Monday, February 01, 2016

"Race of the Century!"

I don't think the current Hyperion was ever a teammate of Speed Demon, or even the Whizzer. But I think the Hyperion that appears first in the comics, along with Speed Demon as the Whizzer, and the Nighthawk that was in the Defenders for ever; were all part of the Squadron Sinister, which was more or less put together by the Grandmaster so he'd have a team to field against the Avengers. (Their fourth member was Dr. Spectrum, who has appeared a few times over the years, but not as much.) Later, it's revealed that the Grandmaster had taken inspiration from the other-dimensional Squadron Supreme...and not the Justice League of America, as you might have guessed. Man, Grandmaster didn't even change the names, but I suppose a cosmic gambling addict wouldn't care about trademarks.

Anyway, an Avenger like Hawkeye would probably point out that whether Squadron Supreme or Squadron Sinister, he's probably going to end up fighting them either way. I don't think Hyperion is usually the lout we portray him as here, but Speed Demon is probably a million times worse.

CLARK: This is Clark Kent, reporting live for WGBS News, on the scene...sigh...

CLARK: ...once again, with Hyperion.
HYPE: By the undying zombie gods of Argon, it's pronounced HYPERION!! Kent, you are the worst hype man, EVER.

CLARK: Um, I'm not a "hype man."
HYPE: Pfft. Obviously. Fortunately for the citizens of Metropolis, I can do your job and mine.
CLARK: ...what "job," is that, exactly? All I've ever seen you do is start riots and trash-talk this universe...

HYPE: Indeed! Because this universe has never seen a sporting event to rival tomorrow's contest!
CLARK: The Thing is going to box the Champion?
HYPE: What? No! Tomorrow, we settle the age-old question, who is faster, myself, the nigh-omnipotent HYPERION!

CLARK: Or the Flash?
HYPE: That slugard? Hardly! I'll be racing the searing speed of my teammate in the Squadron Supreme,

HYPE: You've changed your name?
SD: Yeah, apparently "Whizzer" has a different connotation in this universe.
HYPE: No, it's the same. Still, Speed Demon's nice, I like it.
KENT: Now wait a minute! "Speed Demon" there is a known super-villain! He's a menace! And he's nowhere near as fast as the Flash!

SD: Ah, that may have been true before, but I've accessed the power your speedsters use--and I was far faster than them to begin with!
KENT: You mean, you've tapped into the Speed Force?

SD: Um, not that one.
KENT: Velocity 9?
SD: Not quite.
KENT: Meth?
SD: That's the one!
KENT: Of course.

SD: Love it.
HYPE: --And I will race around the globe, to raise money for charity.
KENT: Well, I can't argue with that! What charities?

HYPE: I'm racing for my charity, HYPERION'S Punch-Buddies!
KENT: ...what?
HYPE: I raise money--by hitting! Your donations decide what I hit--and how hard!

KENT: Wait, why does your charity for hitting need money--you know what? Never mind. Speed Demon, what's your charity?
SD: The "Touched by a Demon" Foundation.

KENT: ...I already know I'm going to regret asking, but go ahead.
SD: It makes restitution to anyone I've inappropriately touched at super-speed!
HYPE: A noble cause!
KENT: Oh, back to the studio!


Dale Bagwell said...

Legit LMAO! Goddamn, I think I'm gonna' retire now....Meth and that last one man......golden....
Still jealous though;)

SallyP said...

I don't know... Hyperion has always seemed pretty loutish to me.