Random Happenstance

Today we hit Spider-Man Team-Up #3, featuring the Fantastic Four, "the wizards fantastic" Written by Dan Jurgens, art by Bob McLeod. Hoo boy, where to start? This was during the stretch when Ben Reilly was Spider-Man: although he isn't named as such in this story, you can tell by the costume, the webshooters on the outside, etc. The Fantastic Four had just recently returned to its 'classic' lineup, ditching Ant-Man with the return of the thought-dead Reed Richards; which puts this story about twenty minutes before Onslaught and Heroes Reborn. Reed had been stuck somewhere primitive for a year or two's worth of issues, and came back with a beard and Rogue's haircut.

Yeah, this wasn't a highwater mark for mighty Marvel. There's an ad on the back cover for Spider-Man cereal, which at that point I was buying more regularly than his comics. (Plus, I got a Spidey cereal bowl from it...even though I was in college at the time.)

Since it's not mentioned that this story's Spider-Man wasn't the original (and honestly, would you mention it if you didn't have to?), it's easy to miss the incongruity of Spidey acting like the FF are old friends, practically family; yet in continuity he hadn't seen them in several years. You could argue Reilly is just throwing himself into the role of Spider-Man, so no one suspects it's not the same guy; or perhaps Peter coached him or put him up to it. ('Oh, one more thing: every year, I use my webbing to clog every toilet in the Daily Bugle building.' 'Why?' 'Oh, tradition. Get to it!')

That said, the comedy value of this would skyrocket if Johnny either intentionally or unknowingly reversed that, dropping uncomfortable asides to Reilly based on years of friendship they haven't shared. ('You remembered our anniversary! I didn't think you cared!')

The story opens with Spidey in stealth mode, breaking into Four Freedoms Plaza to play a birthday prank on Johnny Storm. Spidey does a fair amount of property damage and malicious mischief getting into what probably is the most secure facility in the Marvel U, but I think Reed's defense system is programmed to recognize Spidey as a friend and not electronically disembowel him. (I think the Trapster got in once disguised as Spider-Man, so maybe not a great idea.) Spidey leaves the Torch a 'birthday bomb,' because isn't that what friends do? Blow up asbestos solution in their faces while they're sleeping? ('Ha-ha, you can't flame on, and you've got lung cancer!')

After the bomb blows, Spidey is caught by the Thing, and the rest of the Four; but not because he set off the alarm: an extradimensional portal has opened up in Johnny's room. No reason, just because. Also, Johnny has baseball and car posters all over his room, meaning:

A. He's a huge fan of baseball and racing.

B. He's really, really juvenile.

C. Actually, Johnny only puts those up so he doesn't seem like a huge perv: usually, he has more porn than your average mid-Western university.

Back to the portal, which everyone treats as seriously as you would a loose carpet tack, until a tentacle reaches out and pulls in the Thing. Johnny can't flame on, and Sue's force-field powers are broken (no idea why); so Reed stretches to fish Ben out. Instead of Ben, he pulls out a midget wizard. Yeah.

The wizard had opened the portal, because through his mystic viewing portal, he had seen the awe-inspiring sight of attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, C-beams glitterring in the dark near the Tannhauser gate...no, that's Blade Runner. The wizard was watching Johnny's video game console. Circa 1996, that probably would've been the Playstation, unless Reed built Johnny his own console system...he could, but probably wouldn't. (Oddly, for a 1996 comic, all the ads are for kid's products and candy, and no video games except Earthworm Jim VHS tapes mentioning his game. Still, it's a sharp reminder that kids used to read these, isn't it?)

The four piece together what happened, then Sue points out Ben's still missing. Even though he's fallen for about fifteen minutes, things aren't going that badly for him.

When I started on this issue, I was just going to post this page. Between the harem girls and the "Crom's Beard!" epithet, there's a nice old-school Conan feel for just a second. It doesn't last, though, and the Thing's eyes look like ping-pong balls in a lot of panels.


After the locals trip all over themselves attacking and fleeing him, the Thing switches over to his Ben Grimm form. Note I didn't say 'regular,' it's weird for me to see him changing back and forth. I can think of like three different occasions when he's been able to switch, and it always ends with him stuck/back to normal as the Thing full-time again. Ben steals a robe and wanders off to see what's what.

Back in Johnny's room, the wizard is getting an insane amount of enjoyment from a Playstation demo screen; and Reed, Sue, and Spidey are going to lower themselves through the portal to find Ben. Spidey explains his birthday prank:

Spidey acts like a twelve-year old this whole issue, I swear.

Ben decides the FF will come looking for him, so he decides to go back to the tower so he can get a good view for them. The inhabitants of the tower, perhaps understandably, don't take kindly to this; and it escalates into a brawl with dragon-riders by the time Spidey and company get there. Sue clonks the bad wizard in the back of the head with, um, her fist, I guess; but the wizard had already shot a very, very slow magic bolt back at the portal.

To get the good wizard off his ass, Spidey webs Johnny's Playstation (the portal is inexplicably closer now then when Ben fell through, but it's still at least a fifty-yard web shot) and pulls it through. The good wizard follows it, and Spidey makes him banish the dragon-riders and close the portal in exchange for the game. As the rest of the Fantastic Four gets back, Johnny considers leaving Spidey trapped in the wizard's world, but pulls him through the closing portal.

For his punishment, Spidey is forced to serve the FF Johnny's birthday dinner. The wizard gets his system, but without electricity, a TV, AV cables, and Doritos it's not doing him any good. Thus ends a minor footnote in the history of Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four. Come to think of it, Spider-Man Team-Up pretty much ended up the same way. I'm curious to see if the updated Brave and the Bold from DC can bring back the team-up book, or if that's as hopeless in today's market as quarterly books--again, SMTU. A team-up book that at least pretended to be dramatic might be a start, though...