Neat cover, but maybe save that for when you don't have a good villain?

I read this back when it came out, and I appreciate the difficulties in creating a viable love interest for Cap, but the cover notwithstanding, this doesn't feel like the way to do it. From 2001, Captain America #44, "Conclusions" Story and pencils by Dan Jurgens, inks by Bob Layton.

So, not only do I not recall what happened the previous issue, I also would've lost this bet: I thought Jurgens had created Connie Ferrari, but no, she was from Mark Waid and Andy Kubert in Cap #15. Jurgens usually glammed her up, though: even in something she obviously threw on running out the door and with a suburban-mom short haircut, he always drew her as really pretty...and leggy; she and Cap have the longest legs in the splash page! But, Connie has just finally found out, her boyfriend was really Captain America, and she's not thrilled with the revelation: she was a defense attorney, and Cap had testified against one of her clients. Also, her brother had been believed dead but was now back...after trying to murder Nick Fury and Cap. Cap really wants to table the discussion, since he's not comfortable talking about his secret identity in a police station; which doesn't score him any points. Connie is crying her eyes out and puts together that Cap's ex Sharon both knew, and was an ex and not just a friend; so when cops attack them most people would probably be grateful, but Cap's too wholesome and professional for that.

The cops are pretty obviously fakes, but the side of the building is blown up, and Connie and Cap are snared by Doc Ock-knockoff tentacle-cables from a hovercraft. (Connie screams out "STEEEEEVE!" as they fall; she was not handling it well.) Cap knows somebody wants him, as a monologue starts up over loudspeakers; and throws his shield to free Connie, but is pulled inside the hovercraft before he can catch the rebound! Connie is left, in a suspiciously deserted street, with Cap's shield; and no idea who she could trust then. But, Cap doesn't have to wait long, as he's taken to face the mastermind behind this--Taskmaster! Wait, really?

This was back before Taskmaster got...kind of overplayed? Or, rather, used somewhat inconsistently. Here he was maybe a year out from his Udon update in Deadpool #68, and was still in his training goons for big bucks days. Tasky tells Cap, "when the hired help can't make the grade, the boss has to work the cash register!" He wanted back at the Avengers for their operations against his schools, and let's be honest: it's not like he was gonna pick a fight with Thor or Iron Man, right? With Cap shieldless, Tasky's pretty confident; while Connie narrates and feels petty for resenting every time Steve had been late because of what she now realizes was Cap-stuff. But, she also realizes Cap's always going to put the greater good...over her. That's kind of harsh, but you know what? It's fair: Connie knows she "can't be in a relationship where my needs are always secondary."

Cap is on the ropes, until he remembers a trick Taskmaster wouldn't have seen and thus couldn't imitate: Cap still had his photonic shield, the replacement from earlier this series. Cap knocks him off a bridge, but Tasky manages to take Cap with him--which, from the layouts, shouldn't have worked, but okay. Separated, the fight's over; and Cap returns to Connie's apartment, to find his shield, and a note: Cap knows it's a 'Dear John' letter from across the room, he's seen too many during the war! An interesting layout choice, there: the note and shield were on Connie's coffee table when he comes in, then Cap has the shield next to him while he sits and reads the note. Like the shield's there for him, at least. Also, Connie must write quick, Cap really wasn't gone that long.

"Connie's gone. And she's never coming back." Well, not to Cap, anyway; she would appear in Great Lakes Avengers #1, although she seemed to get...what's the opposite of a makeover there? Like, de-glammed. Diamondback was my favorite of Cap's love interests, although Bernie Rosenthal had character, much more than poor Connie. Also, for some reason, the fact that she was a defense lawyer was used to create friction, like Cap didn't care for her defending guys he knew were bad, due process or not. I kinda don't love "Connie Ferrari" as a name, that sounds like somebody's fake girlfriend from Canada. (Is Ferrari a common last name? Was Dolores Lamborghini taken?) Also, I didn't like the way Cap won: Tasky couldn't possibly take Cap. He's in good, fighting shape, compared to about anybody else; but Cap would've been able to outlast him. Read more!

