Superman #309: Supermutant in space!

Last time, in Superman #308...I have no idea. Still don't have that one to this day, sorry. But Superman #309 I've had since I was like 5, and I'm so lucky I had this one--"The Climax to a Thrill-packed epic"; instead of say, #307, the start of this little well, epic. Gerry Conway writes, Jose Luis Garcia Lopez and Frank Springer on art for "Blind Hero's Bluff!"

Superman starts the story by smashing through a wall to take on a crime syndicate armed with bazookas and flamethrowers and skintight uniforms that look like leftovers from a S.H.I.E.L.D. yardsale. (Yes, that's a Marvel reference, and I typed all those periods, so appreciate it!) The mobsters had been preparing for war with a rival syndicate named SKULL, but instead they end up hauled off to jail on the third page. The rather ungrateful police chief is surprised Superman would bother with "the small details" of a "crime-problem." Yeah, I'm sure the cops under your command were jumping up and down to fight an army of hardened criminals with crateloads of artillery. Probably cursing Supes right now for stealing their thunder, I'm sure.

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Over the years, I've blogged several issues of Thor from the stretch before Walt Simonson took over and revitalized the title with Thor #337. The book was facing cancellation, so Marvel, as it sometimes used to, took a chance and gave a creator a lot of leeway to turn it around. Now, between the end of the somewhat long and confused Celestial Saga in #300 and #337, those three years are considered a bit of a fallow period, a low point; although at least a few issues like #309 or #316 were solid superhero meat-and-potatoes reads. I liked them, anyway! Today's book is almost-but-not-quite in the same vein: it might be more running out the clock. From 1985, Action Comics #573, "The Sale of the Century!" Written by Craig Boldman, pencils by Kurt Schaffenberger, inks by Bob Oksner.

There's an ad for Crisis on Infinite Earths #7--that very cover!--this very issue! But that crying Superman feels far more modern, than this very Silver Age-style story. In fact, the villain--or 'villain,' more antagonist, or pain-in-the-ass--this month was originally from the Golden Age: con man J.Wilbur Wolfingham. He was a low-impact threat, more of a challenge: a non-violent grifter, although after years of normalized scams, swindles, and bold-faced lies I can't shake the feeling that Wolfingham should be beaten with a sack of oranges. (I always remember that from Jim Thompson's The Grifters, but it might be from the movie version!) Superman arrives mid-stream here, steamed that Wolfingham and his nephew/trainee Wormwood are the only people left on earth!

Trying to demonstrate the art of the confidence game, Wolfingham thinks he has an easy mark, in the form of a conveniently-appearing alien, who wears a costume reimescient of Colossal Boy's old outfit. (I maintain, that suit was dated when it came out!) Wolfingham pulls the old Brooklyn Bridge scam, and "sells" the alien the planet; but then the alien gives the human race the boot, digitizing them all into a storage cube, and evicting Wolfingham. The alien was going to flip Earth! God, I hate business. After Superman is brought up to speed, when the alien tries to pitch earth to a prospective tenant, Supes queers the deal with an ice cream rain and then a pepper storm: Wolfingham innocently explains, yeah, that sort of thing was always happening here. The alien doesn't buy it: who could live like that? But Wolfingham explains, it wasn't impossible, when you had your own 'genie,' Superman! (OK, the alien really should've recognized Supes there; he was universe-famous at that point!) The alien claims the 'genie,' as part of the larger purchase of earth; then takes off for another possible purchase to flip. Listening in, Superman realizes the alien travelled from world to world, victimizing con men: that way, if there was any blowback from local law, he could claim to be the injured party there.

Superman then stages danger--and stomach-churning rescues--for the alien; who returns to Wolfingham again, who plays it off as he was glad to be rid of the hazardous genie. The alien eventually wheedles Wolfingham into trading back, and takes off, suspecting he had been taken but just glad to be out of it. Everyone on earth is returned, none the wiser, and Superman explains, didn't Wolfingham wonder where the alien got the cash he paid him with? He had picked Wolfingham's pocket! (That seemed like a lot of cash to carry around, even for a grifter! Most people would notice a wheelbarrow full of cash being lifted off their person...) Still, Wolfingham ends up pretty much back where he started...except he still had the papers of ownership for earth.

