Robin, I know rejection can be difficult to deal with...
You might lash out, or become verbally abusive to those who don't deserve it...

But just be careful not to move too quickly into something you might regret...


Oh, sure Robin: there's probably no clubs, raves, loft parties, or anything like that in Gotham, I'm sure you and Mr. Purple Shirt will have lots of fun at the barn dance. I don't think they need 'psychedelic lighting' either, 'cause the angle of that roof is freaking me out here...

The first two panels are from Batman #330, "Target!" Written by Marv Wolfman, art by Irv Novick and Vince Colletta. Robin's come back from wasting umpteen years at college, and is having trouble working with Batman again. Batman's got his own problems though, as a condemned mobster has put a ten million bounty on his head, if carried out before the mobster is executed. Talia guests, mostly just to run up the tension between Batman and Robin.

The last one is from Super-Team Family #1 and a reprinted Teen Titans story, "Stepping Stones for a Giant Killer!" Written by Mike Friedrich, art by Gil Kane and Wally Wood. Read more!

Fairly warned, be thee, says I: it's Talk Like a Pirate Day again! Linked from Comics Oughta Be Fun! Man, Talk Like a Viking Day is never going to take off, is it? Sod, Sleestak of That's My Skull beat me to the viking joke!

Wait, 'sod' isn't pirate talk, either. In sooth, I am more versed in fake-Thor speak. And I don't want to get bogged down in the spelling of 'yar.' (I prefer a simple 'Arr.') And I'm a little disappointed, as I had thought this was later in the year, and I had some other piratey nonsense planned. Well, I suppose pirates don't care if it's their day or not, so it'll keep.

These panels are from a Hostess Ad from Action Comics#488. If you see more scarily garbed pirates, you are a damned liar.

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Thor Writing Challenge: Sif!
Although it's probably not the biggest (or best!) supporting cast in comics, Thor often had a memorable ensemble of supporting characters, including Beta Ray Bill, Hercules, the Enchantress, and the Warriors Three. I know J. Michael Straczynski probably has the first year of Thor all plotted out and everything, the settings, the characters, and so forth; and I'm not even sure he plans on using her, but here's a challenge for him: Make Sif interesting. If possible.

That could be a tall order. Even Walt Simonson seemed to have a rough time of it, as Hildy, Volstagg's daughter, has more memorable moments in his run. Sif has been Thor's girlfriend/fiance/platonic-comrade-in-arms at various times in the book's run, and often falls victim to the 'show, don't tell' rule. I don't know how many times I've seen her referred to as Thor's 'beloved' or 'betrothed' or 'beknighted' or whatever. But they don't seem to act like a couple. Like, ever. Although, I suppose if a couple had been together since before the dark ages, they very well might not be super demonstrative.

She's also often referred to as one of Asgard's mightiest warriors...for a girl. Sif fights like all hell to be the equal of those she stands with, and...wait, strike that: Sif fights like all hell to be considered the equal of those she stands with. She doesn't seem to have the special status or powers like Thor or Balder, and is often, again, referred to as the cream of the Asgardian crop. But in actual practice, and especially in the older issues; her role in battle is, be ignored until someone underestimates her as 'the girl,' then Sif clobbers him.

Ideally, Sif helps the narrative by creating a dramatic choice for Thor: should he stay in Asgard with his beloved (and his dad, who can't run the place for five minutes without going into the 'Odinsleep') or return to earth, which he loves and which needs him and where most of his comics start? The problem is, Thor always chooses earth, leaving Sif waiting, which she does, until the next run of Thor stories in Asgard. (There have been brief stretches where Sif leaves Asgard with Thor, and flops around like a fish out of water on earth.) There's never any drama to it, since we know full well Thor will be back on earth and kicking ass with the Avengers before too long (unless someone jacks that up, but that's another post), and Sif will be waiting in Asgard with bated breath. Which makes her a bit of a doormat.

Simonson tried to pull an end run around that, by having Sif interested in Beta Ray Bill, a hero as noble and worthy as Thor; except he looked like a horse. Or an orange guy with no ears. But, she was kind of drifting back towards Thor towards the end of his run anyway. Then came Defalco's run, not my favorite, although looking back the replacement Thor wasn't so bad until they saddled him with 'Thunderstrike' and a dangley lightning bolt earring. Meh, maybe not. But Sif was kind-of, sort-of, then not-at-all interested in Eric, and he's getting the brushoff in one of the panels here. (This was also one of those times where Thor and Sif are engaged, but nothing seems to come of it, as far as I know.)

All right, enough grousing about Sif's role (or lack of same) in the past: going forward, how would you make Sif a character worth reading about, instead of a cardboard cutout labelled 'love interest'? I would start by dropping the 'fish' business: Sif has been to earth a bunch of times, she's used to it by now. She doesn't have the same love of earth or it's primitive, stupid inhabitants that Thor does; but she knows how it works. Sif would also not have a secret identity. She knows who she is, and doesn't need or care to cover for anyone else.

Maybe that's why Thor was never able to sell her on staying on earth, because Thor has to be Dr. Blake or whoever, and couldn't have Sif, mighty warrior goddess seen with him. So, she'd have to dress up and pretend to be a nurse, or a mere girl. Kind of demeaning, put like that, and it doesn't sound like as much fun as putting her up at Avengers Mansion, and sending her out on missions. Sif doesn't have, or need, or want, the kind of emotional connection to humanity that would require her to 'Clark Kent' her light under a bushel. But kicking the snot out of Ultron? Try to hold her back. Sif might even be a better Avenger than Thor, since she's full-time, not off 'playing doctor' or whatever Thor does in his off-time.

Short-term, it would also be fun to see Thor react to a newly available Sif. Hercules would hit on her just because he's Hercules and it's his job, and I previously thought it might be a good idea to avoid "Thor's greatest hits," so we would have to see where that went without the traditional Thor-Herc brawl. Actually, I don't think Thor would be uncool to anyone who treated Sif with the proper respect. They would be like an old couple, two people who knew just about everything there was to know about each other, but that aren't together now. Then their relationship could move from there, maybe back together, maybe not.



One last thing? She needs a new costume. Or her Simonson number back. I'm not 100% sure these were the worst costumes she ever had... Read more!

From April 1991, this might as well be from last week.

From Daredevil #291, written by Ann Nocenti, pencilled by Lee Weeks, and inked by Fred Fredericks. Yeah, I don't think I have anything funny to say about this one. Except that the kid, while having many valid points, comes across as such a paranoid whiner that I just want to shake him and scream "USA! USA!" in his face... Read more!

Where does he get such wonderful toys? From the stockholders.

In Batman Begins, Lucius Fox starts out as more of an R&D guy then the business manager he is in the comics. The equipment that would become Bat-stuff is more experimental, and had already been shelved, as they weren't items that would be profitable to mass produce. Bruce taking them would be roughly equivalent to Steve Jobs going down and taking a beta version of last year's iPod for his personal use; or, rather than an iPod, an item that ended up not being made public, like the iWave personal microwave oven.

In the comics, however, Bruce is stealing from his company. A lot. I'm not sure how much of Wayne Industries or WayneTech or WayneBurger is publicly owned, but if I was a stockholder, even if the returns were great, I'd at least be curious about a missing hundred million dollars. I wonder if Bill Gates or Donald Trump ever get reports like that. Except, they wouldn't have to worry about their secret identities, so if an underling brought up the missing cash, they could just explain that it's for their drill to the center of the earth, or new hair, or whatever. Bruce has to play it off like he's a worthless ponce that just doesn't care.

(Don't try to tell me Gates or Trump could have secret id's: Iron Man's mask could never cover Trump's hair. Although, the hair's probably better protection.)

Some of the stolen items work in the context of Batman as Gotham's protector, but not as well for Batman as Justice Leaguer. Grant Morrison had Batman pulling out all kinds of science in JLA, like his homemade transport tube, or the "Sci-Fi Closet." It makes sense: if Batman had access to New God/Thanagarian/Rann technology, he would totally use it. The trouble is, that way lies Brother Eye...