"Reading."

Boy, you get a lot of villains together, and the color scheme does weird things. There are also like three Hobgoblins in there, partly because I have three Hobgoblins, but I've also lost track on who the current Hobgoblin is in regular Marvel continuity. Honestly, I think if you find the Hobgoblin suit, you're obligated to put it on, fly around a bit, probably give Spidey the hassle. Ditto Jack O'Lantern, I think there's two of him in there...
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"The End" Week: Agent X #15!

Although it was rumored that Deadpool was changed to Agent X in an attempt to avoid paying royalties to Rob Liefeld, Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed debunked that one some time ago. Still, this was a cancellation that hurt at the time, and still stings a little now.

That said, this issue isn't quite as good as Gail Simone's previous two chapters in the conclusion of Agent X; since the preceding issues had the brain-dead (literally, at that time) Deadpool rediscovering his "winkie," his doppleganger Agent X first blowing Pool's brains out before trying to beat him to death, and a spirited discussion about magazines for dogs.

The conclusion is all Agent X and his crew, including Taskmaster, and Deadpool; in a final shoot-out against the telepathic assassin Black Swan. No, not Natalie Portman...although, I probably would've paid cash money for that.

In the end, Agent X is if not himself, content with being "a corpse kept alive with a stolen healing factor." Although this issue features one of his most iconic panels, Deadpool is a little more nonsensical than usual here. (Of course, he seems relatively stable, compared to how he seems to be written now...) That could be because he just came back from the dead, or I suspect Simone may have actually been a little out of practice writing Wade: she does a better job on the rest of the cast.

Deadpool would go on to Cable & Deadpool, and Agent X would eventually make a couple of guest appearances there. I don't think writer Fabian Nicieza liked Agent X that much, though; since under his pen X would have his DNA altered by A.I.M. and end up with arthritis and chronic obesity...a shame, since I liked having him around as the Player 2 version of Deadpool.

From Agent X #15, "Deadpool Walkin', part three: A Means to an End" Gail Simone, 'eulogizer.' Alvin Lee and Udon, 'embalming artists.' Cory Petit, 'floral arrangements.'
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Why DD and Tasky are no longer on speaking terms:

I mentioned this one the other day or so when mentioning Taskmaster, then scanned it, then didn't load it, then finally wrote this, then had a scan upside down. See?
Here's the right-side-up one, from Daredevil #318.

Like the cover says, it's the last issue...until #319. Ha, ha, ha. The book seemed to have been floundering for a bit, with a stretch of fill-ins or single-issue stories, a forgettable crossover with Punisher and Nomad...wait, strike that: I said "forgettable," but there is a shot where Daredevil gives Bucky--an infant that Nomad carried on his back, if you recall--gives Bucky a bottle. Not a baby bottle, like a beer bottle. DD then gets Nomad to turn around real quick, and a baby breaks a bottle over thug's head. Why? Just to be a dick, apparently. But, technically speaking, I guess there's at least two memorable panels in there, then.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Daredevil, floundering. Marvel was just about to start a new storyline that would change everything for the Man Without Fear, for a while, anyway: new armor costume, new secret identity, new status quo. Didn't take, but even so, before they started all that business; they decided to have one fun story first.

Unfortunately, A. It's not that funny, and B. Daredevil hadn't had a fun issue in, I'm guessing, well over a hundred. Maybe two. I'm trying to remember if Ann Nocenti ever did a full-on, "funny" issue of DD, and I don't think she did...more after the bump!


It's a mob heist macguffin story: a low-level mob schmoe strongarms for himself a "nest egg" in stolen grease. Yeah, like that Simpsons episode, although I think this issue predates it. Some mob thugs go hunting for the lost "treasure," followed by longtime dweeb villain the Stilt-Man, lunatic Spider-Woman foe the Tatterdemalion; fourth-string DD thugs the Wildboyz, Spit and Jet; and the Taskmaster. Tasky may be the only one of the lot whose street cred didn't hemorrhage and die after this issue...

