More of Dr. Light than you probably reasonably expected to see today.

Oh, boy. If yesterday's secret origin of Gorilla Grodd didn't work for you, today's Dr. Light post is going to leave you cold. Mostly because it's not very good. Especially compared to his other Secret Origin, but it may or may not be the worst retcon for the character. Again from DC Super-Stars #14, this time we've got "Let There Be Dr. Light!" Written by Paul Kupperberg, art by Dick Ayers and Jack Abel.

This origin starts with southern dandy/"Phd in optics" Dr. Arthur Light about to test his newest invention: a device that is supposed to 'capture' lightrays from through time and space, so he can view the future. Instead, he turns it on and gets other dimensions. Focus!

"A single twist of a dial and the scene shifts..." to a futuristic looking city, which turns out to be another planet. So, Light can see other dimensions and planets easier than you can change the channel on your VCR, but can he see the future like he planned? No. You suck, Dr. Light!

The machine's focus changes again, to a laboratory, that Light identifies as an optics lab. Wow, that's not coincidental or anything, even for a story like this. Light wants to study the goodies therein, even though he's already invented a machine to view other planets. Not sure what better you think you're going to find, Doc. He accidentally drops a wrench (an 'optics' wrench, no doubt) through the screen, and finds he has also opened a space warp to the alien planet's lab. Light steps through the screen to commence looting.

Light is quickly interrupted by a guard, who yells at him in some alien language, so he grabs what he can and jumps back to earth. The alien planet turns out to be Thanagar, which means out of all the Hawk Police, Katar Hol is about to get up on Light's grill. Since this story takes place before Katar and Shayera came to earth, he's wearing what looks like it was supposed to be an early version of his costume--the little star on the strap really doesn't work, but on the cover of this issue, Katar's wearing green tights and red Robin-booties.

Also, while I'd love to see a return of editorial captions and footnotes, putting them on a hand is just so dumb.

Back on earth, Dr. Light puts on his...Dr. Light costume, which admittedly is a vast improvement over what he was wearing. He uses "solidified light" to blow a hole through concrete...in his lab. All right, that may have been a little premature, but he's excited, OK? Actually, it does look like he plans on levelling his place of employment, then looting the smouldering wreckage maybe.

By this time, Katar's tapped the energy of the space warp and followed it back to earth. I don't know if that sort of scientific can-do is beyond the reach of the planet that gave us the Absorbascon, Nth Metal belts, and big fake wings; but it seems dicey. Then we get fighty time, with ray blasts and punching and Light tries the old multiple images trick, and while Katar recognizes it has to be the one casting a shadow, he still punches an image. Taking a hit, Hawkman crashes on a roof of a solar research center.

Seemingly beaten, Hawkman takes flight again, flying right into a clear line of fire, but it's only a mirror with the wings attached. Flying only with his belt, Katar swoops down but Light warps out, escaping. Katar recovers the stolen tech, and returns to Thanagar, unaware that years later he would make earth his home. And learn to talk to birds. And enjoy swinging a mace.

Actually, I would rather Hawkman cave my skull in with a mace, than lose to the old mirror trick. And I've always thought that it was sort of lame that Hawkman's wings weren't real: that's one of the little things that may not technically have been broken in the regular DC continuity but was 'fixed' in the Justice League cartoon. Don't most people just assume his wings are 'attached'? Otherwise, you could replace Hawkman with a Legion Flight Ring and a two-by-four.

Well, I'm done with this issue, since the Two-Face secret origin is kind of like 'improving' your million-dollar mansion by nailing a ten-dollar birdhouse to the side of it. It also refers to Two-Face's daughter, which is another artifact of continuity I don't think you hear about much anymore. There were also single page text origins of Brainiac and the Shark, which did remind me of another fun issue...which I may have to find later. 'Til next time, don't shoot the mirror. God, I shouldn't even have to say that in this century... Read more!

Now with 75% more tangents!


This is one of those stories that DC would typically start with a question; perhaps a splash page of Gorilla Grodd stomping on Green Lantern as the narration wonders how this could be, or where's the Flash, or why GL can't take him. Instead, "The Secret Origin of Gorilla Grodd!" opens with Hal getting reamed by his bosses, the Guardians of the Universe. Hal's performance review isn't going very well, as the Guardians accuse him of "unleashing a terrible menace on your home world, Terra!"

