I would love to see an episode where the bad guy was like "The Lone Ranger? AND Tonto?...alright, pack it up. We'll try this two states over."

There's a Lone Ranger movie on TV, and Mr. Morbid asked, so we've got a second before I give this to my dad: from 1976, the Lone Ranger #27, featuring "The Election" and "The Protectors" Written by Paul S. Newman, art by José Delbo.

In the first story, a crooked politician tries to fix Colorado's election, against honest lawyer Len Wylie--nah, the first (and seventh!) governor of Colorado was John Long Routt! Admittedly, that feels like it would've been a pain in the ass to look up in 1976, so we'll move along. The crook had been spying, stealing Wylie's schedule, so he could get there first and rent everything ahead of him. The Lone Ranger, Tonto, and Wylie stage a sting operation: some goons get the schedule, but then catch Tonto watching them. The crook falls for a fake meeting, and the Lone Ranger arrives in time after Tonto misses a meeting. Annoyingly, the Ranger doesn't arrest the crook, saying he'd get his punishment on Election Day, which hopefully didn't backfire on him: "...he's in jail, we've got photographic evidence of his crimes, the Lone Ranger AND Tonto testified against him, and he's still 40 points up in the polls?"

"The Protectors" has the pretty traditional protection/extortion racket, which is on the verge of going under after the Ranger and Tonto stop several of his schemes, and the people have turned against him. So, the extortionist makes a big push: some of his men rob a supply wagon, while others hit the bank. The next day, since the bank owner had been a 'customer' of his, the extortionist makes a big show of reimbursing the bank, out of his own pocket, which of course he does with the bank's own cash. Except, the Lone Ranger had covered the bills with green dye, which was all over the bad guys' hands.

Also this issue: the Incredible Hulk, in a Hostess Cup Cakes ad! Which were from years ago, but still feel too modern to appear in a Lone Ranger comic? Anyway, just looked up, and caught a Lone Ranger fist-fight that also involves them punching each other down a hill. Which just makes me think stuntmen were cheap as heck back then...Also, the Lone Ranger and Tonto just did that thing Batman always does, where somebody's still talking and they're long-gone. Rude. Read more!

I wasn't expecting this, and I tossed the comic away from me like it was a snake.

Come for the Conan, but I'm not sure about the rest. From 2016, Dark Horse Presents #21, featuring "The Swamp King" Story and pencils by Aaron Lopresti, inks by Matt Banning.

This was maybe Dark Horse's third incarnation of this title? The original had run 162 issues from 1986 to 2000, then I read the three years of oversized issues from 2011 to 2014, and this series began 2014 as well. This particular issue was 52 pages, but I don't know if they always were: I bought this from the dollar bin because of the Conan cover, and we get a short where he opts to help a young woman rescue her sister from "the Swamp King," who is a bit more monstery than usual; he kinda looks like Hellboy should be clobbering him. Conan gets betrayed, but he'd gone into that one expecting it and was ready.

The rest of the issue was assorted serials, most of them midway through their stories, but one was starting here: "The Suit: Hostile Takeover" by Dennis Calero. Which opens with the titular Suit interrupting, on horseback, the opening of--the Trump Plaza!? Motherpusbucket--I don't know the character of the Suit, but was the story a period piece? The 'Trump Taj Mahal' opened in 1990 and was closed as such October 10, 2016. Caldero also seems to realize Trump was shifty, he's not portrayed in a flattering light; although I'm not sure he looked even that good back then. Still, I was absolutely not prepared to see him there.

Sorry to close the week on a down note, but in better news, it's my birthday and I'm on vacation! And as usual, the blog will continue to trundle along while I'm out. 

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"Is Superman too woke?" is a ridiculously stupid question that unfortunately dominated certain unsavory aspects of our news media when the new movie came out; but supposedly there was a similar right-wing push in the wake of Thunderbolts*, trying to hype up or redeem USAgent, an alternative to the liberal namby-pamby Captain America. Supposedly, I say: I heard that, but I'm not seeing it in three seconds of searching, and that's about as long as I care to look for right-wing crap. (BTW, Thunderbolts* was pretty good, but I don't think it did very well between backlash against the MCU and that everyone was waiting for the FF.) Of course, all of this is build-up for a book with USAgent next to me, that I hadn't read before, and I bet you haven't either! From 1993, Super Soldiers #3, "Old Acquaintance" Written by Lee Stevens and Michael W. Bennent, pencils by Andrew Currie, inks by Robin Riggs.