I didn't have the prior issue, at hand, anyway (EDIT: no, I don't think I ever had #317.); so I forget why exactly Tasky is in on the hunt. Sure, it's a million dollars worth, but a million dollars worth of grease. Dry-cleaning his cape alone is going to eat a lot of that. At any rate, although he had appeared a few times in the book over the last year or two, this would be Taskmaster's last showing in Daredevil. He doesn't go out on a high note, but by this point DD so had Tasky's number: while Taskmaster can easily duplicate all of Daredevil's moves, DD's radar sense also gives him much more awareness of his surroundings. In an earlier issue, DD taunts Tasky into copying a flying back flip, which Tasky does, landing in front of a moving truck.

Jet and Spit were from Ann Nocenti's run, where they were despicable, scary lowlifes. This time, they're purely comic relief lowlifes, like the Dreadnoks from G.I. Joe. This may have been the Wildboyz last appearance, but in their prior showing, they put the finishing touches on a savage beating on Daredevil, that had been organized by Typhoid Mary. Nope, here they're a laughing-stock: getting beat up by Power Pack would have been more credible.

Stilt-Man doesn't need any more abuse heaped onto him, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention Tatterdemalion. (He's the unconscious guy in the red scarf above, but that isn't even a particularly embarrassing moment for him.) Among other things, his Wikipedia entry mentions that he was "among the supervillains who were apprehended and given a choice between jail or assisting the Thunderbolts." Now, "supervillains" isn't really the right term: a former investor who went insane after being swindled out of all his money, in this issue, Tatterdemalion rambles on about poverty being next to godliness, or something. He's a homeless guy, with special gloves that allow him to dissolve items like paper money or clothing: "filthy material goods." Oh, and apparently, "Tatterdemalion's body was supernaturally augmented by Satannish to levels roughly equaling that of Captain America. This entails that his strength, endurance, speed, reflexes, and stamina are all roughly as developed as they could possibly be for human being. This means that the Tatterdemalion is stronger and faster moving than any Olympic athlete. However, he is still homeless and insane."

That is so awesome. Tatterdemalion should be a required character in any and all Marvel videogames. "Why did my costume melt? And how is this hobo kicking my ass?" I guess he appeared in Werewolf by Night a few times, but I'm almost positive he appeared in Spider-Woman at some point; one assumes to attempt to destroy her costume...

For his part, Daredevil fights the whole lot of them, but not only doesn't seem to be putting his all into it, he actively helps them find it at one point. Presumably, it's to keep tabs on those idiots so they don't hurt themselves or anyone else; and to make sure they get their comeuppance. And they do! Still, maybe DD should've looked into keeping that shield after all...

All scans from "Grease Monkeys" Written by D. G. Chichester, pencils by Scott McDaniel, inks by Bud La Rosa. Chichester would do much better work for DD, including the last issue before Kevin Smith's run, #380. That one isn't even a "funny" issue, but has more jokes than "Grease Monkeys."


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"Taskpool, part five."

Although he seemed pretty canny in his initial appearance as a criminal trainer, I still get the impression that Taskmaster may not be a rocket scientist. He's a bit too impressed with his copied skills, and I always think back to his appearances in 90's Daredevil comics. In one, a stymied Tasky resorts to mediation, which seems like it would just be him imitating the poses and not exactly achieving inner peace.

Oh, yeah, Wolverine: Origins is out today! I don't know if I'll go right away, but we'll see.

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"Taskpool, part four."

Although he memorably does it in the second issue of his first limited series--"Sort of a tail gunner, as it were..."--you don't see Nightcrawler fence with his tail very often. Probably because the writers think it's a bit silly, or maybe Kurt's just afraid of getting it cut off.

