan punches a guy off the crow's nest, then dives overboard to try and save one of his own men, which leads to a shark fight. Naturally. Again, King Conan's killed creatures great and small, and doesn't seem to bothered about it:

Conan and his men retake the ship, the surviving sailors put in irons. Shortly thereafter (well, "several days later," but it's on the same page) they find the pirate ship. Iron Bones wants Zenobia tied to the mast, planning on killing her if the deal goes south or the ransom's not in his color or just if he feels like it. Nestor protests, then challenges Bones for the ship.
Zenobia's already getting a little soft on Nestor, and is concerned for the three seconds it takes him to gut Bones. Nestor then unties her, but explains that she belongs to the ship, and her ransom to the crew, so he can't just turn her over to Conan. But fighting for her is OK. Which would also dick the crew out of their ransom, but all right.

Conan arms his crew, including the mutinous sailors, assuring their cooperation by scuttling their own boat: they'll take the pirates' ship, or die. The ships engage, Conan quickly hacking his way to Nestor, who is likewise doing a number on Conan's men.

Mentioning you're after his wife, mid-duel, probably wasn't good form, but I guess too late now. Conan rescues his wife, and has the start of a good laugh at the idea that one of those scurvy pirates wanted to keep her for himself. Zenobia strides up to the deck to see:
From King Conan #19, "Bones and a Blade" Written by Alan Zelenetz, pencils by Marc Silvestri, inks by Mike Gustovich. I liked this issue, but the coloring isn't anywhere near as sharp as a more modern comic--but it's more nuanced then the usual four-color frenzy. I'm not a huge Silvestri fan either, since I'm only familiar with some of his X-Men and Cyberforce work and it always seemed to have more lines than it needed to. Still, this doesn't seem as rendered, but that may just mean the inks are overpowering it. Or maybe I'm overthinking very early work from Silvestri just because of the name attached. The art's very Marvel-Conan of its time.

Although Marvel's Conan the Barbarian has been collected at least in part, and Savage Sword of Conan is in the midst of being reprinted (although I'm not sure of the availability, and weren't a lot of those previously reprinted in Conan Saga?) I don't know if anyone's jumping up and down for King Conan/Conan the King to hit the shelves again. I bought the series regularly from #28 until cancellation, but a key factor there was that I distinctly remember it came out bimonthly, towards the start of the month, on a week that was a bit slow release-wise for me. In other words, when it hit the spinner rack, there wasn't anything else I was going to buy, and damned if I wasn't going to buy something.

Conan the King was bimonthly, but counter intuitively, it was more continuity-heavy than either Conan the Barbarian or Savage Sword. So every two months, it was a bit of a chore to try and recall which regent was Prospero and which one was Trocero and what countries were allied with Aquilonia and which against and so forth. And in the other Conan books, he was living free and easy, or rather, mowing down all who opposed him, drinking and wenching and having fun. As king, Conan had responsibilities, a wife, a kid (at least one); and seemed to feel tied down, stifled. The early issues especially, where he usually handed regency over to the aforementioned Prospero and Trocero (yes, Conan does the job of two older men) and ditched out to fight a wizard or stab some guys or whatever. I also think in the original Howard stories, as a king Conan had a beard, but Marvel probably figured nobody would want to read Grampa Conan.

I do wish I still had issue #28, which guest stars an somewhat improbably still-hot Red Sonja. I say "improbably" not because she would've been in at least her late forties (maybe fifties even) by this point in the series, but because she was in her late forties in an imaginary historical age where the average life expectancy was probably like twelve. At the first sight of her, the only "one that got away" in Conan's life, he's ready to ditch the crown, the wife, the whole magilla; to run around with "Son-ya" and play at being a thief again.

Best of my recollection, Sonja not only plays Conan for a sap in her scheme, she also pretty plainly lays out that Conan is not getting in her pants either. (She didn't wear pants, but that's neither here nor there.) It's a little embarrassing, to watch Conan get shot down, and have to swallow his pride and go back to his life. Sad, but it is one of two King Conan issues that I remember well, so there's that at least.

Oh, and the answer to the earlier question: Schwarzenegger wins, but then his wife resents him a little for it...

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