The incident in question was from Green Lantern #1, "Planet of Doomed Men!" and to be fair, I'm not 100% sure Hal knew about the Guardians at that point. A quick re-reading of that issue, revealed that the Guardians hadn't let Hal remember them yet, so he was just taking occasional instructions from his lantern. Hmm. Well, that would probably have been more fun, thinking you're the only one in the universe with a magic ring (and bossy lantern); not just one out of a couple thousand, with bosses and limits and rules and expectations. Phooey.

(Incidently, where are the terrifying Green Lanterns? There's robots, bird-head guys, plants, planets, the occasional amorphous blob, and so on; but where are the crab monsters, the drooling spiders, the Lovecraftian nameless things? I'm sure there's lots of scary, horrible monsters that would be noble and shining members of the Green Lantern Corps, but no, they have to give rings to Ch'p or that easily squishable one that looked like a hummingbird.)

The Guardians roll a clip from GL #1, stating that their recorders picked up Hal's thoughts "as well as the physical action," and based on that, I really really hope for Hal's sake that new Brave and the Bold issue with Supergirl was 'off the clock.' Brrr.

How many sidebars have I had so far? Two? Three? Even for me, that's pretty bad. Anyway, they watch Hal, on the alien world Calor, fight the Dryg; a giant, mohawked, telepathic ape thing. With pointy ears, and no visible genitalia, thank Rao. After an epic five-panel battle, Hal freezes the Dryg, and dumps it at one of the planet's polar regions to stay frozen. (Assuming it was 'frozen like Captain America frozen,' and not 'frozen like the steaks in my freezer frozen.') Then Hal split back for earth to strike out with Carol, again.

The Guardians roll back the tape to point out a speck in the distance, which when enlarged and viewed from a completely different angle, turns out to be a gorilla. A helpful, sacrilegious Guardian explains evolution basics for you, and points out that Calor is that much-ballyhooed planet where apes evolved from men. Hal went to a southern elementary school, and is understandably confused.

(Boo! I'm just on the agnostic side of godless, but can't we all just accept evolution? I have a less hard time believing God created the universe over millions of years, then slowly evolved single-celled organisms into men. Creating the universe in six twenty-four hour days is allegory, not fact. And dinosaur bones don't come from Satan. Like Satan could influence Walt Simonson's signature! Christ...)

Man, this thing's going to go completely off the rails any time now. Deep breath: The Guardians roll footage of the gorilla hightailling it back to his gorilla city...the Gorilla City, as it turns out, home of the Super-Gorillas previously seen in issues of the Flash. Our nameless gorilla reaches his leader Solovar, and outlines an admittedly clever plan to use their mighty brains to tap into Green Lantern's power ring, and move their whole civilization off of the increasingly volcanic Calor.


Hal has a moment to be kind of impressed with himself, towing an entire city through space without knowing it; before the Guardians step all over that.

But, during the twenty-minute trip to Earth, our unnamed gorilla declares that since he found their Green Lantern mule and saved all of them, he should be the new leader. Solovar says maybe he should wait for the next election, at which point mystery gorilla decides to invoke the 25th amendment all over Solovar's face. Cue somewhat graceless gorilla fight.


Hmm, not enough biting or crap-throwing or whatever. Since this fight is during the move to earth, it destabilizes the whole mess, and the city is damaged by "Planetoids--crashing down upon us!" That turns out to be a lucky break, as a falling hunk of debris knocks out the unnamed gorilla, whom we all now know as...Grodd.

Green Lantern had previously fought Grodd, but in the version he knew, Gorilla City had been there for eons. (Hopefully with a better name.) According to the Guardians, that's a load of crap; and the Calorian gorillas made it up because they were afraid of being deported. Yeah, they could get thrown off earth like Superman, the Martian Manhunter, Hawkman and Hawkwoman...

Hal good-naturedly asks if the Guardians want him to forcibly relocate the gorillas, because if not their secret was no skin off his ass. The Guardian tell him there's more: the imprisoned Grodd was able to tap the power ring's energy and free himself. Grodd's next step is to head into the jungle, and send a telepathic message to lure in Green Lantern. That has the added bonus of 'blocking yet another date with Carol.


