Superman hustles over and changes to Clark in time for a Galaxy Broadcasting football game, and "human contact." Wow, out of context, that sounds horrible. Anyway, back in the seventies, I guess it was completely normal for a company to have uniforms and helmets made for you and your co-workers to play a weekend game of football against the Daily Planet or WTBS or whoever. Because, you know, reporters. Work hard and play hard. And that's why Jimmy Olsen has no cartlidge in his left knee, by the way.

Clark recaps the last few issues when he should have been paying attention to the next play: Supergirl finally told Clark that Krypton was all "a delusion, a fantasy I'd created." And he's thinking about that and misses the play, so he completely fouls it up, running the ball the wrong way. Because, you know, someone who can run millions of computations in his head while listening to weather patterns in Indochina and using x-ray vision to see what's happening on Alpha Centauri, is going to be easily distracted.

Meanwhile, Supergirl has a meeting somewhere so secretive the writer doesn't even want to tell us, and the artists are going to draw it all shadowy too. All we know is they have a huge screen tv, and everyone has the Iron Fist collar. The seventies, man, the seventies. But, they fill Supergirl in on a space armada attacking a lone planet, so her first instinct is to get Superman on it. God forbid you take this one, Kara, and give the guy a night off. The collars point out that the newly human Superman might not care about what happens on the far end of the universe anymore, since he's got his own problems on earth.

Kara says Superman has always helped when needed, and always will. So she goes to get Clark...who completely blows her off. "There are enough things here on earth to keep me busy!...It's a matter of priorities!" Kara calls him a coward, slaps the glasses right off him, tells him to "Take your priorities and you can put them where the sun doesn't shine!" When I was six reading this, I read that line, over and over, trying to figure out what Supergirl meant. The earth's core? The dark side of the moon? Well, if you figure it out...

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Later, on a dinner date with Lois, Clark is staring out the window into space. Like most of Lois' dates, right? But Clark's checking out "Xonn...about 11 Light years from here." I miss the telescopic vision. Lots of people have pointed out there would be no possible way, even if you could somehow find and focus on some object light-years away, that you could see it until the light actually traveled the physical distance to you: in this case, eleven years later. I say, just call it something like "Tachyon Vision" or something. Oh, if Grant Morrison had the same idea, you'd say it was the greatest power since Super-Ventriloquism. Hmph. Back to the matter at hand, Supergirl and Krypto are getting asskicked by the alien armada. Clark has to blow off about the seven-hundredth date he's had with Lois, although if the armada was tough enough to beat a girl and a dog with the same powers as you, you might want to have some dinner and think over your next step.

For her part, Lois nearly breaks her foot kicking Clark's door, after she's given the bum's rush.

The collars watch Superman, and wonder if he's too late. Supes attacks the armada's cool ships, that always reminded me of Space:1999, possibly because there's an ad for that in here. The aliens are big, green armored guys; four arms, big heads, and magnetic powers. And for good measure, the sun blinds Superman. You can probably see where the fight goes from there, and in their new cell, Supergirl points out the sun is cutting their powers in half to boot. The leader of the invaded aliens is in the cell as well, and explains the invaders are called the J'ai, a race that produces eight new ones for every one that dies. Yeah, I have no idea how that would work either. Anyway, that's not important, because Superman has a relevation.

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Kal-El figures there really was a Krypton, because Kara had called him "cousin," and "Kal-El," neither of which would be correct if he was an earth mutant. Also, Krypto. Because unless their parents were exposed to a helluva lot of radiation, I don't like how it explains the dog getting powers. Kara says she and the Kandorians--who she obviously didn't smash back in issue #307, they were the collar guys--pulled this hoax because they were worried that Clark was becoming obsessive about Earth and more meddlesome in humanity's affairs. So the next time you have an asthma attack, or there's an oil spill, you can thank Kara for stopping Superman's interest in this kind of thing. Kara justifies it by saying "Kandorian psychologists...feel an emotional problem should be removed, rather than solved!" What about repression? That's been doing wonders for me!