Tasky can copy a lot of abilities, but per his wikipedia entry, he can watch kung-fu movies in fast-forward, then duplicate the moves at super-speed for brief periods. Yeah, I have to call bull on that. I wonder what comic that was from, but I would say Taskmaster can only duplicate skills up to his own physical ability. Tasky's in pretty good shape, but if he's copying Spider-Man's moves, he still can't make a twenty-foot vertical jump.

In Agent X, Taskmaster mentions watching a lot of Nascar to pick up the driving skills, and that probably wouldn't work either: he'd be watching a car, not the driver, most of the time. Of course, in the last issue, he admits to watching soap operas and romantic comedies, to try and win back Sandi. That might just be a line, but it's not bad.


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"Taskpool, part three."

Two today!

Crap. Of course, this was written before Bea Arthur's passing, so our condolences to her family and fans.

I do have to wonder how many bad habits Taskmaster has picked up with those photographic reflexes.

Oddly, to date, I have never heard Deadpool's voice. Sure, I know what Ryan Reynolds sounds like from other movies, but I haven't seen the clips where he talks yet! Nor have I heard Pool in Marvel Ultimate Alliance: I just started slogging through the first X-Men Legends again. I guess I haven't seen his appearance in the animated Hulk vs. Wolverine either...

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"Taskpool, part two."

Deadpool is like Poochie this week, in the sense that whenever he's not around, everyone should be asking, "Where's Deadpool?"

Pool's healing factor varies, depending on the writer. At the start of his first regular series, Joe Kelly ramped it down to the point that Wade had trouble regrowing a finger (that Taskmaster had chopped off, actually!) and then he lost the ability to regrow appendages at all. In Christopher Priest's run, Deadpool was reduced to snot, basically, and had to wear a containment suit to maintain himself...for like one issue. That was never brought up again, and may well be written off to Loki jerking Wade's chain. Under Gail Simone, the healing factor was pretty strong, until the Black Swan messed with it. In Cable/Deadpool, towards the end of the book, with writer Fabian Nicieza, Wolverine decapitated Deadpool--Bob helps put his head back.

In the current series, I think Deadpool has, possibly more than once, been wrecked up to the point where he needs to go lie down for a while; which strikes me as a callback to old detective stories or Conan: if the writer needs to change the scene, the main character gets hit on the head with a blackjack. Or, in Deadpool's case, shot the hell up.

The point is, Pool's healing factor can be however strong the writer wants, and they can justify in story, or not. And not unlike Roger Rabbit, if it's funny, Deadpool can walk off grievous injuries that would crush him in a serious situation. Kelly turned the healing factor down by irradiating Pool (gamma, I believe) but Priest had a great scene with Pool lowering his head into a nuclear reactor in an attempt to burn Tom Cruise's face off his head. (Goddamn, I love comics.)

Personally, I treat Deadpool's healing factor as ludicrously strong, able to regrow limbs or reattach skulls; but only if Pool's had a good breakfast. Most important meal of the day, people. Shouldn't have go back over this. (Stolen from Xombi, still one of the comics I miss most.)


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"Taskpool, part 1"

Taskmaster recently appeared in the Deadpool/Thunderbolts crossover "Magnum Opus," and coincidentally, was disguised as Deadpool there! It also continues a proud tradition of Tasky almost being a different person every time he shows up in that book: this time around, he seems less antagonistic to Wade, but not quite buddy-buddy, since it's very obvious Tasky is there for the money. (And if he can shaft Wade so he can be the one to hit on the Black Widow, so much the better!)

Where is Deadpool? Geez, where isn't Deadpool? Currently or coming soon, he's got a regular series, a limited, a smattering of one-shots, and another ongoing? Really?

Admittedly, Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth does look pretty funny: check out the CBR interview with writer Victor Gischler. But...is Marvel really banking on Wolverine: Origins catapulting Wade into household name status? Because unless Ryan Reynolds wears the red suit and does a musical number while simultaneously in the middle of a John Woo-style shootout; I don't know if I see that happening. I really doubt Deadpool (if Wade is even what we know as "Deadpool" in the movie) is going to get the big scene-stealing moment that fans seem to expect. Movie Deadpool isn't likely, from first impressions and vile speculation, to be the character that is going to turn average non-comic reading moviegoers into Wednesday buyers.

