I haven't seen the DC animated version of Crisis on Infinite Earths yet, and I know a version of Kingdom Come is still on a lot of fans' wishlists; but for me DC is leaving money on the table having never adapted this one: from 1997, Titans: Scissors, Paper, Stone, story and art by Adam Warren, inks by Tom Simmons. 

This was a squarebound Elseworlds book, and I wonder how it sold. OK, looking it up, 21,066 copies? And I have at least two? Ranked 131, but it was at a higher price-point than most of the titles around it...wow, outranked by Superboy and the Ravers #9 and Untold Tales Legend of Captain Marvel? Sometimes I just want to take comics, as a collective, by the ear and have a little word with it...Titans: Scissors, Paper, Stone is just good, man. It's exceedingly well-crafted and despite not really featuring the classic Teen Titans still says a lot about them.

In a far-flung future, a young witch realizes her satellite home was going to be in danger. To combat that, she ritualistically puts together a mythical team to fight the threat, patterned after the legendary Teen Titans. While she was the magic-y 'Raven' type, she recruits an energy alien living in a human corpse and a girl with a decommissioned military cyborg body as her 'Starfire' and 'Cyborg.' The last team member is her ex-boyfriend, but running a programed personality, of a certain famously brooding superhero, who describes "Dick" to a T: "A good-natured thug, lacking super-powers, but well-armed with a positive attitude." The new team has to face a colossal military death machine running amuck, but the witch is confident since in the super-hero myths "...in the end, the good guys never, ever, ever lose!" Maybe, but there might be more to that...

So, this has been reprinted at least once; and that Comichron sales page kicked over to eBay links to this one: there's several out there on the cheap, and I highly recommend it.

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This month, Thor picks a fight with his buddy's dad.

I think I've read several issues of this series from the dollar bins, but maybe none in order. Still, we'll see if this one does anything for us: from 2024, Immortal Thor #14, "The Wheel" Written by Al Ewing, art by Janeth Bazaldúa Nava. Cover by Alex Ross.

This issue opens with a flashback to the mythical origin of Zeus: his mother, Rhea, had gone to the earth-mother Gaea for help. Namely, how to keep the Titan Cronus, from eating her son Zeus? Gaea substitutes a magic rock, for Rhea to feed to Cronus in Zeus's stead, then gets kind of creepy and grabby: she considers if Zeus could be useful, in the future, was he the one...? She decides no, but maybe he could be a final test for that chosen one.

Millenia later, Thor and Hercules find the resurrected Zeus, in a dark dimension of endless night. He had been killed by Nyx, who seemed to have a lot of power there, but she, like the rest of them, was seemingly trapped in that dimension by a rune of Loki's. (Actually, although he may have used it, I don't think it was Loki's rune.) Loki was currently appearing as a younger man, and shows up with Athena, who seems to have gone a bit dark and spacey, filled with "the wisdom beyond wisdom." They give Thor some clues about his current test, before Zeus returns, now partnered up with Nyx, and intent on killing Loki--and incidentally, Thor, Herc, and even Athena--then getting out to start a new race of gods. Still, his vaunted thunderbolts can't even reach Thor: he was currently the All-Father, and could turn the bolts away. Herc notices, that seemed to dismay Loki...

Zeus gets angrier and angrier, as Thor feigns boredom batting away the bolts. But, Hercules realizes, the test was to "take it like a god!" Thor takes on Zeus, hand to hand, and catches about a million volts, but stays in there. Herc turns his attention to Nyx, forgiving her, in an attempt to free them both from an endless cycle of vengeance. He also points out, a realm of eternal night, maybe actually was a good home for her? Nyx realizes, yeah, she could do something there, for herself (and probably without Zeus...) and sends one of her calmer-seeming kids, Hypnos, to go with Hercules back to the "old world." But Zeus and Thor's fight continues: Loki says, his trial wasn't over.

Despite Zeus hitting him with everything, Thor is unhurt: in fact, he's taking in Zeus's power, leaving him smaller and weak, and finally collapsing. Thor now had the power of Odin and Zeus...as well as the mark of the wheel. To be continued! 

I would have to read more of this series in one sitting to be sure, but I wonder if Ewing wasn't trying to see, if the old cycles like Ragnarok couldn't be broken. Can you learn from them, if you have to keep reliving them?

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"Yaka."

It's probably still harassment, but do guys still wolf-whistle at girls? Or is it straight to just outright horribleness? I've seen too many Tex Avery cartoons, so wolf-whistles don't seem entirely innocent.