One of the stolen items was a leased crane, so Batman didn't even steal that one directly. I think he needed it for use with the "subway rocket" Az-Bats got a lot of use out of, sort of a Batmobile that used the tunnels. Fair enough, but did you need to keep it? Saving it in case you decide the giant penny would look better on the other side of the Batcave?

(Aside: Did he get the penny back? There was a story with Aquaman not really helping him in recovering it after the Bat-quake. Bat-quake. Yeah, they actually advertised it as that, I swear. And I did find and flip through that Aquaman story: I could've sworn that penny was heavier than 219 pounds.)

What does that kind of loss do inside of a business? Do the people responsible for tracking it down get fired every year, when another jet turbine or skates that pop out of boots or uniform-concealed taser disappears without a trace? (I know Batman doesn't steal every item he uses, a ton more is probably bought through dummy corporations, like the movie again. But it's fun to harp on a point!) Is Lucious in accounting every day, demanding answers, while Bruce plays dumb and pretends to work on his golf swing?

So, it looks like the next villain in the next big Bat-crossover is going to be the Securities and Exchange Commission...

From Batman: Secret Files and Origins #1, "Lost Pages: How Batman gets his equipment" Written by Chuck Dixon, pencilled by Jim Aparo, inks by Tom Palmer.

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I guess Super-Sarcasm is a power now, then.


Since when this comic was made, about the only behind the scenes knowledge anyone had about TV news was probably from the Mary Tyler Moore show; so maybe it didn't seem unusual for Clark to routinely ditch in the middle of a broadcast, whether it was interrupted or not. What am I saying? If your town had a local news anchor that routinely ditched out at the start of sports, mumbling something about a microwave pizza he left on, or hookers waiting on the clock; the networks would probably promote them to national. For all I know, Fox News has a dozen guys that do just that, all with their own conservative book deal.

Although, it does seem Clark has driven his producer/director past the point of hiding his drug habit.

Short one today, I'm tired. More fun tomorrow!

Action Comics #488, "Superman Battles Microwave Man!" Written by Cary Bates, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by Frank Chiaramonte. Read more!

Trash everywhere, punks roaming the streets freely, handy bricks and blunt instruments in the streets...great Rao, it's that Challengers of the Unknown/Double Dragon crossover l wanted! Awesome! From Adventures of Superman #508, "The Future is Now!" Written by Karl Kesel, pencils by Barry Kitson, inks by Ray McCarthy.

Karl Kesel is cool, yet often seems to get the shaft: he's also done some Fantastic Four stuff that really shone, just nailing the way they worked as a family. He also did a short run of Daredevil that was leaning more towards the old Stan Lee party-funtime DD, less the brooding-in-the-graveyard Frank Miller version. Over at DC, he did a ton of the new Superboy stories, even some with Hypertime, both of which are never to be spoken of again in the new continuity.

Unfortunately, while he tells interesting stories in a timely fashion, it seems like Kesel is often called in when time is tight, than replaced but another "hot" writer, or rotated out on editorial changes. Disappointing, but he still gets the job done when he comes in. And he loves him some Challengers of the Unknown, having done more than a couple of guest spots, one-shots, and the Amalgam Challengers of the Fantastic.

Somewhere in blogville, somebody was talking about what a great idea the Challengers are, and how it would translate pretty well to movies or TV. And it probably would've, too, if so much of it hadn't already been stolen/appropriated/'homaged'. Their origin, four strangers who meet after walking away from a plane crash, probably wasn't completely new at the time, but would be hard to do now, as new audiences would scream "Lost rip-off!" and leave before the credits started.

There have been several different incarnations or interpretations of the Challs, and while I enjoyed what I saw of the 90's X-Files-style version, it usually comes back to the Kirby jumpsuit guys, and often leaves them in the 50's or 60's. That's OK: they were of their time, and I like the idea of a different era of heroes at DC. (Post JSA, pre-JLA.) And they'll be back: one of the great things about comics, is that characters can turn up whenever and wherever, and you don't have to worry about the actors getting all old, cranky, or dead.

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This would be almost a "F### Yeah!" moment, except Thor's syntax is a bit unclear there. Read it out loud at work, and you'll see!

Also, the way the last panel is lined up at crotch level, I really hope that when Thor talks about his three hammers, he just means his fists and Mjolnir...

This was right before Roy Thomas started a bunch of business with the High Evolutionary, and the Godpack. And Thor's new costume. Yeah, there's more than one reason everyone always brings up Walt Simonson's Thor run: not only was it a great batch of comics, it's pretty much the best Thor was or ever has been. Even when it was good afterwards, it paled in comparison. And the Godpack? Not so good.

Newsarama had a piece on J.Michael Straczynski taking over Thor, and while some of his recent work hasn't done it for me, some of his ideas here sound interesting. Maybe the way to bring back some of the grandeur and magic of his book is by not doing any of the usual stories for Thor: no fight with Hercules, or the Hulk, or even Loki. (No matter how much we like them!) Keep Thor out of Asgard, the Avengers, space, and mythology. (Don't forget his background in those, though, just don't keep coming back to them for plots!) I don't know if I'd put Thor in Oklahoma, though.

Why not Monte Carlo? For some reason, the idea of Thor trying to do the spy thing appeals to me. Back in Mark Waid's run on Captain America, there was an issue where Cap brings Thor in to smash some Hydra goons, which is just mean, to be honest. The point is, it might not be a bad idea to see Thor outside his usual milieu (ooh, fancy!) but still see that he's Thor there too.

JMS, I'll give you two issues. Better wow me. And Thor being turned into a frog? Probably his finest hour. Believe it.

From Thor Annual #19, "The Flame and the Lightning" Written by Roy Thomas, pencils by Jerry DeCaire, inks by Romeo Tanghal.

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Riddler's probably made the right choice here: Batman will at worst smack him around a bit and cuff him. The Creeper could leave him wrapped in saran wrap and fish oil, with a bright pink bow and the name 'Susan' tattooed on the back of his neck. There's no telling.

Some bloggers have been a little disappointed in the new Creeper series, and I have to admit, I thought the first issue was only ok. I should keep better track of this, but someone (possibly over at Savage Critic?) was disappointed that the old origin, where the Creeper outfit is made out of leftovers at a costume shop, so Jack Ryder could crash a mobster's costume party, was discarded; and he has a point there.

I personally liked the last Creeper series, which I think lasted like 11 issues, including Creeper #One Million, just to really mess up the numbering. Some of the Creeper's origin was altered slightly, under the notion that Jack probably didn't have that great a grip on reality even before he was pumped full of chemicals. But, the series does a good job of showing Jack and Creeper as two warring sides of a personality, trying to learn to live together. I think this was also the first time the Creeper's red boa, or whatever it is, was shown to be a part of him; in this case, weird little psuedopod things. (In the new series, it's a spiky mane of crazy hair.)

Incidentally, the Creeper comic was to coincide with his intro in the Batman cartoon, which was sharp as a tack: mutated and mental from a dip in the same chemicals that created the Joker (only stronger!), Jack/Creeper ransacks a boutique (Ditko's, I think!) for his 'costume': striped speedos and a boa. He asks a bored clerk, "Is this too much?"

"Not for you, baby."

In this particular issue, Jack is doing an interview at Arkham Asylum, of the Joker. Unconsciously, Creeper realizes something is up, and he and the Joker end up starting a riot and taking over the joint. As Batman shows up, Joker and Creeper turn on each other, choosing up teams of inmates ("Dibs on the guy with the face!") and brawling it out. Creeper reveals that he knew the Asylum was about to blow, but by instigating a riot, he prevented an escape. Batman tells him the next time he sees Creeper in Gotham, a room will be waiting at the asylum.

Makes me nostalgic for the old Brave and Bold days, when Batman would team up with a hero or heroine, and be cool about it. None of that 'my city, my way' business both Bats and Superman seem to have in spades now.

