"Meow."

You've probably seen that in dozens of movie trailers: where they take a popular song, slow it down, maybe play it in a minor key, and throw in some reverb to make it creepy. Pretty sure you could do that with the "Meow Mix" tune, even without demonic chanting.

Marc is alluding to the end of Blood Hunt, which...didn't really do anything for me, and while it did bring Moon Knight back, the whole affair seemed largely to set up the next event, One World Under Doom. I'm in no mood for that, I gotta say: Doom might be a goddamn improvement at this point. I'm not even joking, he'd probably be better for women's rights alone. (Everyone is mistreated equally under Doom, but he wouldn't withhold life-saving care for bullcrap reasons.) I swear it feels like Marvel's pulled this like four times, with Norman Osborn or Hydra Cap: here's a horrible fascist state, that's different than the one you're stuck in because...um...I dunno, Arnim Zola?

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This isn't really a horror comic--oh, quit that!

From 1987, the Transformers #31, "Buster Witwicky and the Car Wash of Doom" Written by Bob Budiansky, breakdowns by Don Perlin, finishes by Jim Fern.

If you watch a bunch of old Transformers cartoons in one sitting, most of the episodes in the first two seasons seem to revolve around the Decepticons trying to get some new fuel source: it might seem repetitive, but if you landed on some weird new world, you'd probably spend a lot of time foraging for food too. And that's the start of this issue as well, as the Decepticons hijack an oil tanker. The mission goes smoothly, despite--or perhaps because--of the absence of Megatron and Starscream: the Decepticons were currently under the logic-based command of Shockwave, but he seemed to have to answer to Ratbat. Ratbat might have been a mere cassette, but he was also...an accountant? "Chief Decepticon fuel auditor of Cybertron"--yeah, he's totally an accountant. And Shockwave's leadership was proving as inefficent and wasteful as Megatron's, maybe worse: the tanker had been hijacked, after it had been emptied! Ratbat berates Shockwave, to maybe think outside the box, like exploiting the natives...and if Ratbat doesn't have a British accent, that's totally what I hear for him now. 

Meanwhile, in Portland, Oregon; business was booming at Sparkplug Witwicky's garage, since the addition of a new automated car wash. It's more like a combination car wash/drive-in relaxation spa, and weirdly popular. This was leaving his son, Buster, swamped with work; so much so that he can barely get away when his friend Jessie comes by. He complains about the work and the boredom, but still, Buster had decided he couldn't have adventures with the Autobots anymore, since his dad had had a heart attack and didn't need the stress.

Downtown, tech mogul G.B. Blackrock has a press conference, hyping the massive success of his automated car washes--like Sparkplug's--and presents a new and improved version. Look, there wasn't internet back then, but there had to be something better to do; a super-popular car wash chain should be suspicious as hell. Sure enough, Blackrock is under the control of Ratbat. That night at Sparkplug's, Jessie swings back by, and asks Buster to go through the car wash with her. Buster is being a thick-headed sourpuss until Jessie throws herself at him, but then she suddenly stops, seemingly mesmerized by the flashing lights in the car wash. She tells Buster she has to go, and he decides to follow in his truck. She drives to a Blackrock refinery, seemingly to fill up. Buster flashes his lights at her, to get her attention, breaking the hypnosis; but he's then stopped by Laserbeak! Buster was worried Laserbeak recognized him, but no, it had just been getting him in line. Buster realizes, the cars weren't being gassed up there, they were having their tanks siphoned. And tons of other cars and drivers were in line for the same, including Sparkplug!

As Jessie and Buster watch from a distance, G.B. Blackrock and Ratbat give a presentation, to a hypnotized crowd: look, it's mostly to get the exposition out for our benefit, okay? Ratbat had hypnotized Blackrock, then given him the first "Wash and Roll" unit. Blackrock's corporation then made and distributed more, which hypnotized drivers into delivering their tanks to the Decepticons. But, the hypnosis wore off too quickly; hence, enter the new and improved model! Then those pesky humans would stay hypnotized. Sparkplug's about to be the first victim, so Buster has stop him with his pickup, but is then chased into the car wash by Ratbat. Ratbat sucks the fuel out of Buster's truck, then encourages him to not waste energy struggling, just give up already! Buster fights Ratbat off with a tire iron while avoiding getting hypnotized, until Jessie can save him by coming through the other end of the car wash and backing into Ratbat.