Not a completely unfun little story, but it felt like it could've been on the racks ten, even twenty years prior to its publication date. And this was ten issues prior to the conclusion of Alan Moore's "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?" in Action #583 and then the John Byrne-reboot era. We looked at Action #571 some years back; and "Sale of the Century!" feels like a better constructed story, which makes me worry this might've been the high point for around then? Also this issue: an insert for Mask, and back-up story "If I Were Superman..." which felt slightly more modern: a street vendor fantasizes about how he would use Superman's powers more creatively, which might put him on the path to selling a new product. (Written by Kevin Juaire and David Campiti, pencils by Alex Saviuk, inks by Eduardo Barreto.) Read more!

Wow, that's good crazy. I have an assload of toys, but even at the pinnacle of my drinking, I've never thought that they were a living, functioning society. (They're a dysfunctional anarchy at best.) Supes kind of freaks out a bit after Kara smashes his toy/millions of people, then the Protector attacks again. Y'know, although I was badmouthing him, it does take some stones to take the fight into Superman's living room. Kara leaves Supes to it, and Superman surmises that she wants to see if he can cope with the revelation. I think Kara just had better things to do that afternoon than wrestle with Captain Nobody. Supes pulls it together enough to beat the Protector, but wonders if he'll ever be all right again...to be continued!

I didn't get Superman #307 until I was in my thirties, I think. Late twenties at least. #309 I've had since I was a kid, and my original copy is still somewhere. The "Clark is a mutant, there's no such thing as Krypton" plot seems pretty heavy to hang on those timelost 70's kids, especially since distribution and purchasing were both kind of a crapshoot back then. Back then comics were usually sold at grocery stores and such, and I don't think the pull box was even someone's bright idea yet. Plus, speaking for myself, I had to convince my mom to buy comics for me, and while my Mom is awesome, it wasn't always a sure thing. I can't imagine getting #307 as a kid and missing #309, the issue that wraps this up.

I can see my seven-year old self thinking "Shit, Superman's a mutant? But what about the Phantom Zone criminals and Dev-Em and that giant monkey guy and Kryptonite? Dear Rao, what about the kryptonite?!" And then I'd look all furrow-browed and sad, and Mom would send me to bed early. Anyway, I still don't have #308, but I don't think it matters in this case, and we'll hit #309 tomorrow. Oh, you only have to wait a day, ya big baby...

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Superman #309 is one of the earliest comics I can remember reading; so I was thrilled to get this one that looks and seems to read like it could've been the very next issue, not three years later! From 1980, Superman #347, "The Sleeper Out of Time!" Written by Gerry Conway, art by José Luis García-López.

The "bad guy" this month isn't; it's an alien courier, that had been delivering a peace treaty, but had crashed on earth. While that's what gets the cover and all, it still feels secondary to other things going on; like Lois Lane going after Superman perhaps more "fragrantly" than usual; although she does still bail on their date to try and get the story to the Planet. She's not thrilled to be scooped by Clark, and while he seemed to antagonize her there, he seems concerned that their rivalry seemed to be getting more intense. The Planet drama barely misses a beat from #309, too.

Sadly, this was about JLGL's last on this title: he would appear on the Mr. Mxyzptlk back-up in #351, though. Read more!

With both X3 and Superman Returns out this summer, now would be a good time to blog about comics tying the two franchises together, right? But what could possibly unite those horrible mutants and the fabled Last Son of Krypton? How about if Superman wasn't from Krypton at all, but was actually...wait for it...a mutant! From Superman #307, Jan 1977; and #309, March 1977. Writen by Jerry Conway, art by Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez and Frank Springer.

#307, despite the shocking (and well done by Neal Adams) cover, starts out innocently enough: Clark's having a lot of self-doubt about being an alien among men, and an orphan who's adopted planet isn't taking care of itself. Hitting on the pollution issue of the times, Superman decides to start moving oil tankers around to reduce spills. And by moving them around, I mean he intends to throw them into orbit. (Of course, there were kid's toys on Krypton that could probably power the western hemisphere, but this seems like a better use of your time, Clark.)

This brings up our villain, the frankly forgettable Protector, whom I mention only because he was apparently powered by pollution. I suppose he didn't need to worry too much about Superman cleaning up the planet, but why take chances? Still, I'm not sure Protector ever appeared again, so maybe Supes did clean up the planet. Anyway, he's so lame he doesn't even get on the cover. I think the writer had the story laid out and needed a villain; but didn't want to waste Toyman or Metallo on a b-plot. Protector's a mixed bag: he charges in to prevent Superman's grand theft oil tanker, but declares, "I told you to leave the polluting industries alone!" See, that's the sort of thing that comes back to haunt you in your next parole hearing.

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