From the Creeper #7, "Madhouse" Written by Len Kaminski, pencils by Shawn Martinbrough, inks by Sal Buscema.

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There's a lot of redesigns in What If? comics, and most of them just go to show why the original costume works. And, um, that's about it. Read more!

Huh. Looks like a Corona ad. I was going to load more from this page, with a Dr. Doom redesign that looked like liederhosen. I'll add that later.

Anyway, if the Happenstance was Random before, it's probably only going to be moreso from here on out. I lost about 500 comics to flooding: the waterproof stuff was on the other side of the room...still, plenty left, and most of my favorites made it OK. But, I was pretty disorganized before, and had to rebox and move everything out of the basement, so it's not exactly getting any more coherent.

Today, my father-in-law and I started on finishing the basement. With a lot of stuff either wrecked or moved, now seemed like as good a time as any. Unfortunately, most of today was spent dicking around with the nailgun. I'm not super-handy, but I can usually do OK if I have the right tools; otherwise it's like watching a determined but slightly retarded baboon try to start a fire by banging a tire iron and a can of WD-40 together...yeah, not good.

Anyway, I'll try to keep the posting up. More later.

From What If? Volume 2, #64: What if Iron Man Sold Out?

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I swear, I barely cut this page, but it looks like Johnny and Zarathos are like one panel away from the boniest kiss Marvel had ever seen...

This is from the last issue of this series of Ghost Rider, probably because after this scene it was a bit tense and awkward. I don't want to come down on it before it comes out, but would the Ghost Rider movie be better with or without a scene of Nic Cage making out with a CG flaming skull head? Place your bets!

From "The End of the Ghost Rider!" Script by J.M. DeMatteis, pencils by Bob Budiansky, inks by Dan Bulanadi and Kevin Dzubin. Ghost Rider #81, reprinted in the Original Ghost Rider Rides Again! #7. Sure, I lost like five Marvel Treasury Editions to biohazard water damage, yet I think I still have both of those issues downstairs.

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If I heard anyone, doesn't matter if it's a pirate, ghost, pirate ghost, whatever; say from behind me that they were 'coming aboard,' I would run like all hell too.

From "The Sinister Lives of Captain Skull!," A Spectre story, story by Gardner Fox, art by Murphy Anderson. Reprinted in an Adventure Comics digest.

Short one today, since I'm still assessing the damage. My Toyfare collection took a pretty big hit, and an old box of Wizard took one for the team. I do remember cursing that Skrull Kill Krew was wrecked, but wasn't that a better idea than it was a comic, really? One of the Black Widow miniseries with Yelena, Blaze of Glory, some of my Static issues...Later I have to go back through my list and note the cover price of everything. We'll see what else was destroyed, and what I'm missing more than others.

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My skull! The helmet does nothing!

From Warlord #48, "Dragon of Ice" Written and illustrated by Mike Grell, inks by Vince Colletta. A fifty-cent issue, with a bonus Arak insert and the return of Claw.

One of the things that the Warlord comic used to do well, that probably couldn't be done as easily today with three-dollar comics, is have a larger quest-storyline, that could be sidetracked into little single-issue stories. (To be fair, this may just read better because I didn't have to wait a month between issues reading this.) In this issue, Travis Morgan and Shakira are trying to find his daughter Jenny, believed to be lost in the Land of Shadow.

On their way, they run across a village. Shakira declares, "Huts of mud and hearts of stone. About what you'd expect in a place where man gathers his numbers." Morgan defends the people, but Shakira points out that they're about to sacrifice a hot blonde to some pagan god or something. Judging from the looks of the villagers, if they're willing to give her up, the village's name is 'Sausagefest.'

In a righteous fury, Morgan caps the head priest, and smites a few of the villagers for good measure. The girl wakes up with a surprisingly comical expression, the dead priest slumped over her. Morgan declares that the girl is now under her protection, and Shakira just sits back smirking and lets the 'sacrifice' clock Morgan in the back of the head. She was a true believer, and regroups the villagers with Morgan lined up to be the new sacrifice to the 'ice dragon.'

Changing into her 'fur coat' cat-form, Shakira gets Morgan's pistol, and ventilates the girl, and some more villagers. Morgan asks how she learned how to do that, and she blows him off: "I've watched you often enough. It's not as hard as you'd have people believe." Freeing him, the remaining villagers flee, as the ice dragon arrives...preceded by the Arak insert. Hey, Ernie Colon art!

Seeing a large shape coming through the ocean fog, Morgan and Shakira are about to split too, but then they see the 'ice dragon' is a viking ship. "These men sailed north and were caught in a winter storm...it must have become trapped in a coastal current that kept it returning to this spot, time and again. And each time it came, through all those centuries, someone died here." Morgan overturns the altar, but Shakira points out that won't change anything.

Meanwhile, taken in by medieval butler Faaldren to a castle, Jenny has a creepy interlude involving a bath and a giant handprint...I mention this only because it ties back in to the larger quest, the visual is good and unsettling, and because in its later years, Warlord could on occasion have like four subplots running at once, leaving about ten pages for the main storyline. Worked about as well as you'd think.

So, what have we learned this issue?

A. Vikings are still adding to their death toll to this day, which is actually kind of impressive.

B. Gunplay is fun and easy! Try some today!

C. Saving a hot blonde from human sacrifice doesn't automatically mean you're going to score some nookie. In fact, she may even be in on the whole thing. Better let them sacrifice her, just to be safe.

(In other words, my basement flooded yesterday, and I had to sort out a lot of the damage today. Lots of my comics are in plastic tubs, and even more are on blocks or shelves off the ground, but a lot weren't. Who will blog about the Minx now?

No one. No one will.

More later this week. Wish me luck!)

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08-28-2006 09;17;35PM, originally uploaded by googum.

Personal crisis today, involving flooding, fecal matter, and a locked bathroom to boot. Come back tomorrow!

From "The Fury of the Freak!" Written by Stan Lee, pencilled by Adam Austin, inked by Gary Michaels. Reprinted in Marvel Super-Heroes! #29.

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Oh, the aliens have about 90 other ways to wreck buildings: they just like the buzzsaw.

Well, it's at least thoughtful of the aliens to attack on a holiday, although it doesn't look good for the tiny cars there...the art in this one's great, but even by golden age standards, the science is just spirals in and catches fire going down. (For example, I'm pretty sure you can't walk on a white dwarf star.) And the buzzsaw's only in a few panels!

Anyway, have a happy holiday. More nonsense later.

From "Secret of the Flying Buzzsaw!" Story by Gardner Fox, art by Russ Heath, reprinted in Super DC Giant Presents Strange Flying Saucers Adventures #27. Whew!

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Sometimes, I wish I could pull out a list, like for Previews, of all the books that came out, say, December 1978; so I could see if, oh, Fantastic Four really was 'The World's Greatest Comic Magazine' for that month. I'm pretty sure World's Finest was often an exaggeration, though.

Today we've got World's Finest #254, "Whom Gods would Destroy!" Story by Bob Haney, art by George Tuska and Vince Colletta. The cover by Jim Aparo shows promise: Sinestro, perennial Green Lantern villain, blasting Superman with his power ring; while Supes exhorts a sweaty-looking Batman to "Wake up...or your nightmare of Sinestro destroying the world will come true!" And then inside, Batman is chasing down a Col. Sander's looking scientist, who babbles like a loon, and Batman blacks out.

This is what we call, 'coming down.' Try to relax.

Batman lies down for a little nappy-nap in what appears to be a cobblestone alley, with loose bricks. Urban renewal was a ways away, I guess. He dreams of Sinestro fighting Superman, which is:
A. Weird.
B. Weird, but not creepy weird, thank God.
C. Geez, I think I've dreamed that, after watching Super Friends and mainlining Quik. I miss college.
D. Probably a vacation, after dreaming about his parents' murders for like 30 years.