This is still another Marvel UK book, and it's weird as heck to see USAgent guest-star rather than Death's Head II: the latter was probably triple-booked, I suppose. Most of this issue is USAgent kicking the tar out of the series lead Hauer, but you pick it up pretty quickly: Hauer had been part of Britain's own Super-Soldier program, but he and his teammates had been betrayed by one of their own, Childs. (We see Childs briefly later in the issue, and I had thought he was another Marvel UK star, Killpower: he's extra buff, above the usual superhero physique.) Rescued from a cryotube by reporter Sarah Wilde, Hauer had been trying to find his lost teammates, and had just found the MIA Dalton in Vietnam, where he had been lost on mission. Dalton had, over time, shaken off the brainwashing he had been put through to keep him obedient, and decided to stay; embracing Buddhism and martial arts to contain the rage swings the Soldiers called "red moods." Dalton also claims to have been experimenting with astral projection; which was probably a seed planted for later issues, but it would be funnier if he was just dissociating really hard...

About then the USAgent arrives, having been ordered to bring in Hauer, and not having any love for the "commies" in Vietnam. Although Hauer offers to talk about it, that doesn't fly with John, and the fight is on. Over the course of the dustup, USAgent starts to maybe realize Hauer was on the level, and he had probably been lied to by Henry Peter Gyrich, but whatever: he'll just beat Hauer down, and sort it out later. This was also during the stretch where John was still talking to his dead parents; which, oddly, Childs knows: he mentions it while badmouthing USAgent to his boss. Although Hauer gets some good hits in--including piercing USAgent's shield with his adamantium knife--John was both stronger, and craftier, catching Hauer with a shield ricochet throw to the back of the skull. But, then USAgent has to fight back his urge to kill, which he does long enough for Childs and his "Squaddies" to show up and immediately go off-mission, murdering any local in their path.

Pretty traditional Marvel-misunderstanding fight, except that USAgent has the wrinkle of "just following orders." He was definitely going to team-up with Hauer next month, and with the bystanders getting shot up Dalton was probably going to get off the bench as well. We might see more issues of this later, but the series only ran eight issues.

I'm know Gruenwald, John Walker's creator, wrote the stories where he lost his parents; but he still spoke with them like they were alive for some time: I don't know if that was intended to build sympathy for a franky unsympathetic character, or if Gruenwald was suggesting the guys that act the hardest crack first... Read more!

"Beans."

I searched, but I don't think there's a Lego kit numbered 5439, although I like where C'hod's head is at.

Death's Head probably wouldn't really know about Cybertron's lost moon, but if anyone was going to...It's also a callback to ToyFare #8, "Clash of the Titans," where Mego Spidey loses a wrestling match--and subsequently, Twisted Toyfare Theatre--to his Famous Covers counterpart, who is about as funny as an uncut block of cheese.  

Anyway, organ grinders! I suppose they don't have to have monkeys, but that feels like decaf coffee or worse; like missing the whole point of the exercise. This may or may not have come up from Bugs Bunny in Hurdy-Gurdy Hare, or this banger of a B-side from Prince:   

I'm usually more hopeful for Star Wars stuff, and Andor was super-great, and I thought the Acolyte was trying to do something interesting, but really just continued the tradition that apparently most Jedis can block laser shots all the live-long day but are utterly useless against an opponent with a lightsaber. I guess I have more faith in Star Wars than in the resurgence of organ grinders? Which feels damning with faint praise, but...

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Over the years, I've blogged several issues of Thor from the stretch before Walt Simonson took over and revitalized the title with Thor #337. The book was facing cancellation, so Marvel, as it sometimes used to, took a chance and gave a creator a lot of leeway to turn it around. Now, between the end of the somewhat long and confused Celestial Saga in #300 and #337, those three years are considered a bit of a fallow period, a low point; although at least a few issues like #309 or #316 were solid superhero meat-and-potatoes reads. I liked them, anyway! Today's book is almost-but-not-quite in the same vein: it might be more running out the clock. From 1985, Action Comics #573, "The Sale of the Century!" Written by Craig Boldman, pencils by Kurt Schaffenberger, inks by Bob Oksner.