Oh, and I may have to add reference later, but there's a Space: 1999 episode where they very obviously had a foam machine for the weekend and worked it into the plot!

Every time I steal from Doctor Who for Death's Head, drink! The Second Doctor got forcibly regenerated by the Time Lords and was stuck on earth for the Third's early adventures. I want to say it's an Onion headline with the Doctor and the Brigadier: "Neither Boss nor Employee paid enough to deal with each other." 
 

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I hope your expression is more Ham's than Spidey's today!

 

I'm not sure if Soul Coughing's reunion tour came anywhere near here, but I don't exactly have my ear to the ground for that sort of thing anymore: I missed Garbage last month, since I didn't hear about it until the day afterwards, and I'm still sore about that one. Anyway, this song has always reminded me of really, really old cartoons; so perfect for today! From 2020, Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham #3/23, written by Zeb Wells, art by Will Robson.

Midway through this mini-series, and Spiders-Ham and Man have been chasing someone that also had a dimensional teleporter: this issue, they're back in WWII, and Spider-Ham has taken...a really off-putting 30's animation style form! He also seems to rhyme a lot, which probably doesn't help: Spidey has a rarely seen somewhat dismayed expression in his eyes, even the webbing pattern on his mask seems downcast. They almost catch the gasmasked malefactor, but he escapes again.

Meanwhile, back on the funny-animal Earth-8311, the collected heroes and villains are going to fight to save their world from becoming less cartoony; as soon as they settle on a name for the event. Captain Americat, and the rest, realize they kinda miss Spider-Ham; and settle on the event name "Aporkalypse!" Ham sees this, in an inset panel...Using the power of the Bee-yonder, the Spiders chase the bad guy, first through a gritty Dark Knight-style universe, then a comic strip version; with Spider-Ham changing to match both times. They then fall into the space between universes, where Spider-Ham sticks his head through a hole and can see the story, like it's a comic book! (The newspaper strip-style J.Jonah Jameson yells as they depart "WE DON'T GET META AROUND HERE! WE SERVE AN OLDER AUDIENCE!") Ham also peeks in on the crossover, a pretty solid double-pager, and hey, there's a Nightcrawler in there! You know I'm all about that nonsense.

After a lot of gawking through at other points in the story, the Spiders have a moment for what is probably the throughline for this one: Ham was feeling like he was always in the way, or didn't fit in, which was why the Bee-yonder was changing him to 'fit' wherever they went. Spidey has to admit, Ham was a hero, and had a lot of fight in him, even if nothing else made a helluva lot of sense. In a devastated future, the Spiders catch up with the bad guy, as Cap and the X-imals do the same on 8311, setting up a double reveal: Spider-Ham is right, it's pretty cool, for Kangaroo the Conqueror! Who blames Spider-Ham for the destruction of their world!

Solid fun, even if Spidey looks (and acts) like he would rather be anywhere else. Also, I feel like the cover is a homage to something, but can't nail it down. 
 

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A pleasant side effect of having been at my job about as long as I've been at this blog, is that I do get a fair bit of vacation time; so I took a little extra time off last week. Which somehow didn't translate into getting any posts done: I couldn't tell you when I wrote, or rewrote, that Warlord post from Friday, but it was scheduled for next year or later and I had to move it up. But, somewhere in that time off I picked up a spare of the next issue, the conclusion of the "Morgan's Quest" storyline! From 1987, Warlord #116, "Revenge of the Warlock" Written by Michael Fleisher, art by Ron Randall. Cover by Mike Grell.

Tara is gracious enough to accept Mariah's apology, for trying to steal her husband with magic; again, it's ambiguous if most of the cast here was monogamous, but okay. Still, Travis's quest to find a cure for his daughter Jennifer, who had been magically aged back in #100, had come up short. While Jennifer seemed too old to stay awake or even move anymore, Travis was distraught. Meanwhile, in the nearby kingdom of P'thun, the wizard that gave Morgan the info at the start of his quest, Muldahara, uses a magic wand to murder the king and takes over. We mentioned Muldahara, possibly not by name, in an earlier post about the Quest, as "a lisping, scheming, effete fat ponce; that was (even) a little offensive back in 1985." I suppose they might have wanted to avoid just doing Deimos again, though. Tara had a spy in P'thun, though, who reports back; and Travis realizes there was something fishy about Muldahara: he had retrieved some mystic doodad for the wizard, to get the quest details, and perhaps felt responsible. He storms off, telling Tara he was in a bad mood and didn't want her to see it; leaving Tara wondering how much of that she was willing to put up with.