And yet, from the solicits, Marvel seems to want to churn out Deadpool books like he's the second coming of Wolverine. I mean, I don't remember Ghost Rider, the Fantastic Four, or even Iron Man getting this sort of push; and they were actually the stars of movies. I think a lot of people like Deadpool, but it hasn't always translated into sales. Is Marvel counting on fan goodwill, somehow? Like him being in a movie will be a reminder to pick up Deadpool comics, like a note on the fridge?

Then I suppose it comes down to whether the comics are any good or not, and I don't think anyone expects a Deadpool comic to reinvent the wheel. Well...maybe. Deadpool certainly wasn't the first character to break the third wall, not by a long shot; but he brought it back, didn't he? (She-Hulk fumbled that ball, and Wade picked it up and kept it.) I may have to consider that for a bit.

New page every day this week!

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"Unused footage from Ms. Marvel's PSA" (Just not the Public Service Announcement you'd think)

I saw this solicited Ms. Marvel cover over at Comic Book Resources, and wrote this pretty quickly. It's mostly a monolog, but here goes, and click the pages to enlarge:





It's still pretty early on, and the book doesn't come out until July, but so far opinion seems split. (Some like it and some do not.) What do I think of the cover? Well, the buttons don't quite have the feel of the propaganda slogans that I figure they were trying for; but I readily admit, even a classic like "Loose Lips Sink Ships" probably wouldn't work anymore. I don't think even "Snitches get Stitches" would get the point across; today, a memorable chant or motto would probably have to have at least a couple swears.

Oh, the art...well, it's nicely done and pretty hot, sure; but even for Greg Horn, it's a little too cheesecakey. And maybe a bit out of character, since Carol seems a hair overly primped and made up, and if she was going to do a propaganda poster or something, wouldn't she do it in costume? I think the helmet and rifle would be enough to tie in Ms. Marvel=soldier, and the buttons could still be put on her costume.

Also, while I freely confess my knowledge of guns is limited, is the handgrip on the M-16 not normal? Hell, maybe that's not an M-16, but even more than the rest of the piece, that wonky piece gives the feel of the "Chicks Who Love Guns" scene from Jackie Brown. And the solicit also mentions, "she must find the warrior within" which, I kinda thought she was already doing.

I like Ms. Marvel as a character, even though I don't read her book. (I can't read every damn thing.) But Horn's covers always make her look polished and shiny and impossibly hot; and I would've figured she'd be a bit earthier. Like she'd be pretty, but not the type to wear a lot of makeup or fuss about her looks in situations that didn't merit it--that's the Wasp's job!

I don't think Ms. Marvel is necessarily a perfect paragon of womanhood, like, say, Wonder Woman, who's magical and godlike and looks immaculate even after being fighting thirty-seven super-villains in the rain after a really late night. But, MM does have some degree of invulnerability, right? If she still has hair, and it hasn't been burned off or something, then it would follow it shares to at least some extent that invulnerability...and still stays bouncy and manageable!

So, hypothetically: in a typical superhero fight, Wonder Woman is thrown through a wall. She gets up, dusts herself off, and gets back into the fight with grace and determination and still looking like a million bucks. Same situation: Power Girl gets up, pissed and ready to fight and probably enjoying herself more than WW. Adam Warren's Empowered: her costume tears, leaving her powerless, and she's tied up and mocked for several pages, but in a much more funny manner than it sounds. And Miss Marvel? She gets up, taking a moment to mentally kick herself for getting thrown through a wall, looks at the situation tactically, asks herself what she's doing wrong, and gets back in there, noticeably dirtier than before. Actually, the building might fall on Carol, too, just for good measure.

There was the temptation to try and do a strip based on Dr. Doom's smack talk to Carol, but that has been pretty well covered. Read more!