(Print out like several hundred of these. Stick them on top of every panel Green Lantern's in, ever. You're welcome.)

Hidden, Grodd is able to get the ring to make a hammer, but Hal's still able to block it. Grodd then takes the direct approach: announcing himself to GL, then sucker-punching him. The ring won't come off Hal's finger (?) but Grodd is still able to use it's power, which leads to a giant gorilla stomping up a city full of gorillas. Gorillas, gorillas, gorillas. The word's losing all meaning for me, and I may never do that Tarzan post now...

Hal wakes up, his ring presumably having prevented Grodd from punching his head off. He fights the giant Grodd, echoing the fight with the Dryg; then realizes Giant-Grodd is just an energy duplicate. Actually, Hal probably wouldn't have picked up on that if Grodd hadn't jumped up and announced it, leaving himself open to GL's liquid-oxygen attack.

Solovar thanks Green Lantern for saving the city...by wiping his mind of any memory of it. Since by that time in the current continuity, Gorilla City was known, accepted, and ruined by tourists; the Guardians figured they could let Hal know the rest of the story. Ignoring more mindrape, GL is amused that he fought and beat Grodd before Flash ever heard of him; which probably isn't going to sound as funny to the Flash.

HAL: Hey, Barry, guess what? Turns out, the gorillas in Gorilla City aren't really gorillas! They're gorilla-aliens, and I brought them to earth! Isn't that something?

BARRY: What the hell, man! Grodd killed like forty people in Central City last week! He ate an entire S.W.A.T. team and ripped the face off a nun!

HAL: Um...they were hitchhiker gorilla-aliens?

BARRY: Jesus, Hal! Grodd's controlled my mind before. My mind, Hal. It's like having an 800-pound gorilla squatting down in your friggin' skull. Unpleasant, Hal, unpleasant.

HAL: (softly) I'm sorry, Barry. (hangs head)

BARRY: Ah...it's not your fault, Hal. It's ok. (muttering)I swear, I can still taste ape fur.

Other oddities: The gorillas of Calor, while allegedly one of the most advanced societies in the history of ever, never themselves mastered space travel, presumably because they didn't have any monkeys for the test flights. That, or gorilla hair always clogs the instruments.

This story, and the other two in this issue, were pretty much apocryphal even before Crisis and everything. Gorilla City is considered to be homegrown today, which is just as well, otherwise the current Zoom would be directly Hal's fault...


Deep breath: From Green Lantern #1, reprinted in DC Blue Ribbon Digest #4, "Planet of the Doomed Men!" Written by John Broome, art by Gil Kane and Murphy Anderson.

From Fantastic Four #345, "The Mesozoic Mambo!" Written and drawn by Walt Simonson...although, I didn't find the credits flipping through the issue.

And mainly, from DC Super-Stars Presents #14, "G--as in Guardians, Green Lantern, and Gorilla Grodd!" Written by Bob Rozakis, art by Rich Buckler and Bob Layton. Read more!

How this panel doesn't show up in every third Green Lantern comic, I have no idea. From DC Super-Stars Presents #14, "G--as in Guardians, Green Lantern, and Gorilla Grodd!" Written by Bob Rozakis, art by Rich Buckler and Bob Layton.

I'm being a little harsh on poor Hal, but in this issue he's written like the dumbest person at the party. Granted, Hal's not as bright as the Guardians of the Universe, the Super-Gorillas, or Carol Ferris...or Pieface (who is unfortunately colored green in his one-panel appearence) but, um, I think I saw a caveman in there somewhere...

Actually, I think Hal's smart, just thoughtless, if that makes sense. But I'll finish up on this issue later today, promise. I worked from five in the morning until six last evening, and it was just a weird day anyway. My alarm clocks (yes, I need two) didn't go off, yet I still got up in time. It was cold in the morning, but I biked anyway; then twice during the day I looked up and it was like a snowglobe outside, then bone-dry on my way home. And then I had time to load one panel, which just made me want to post on the rest of the story, which I will. But later. Read more!