The scene shifts entirely to Superman, as Sinestro "has just sent every heavy plate glass window in every skyscraper in Metropolis, USA, tumbling down like a billion guillotines towards the throngs below!" And Superman tells himself, "Get off your Super-butt! Do something--!" I'm probably not qualified to judge, but is it a 'Super-butt'? I hope he refers to everything as super, from super-hands to super-feet...man, that's weird.

At super-speed, Supes smashes all the glass into powder...this is one of those things that Superman 'fixes,' and when I say 'fixes,' I mean 'doesn't outright destroy, but leaves in a seriously precarious state.' Several bloggers pointed out in Infinite Crisis, I believe Supes stops a building from tipping over and rights it, then leaves...leaves an assload of structural damage and shattered foundation. Yes, powdered glass would be safer than billions of razor-sharp shards, but...

Oh, sweet Jeebus. What could be better than powdered glass in your eyes? Why not let your kid play in it! Stick out your tongue and catch it! Officer 'Blazes' has a point: I think several tons of powdered glass would indeed keep the crooks at home for a while.

Sinestro seems confused here. After all, all the times he fought Green Lantern, GL never stopped him from destroying Coast City by destroying it first. He leaves in a Spaceman Spiff-looking rocket, presumably made by his power ring, but who knows at this point. Superman starts taking fistfuls of the 'glass snow,' zapping it with his heat vision, and replacing the windows. You might as well replace "glass snow" with "magic dust" or "lobster farts." Same difference.

Batman wakes up, figuring his 'vision of something crazy happening in Metropolis" up to fatigue. Look, Batman, I once was so hungover, I thought a Godzilla marathon on TNT was on CNN; and even that pales in comparison to this. You're not tired. Get help.

Before he can take in the babbling doctor, a carful of goons show up; but even a tired Batman can take out four or five armed thugs. But, as the chapter ends, a sniper takes aim at Batman's back, following orders to kill the doctor rather than lose him. He also plans on killing Batman, but wouldn't they be able to get the doctor back after shooting Batman? Well, when you have a gun already in hand, it probably wouldn't occur to you.


Oh, Great Rao, I'm only on page 8 of this one...sigh. The sniper fires twice, and Batman goes down, dropping the doctor. In the very next panel, Batman, carrying the doctor again, does a standing high jump of at least six feet straight up and over a fence. "Impossible!" exclaims the sniper, and I'm inclined to agree. Batman explains that he had been wearing a bulletproof vest under his costume: I'll grant him walking off being shot twice, since hey, it's Batman. But that jump, carrying another man and with bruised ribs...look, my suspension of disbelief is strong enough to accept two different kinds of aliens and the rest of the insanity in this story. It's not strong enough to do that carrying the doctor.

Letting that go: Batman takes the doctor back to his Batcave, the seventies one that was under the Wayne Foundation building. Hey, is that one still there? Out of nowhere, Batman thinks that it was risky to bring the doctor, Willard, here, since he
knows Batman and Bruce Wayne are the same man! And, right on top of that bombshell, Batman asks the doctor the whereabouts of the brain of Gorilla Boss Dyke! Willard says, aliens took it.

Now that's good crazy: if we had gotten All-Star Batman from Grant Morrison, we might be close to this territory.

And now comes the infodump: when criminal Boss Dyke was executed, Dr. Willard transplanted his brain into a gorilla, although the art isn't clear if it was normal-sized or giant. Dyke's plan was to capture Batman and steal his body, but he fell to his death, like all giant apes. Seriously. If my brain ended up in King Kong, Donkey Kong, whatever, I wouldn't even stand on top of a chair. This is footnoted to Batman #75, listed on GCD as February-March 1953. It may have been reprinted in one of those gorilla specials DC loves.

More recently, World's Finest#251 to be precise; in a plot involving chlorophyll-stealing aliens, Dyke's brain ended up in Batman's body briefly, before Batman was restored and "Willard escaped with the brain of Gorilla Boss." Well, if he's just a brain in a mason jar, he's not really 'Gorilla' Boss, is he? He's just plain old Boss Dyke. Heh, Boss Dyke in Batman's body. Yet another sentence you thought you'd never see, huh? And let the misdirected traffic roll on in...


Oh, hell with this. Let's go back to Sinestro vs. Superman for a minute. Sinestro is still wrecking Metropolis, and Superman thinks that he could use his 'unlimited willpower' (and 'super-modesty') to overwhelm Sinestro's beam, but that would cause even more destruction. Supes is forced to let up, giving the gloating Sinestro more opportunities for demolition, like cutting a bridge in half.

To save cars thrown into the water, Superman has to first "blow a giant bubble of super-breath", then he locks the cars' bumpers together into a chain that he drags to safety. That's like three panels of super-feats that make super-ventriloquism or super-kiss-make-Lois-forget seem completely reasonable in comparison. I don't know much about fluid dynamics, but I know even four cars welded together wouldn't hold up as a chain. Rrr. Let's go back to Batman.

Batman's right there with us, however: he has another blackout, and again sees Superman and Sinestro fighting. He uses a 'neuroserum' to get Willard coherent enough to talk: apparently tired of hiding out, Willard had taken Boss Dyke's brain for a walk in the park, and aliens stole it, doing a number on Willard's own brain in the process. What...why...ok, give me a second here: why did Willard have the brain with him? Well, maybe he didn't feel anyone else could be trusted with it, and he really needed that sunshine to combat his seasonal affective disorder. OK, but what did he keep the brain in? A baby carriage? A Saks Fifth Avenue bag? A turban on top of his own head?

Investigating the scene of the abduction, or would it be theft at this point? Batman, with Willard in tow, notices a bum with a newspaper over his face, and the headline "Metropolis Beseiged Sinestro Outpowers Superman" Maybe the other words or puncuation were too small or cut off. Bigger fish to fry here: Just like in All-Star Batman, events in Metropolis and Gotham City seem to occuring concurrently, yet with enough time for the print media to report on them.

Batman realizes his flashes are actually happening, just in time to get shot. Again. This time, by a guy on a merry-go-round, which would've been quite the coup, if the would-be killer hadn't just nicked Batman's shoulder, then gotten his skull cracked by a batarang. I think Batman broke out the heavy batarang for this guy, it looks about a foot across. I have no idea, how Batman would've made that throw, hitting a guy ducking down behind a horse (like a cowboy in a good western, the guy had skills!) on a moving carosel. Technically, I don't think we see the carosel is moving, but we don't see a lot of background, and we've only seen four people in this park at all. (That would be Batman, Willard, the bum with the newspaper, and the gunman.)

Batman checks the scorch marks of the 'aliens,' and they show as pure yellow on the spectrum analysis. Uh, all right...he realizes Sinestro staged the aliens with his ring, to confuse the issue. Batman realizes Boss Dyke's brain is connected with the fights in Metropolis, and since that brain was once in Batman's head, residual cells must be causing the flashes.

Back in Metropolis, Sinestro releases radioactive steam from a nuclear plant, which Supes then has to eat; then creates a yellow shield over the city that even Superman couldn't penetrate...and maybe a DC historian could tell me what the hell Green Lantern was up to this month. Batman contacts Superman and sends him into space.

Batman somehow uses his residual-link to give directions ("Um...space.") and Supes finds Boss Dyke's brain, which Sinestro has enlarged to planet-size, to use as a "reservoir of will to draw on...!"

Despite being forsworn from taking life, Superman treats the brain like a tumor, and x-rays it to death. Then, he punches Sinestro's ass back to the anti-matter dimension of Qward, which isn't an explosion of positive and negative matter, but more of an inconvenience for him by now.

Superman is glad to have the usual problems back again, and Batman notes that with Willard hopelessly insane (but luckily not scarred, which means he won't escape Arkham) and Boss Dyke's brain destroyed, "Superman and I had our hands full on this amazing adventure, but we never even met!" Take that, Seven Soldiers!

Holy hell, there's at least eighteen kinds of crazy in that story. But, there is some charm to it. Where else but in comics, can a mob boss have a story arc that goes from brain-transplanted-into-gorilla, to pawn-in-alien-chrorophyll-theft to brain-grown-to-planet-size-used-as-will-battery? Nowhere, that's where. And everything is summed up nicely, so even if you didn't have all the back issues, or experience with DC's gorilla fixation, they brought you up to speed.