While being bathed in "costly unguents"--well, if that's your thing, I guess--Muldahara has a little flashback: he had seen a local demigod-statue-creature-thing give Jennifer the zap that aged her, then used Travis to get the gems that were the statue's eyes, and transferred those to his magic wand. So, the whole Quest was a red herring? I wonder if that was planned from the start. Travis finds the way to P'thun now has a massive hedge maze, but the magic ring he got in #114 and used to see through Desaad's illusions helps him, for about three seconds, until Muldahara sets a hedge monster on him. Then, yay, new subplot! Gotta be an improvement from the Mariah/Machiste one, right? That one wasn't awful, but maybe as repetitive as the Quest, while Mariah pined for Morgan like the whole way. This was the return of CIA spook/epic grudge holder Redmond, from Warlord Annual #5: after getting more information about the Mayans that emerged from the center of the earth, he realized that sounded like reports he had read about Dinosaur Island, from really old Suicide Squad stories, which is sorta uncharted but the general directions were there. Skartaris was originally a world inside of the earth, but was now more generally accepted as some extradimensional area, accessible from a few places. Like Dinosaur Island! Redmond hits a pterodactyl with his plane and goes down: I took a look at the covers, and I can't recall how long he would be chasing Travis. That plot was also a bit similar to one later with a guy named Maddox, who also hated Travis so much he followed him to another world, which is weird that it happened twice. Two final points: Redmond crash-landing his jet echoes Morgan crashing one in that annual, with even the dialog similar; and he was going to friggin' Dinosaur Island, yet seemed real surprised by that pterodactyl. What did you expect?

Anyway, the issue at hand: Travis realizes he can set the hedge monster on fire, and does. Even through he had a bad rep at the time, Travis still storms past the guards, to confront Muldahara, who is just giddy that he gets to kill Morgan up close. Using his wand, he ages Travis's sword to dust--that sword with the knuckle guard was pretty iconic!--and plays 'tag' with him, zapping him a couple years older repeatedly. Back in Shamballah, Jennifer senses her dad's danger, and teleports there: while frail, she was still "sorceress supreme," and destroys Muldahara's wand. A probably 90-year-old Travis clocks Muldahara, knocking him out; but then he and Jennifer revert to their true ages. So, not only was the whole quest thing pretty much for nothing (aside from dealing with the threats they found on the way in all the sidequests!) Jennifer ends up saving herself!

Meanwhile, a pretty blonde arrives in the city of thieves, Bandakhar. A pretty blonde with super-strength! It's Power Girl, who would hang out with Jennifer until #122. (The book would be refurbished a bit after that with new artists Jan Duursema and Tom Mandrake.) She had recently been established as Atlantean instead of Kryptonian, and somebody probably got handed the assignment of trying to make something of that. I know Power Girl has had some supporting casts since, but I wish Jennifer still got to hang: they were a good team, and Jennifer's classic green outfit is sharp as hell. 

Also this issue: yet another USPS Statement of Ownership. Number of copies sold closest to the filing date: 67,781. Ouch, we saw a Statement for #104, and that's down from 88,462!

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Yet another crossover that's a crossover...because they said so, that's why!

I would've sworn this story came after #116, the end of the "Morgan's Quest" storyline, but nope! One short. From 1987, Warlord #115, "The Citadel of Fear!" Written by Michael Fleisher, art by Ron Randall.

The issue opens with a desert caravan that tempts fate by talking about the recent scourge of the desert...the Warlord? Who has been leading raids for captives, taking them to a "citadel of terror" from which no one has ever returned--okay, first off, it's "Citadel of Fear," it's right there in the title; second, if no one ever returned, how did anyone hear about it? Regardless, during the attack, one caravanner kills himself rather than be taken, leading the Warlord to kill one of his own men in rage.