Superman hustles over and changes to Clark in time for a Galaxy Broadcasting football game, and "human contact." Wow, out of context, that sounds horrible. Anyway, back in the seventies, I guess it was completely normal for a company to have uniforms and helmets made for you and your co-workers to play a weekend game of football against the Daily Planet or WTBS or whoever. Because, you know, reporters. Work hard and play hard. And that's why Jimmy Olsen has no cartlidge in his left knee, by the way.

Clark recaps the last few issues when he should have been paying attention to the next play: Supergirl finally told Clark that Krypton was all "a delusion, a fantasy I'd created." And he's thinking about that and misses the play, so he completely fouls it up, running the ball the wrong way. Because, you know, someone who can run millions of computations in his head while listening to weather patterns in Indochina and using x-ray vision to see what's happening on Alpha Centauri, is going to be easily distracted.

Meanwhile, Supergirl has a meeting somewhere so secretive the writer doesn't even want to tell us, and the artists are going to draw it all shadowy too. All we know is they have a huge screen tv, and everyone has the Iron Fist collar. The seventies, man, the seventies. But, they fill Supergirl in on a space armada attacking a lone planet, so her first instinct is to get Superman on it. God forbid you take this one, Kara, and give the guy a night off. The collars point out that the newly human Superman might not care about what happens on the far end of the universe anymore, since he's got his own problems on earth.

Kara says Superman has always helped when needed, and always will. So she goes to get Clark...who completely blows her off. "There are enough things here on earth to keep me busy!...It's a matter of priorities!" Kara calls him a coward, slaps the glasses right off him, tells him to "Take your priorities and you can put them where the sun doesn't shine!" When I was six reading this, I read that line, over and over, trying to figure out what Supergirl meant. The earth's core? The dark side of the moon? Well, if you figure it out...

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Later, on a dinner date with Lois, Clark is staring out the window into space. Like most of Lois' dates, right? But Clark's checking out "Xonn...about 11 Light years from here." I miss the telescopic vision. Lots of people have pointed out there would be no possible way, even if you could somehow find and focus on some object light-years away, that you could see it until the light actually traveled the physical distance to you: in this case, eleven years later. I say, just call it something like "Tachyon Vision" or something. Oh, if Grant Morrison had the same idea, you'd say it was the greatest power since Super-Ventriloquism. Hmph. Back to the matter at hand, Supergirl and Krypto are getting asskicked by the alien armada. Clark has to blow off about the seven-hundredth date he's had with Lois, although if the armada was tough enough to beat a girl and a dog with the same powers as you, you might want to have some dinner and think over your next step.

For her part, Lois nearly breaks her foot kicking Clark's door, after she's given the bum's rush.

The collars watch Superman, and wonder if he's too late. Supes attacks the armada's cool ships, that always reminded me of Space:1999, possibly because there's an ad for that in here. The aliens are big, green armored guys; four arms, big heads, and magnetic powers. And for good measure, the sun blinds Superman. You can probably see where the fight goes from there, and in their new cell, Supergirl points out the sun is cutting their powers in half to boot. The leader of the invaded aliens is in the cell as well, and explains the invaders are called the J'ai, a race that produces eight new ones for every one that dies. Yeah, I have no idea how that would work either. Anyway, that's not important, because Superman has a relevation.

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Kal-El figures there really was a Krypton, because Kara had called him "cousin," and "Kal-El," neither of which would be correct if he was an earth mutant. Also, Krypto. Because unless their parents were exposed to a helluva lot of radiation, I don't like how it explains the dog getting powers. Kara says she and the Kandorians--who she obviously didn't smash back in issue #307, they were the collar guys--pulled this hoax because they were worried that Clark was becoming obsessive about Earth and more meddlesome in humanity's affairs. So the next time you have an asthma attack, or there's an oil spill, you can thank Kara for stopping Superman's interest in this kind of thing. Kara justifies it by saying "Kandorian psychologists...feel an emotional problem should be removed, rather than solved!" What about repression? That's been doing wonders for me!

Superman, good and pissed now, busts out of the cell. Using super-hearing, he can hear the J'ai dogpile on him, and realizes they are communicating by sonic vibration. Two panels later, he's able to use a "sonic pulse" to paralyze the J'ai. Um, on reading it again, that seemed really quick. But the alien invasion really wasn't the big point of this whole issue. The Super's all fly home, and Kal has a quick speech about how he loves earth, maybe even more than Krypton, because it took him in. And Earth took her in as well. Krypto, well, maybe. So Superman wasn't really a mutant at all, which means the premise of these posts a big fat lie. Making me a liar like Supergirl. Eh, I'm ok with it.