There's an ad for Crisis on Infinite Earths #7--that very cover!--this very issue! But that crying Superman feels far more modern, than this very Silver Age-style story. In fact, the villain--or 'villain,' more antagonist, or pain-in-the-ass--this month was originally from the Golden Age: con man J.Wilbur Wolfingham. He was a low-impact threat, more of a challenge: a non-violent grifter, although after years of normalized scams, swindles, and bold-faced lies I can't shake the feeling that Wolfingham should be beaten with a sack of oranges. (I always remember that from Jim Thompson's The Grifters, but it might be from the movie version!) Superman arrives mid-stream here, steamed that Wolfingham and his nephew/trainee Wormwood are the only people left on earth!

Trying to demonstrate the art of the confidence game, Wolfingham thinks he has an easy mark, in the form of a conveniently-appearing alien, who wears a costume reimescient of Colossal Boy's old outfit. (I maintain, that suit was dated when it came out!) Wolfingham pulls the old Brooklyn Bridge scam, and "sells" the alien the planet; but then the alien gives the human race the boot, digitizing them all into a storage cube, and evicting Wolfingham. The alien was going to flip Earth! God, I hate business. After Superman is brought up to speed, when the alien tries to pitch earth to a prospective tenant, Supes queers the deal with an ice cream rain and then a pepper storm: Wolfingham innocently explains, yeah, that sort of thing was always happening here. The alien doesn't buy it: who could live like that? But Wolfingham explains, it wasn't impossible, when you had your own 'genie,' Superman! (OK, the alien really should've recognized Supes there; he was universe-famous at that point!) The alien claims the 'genie,' as part of the larger purchase of earth; then takes off for another possible purchase to flip. Listening in, Superman realizes the alien travelled from world to world, victimizing con men: that way, if there was any blowback from local law, he could claim to be the injured party there.

Superman then stages danger--and stomach-churning rescues--for the alien; who returns to Wolfingham again, who plays it off as he was glad to be rid of the hazardous genie. The alien eventually wheedles Wolfingham into trading back, and takes off, suspecting he had been taken but just glad to be out of it. Everyone on earth is returned, none the wiser, and Superman explains, didn't Wolfingham wonder where the alien got the cash he paid him with? He had picked Wolfingham's pocket! (That seemed like a lot of cash to carry around, even for a grifter! Most people would notice a wheelbarrow full of cash being lifted off their person...) Still, Wolfingham ends up pretty much back where he started...except he still had the papers of ownership for earth.

Not a completely unfun little story, but it felt like it could've been on the racks ten, even twenty years prior to its publication date. And this was ten issues prior to the conclusion of Alan Moore's "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?" in Action #583 and then the John Byrne-reboot era. We looked at Action #571 some years back; and "Sale of the Century!" feels like a better constructed story, which makes me worry this might've been the high point for around then? Also this issue: an insert for Mask, and back-up story "If I Were Superman..." which felt slightly more modern: a street vendor fantasizes about how he would use Superman's powers more creatively, which might put him on the path to selling a new product. (Written by Kevin Juaire and David Campiti, pencils by Alex Saviuk, inks by Eduardo Barreto.) Read more!

The other day we saw a Superman/Batman comic, where Batman goes on and on about not believing in magic, despite having seen it personally about 900 times, and saying that to none other than Zatanna. The whole thing felt like Bats running a smear campaign on himself, to keep himself outta Zatanna's fishnets...seriously, the Spectre, Deadman, Dr. friggin' Fate; Batman's just being a stubborn jerk. Unless he trained under this guy, I suppose. From 1998, Vertigo Visions: Dr. Thirteen, "Do AI's Dream of Electric Sheep?" Written and inked by Matt Howarth, pencils by Michael Avon Oeming; cover by Cliff Nielsen. And, it is some nerve that the cover is "Doctor 13" while the indica is "Dr. Thirteen." Let's not optimize our search in any way, shape, or form...