Plus, I bought this issue for a quarter, yet I had to devote several hours to posting about it. And that's just the opening story, there's four other features in there, including Green Arrow blowing up the Arrowcar, and a Ditko Creeper tale. Can't say I didn't get my money's worth.
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Because...Chris Claremont demanded it, apparently; the matchup you never thought you would ever think about possibly maybe seeing: Sue Richards, the Invisible Woman, sparring with Iron Fist. I think this scene was intended to show that Sue is a strong, not-to-be-taken lightly woman, a tough mother. And she is using some of her forcefield powers, to create an invisible bo staff to beat Danny with.

Shortly after this scene, Danny unleashes the Iron Fist on Sue, a punch that could probably knock over my house, knocking her across a room. Using her forcefield, Sue quite literally laughs it off, as a wild ride. Yeah, because if someone took a swipe at me that could've reduced me to a red smear, but missed, that would all be in good fun.

Now, I'm not a kung-fu master (gasp!) but it seems to me, if your sensei or instructor or master can teach you enough to kick his ass in a couple weeks; he's either the best teacher ever, or a bit crap himself. This scene wasn't a bad idea: Sue training herself to be prepared for any situation she might face as a member of the Fantastic Four, that would be a reasonable precaution. (Although, using her force-field powers in such a situation seems like a cheat: would you need to fight someone hand-to-hand, if you could put a forcefield around them? Shouldn't she train without her powers?) Sue getting the skills to slap Iron Fist, probably the number two martial artist in the Marvel Universe? That seems unreasonable, and it makes Fist look like a goober.

Moreover, I'm not the biggest Iron Fist fan ever, but I don't think he would've used "the ultimate expression of his fighting skills," or whatever purple prose is attached to his Iron Fist technique, in a sparring match, with a student. Maybe Sue kept making fun of his slippers, or his sash.

And Danny's sash trails out like four or five feet, at least, in that shot. It wouldn't just be a hazard in combat, he could be killed by an escalator.

I cut it off there, but it looks like She-Hulk, Misty Knight, and Power Man all turned out to check out Fist getting his ass handed to him. And people wonder why he wasn't in the New Avengers.

Chris Claremont (Script), Salvador Larroca (Pencils), Art Thibert (Inks), "April is the Cruelest Month" Fantastic Four #6. (1998)

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Could Ben Grimm outfly Hal Jordan? Does 'Hell' go with 'Yeah'?

And that's why Ben is a better pilot than that prettyboy Jordan at DC: he doesn't need a fancy-nancy ring to do his flying. From Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four #4, "His Latest Flame", written by Jeff Parker, pencilled by Juan Santacruz, inked by Raul Fernandez. I got this as part of a collection at Target, clearanced to $1.49; and absolutely worth it, especially as an intro to Jeff Parker, who is currently writing Agents of Atlas.

Here's a thought, that I may have had before, but DC's the New Frontier had a good example of it: the last issue has most of the silver age DC characters that were pilots, together in battle: the Blackhawks, Ace Morgan of the Challengers of the Unknown, Larry "Negative Man" Trainor of the Doom Patrol, Captain Nathaniel "Atom" Adam, and Hal "Headwound" Jordan. Oh, all right, he's Green Lantern and you know it. Lots of pilots, but at the start of the 60's, that was a pimp job.

Over at Marvel, there's fewer pilots, but still Ben Grimm, Carol "Warbird/Binary/Ms. Marvel" Danvers, Jim "War Machine" Rhodes...John "Man-Wolf" Jameson was an astronaut, but he was Captain America's pilot for a stretch of issues, so we'll count him. Not as many, but a good batch.

There's a few careers with a lot of overlap for superheroes, like reporters, or circus performers. Seriously, lots of circus folk: acrobats like Nightwing, Nightcrawler, and Deadman; strongmen like the Blob or the Hulk (from Avengers #1!), performers like Hawkeye and Mr. Miracle and Ghost Rider. Then you've got your general evil circus, whether name brand like the Ringmaster's Circus of Crime; or just cranked out for a story, like Mesmero's circus in X-Men, or the freakshow in Starman. (If you see a freakshow in comics, there will be evil either there or around. Guar-an-teed.)

I swear, I saw R'as Al Ghul with an evil circus once. Maybe that's why the circus is in decline in America: too many evil ones. If I go to the circus, I'd be expecting to see at least a couple super-heroes, an evil/possessed/extorted ringmaster, and/or hypnosis.

And, as expected for me and this site, I can just see the point of all this fading off into the distance back there. What jobs can you think of that have been held by several super-heroes? Doctor? Lawyer? Indian Chief? Hell, there probably have been more than a few of all of those. Try "millionaire playboy" and I bet you could almost run out of fingers.

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Reed, you tool.

And I always thought all those times Reed made Ben lug around several tons of Kirbytech machines all day were bad...

From Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four #5, "Shortcut", written by Jeff Parker, pencils by Manuel Garcia, inks by Scott Koblish. Just one more, to make up for the, um, 6-post disaster of earlier. Quantity is job #1!

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I'm not advocating this sort of thing, but Kitty totally had that coming.

Besides, Kitty's got like, um, ninja training. Probably walked it right off. Ahem. Hey, I think this is Wolverine's first appearance in this blog! (No, it's not.) Ok, I was probably more excited by the Dr. Bong appearance in this issue, but even so. And I don't know if anyone's ever explained any reason, at all, metatext or otherwise, for Deadpool's yellow word balloons; but I would love to talk with those.

From Deadpool #27, "It's a Barbarian Bunny--Busty Broad Bonanza in my Brainpan--and I'm the only one Invited!" 'Dr. (Joe) Kelly' writing, 'Dr. (Walter) McDaniel' and 'Dr. McFarland' on art. As part of the therapy for his hallucinations, Deadpool needs to talk, and fight, it out. But he needs someone who'll give him a good fight, someone who can take it, possibly someone not completely sane himself: Wolverine. As you can see above, Logan wasn't in a fighty mood when 'Pool catches up with him, so he uses Kitty as a little incentive. Mayhem, comedy, therapy, and stabbing insues.

Dear Marvel,
Despite all my harshing, bitching, and pointing of fingers at Civil War, I've still been very good this year; and I would like Essential Deadpool. All of Joe Kelly's run on the book, plus Baby's First Deadpool Book, Daredevil/Deadpool, Deadpool/Death, and the Deadpool/Widdle Wade special. (The titles may be a little off on those, so look up Deadpool yourself!) Sure, the last issue of his run kind of tanks, but you told Kelly the book was being cancelled, then told him it wasn't after he wrote it and got another job, so I blame you. Oops. Anyway, Essential Deadpool by Christmas, please.
xxoo,
googum
P.S. And Deadpool #0, possibly the best promo comic ever. Cut the issue with Deathtrap if you have to.

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And to think, Diana used to be the secretary...

In the course of this issue, Superman gets asskicked and dumped in the ocean, Flash gets taken out, Green Lantern tags out to stay with his buddy Flash in case this is "the end," Batman seriously doubts in his own abilities; and while I don't have the issue in front of me, I would bet a quarter that Red Tornado gets smacked around a little. It's his job.

Wonder Woman is the only Justice Leaguer in this issue to be consistently competent, heroic, and clear-headed. She shows concern without completely wigging out, and saves Superman here...actually, now that I think about it, it's not like he'd drown, is it? At this point, Supes is either dead or he's not, right? Well, this is probably why I'm not an EMT or anything.

Also, the invisible jet just seems...right, in this panel. Like Diana shouldn't have to fly around under her own power, like that would be beneath her. Maybe. Maybe not, though.

(Having serious photo-posting issues the last day or so. And now that I look at the panel today, it's a bit low-res, but I need to see if anything works...so it'll probably post six times.)