Buster can't gamble on getting Autobot help in time, so he smashes a neon sign with his trusty tire iron, creating a flash that breaks the spell on everyone else. The crowd starts throwing things at Ratbat and Laserbeak, who were far from the biggest Transformers, but I'm still pretty sure they could've murdered everyone there. Still, that would hardly be fuel efficient, so they take off. Freed, G.B. Blackrock makes plans to make amends for the trouble caused--which feels like the least realistic turn of events in this entire comic--and Sparkplug thinks his son could do better than pumping gas. Buster and Jessie have a kiss in the end, which I doubt would've flown on the cartoon, so good for them.

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Not everything that happens three times is terrible, but...

Everything is circling the drain as I write this, sure; but you would be appalled at the litany of profanity I let out the other day, when I found I had three of this issue, and by rule if I buy the same damn comic three times, I have to blog it. From 2019, Heroes in Crisis #6, "Who is Saved?" Written by Tom King, art by Clay Mann and Mitch Gerads. 

 

I didn't read this when it first came out, since opinion seemed pretty divided; and because DC burned me once with Identity Crisis. Short form: Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman have set up Sanctuary, a facility for heroes (and possibly villains) to recover from post-traumatic stress and other psychological problems. I'm not sure it's seen before this series, but doesn't matter, as it's wrecked here, and several heroes are murdered. The victims range from C-listers like Blue Jay or Commander Steel, up to Arsenal and Wally West. Booster Gold and Harley Quinn are the only survivors, or one might be the murderer; and someone has leaked the story to the press. 

 

This issue follows Wally, Harley, and old Teen Titans member/unfrozen cave guy Gnarrk through their therapeutic journeys. That's not really Gnarrk's origin, at least pre-Crisis (on Infinite Earths!) but close enough; and in fact Gnarrk mentions being frozen as he reminisces about life back in the Stone Age, but with a surprising amount of philosophy. (Seriously, Gnarrk's journey is interesting! "In old day, death always there. So Gnarrk worry about death. New day, life always there. So now, Gnarrk worry about life.") Harley wasn't supposed to be there, but had snuck in to be with Poison Ivy; and was maybe making some progress in dealing with Joker-related trauma. And Wally West...after various continuity resets, he was back, but without his wife and kids. All the other heroes, Barry, his friends in the Titans, were overjoyed to see him again; but nobody seemed to notice how much he missed them. (Or at least that's how it seems to Wally in those scenes. Wally's continuity was just a disaster; there were a couple of them for a while, too.)

This issue, by itself? Maybe not bad. But, spoilery discussion after the break.

  OK, you probably already know, and an earlier issue had Booster point out a clue: the murderer was Wally West. He didn't believe the other heroes there were 'real,' or really had problems; it had to just be him, right? He cracks the security on Sanctuary's systems and watches everyone's files, and all of that on top of his existing trauma breaks him. He accidentally kills everyone (except Booster and Harley) at super-speed, then when he realizes what he had done, he stages the crime scene, uses virtual reality to convince Booster and Harley that the other had been the murderer, leaks the documents and leaves the clues and makes arrangements for his past self to kill his future self? Not unlike Identity Crisis, Occam's razor goes right out the window here. 

All of this was seen by a lotta fans as character assassination of Wally; and yeah, probably: King does a good job setting up Wally's distress, not as good a job on the murders/coverup. And because comics, all of it would be walked back, pretty much exactly like Hal Jordan's breakdown was blamed on Parallax: Wally's breakdown would be the fault of Savitar.

While Poison Ivy would be regrown from a rose she gave Harley, all the other heroes killed would be saved later, in Flash #796. (Good, because if my boy Nemesis stayed dead, I would be pissed.) Wally would get his wife and kids back somewhere, too. Which undermines what King had maybe been trying to say about trauma: sometimes, things don't come back. But maybe a superhero comic isn't the best place to say that...or maybe not in that way? Like, superheroes would absolutely have trauma; but how they would have to deal with it would be almost completely unrelated to how regular people have to. Maybe. 