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With both X3 and Superman Returns out this summer, now would be a good time to blog about comics tying the two franchises together, right? But what could possibly unite those horrible mutants and the fabled Last Son of Krypton? How about if Superman wasn't from Krypton at all, but was actually...wait for it...a mutant! From Superman #307, Jan 1977; and #309, March 1977. Writen by Jerry Conway, art by Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez and Frank Springer.

#307, despite the shocking (and well done by Neal Adams) cover, starts out innocently enough: Clark's having a lot of self-doubt about being an alien among men, and an orphan who's adopted planet isn't taking care of itself. Hitting on the pollution issue of the times, Superman decides to start moving oil tankers around to reduce spills. And by moving them around, I mean he intends to throw them into orbit. (Of course, there were kid's toys on Krypton that could probably power the western hemisphere, but this seems like a better use of your time, Clark.)

This brings up our villain, the frankly forgettable Protector, whom I mention only because he was apparently powered by pollution. I suppose he didn't need to worry too much about Superman cleaning up the planet, but why take chances? Still, I'm not sure Protector ever appeared again, so maybe Supes did clean up the planet. Anyway, he's so lame he doesn't even get on the cover. I think the writer had the story laid out and needed a villain; but didn't want to waste Toyman or Metallo on a b-plot. Protector's a mixed bag: he charges in to prevent Superman's grand theft oil tanker, but declares, "I told you to leave the polluting industries alone!" See, that's the sort of thing that comes back to haunt you in your next parole hearing.

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The main story gets rolling (12 pages and a Hostess ad into the comic) when Supergirl tells Clark she's tired of his "problem." Kara decides it's finally time for Clark to face reality, that there's no such place as Krypton, and they're really mutants. She provides filmed footage of her and Clark's adopted parents working together in a nuclear lab; and explains that they weren't adopted at all. The radiation their parents were exposed to gave them their powers, which also explains the Justice League of Chernobyl.

As you might expect, Clark calls bullshit. After all, he's pulled exactly this kind of lie on Lois, Jimmy, Perry, Lana, and the general public; many hundreds of times, either for his secret identity, or humanity's own good, or just for a laugh. He sites the bottle city of Kandor, complete with several million microscopic little Kryptonians, as a good example of their heritage. Kara asks him to look again.

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Wow, that's good crazy. I have an assload of toys, but even at the pinnacle of my drinking, I've never thought that they were a living, functioning society. (They're a dysfunctional anarchy at best.) Supes kind of freaks out a bit after Kara smashes his toy/millions of people, then the Protector attacks again. Y'know, although I was badmouthing him, it does take some stones to take the fight into Superman's living room. Kara leaves Supes to it, and Superman surmises that she wants to see if he can cope with the revelation. I think Kara just had better things to do that afternoon than wrestle with Captain Nobody. Supes pulls it together enough to beat the Protector, but wonders if he'll ever be all right again...to be continued!

I didn't get Superman #307 until I was in my thirties, I think. Late twenties at least. #309 I've had since I was a kid, and my original copy is still somewhere. The "Clark is a mutant, there's no such thing as Krypton" plot seems pretty heavy to hang on those timelost 70's kids, especially since distribution and purchasing were both kind of a crapshoot back then. Back then comics were usually sold at grocery stores and such, and I don't think the pull box was even someone's bright idea yet. Plus, speaking for myself, I had to convince my mom to buy comics for me, and while my Mom is awesome, it wasn't always a sure thing. I can't imagine getting #307 as a kid and missing #309, the issue that wraps this up.

I can see my seven-year old self thinking "Shit, Superman's a mutant? But what about the Phantom Zone criminals and Dev-Em and that giant monkey guy and Kryptonite? Dear Rao, what about the kryptonite?!" And then I'd look all furrow-browed and sad, and Mom would send me to bed early. Anyway, I still don't have #308, but I don't think it matters in this case, and we'll hit #309 tomorrow. Oh, you only have to wait a day, ya big baby...

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