Meanwhile, much closer to Shamballah, Travis, Mariah, and Shakira have just arrived, their quest to save the magically-aged Jennifer seemingly a failure. More oddly, Travis seemed to have forsaken his wife Tara, now declaring his love for Mariah. Shakira thinks Travis is acting a fool, and rides off...I'm more than 90% sure Travis wasn't 100% faithful to Tara, if that sort of thing was even an issue in Skartaris. Back at the citadel, the "Warlord" marches his prisoners in, then unmasks: she's Y'smalla, a Vashek assassin. And she's using an image inducer-style device, courtesy of her partner here: Desaad! Yes, Darkseid's lackey, from the New Gods Desaad. This issue was a Legends crossover; I have to say it's been a dog's age since I've read that one. Anyway, Desaad has some kind of mission there, but is also enjoying the opportunity to torture peasants and feel their pain--that seems new; I would've thought he'd be all about inflicting pain but not receiving it; unless I'm misremembering. (Y'smalla got an entry in an Who's Who update, shortly after the Watchmen entry, but that probably makes her one of the better-known Warlord bad guys. Check after the break!)

Travis and Mariah ride into a village, that had earlier suffered a raid by the fake Warlord, so they're not thrilled to see them. They're captured and going to be burned at the stake, although a rider does take off, to tell Tara. The rider gets there in time to see Tara captured by Desaad, so then has to ride back and save Travis and Mariah. He then takes them to the citadel, where Travis tells Mariah while he doesn't love Tara anymore, he still has to save her. That's not entirely true, though: Mariah knows Travis only loves her because of a magic amulet, and is feeling more than a little guilty about this. In the Citadel, Desaad had planned on killing Tara, in front of all the captives, as Morgan, to further break them; but with Morgan coming Desaad has to think quickly and create a different illusion: Tara getting fed grapes by loincloth-clad hunks.

Still, Travis sees through the illusion, with another magic item, a ring I'm guessing was from a prior issue even if I don't recall it right this second. Desaad knows when it's time to bail, and skips out as a huge chunk of machinery is about to crush Tara and Mariah, with Travis only having time to save one! Knowing she'd never be able to live with herself, Mariah tosses the amulet into a fire, freeing Travis to save Tara. Luckily, even though they weren't close, Shakira had stayed nearby, and helps Mariah get clear. Tara and Morgan are reunited; while Desaad consoles himself with the thought that he had damaged Morgan's legend, and Y'smalla was still out there...

Warlord had a Crisis crossover around issue #91, but I don't know if readers were clamoring for the book to be part of the DC universe. This wasn't the last time the New Gods would come up, either. After the break: how about I blog the same damn comic twice, because I found it in the quarter bin, and didn't think I had done it already since it was scheduled for seven years from when I originally wrote the post?

Because it amuses me, and because I didn't want to have a solid week of Warlord posts, I've scheduled them out to 2030; but let's sneak one in now! From 1987, Warlord #115, "The Citadel of Fear" Written by Michael Fleisher, art by Ron Randall.

A desert caravan of merchants is almost safe and dry, when the scourge of the sands attacks--the Warlord, "and his blood-mad horde!" Riding his traditional armored black steed from back in the Grell days, Warlord wants prisoners, even killing one of his own men for letting a merchant kill himself to avoid "the citadel." Meanwhile, near Shamballah, the Warlord and his companion Shakira and his new girlfriend Mariah--wait a minute! That's not right...Travis wonders what their next course of action will be, since he still hasn't figured out how to save his daughter Jennifer, or how to tell his wife Tara he was with Mariah now. We'll probably get to the previous issues eventually, but Mariah has accidentally-on purpose used some kind of love amulet to make her long-time crush way too devoted to her. Shakira, seemingly far more chaste than I would've ever guessed, calls Travis on it, then takes off in a huff.

Back at the aforementioned citadel, as captives are shuffled off to the dungeons, the 'Warlord' makes a report to none other than Desaad of the New Gods! Under an Apokoliptan disguise, Y'smalla of the Vashek Assassins was greatly enjoying the opportunity to destroy the Warlord's good name; while Desaad had some mission going (maybe even a plot against Darkseid!) but was mostly just enjoying torturing captives, and experiencing their pain as well. Y'smalla knows he's a nut, but she was getting what she wanted, so...Long-time DC readers may actually recognize her from the house ads for Who's Who Update '87! Bottom left corner!

Travis and Mariah ride into a trashed village, and are immediately attacked by the villagers, who are confused why the Warlord would return without his horde, but are more than willing to have them both burned at the stake. A lone rider leaves to get his queen, but Tara has her own hands full, as she's visited by a disguised Desaad, who captures her. The rider goes back to free Travis and Mariah, and leads them to the citadel; where in front of his collected prisoners, Desaad plans to torture Tara to death under the guise of the Warlord, which should kill his reputation throughout Skartaris.