Superman, good and pissed now, busts out of the cell. Using super-hearing, he can hear the J'ai dogpile on him, and realizes they are communicating by sonic vibration. Two panels later, he's able to use a "sonic pulse" to paralyze the J'ai. Um, on reading it again, that seemed really quick. But the alien invasion really wasn't the big point of this whole issue. The Super's all fly home, and Kal has a quick speech about how he loves earth, maybe even more than Krypton, because it took him in. And Earth took her in as well. Krypto, well, maybe. So Superman wasn't really a mutant at all, which means the premise of these posts a big fat lie. Making me a liar like Supergirl. Eh, I'm ok with it.

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With both X3 and Superman Returns out this summer, now would be a good time to blog about comics tying the two franchises together, right? But what could possibly unite those horrible mutants and the fabled Last Son of Krypton? How about if Superman wasn't from Krypton at all, but was actually...wait for it...a mutant! From Superman #307, Jan 1977; and #309, March 1977. Writen by Jerry Conway, art by Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez and Frank Springer.

#307, despite the shocking (and well done by Neal Adams) cover, starts out innocently enough: Clark's having a lot of self-doubt about being an alien among men, and an orphan who's adopted planet isn't taking care of itself. Hitting on the pollution issue of the times, Superman decides to start moving oil tankers around to reduce spills. And by moving them around, I mean he intends to throw them into orbit. (Of course, there were kid's toys on Krypton that could probably power the western hemisphere, but this seems like a better use of your time, Clark.)

This brings up our villain, the frankly forgettable Protector, whom I mention only because he was apparently powered by pollution. I suppose he didn't need to worry too much about Superman cleaning up the planet, but why take chances? Still, I'm not sure Protector ever appeared again, so maybe Supes did clean up the planet. Anyway, he's so lame he doesn't even get on the cover. I think the writer had the story laid out and needed a villain; but didn't want to waste Toyman or Metallo on a b-plot. Protector's a mixed bag: he charges in to prevent Superman's grand theft oil tanker, but declares, "I told you to leave the polluting industries alone!" See, that's the sort of thing that comes back to haunt you in your next parole hearing.

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The main story gets rolling (12 pages and a Hostess ad into the comic) when Supergirl tells Clark she's tired of his "problem." Kara decides it's finally time for Clark to face reality, that there's no such place as Krypton, and they're really mutants. She provides filmed footage of her and Clark's adopted parents working together in a nuclear lab; and explains that they weren't adopted at all. The radiation their parents were exposed to gave them their powers, which also explains the Justice League of Chernobyl.

As you might expect, Clark calls bullshit. After all, he's pulled exactly this kind of lie on Lois, Jimmy, Perry, Lana, and the general public; many hundreds of times, either for his secret identity, or humanity's own good, or just for a laugh. He sites the bottle city of Kandor, complete with several million microscopic little Kryptonians, as a good example of their heritage. Kara asks him to look again.

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Wow, that's good crazy. I have an assload of toys, but even at the pinnacle of my drinking, I've never thought that they were a living, functioning society. (They're a dysfunctional anarchy at best.) Supes kind of freaks out a bit after Kara smashes his toy/millions of people, then the Protector attacks again. Y'know, although I was badmouthing him, it does take some stones to take the fight into Superman's living room. Kara leaves Supes to it, and Superman surmises that she wants to see if he can cope with the revelation. I think Kara just had better things to do that afternoon than wrestle with Captain Nobody. Supes pulls it together enough to beat the Protector, but wonders if he'll ever be all right again...to be continued!

I didn't get Superman #307 until I was in my thirties, I think. Late twenties at least. #309 I've had since I was a kid, and my original copy is still somewhere. The "Clark is a mutant, there's no such thing as Krypton" plot seems pretty heavy to hang on those timelost 70's kids, especially since distribution and purchasing were both kind of a crapshoot back then. Back then comics were usually sold at grocery stores and such, and I don't think the pull box was even someone's bright idea yet. Plus, speaking for myself, I had to convince my mom to buy comics for me, and while my Mom is awesome, it wasn't always a sure thing. I can't imagine getting #307 as a kid and missing #309, the issue that wraps this up.

I can see my seven-year old self thinking "Shit, Superman's a mutant? But what about the Phantom Zone criminals and Dev-Em and that giant monkey guy and Kryptonite? Dear Rao, what about the kryptonite?!" And then I'd look all furrow-browed and sad, and Mom would send me to bed early. Anyway, I still don't have #308, but I don't think it matters in this case, and we'll hit #309 tomorrow. Oh, you only have to wait a day, ya big baby...

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