I didn't love the rest of the series, but there are moments? King writes Booster as just dumber than a box of rocks, but he and Beetle are great together. I feel like Harley was there because she was popular, but if you make too much headway towards wellness with her, she's not as Harley as people like, so she gets stuck. Thematically, both Wally and Booster seem like they're trying to keep up a brave face, even in therapy; because they can't seem to articulate "things are messed up and I'm not okay with it" and they think that's what heroes are supposed to do. The confessional style panels are interesting, but some of them just become jokes, like the various Robins wondering where they fit in, or they might be more about what King thinks of the character and other writers or continuity might disagree. It also feels telling that Wonder Woman, Black Canary, and Catwoman are all seen as largely blowing off that style of help. Tom King frustrates me: some moments shine, but the overall experience doesn't. I liked his Omega Men series, but am hesitant to re-read it, since I think it's "here's a bunch of terrible things happening, when they're over no one is helped or better for the experience, now live with it." Admittedly, that feels like the mindset of the moment, but still. 

BTW, I accidentally bought this three times--getting both covers, which doesn't happen every time--but still paid less than cover price.

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I was worried "cave bride" was going to be like a pirates/manatees thing...

There's a Far Side strip, where the bomb-disposal guy Bob might be a little distracted, since his wife just left him...but I wouldn't have expected archaeologists to have the same issue! From 1976, the Twilight Zone #72, cover by George Wilson. (Heritage Auctions had it listed!)

"Cave of the Time-Mists" is gonna be what it says on the tin, isn't it? Archaeologists find a cave probably not seen since the stone age, but with an anachronistic cave painting of a modern-looking man with a gun. Dr. Ron Sheppard's girl had recently left him, so he doesn't feel like he has anything to lose and presses deeper into the cavern, and of course finds the mists that send him back to the stone age, where he's forced to shoot a caveman to keep him from accosting a cave girl. Sheppard intends to take the girl back to the present, but they encounter a cave bear, and he causes a cave-in shooting it. He makes a home in the past, giving the cave girl his ring; and his fellow archaeologists find their bones (and his gun!) in the cave, thousands of years later. I'm not sure if Sheppard did the painting himself, but why didn't he paint a note for the future? "Dear guys: I miss TV. Oh God, how I miss TV." (Art by Bill Ziegler.)

"Your Daily Horror-Scope," is a shaggy dog number, as a man has repeated events seemingly predicted by his horoscope; so he goes down to the newspaper to see if he can get answers. Sure, he does, but they suck. (Art by Jack Sparling.) So, let's go on to "Sorry, the President Cannot See You Today." Marlin is an ambitious schemer, climbing his way up the business ladder at Zorn Aircraft; although he only gets meetings with President Seaton's secretary Karlovian. Through blackmail, sabotage, and murder; Marlin keeps climbing, which doesn't seem to do Zorn Aircraft any harm. Seaton eventually retires, and Marlin takes the top spot, with Karlovian still his loyal secretary, there to "protect" him from meetings and callers. By locking him in a dark, windowless "executive suite," presumably to die. Honestly, that's a pretty good racket! Run the show behind the scenes, with the president as a front you could replace as needed. (Art by Jack Sparling.) Read more!

This isn't really a horror comic, but...wait, am I still doing that bit?

It does feature Marvel trying to add a woman to Spidey's rogues' gallery, but is it weird that whenever they give that a shot, they usually draw from horror? Voodoo priestess, goth girlfriend, and today vampire? I felt like there were more, or maybe more one-shot ones that didn't catch on, like Spidey's fought a werewolf-girl or a Bride of Frankenstein type. Anyway, from 1993, Spectacular Spider-Man Annual #13. Written by J. M. DeMatteis, art by Jerry Bingham.

We saw another Nocturne some time back, but this one was Detective Angela Cairn: her partner had been killed by Vermin (and 'partner' is left open to interpretation there, it very likely was a same-sex relationship at a point where Marvel would've still been uncomfortable outright saying that) and she had thrown herself into her work. On the trail of what the papers were calling the "Mutilation Killer" she gets captured by a creepy mutate that isn't even given a name but seems like an Igor-type, and gets a torturous treatment in Baron Zemo's machine that had created Vermin. Angela seemingly dies, and her body is thrown in the river, but she arises, reborn with big bat-like wings.

Meanwhile, it looks like Spider-Man's in deep, surrounded by mutates; but they're actually happy to see him: they were receiving treatment from Dr. Kafka. Vermin had been restored, to a young man named Edward; but Kafka was worried his cure might not work on the other mutates. Edward tells Spidey that Vermin was "dead and buried" but Spidey isn't sure he believes that: the Lizard alone had been "gone forever" about 40 times at that point. He had stopped by, to see if his spider-sense went off indicating Edward was involved with the Mutilation Killer, but nothing. Nocturne flies past him, triggering waves of conflicting emotions, but she opts to return to her apartment and see what she's become. She discovers, she seems to have no voice, and flies out her window in a panicked rage. Spidey sees that, time for the traditional fight! As usual, Spidey never makes a great showing the first round, but he tags Nocturne with a spider-tracer.