Travis pushes hard on the way to save Tara, explaining to Mariah that he still felt he owed her that; while Mariah feels like dirt. Desaad tries a bit of trickery first, with an illusion making it seem like Tara was just at a really hedonistic spa day, but a magic ring from a prior issue lets Travis see through it. Well, Desaad figures he's probably done enough, right, so time to split; as falling machinery is going to crush Tara and Mariah, and Travis only has time to save one of them! Knowing she would hate herself, Mariah tosses the amulet into a fire, to free Travis to save Tara, while the returning Shakira saves Mariah. Shakira did that sort of thing a lot: leave, then come back like she couldn't trust her friends not to die without her constant guidance. Reunited, Travis kisses Tara, while Mariah wonders if it's better to have loved and lost, and Desaad takes his leave of Skartaris, wondering what damage he might have done to the legend of Travis Morgan...Look, they had to justify the Legends crossover somehow! 

The next issue would be the conclusion of "Morgan's Quest," which had been running since #101: so many side-quests! Poor Jennifer had probably spent at least a couple months as a 100-year-old woman, but hopefully we'll blog that one someday. Maybe even someday before 2030, but no promises!

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80-Page Thursdays: DC's Spring Breakout! #1

The day I picked this up was a busy one! I had to replace the battery in my car, which took a bit of doing: walk to the O'Reilly's, walk back with the battery, bike back to the hardware store for a ratchet set...I was lucky enough to get done before it started raining, and the rest of the day kind of looked like how everyone thinks it does here all the time: namely, Seattle gray and rainy. But I had to rush, to make it to a sale the next town over! Anyway, I'm nattering on, since this won't fit in the scanner, and it's also appropriate for here that the cover says "Eight Sensational Stories to Spring you Forward" and we look at it the week we fall back! From 2024, DC's Spring Breakout! #1, with stories by Joey Esposito, Thomas Krajewski, Mike W. Barr, and more; and art by Nico Bascuñán, Scott Kolins, Marco Santucci, and more.

Oddly, only maybe two stories seem really spring break-related: the Teen Titans "Relay for your Life," where Robin tries, and mostly fails, at turning a beach day into team-building exercises; and the Metal Men in "The Day the Robot Danced." Has Scott Kolins done other Metal Men stories? Good fit there. Doc Magnus's latest robot has disappeared, Gold has called in sick but really just wanted a day off, and the Doc might've been distracted when sending Iron and Lead to enter a surf contest. A helpful surfer helps Tin get the hang of it, and he also figures out the new robot's problem: namely, it was built to be too serious, which means Doc Magnus took a perfectly good robot and gave it anxiety.

In "Field Trip" Harley Quinn swings back by Belle Reve prison, to bust King Shark out for some birthday fun: I want to say Harley's currently written as well-intentioned but seemingly with the superpower to make bad decisions. The trip involves an alien monster, space, and Metropolis, because that's how she rolls. "Cold Feet" is a character piece with Batman and Mr. Freeze: Bruce Wayne is a wallflower at his own party, until Mr. Freeze shows up. Stalling, Batman explains, without any direct references to himself, that he didn't like to dance, as he had lost his partner, namely, his mom. But he still ended up at balls or cotillions or whatever, and at one a striking ballerina asks him to dance, which both brings him out of himself a little, but also teaches him how to lead...like, to lead Freeze directly into a trap. But, shades of the Gotham TV show here: the ballerina had been Nora, who had been Freeze's fiance at the time--and was at the party! He met young Bruce! That almost feels like Freeze should be putting two-and-two together in the paddy wagon.

Mike W. Barr's "Soul Survivor" maybe doesn't have anything to do with spring break, but didn't Barr create Katana? Yeah, he can do whatever. Superman and Jimmy are catching "Opening Day" for the Metropolis Meteors, and "Shape-Shift in the Park" has an unusual face-off--multiple face-offs!--with Clayface crashing a Shakespeare in the Park thing, and the Martian Manhunter being forced to play opposite him. The Lex Luthor story might be the oddest, as Lex finds himself buried alive, but getting himself out is how he proves to himself that he was better than those who were just "given" powers. But was he President again? Or maybe this was set when he was...? A choice, that also doesn't really sing 'spring break,' but this wasn't bad. I did get another 80-pager, but am mildly disappointed since I had been looking for DC's I Know What You Did Last Crisis, although that one maybe doesn't have the jokes the cover makes you think it might. Read more!

"Strike."

Hmm, I had typed something here, but I don't think it saved. Anyway, the Wand of Watoomb does look like it would hurt, shoved anywhere. Read more!