(Edit: The issue was Justice League of America #170, "While a World Lies Burning!" Written by Gerry Conway, pencils by Dick Dillin, inks by Frank McLaughlin. And I did manage to get this posted six times this afternoon...suck. More nonsense shortly!)

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Because even a B-list creation of Jack Kirby beats a lot of people's A-game. 'Nuff said.

From the Demon #13, "The Night of the Demon!" Written, drawn, edited by Jack Kirby, lettered and inked by Mike Royer. My copy's coverless and looks like the Demon himself read it, but I'm glad to have it.

In other news, a tag from Dr. Sordid of the Word on the Street! His site is pretty much the only calendar you'll ever need. Go now! I don't know who started this one, but here goes:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people.

"What's more, it didn't even look scratched. A.I.M. deserved its reputation for excellence, he conceded reluctantly. What was the stupid thing made out of anyway?

"He floated several yards away from the inert torpedo, facing it."

Yeah, I took rule#5 to heart there...I was going to reread Iron Man: the Armor Trap, by Greg Cox, on the beach; but I consider my kids as drowning hazards until they're 28, so probably no beach reading, airport reading, reading reading until then. Still, I quite enjoyed the Marvel novels, and it's a good little Iron Man tale guest-starring War Machine and thankfully without legislation of any kind.

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Waverider? More like Cockblocker.

Comics have no shortage of alternate reality, possible future, or 'imaginary' stories. Sometimes, they're just a fun look at what could happen; sometimes they're an excuse to messily kill your lead character/golden goose and get away with it. And sometimes they're like watching preseason football: the A-list players sit this one out, and even though a whole lot can happen, it doesn't mean anything in the end. Case in point: Flash Annual #4, "Family Business" Written by Mark Waid, pencils by Craig Brasfield, inks by Andrew Pepoy, with a cover by the great Mike Parobeck--with Burchett! I believe this was before Waid's run on the regular Flash book, in fact, before Kingdom Come and every other big thing he's done. This was part of Armageddon 2001, DC's Annual event for 1991. The overlying plot was, in the year 2030, the future was ruled by fallen hero Monarch. A scientist gains time-travel powers, takes the name Waverider, and travels back to 1991 to try to find the hero who would go evil...long story short, it was supposed to be Captain Atom, and ended up being Hawk, of Hawk and Dove. (Yeah, I know. Try not to think about it.) The point is, Waverider would touch a hero, and get a look at their future. And this being the Flash's annual, it was his turn, and Waverider catches up to Wally at Keystone City's Flash Day. Flash is signing autographs, when he is approached by a young woman who introduces herself as Bonnie Blackmon. Since Wally was portrayed as a bit of a horndog back then, he's willing to hear her out, and Waverider touches Flash at that moment. Jump forward to the far-flung future of August 31, 2001: Wally's life has completely changed. He's married to Bonnie, and they have a son David. They live in Flagstaff, Arizona, under the name Edwards, and he hasn't been the Flash for nine years. In short order, David uses his superspeed to save a young girl from being hit by a bus. However, David has inherited Wally's speed but not the aura that protects him from friction and other effects, and is badly hurt. Wally races him to the hospital, but a scar-faced man has seen all of this. Bonnie takes a moment to fill the reader in on the last ten years: While working for Diogenes Industries, she discovered papers proving that she was working for "the biggest syndicate boss in the midwest." With a filing system that couldn't be beat, since she found it in a filing cabinet, in the main office, with a coffee pot on top of it. Diogenes (and I'm not sure why the name, since Diogenes was a philosopher--consult your local library or something!) had the ability to see a person's inner thoughts and secrets at a touch, and with his son was able to build a crime empire. He puts together an army of Flash's enemies (but who doesn't?) but Bonnie and Wally still manage to have him put away. Unfortunately, Diogenes touches them both at the trial, and is able to keep coming after them. On their wedding day, Wally's mother is killed, but no one liked her anyway. Forced into witness protection, Wally retires as the Flash, planning to return, but after the birth of their son, he stays retired. Diogenes still seeks revenge on the Flash, and power for his son. The scar-faced man was Leonard Snart, better known as Captain Cold. With his information, the usual evil plan is put into motion: David kidnapped, old villains set up like bosses in Final Fight, Flash called out of retirement. The villains are each given a secret weapon to steal Flash's speed, and a posthypnotic suggestion to send Flash to the next boss: Weather Wizard, Sloe, Steddy, and Mr. Sprynt, Rainbow Raider, Golden Glider and Chillblaine, and Paradox. Kind of like Spider-Man, it's getting to the point where one villain can't just attack Flash, it has to be like forty. Man, when Weather Wizard is the best villain you can call in, I can see why you call in more guys. I think Waid introduced Sloe, Steddy, Sprynt, Chillblaine, and Paradox here; and Chillblaine's the only one I recall as ever returning, since it's not a bad idea: Glider gives her boytoys her brother's cold gun tech. "This one's number six." By the end of the gauntlet, Wally's speed is drained, and he arrives at Diogene's in plainclothes. Diogenes plans to give his son superspeed, but since he lacks the "right genetic makeup" his son is turned into an ancient corpse, then Diogenes dies himself. Wally's then able to have his speed--and his aura--given to his son. Or, that's how the future could've gone down, if Waverider's touch hadn't distracted Wally. Diogenes' son is able to sweep Bonnie away, either back to work for him or to a shallow grave in the Meadowlands. In the regular continuity, Wally and Bonnie never meet, David is never born, Diogenes is never heard from again, and Waverider's a total blocker.

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08-27-2006 08;54;01PM

Waverider, like the Watchers over at Marvel, apparently never heard of the theory that observing an event can affect that event. After all, he would touch Superman and Batman--who had more than one annual--more than once and get different answers. Also, I'm not sure if there was any coordination, at all, among the creative teams for these annuals. So, you had different futures for different characters in each one, but also the technology of 2001 looks different each annual as well. I don't think any had flying cars, but I didn't read every one.

Overall, Armageddon: 2001 was an interesting idea, with spotty execution. Just like the real future.

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Sure, Kyle replaces the whole stupid planet, and you anti-Pluto ingrates don't appreciate it.

From Green Lantern: Our Worlds at War #1, "The Past's Face-Power's Future" Written by Judd Winick, pencils by Dale Eaglesham, inks by Rodney Ramos and Rob Leigh. This wasn't quite the comic I was thinking of: I was pretty sure there was a Superman issue, setting up the Our Worlds at War crossover, where the heroes realize Pluto is missing; and the general reaction is, meh. Just like to the rest of this crossover! This was from August 2001, and I'm not sure how, but I pretty much dodged the OWaW draft from DC Comics. I fished this issue out of a quarter box some time back.

Kyle is musing recent odd events in his superhero career, like the fairy tale queen in JLA and Effigy in his own book; when he gets a call from Superman. So, instead of spending the afternoon with girlfriend/new GL Jade, Kyle has to go replace the missing Pluto. This is one of those science things that seems reasonable enough in comics, but would you really have to replace Pluto if some aliens stole it? Would it mess up gravity and the orbits of the planets if it was gone? I don't really think so, but I admit that's a guess. I'm curious, but I don't want to do the math. Like Captain Kirk: I don't want or need a degree in astrophysics, I just want Spock to tell me, hit the high notes.

(Sidebar: I'm sure someone's pointed this out before, but it just struck me how immature Captain Kirk is, yet we all really want to be him. We all want Spock to take care of our science and math. Taking care of the ship, Scotty. Driving, Sulu. Medical, McCoy. Hell, Kirk doesn't even have to answer the phone or make his own calls, he's got Uhura all over that. All Kirk has to do is give orders, watch the big screen, and bag green women. That's oversimplifying to make a point, and I love Star Trek like kids love Christmas, so just a thought.)

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See, this is why Batman puts you at the kids' table, Kyle.

To be honest, Kyle looks like he's having a ton of fun: he makes a batch of ring-generated space cowboys to herd "a quarter of an asteroid belt" into a placeholder for Pluto. Wait, I'm not sure where he found the asteroids, but wouldn't moving them from the belt between Mars and Jupiter affect gravity more than the loss of Pluto?