Nocturne returns to the Mutilation Killer's lab, and the mutate tells her to throw off the shackles of her old life, changing her shape to Angela's old form as she does. (Angela realizes that was how the mutate had taken its victims; they would've fled screaming otherwise.) Spidey of course arrives in time to find a winged terror killing 'Angela,' but Nocturne is able to verify her identity with a blast of emotions. The mutate reverts back, and Nocturne refrains from killing her, then declines treatment, instead wanting to see what she would become. Huh, I really thought she was going to be a vampire-villain going forward, but maybe not. Unfortunately, Nocturne hasn't had a lot of appearances since, but she did appear at a Pride event in Marvel's Voices #1.

Also this issue: a solo Nocturne story, then a Black Crow/D'spayre story! ("In Your Eyes" Plot by J.M. DeMatteis and Marv Levine, script by DeMatteis, pencils by M.C. Wyman, inks by "Company" but it's pretty obviously Bill Sienkiewicz!) Then, a Prowler story with John Romita Sr. art, guest-starring the former Sons of the Tiger. Read more!

"Face."

I seriously don't recall if Moon Knight could use his ankh for anything, or if Sat and Kurt are right and I'm thinking Thundercats. I do think he could use it like a crucifix against vampires maybe? Can he use it for exorcisms? "The power of Khonshu compels you! THE POWER OF KHONSHU COMPELS YOU!" Read more!

I suggest reading this, then logging off for the day?

This wasn't my favorite issue--the book was hitting solid at the time--but there's a moment this issue that stuck with me and might be important today. From 1982, Star Wars #58, "Sundown!" Plot and script by David Michelinie, plot and pencils by Walter Simonson, inks by Tom Palmer.

While Chewbacca, Luke, and Lando head for their adventure on Bazaar, Princess Leia was readying a dangerous plan to hide the Rebel fleet from Imperial patrols, by hiding it in that system's sun! It's a rather Star Trek plan if you ask me, and hey, it uses "Kerts-Bhrg field generators" for the shields--Kurtzberg, after Jack Kirby!

While dramatic, the insertion goes without a hitch, and most of the Rebel personnel make their way to the specialized shuttle to head back to base, leaving a smaller maintenance crew behind. Threepio scolds Artoo to hurry, or if they miss the shuttle, they would be stuck there for a weeklong shift, but Artoo dawdles, checking something, and finding a fault in an absorption circuit, that was about to explode! Oh, and the shuttle just left, and burning circuitry created noxious fumes, knocking out the maintenance crew!

Threepio gets communications out to Leia on the shuttle, which just barely made it through: the force-field protecting the fleet was fluctuating, and TIE Fighters had just entered the system...c'mon, those aren't long-range ships! That's from the first movie! But, Artoo has a plan, and it's a doozy: run a cable from one of the Rebel ships, out to the force-field generators, to keep it going. He and Threepio have to make a spacewalk, with Threepio wearing a jetpack, and Artoo wrapped in a reflective blanket with an eyehole poked in it. (Threepio's gold coating apparently protected him from the heat!) This hits a snag pretty quickly, when the temperature's hot enough to melt the jetpack, and their momentum was going to carry them out of the force field, into the sun!

After the TIE Fighters leave the system, Leia's shuttle had managed to get their heat shields back up for another trip into the sun, but by computer calculations, the fleet would've already been destroyed, thirty seconds ago. (That also feels more Trek than Wars.) For maybe five seconds, it seems like this was going to break Leia: while they wouldn't have lost a lot of people, without those ships, the Rebel Alliance would have largely been whatever they had in their pockets at the time. Well, if that's where we have to start, that's what we'll do...but of course, things weren't as bleak as all that: Artoo had used his fire extinguisher as an emergency propellent, which got them to make the connection in time. But, that scene still sticks with me: even at the absolute worst-case scenario, you still can't quit. Keep fighting until you can't.

Also this issue, along with the start of the fun Bazaar plot, we also see smoking hot Rebel pilot/possible love interest for Luke, Shira Brie, a couple times; and she makes a strangely "oh no! Anyway..." tinged remark at the news of the possible destruction of the fleet. It'll make sense later! Read more!