We saw the good Doctor earlier this year in a Batman appearance, but this was one of a fistful of Vertigo one-shots with pretty decent creative teams trying to put that Vertigo spin on...charitably, also-rans and nobodys. Well, to 'actually' that, I suppose Tomahawk had been a big seller, maybe twenty or thirty years prior. The Phantom Stranger was probably the best known of the lot, and I'm not sure they drove as hard into the paint with him as they could; or as had been done with Swamp Thing or the Doom Patrol. Or, maybe you can't go nuts with the Phantom Stranger, because the mainstream DCU still used him here and there; but Dr. Terrence Thirteen you could probably break and throw away, who would say anything? Also, the Doctor is so unlikable; there would probably be a market for that. This issue opens with him and his long-suffering wife Marie on their way to counseling, because his unwavering commitment to "skeptical rationalism" made him a smug, condescending bastard 24 hours a day. His declaration "I am the sanest man alive!" would be tough to live with, you have to admit.

Meanwhile, a terminally ill, magic-obsessed programmer had created an A.I. version of himself; which was running faster than the real world and getting anxious to acquire more knowledge. The A.I, Desi, makes duplicates of itself to try and get past the local firewalls, but one is corrupted into "Izzy" and plots to conquer the outside world; while the programmer appears to have a conversation with a banshee he booked out as Elvis's ghost. (?) And after making a scene at a "haunted" art gallery that Marie had invested in, the next day Terrence tries to withdraw some cash, and finds Marie had closed him out, and she tells him she was leaving him. Predictably, Terrence is more upset that this would interfere with his quest for truth, but that attracts the attention of Desi, who wants him to stop Izzy. (Terrence also caught a bit of a beating, from mouthing off to some leather-types at the gallery.)

Since he had no interest in money, Terrence finds himself living in a terrible apartment; then sees an old colleague, Dr. Rintelb, pitching a book on skeptical rationalism on an infomercial--only $47 even, with a free brain-shaped ashtray! He storms the TV station the next day, and Rintelb is disturbed to see "a brilliant investigator" now an unshaven wreck, but brings him in on the current phenomenon: recently, numerous old TV shows were transferred from tape to digital. Except, there were strange crossovers, like Lucy and Ethel in "I Dream of Jeannie" or Mr. Ed on Baywatch. Furious, Terrence assumes it was a hoax, a plot against him and the truth, and storms out...as the building seems to distort around him. He ends up in Izzy's office: the rogue AI had taken over the network, and tomorrow the world, and it won't let Dr. Thirteen stop him! Particularly since Dr. Thirteen has no idea what he's on about, and couldn't care less. Still, Izzy had a series of "virtual reality hells" ready for him, which Terrence has trouble with, even though he was told it was VR right up front! Head in the game, man.

Desi tries to help Terrence, who is stuck in his earlier drive with Marie; and the A.I. starts to think he picked the wrong horse. An unlikable horse at that. Desi has to go back to the programmer for help, and he traps Izzy and frees Terrence. Terrence accepts the explanation of virtual realities and AI's as rational, but then lashes out at the programmer for his main job, at the Promethean Agency, which rented out ghosts and supernatural events, presumably created by technology, but exploiting people's belief in lies. And that's when the camera pulls back, showing Terrence in an asylum, delusional and violent; although Marie still loved him there, which might not have even been the case in his own mind. The Desi AI continues the programmer's work, trying to bring magic to the masses and replace technology, and now had Izzy's TV network to work through, after Izzy's download disk is placed on a space probe. Between the VR trips and Thirteen's delusions, I'm not sure how much of the comic was 'real,' although there did appear to still be a Desi, so...

Terrence Thirteen had appeared sporadically in the current DC continuity; but largely now because his daughter Traci was more of a hit. Also, and you see this a lot in old TV shows and such, but why is the default high moral ground "I wouldn't touch your filthy money" and not "you can't be trusted with cash, yoink!" Read more!

There's a splendid example of Dire Wraith-dom on the cover of this one, but mostly I'm struck about how this Avengers roster feels powerful, yet also designed to cause problems in-story: I can almost hear Cap trying to work through it. "We've got four members that can fly, but only one of them can carry anything while flying...and it's the space pervert." (OK, Cap probably never really took to Starfox, but he probably didn't call him that. Probably.) From 1984, the Avengers #244, "And the Rocket's Red Glare!" Written by Roger Stern, pencils by Al Milgrom and Carmine Infantino, inks by Joe Sinnott.