Also, I don't know what those asteroids are made out of, but suppose they were iron ore, or something else that future man might conceivably need? I can picture that exhibit at the Space Museum: "...and, with the loss of a small planet's worth of iron ore, Earth was several space cruisers short, and Antares conquered and held the planet for 300 years. Even today, Green Lanterns are still outlawed on Earth, and the name 'Kyle' is still one of the worst of schoolyard insults."

Anyway, GL also doesn't seem to be working especially hard to move all that rock. But, once done, he doesn't get a lot of time to enjoy his handiwork. The long dead Sinestro calls Kyle out, "Leave before I am forced to remove you." Kyle is suprised: "Surprised at how much you remind me of Mr. Spock. But with a real severe tan."

Of course, the two start in on each other with their rings, and you would think Sinestro would have the handicap: Kyle's ring works on yellow, Hal's didn't. Kyle knows Sinestro's A-list, and wants to show he can beat him, then worry about what he's doing there later. Sinestro thinks Kyle is a poser: "Jordan was a selected member of the Corps! What are you?"

The fight starts to go badly for Kyle, when he realizes Sinestro's energy doesn't feel like ring created constructs. Then Kyle starts to ramp up his power--the start of his initial transformation to Ion--and rallies over Sinestro. Just in time for Superman to tell him to stop. Kyle doesn't buy it, probably because he shouldn't be able to hear Superman talk in space, eh? Or maybe he's just too mad to quit.

Then Ganthet, then-last of the Guardians, shows up to tell Kyle to stop. The fake Superman and presumably fake Sinestro have disappeared, and Ganthet tells Kyle answers will be revealed later, and to go home. With everyone gone, Kyle leaves; unaware that Pluto is still there, tricked out into the new Warworld or something. I don't know who the 'big bad' for this one was, he looks like Brainiac 13. Robot in biker shorts, ooh, scary.

Jade comes home to find Kyle waiting for her, and they talk about what happened out in space. Kyle also shows her that his powers are growing or changing: he reads a closed book on his bookshelf via ring, then creates several Kyle-constructs. He's starting to worry that his power is getting too much, but Jade knows Kyle's just too good to go bad. I never had a problem with Jade: like all-too-many characters, she could be written really well, or completely wrong. But, luckily I was able to find this issue, for a little memorial to Pluto, which will always be a planet, in my heart. Sniff!

Again, I didn't read a lot of Our Worlds at War. I know a lot of characters like Guy Gardner and Aquaman were supposedly killed in it, but got better pretty easily; while others like Hippolyta (Wonder Woman's mom) was killed and stayed dead. (And maybe just her, in this crossover.) DC does that sometimes: killing off characters, figuring no one wants them anymore, then having to backtrack to fix it. Or just ignoring the death entirely. For example, the Mark Shaw Manhunter and the Creeper were both 'killed' in Eclipso: the Manhunter was a sub, and Creeper got better. If you can think of any others, let me know!

(Also, I'm splitting this post between today and the first part 'tomorrow', partly because of the pictures, but also because I may be busy tomorrow. Have a good weekend!)

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Well, Germany's most hated after Hitler, Mengele, the Red Skull, Baron Strucker, the Iron Major...

Thanks again to Jeff for the link to the old record for this issue, an audio adaptation of Captain America and the Falcon #168, "...And a Phoenix Shall Arise!" Written by Roy Thomas and Tony Isabella, art by Sal Buscema, inks by Tartag and Roussos. Oddly, and I could very well be wrong about this but don't have the time to look it up right now, but I'm not sure this has ever been reprinted.

The story opens with Cap and the Falcon on nighttime patrol, and even the narration has to admit, "No less than a baker's dozen of their most harrowing adventures must have begun in just this way..." Cap's on his man-out-of-time bit yet again, a plot point even Stan Lee got tired of. Luckily, our villain obligingly attacks before Cap can eat up more pages on that. The Phoenix (a few years before Jean Grey took up the name!) opens fire with his snazzy death-ray, and gives a standard villain rant about getting his vengeance. Only Cap and Falc have never seen this guy before.

Since Phoenix seems only concerned with killing Cap, Falcon's able to get a shot in, but Phoenix doesn't go down easy. He would've finished Falcon off, except his death-ray ran out of juice, so he escapes, promising a rematch "Perhaps tomorrow!" Now it's Falcon's turn for moping, that he's not pulling his weight as a sidekick. I dunno, Sam: attracting enemy gunfire, check. Getting beat up and endangered, check. Making the hero feel worthwhile by needing his help, double-check. Sounds like an A+ sidekick there.

Cap and Falc are convinced Phoenix is someone they've previously fought, or know somehow. Not Ditko fans, I guess. Cap muses that he had "more arch-enemies than most people have relatives!" then goes through three and stops: the Red Skull, the very dead Baron Zemo, and Solarr. I can see why they'd want to introduce a new villain, because Cap's rouge gallery is looking a little thin here. The next night, Cap meets up with Falcon, then gives him the brush-off, saying he hasn't been any help.

Cap searches the city for the Phoenix, and finally comes across a guy running like hell, after an attack from "some costumed nut." Cap has the victim point him to his attacker, the Phoenix. Cap smashes him, quite literally: sound effect, SMASH! And the Phoenix was a robot decoy. The 'victim' actually was the Phoenix--unmasked, Cap didn't recognize him--and the decoy was full of gas. Man, I totally want a decoy now.

Scene change to Phoenix and his evil warehouse hideout, where he has Cap chained to a table over a vat of boiling Adhesive X. Guh, what a crappy brand name. I mean, it's not like Xerox or Post-it, is it? Maybe something like Stuck-oh or Burnyglue or Thatsnotf***ingoinanywhere. Look, I'm not in advertising, but Adhesive X isn't great. Still, Cap recognizes it as Baron Zemo's invention, but Phoenix is too young to be him. He's his son, Helmut, although he doesn't get a first name this appearance.

Also, since on the sliding scale of Marvel Time, Cap wasn't revived in 1963 but probably more like ten years ago. Which then means Helmut's either pretty old--as in, born before WWII, if he remembers his dad Heinrich getting his mask glued to his head; or he could very well have some technological means of slowing his aging. I suppose Helmut could've been born later, but that would involve Heinrich fathering him with a bag glued to his face...

Phoenix tells Cap about how great his dad was, like the bestest Nazi scientist ever! The elder Baron Zemo had invented a hand-held laser weapon in the 40's, and the aforementioned Adhesive X, a glue that "once applied, nothing could remove it!" While that sounds silly, I suppose if you had a glue so strong you could build tanks using it, that would be something. Something hideously unsafe, yeah, but something.

Since American newspapers called the laser a 'death-ray,' Phoenix notes that 'propaganda' made his father "the most hated man in Germany!" (Yeah, ok, we know you're proud of your dad, but that's just not true.) Zemo had taken to wearing a mask, although I'm not exactly sure how that was going to help. Even in the Marvel U. during WWII, there weren't that many masked Nazis. Couple dozen, tops. The mask pretty much just singled him out for Cap's attention, who ends up smashing a tank of Adhesive X over Zemo, who ends up with his mask glued to his head forever. (From an old Marvel Handbook, I believe Zemo had to be fed intravenously for the rest of his life.) Lashing out at his family, the Baron soon disappeared, and his wife died shortly thereafter, leaving Helmut alone.

Now the continuity is a little dicey here: Phoenix makes a living on his scientific knowledge, until he sees the headlines of Cap's return. Returning to Castle Zemo, he recreates his father's death-ray and Adhesive X. But, the original Baron Zemo was killed shortly after Cap's return, and Phoenix had already been working on his revenge. Busiek would straighten this out a bit in Thunderbolts, as I would've thought they would try to get in touch to get revenge together. Cue "Cat's in the Cradle." Or don't.