I hate when I do this; I feel like Homer after the fish restaurant...

I've mentioned before, I usually end up with like a short box full of cheap comics every toy show, but, it's been crazy rainy, so there might have been some reluctance to drag long boxes for me to paw through. I did hit, um, two comic shops after the show; but didn't get the massive pile I'm used to. I kinda felt like I needed to stock up a bit, since it could be a stretch before any other big opportunities. (I did get a stretch of Man With No Name comics for my dad: I think he enjoyed the stack of Lone Ranger books I got him; if he was just being polite, well...)

I had also hit up EntertainMart last Friday, but only got trades for Fanboy and Punisher MAX: Girls in White Dresses. I scanned the cover of the latter, since it wasn't in the GCD; but that was the first storyline post-Garth Ennis. Still, it wasn't bad! There were some bits that were appropriately dark, the bad guys are horrible, Frank is suitably tormented; and the return of one of Frank's main recurring villains that I don't think had appeared in the MAX series before. (Frank has like two recurring villains; I know you can guess!)

But, we did get some toys at said toy show! The other day, we saw Hallow's Eve with a Batman mask: that mask was from the DC Direct Batman: The Animated Series Creeper; and I picked up another in package. Haven't decided on opening him yet, since he broke before, and I know McFarlane has a new one coming...that won't have accessories. I also got an Amazon-exclusive, green-shirt Captain Kirk with chair: the package was pretty beat, but worth grabbing for me. And remember when I said I probably wouldn't be completing Blackheart? Show of hands, who knew I probably would? I got Lilith and Castlevania--I mean, Dracula; so I just had to order the other two to finish him. I've never had a Blackheart, so that'll be something. Oh, and I got another Guardsman and Sharon Carter from EntertainMart: the Sharon's I swap heads for, to build a little S.H.I.E.L.D. crew; and that's five Guardsmen now. Also, while I was driving home from EntertainMart; this song from Linda Scott came on from my flash drive of music. I have absolutely no idea where I got it from...it is catchy, though. Ah, thank you, YouTube comments...is not a sentence I use very often; but that song was used in David Lynch's Mulholland Dr. Probably before something just awful happens, but still.    Read more!

Look, I still had one in the pile!

"One," he says. Ha! From 1973, the Twilight Zone #53, cover by George Wilson.

"The Yesterday Window" would probably have made a middling episode: a G.I. returns from Vietnam, but doesn't want peace and quiet, he wants to live in Greenwich Village! He gets a crummy attic apartment, but that's fine; he wants to paint, and that seemed like the place to do it. Then he has bizarrely vivid dreams about New Amsterdam (why they changed it I can't say) and finds a walled-off window that seems to look into the distant past there. Of course there's a pretty girl there, trying to talk her father out of sailing on a ship the G.I. knows is going to be lost; so he has to go back to help, which involves committing suicide in the present out the boarded-up window. But because this is an older Twilight Zone, he still gets a happy ending. (Art by Frank Bolle.)

"The Manuscript" is a period piece, where a hard-working doctor is killed before he can finish his life's work, so his wife picks up the ball, working herself to death to finish it, with his help. Uh...yay? "Time on His Hands" is far more fun, and could've made a memorable episode with the right casting: an officious efficiency expert is making everyone miserable at a factory, until he receives a handwritten note to "leave our section out of your survey." He traces the note back to the oldest section of the factory, where he finds a secluded, private section of cheerful, lackadaisical screwballs; who seem to work on their own schedules, with their own systems, and their own side projects. Also, there doesn't seem to be any exits, which doesn't seem to bother them? Maybe they're better workers than anyone would give them credit for. Still, not a good time for the efficiency expert, who is almost physically ill dealing with them. (Art by Jack Sparling.)

Finally the cover story, "Telephone from the Tomb," with art by Al Williamson. This features a type of character that might be somewhat unfamiliar to modern readers, a gossip columnist: Ramona Powers had been the power behind the throne in Hollywood, able to make or break young wannabes with a mere phone call. And her calls had continued after her death! She had actually had a phone line installed in her tomb and prepaid like a hundred years of service; which should be a hilarious parting shot, but an actor keeps getting calls from her. A private investigator works the case, which seems to point to Ramona's secretary; but there's more to it than that.

Man, that guy would stroke out in my house...For some reason, I hear "Inefficiency! RAMPANT INEFFICIENCY!" in a Dalek's voice. Read more!