The current Avengers roster was on a little boat trip, but despite the encouragement of Jan and Starfox it wasn't a pleasure cruise: the Dire Wraiths had been sabotaging recent launches at Kennedy Space Center. These were the Wraith "Rocketeers," possibly the last of the science-oriented Wraiths, as the sorcery-types had taken over and wiped out most of the others. The Rocketeers wreck another rocket, then manage to escape as a third-party deploys a mysterious gas that even delays the Vision, who is later furious--furious by synthezoid standards, anyway--at the failure right out of the gate in his chairmanship of the team. (Jan had recently given up the chair, so she seems to be flighty again without that responsibility; although I also figure she does that to Steve on a regular basis: "Good lord, what are you wearing? Take that off, right now. And the pants.")

The Rocketeer-Wraiths realize the Wraith Sisterhood had assisted them, but only in hopes of drawing them out. Still, they were going to stick with their plan, and had wristwatch sensor-jammers to keep them from being detected. That almost works, but the Vision has better eyes than that, and can see them. (From the art, it's unclear if Vision can see the Wraiths' true form, or just a distortion giving them away.) While the Avengers give them the what-for, with Wanda revealing their Wraith-forms; the head scientist/lead Wraith makes a break for it, in a rocket with a cobbled-together FTL drive. Which, one of the Wraiths notices, looked like it was about to explode, and the Wasp was on that rocket...

There was a fun bit in the opening, where Captain Marvel (Monica, still my Captain!) is pretty enthusiastic about being on a boat: she had been harbor patrol before getting powers. Although, in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #16, she also appeared in a very distracting bikini, which she seemed unwilling to do here around Starfox...(Actually, her super-suit might've been the only clothes she had that would change when she did, so...) And, subplots galore, as Hawkeye and Mockingbird arrive on the west coast; and Quicksilver arrives at Bova's cabin, finding it leveled. Read more!

We brought up the Dire Wraiths of ROM fame yesterday, but of course there has yet to be an action figure for those horrible creatures. Unless you use your imagination, in which any figure could be a shape-changed Wraith. (That one's a Skrull, put that back!) There was a pre-Legends, Toy Biz prototype for a Dire Wraith figure shown I believe in ToyFare long, long ago; that may have been intended for the same Silver Surfer wave that had the Meegan, which we've seen a few times. But, for the next few posts we'll check out some Wraith appearances, starting with one not in the GCD: from 1985, Marvel Age #23, cover by Bill Sienkiewicz!

Despite the great Wraith cover, this issue was hyping up "The New Direction" for the title, post ROM #65, which guest-starred about every hero in the Marvel Universe at the time. Actually, then I start looking, and can only think of who wasn't there: the Defenders roster had changed, so no Hulk or Dr. Strange, although Namor gets in there; no Thor but Beta Ray Bill instead; and no Spider-Man since Ditko wouldn't draw him! Anyway, after banishing the Wraiths from earth and all of Wraithworld to Limbo, Rom was free to return to space, and meander around before returning to Galador and the series finale #75.

Most of the art shown was Steve Ditko, although there's also an unused version of the ROM #61 cover by David Mazzucchelli and Terry Austin

There's also a reused photo of the old Rom promotional costume, which I would've guessed hadn't been used in like five years at that point.

Also, Marvel Age doesn't have the series' covers in the GCD, because despite being all about the comics coming out, in itself there wasn't enough comic content by volume to qualify for inclusion. Which is a shame, since some of the covers were pretty good; and there were usually comics from Fred Hembeck every issue!

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"Face."

We're extrapolating a bit, from something I remember from the Earth X/Universe X/Paradise X books: despite there being an infinity of alternate universes, there was maybe only one Hell, and Mephisto was maybe behind the proliferation of alternate universes, in the hopes of finding one where he escaped judgement. The idea of Rom's Limbo being the same across the multiverse was horrifying: imagine every Dire Wraith across the multiverse, dumped into the same hole. Is that a little much; do even the Wraiths deserve that? Forever, with no chance of escape or release? Having spent hundreds of years fighting them, Rom might say they have it coming. (I need to do that re-read, since Rom does make an appearance in those books; Cap gets the neutralizer from him!) 

 We've also hopefully established, Magneto does not seem to care for Rom; and we'll see why later: it's an in-continuity answer, or at least related to continuity?

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