Either way, Zemo is about to dump Cap into the Adhesive X, when Falcon and Redwing smash through the skylight that all warehouses have. Sam totally knew Cap was just trying to get him out of harm's way, but with his bird running interference, Falcon's beating Phoenix pretty handily. In fact, the beating is getting so bad, Cap feels bad for the "misguided fool still fighting World War II!" He manages to get loose, and stops the Falcon from further thrashing Zemo.

Phoenix takes this opportunity to try to kill them both with Cap's own shield. I applaud thinking big, but I have no idea how the hell he thought that was going to work. It would be like trying to stop two people by throwing a manhole cover at them: you might get lucky and get one, but even that's pushing it. And he manages to miss Cap and Falcon both, and boomerang it back into himself. Again, no idea: Cap's shield doesn't naturally return or rebound, Cap has to bounce it off things or put a helluva lot of spin on it. But, Zemo goes into the tank of Adhesive X.

Cap starts to try to save Phoenix, but Falcon, quite rightly, stops him. Not a lot of superheroes are going to be able to dive into a boiling vat of unbreakable glue to save a Nazi, but that may be just as well. Cap mopes that, "the big war just claimed another victim," and that his revival also brought back "a whole generation's hatreds--hatreds that should've been left frozen a quarter of a century ago!" Cheer up, Cap: we've got a whole ton of new hatreds now!

This is about as objective as I could be on this comic: thanks to listening to that record so many times, I love it to this day. Probably 15 years after last hearing it, I bought the comic at Red Iguana Comics in Missoula, MT, for a dollar. And today I was able to read it and listen to it at the same time, for the first time. A pretty good day.

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That's like the 27th Ultimate Frisbee fatality this year.

Phoenix tells Cap about how great his dad was, like the bestest Nazi scientist ever! The elder Baron Zemo had invented a hand-held laser weapon in the 40's, and the aforementioned Adhesive X, a glue that "once applied, nothing could remove it!" While that sounds silly, I suppose if you had a glue so strong you could build tanks using it, that would be something. Something hideously unsafe, yeah, but something.

Since American newspapers called the laser a 'death-ray,' Phoenix notes that 'propaganda' made his father "the most hated man in Germany!" (Yeah, ok, we know you're proud of your dad, but that's just not true.) Zemo had taken to wearing a mask, although I'm not exactly sure how that was going to help. Even in the Marvel U. during WWII, there weren't that many masked Nazis. Couple dozen, tops. The mask pretty much just singled him out for Cap's attention, who ends up smashing a tank of Adhesive X over Zemo, who ends up with his mask glued to his head forever. (From an old Marvel Handbook, I believe Zemo had to be fed intravenously for the rest of his life.) Lashing out at his family, the Baron soon disappeared, and his wife died shortly thereafter, leaving Helmut alone.

Now the continuity is a little dicey here: Phoenix makes a living on his scientific knowledge, until he sees the headlines of Cap's return. Returning to Castle Zemo, he recreates his father's death-ray and Adhesive X. But, the original Baron Zemo was killed shortly after Cap's return, and Phoenix had already been working on his revenge. Busiek would straighten this out a bit in Thunderbolts, as I would've thought they would try to get in touch to get revenge together. Cue "Cat's in the Cradle." Or don't.

Either way, Zemo is about to dump Cap into the Adhesive X, when Falcon and Redwing smash through the skylight that all warehouses have. Sam totally knew Cap was just trying to get him out of harm's way, but with his bird running interference, Falcon's beating Phoenix pretty handily. In fact, the beating is getting so bad, Cap feels bad for the "misguided fool still fighting World War II!" He manages to get loose, and stops the Falcon from further thrashing Zemo.

Phoenix takes this opportunity to try to kill them both with Cap's own shield. I applaud thinking big, but I have no idea how the hell he thought that was going to work. It would be like trying to stop two people by throwing a manhole cover at them: you might get lucky and get one, but even that's pushing it. And he manages to miss Cap and Falcon both, and boomerang it back into himself. Again, no idea: Cap's shield doesn't naturally return or rebound, Cap has to bounce it off things or put a helluva lot of spin on it. But, Zemo goes into the tank of Adhesive X.

Cap starts to try to save Phoenix, but Falcon, quite rightly, stops him. Not a lot of superheroes are going to be able to dive into a boiling vat of unbreakable glue to save a Nazi, but that may be just as well. Cap mopes that, "the big war just claimed another victim," and that his revival also brought back "a whole generation's hatreds--hatreds that should've been left frozen a quarter of a century ago!" Cheer up, Cap: we've got a whole ton of new hatreds now!

This is about as objective as I could be on this comic: thanks to listening to that record so many times, I love it to this day. Probably 15 years after last hearing it, I bought the comic at Red Iguana Comics in Missoula, MT, for a dollar. And today I was able to read it and listen to it at the same time, for the first time. A pretty good day.

Read more!

See, that's why you have to stick with gamma radiation for the quality mutations...

This scene from Timber Wolf #2 (written and inked by Al Gordon, pencils by Joe Phillips) takes place in a bar called the Gene Pool. Traditionally, there are relatively few mutants in the DC Universe; but there are those that carry the 'metagene,' and have at least the genetic potential to develop super-powers. Unfortunately, there's no telling what could be the catalyst, or 'origin,' for your powers: just because you have the metagene and want to be the Human Torch, doesn't mean you can set yourself on fire. (Mixed companies a bit there, but he's a good example!) I'm not 100% on this one, but I think all this metagene business was established in the Invasion! mini-series, from the Dominators' experiments.

I really liked this limited, a spin-off from Legion of Super-Heroes. If any Legion fans can tell me why it's traditional for the spin-offs to end up in the twentieth century instead of their normal thirtieth, let me know: Karate Kid, Cosmic Boy, Valor, and this one. Timber Wolf was the first Legionnaire whose origin I knew as a kid, and it's not too shabby--his dad really wanted him to have super-powers, so he sent androids to get a rare element. One android made it back, and the dad adopts the last android as a son, then gives his son Brin powers, then dies. The android uses this opportunity to switch, telling the newly-empowered and confused Brin that he was the android, Lone Wolf. Eventually, the Legion straightens the whole thing out, and years later he would join as Timber Wolf. If you ask me, it's a way better origin than 'zapped by lightning monsters' or 'from planet where everyone can eat anything.' Oddly, since this particular look for T-Wolf was about three reboots ago, it looks like the design used for the new cartoon takes a bit from it.

The blond kid with his back to us is Thrust, a superhero name that I can't decide if it's brilliant or horrible. An alien (hybrid?), mouthy, punk; he alludes in his first appearance that "You may have heard of my dad, but that's another story." That's great, but it was never revealed in the series, and I don't think he ever appeared again. Bugged me for years, but recently, someone (probably from Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed at Comics Should be Good or a commenter there!) explained that Lobo was meant to be his dad. Kind of a waste not using Thrust again somewhere, but hey, DC's had a ton of great teenaged characters since then, like Anima and Risk.

Regardless, this was a fun series, that seemed pretty lighthearted even though the Dominators were up to their usual evil, there's a government conspiracy that will probably lead to Earth blowing up in the LOSH future, and T-Wolf is stuck a thousand years in his past. That last one's probably as much fun for him as it would be for you or I to go back to the year 1006: everyone smells, is full of barbaric and stupid ideas, and the pornography is vastly inferior to what you're used to...wait...

The only trouble is, like I said, this was like three reboots ago. There's a Timber Wolf in the new Waid and Kitson Legion, but very different. The Creeper guests in issue 3, and he was just restarted with a new origin too. (Not a bad first issue, but why?) Rao, Lobo's probably been rebooted by now. I imagine this series, like a lot of other books, have been rendered 'continuity orphans' by the various Crisis...Crisises...Crisi...by the whole New Earth thing.

But I still have the issues, so this Timber Wolf still has a home here, with Jennifer Morgan and the old Warlord, and the old Creeper series, and any other misfits of continuity that turn up. What favorites of yours have been exiled from New Earth, or any other universe?

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