I hadda kidnap my girlfriend to protect my secret identity. AITA?

...Little bit, yeah.  From 1976, Marvel Tales #73, reprinting Amazing Spider-Man #92, "When Iceman Attacks!" Written by Stan Lee, pencils by Gil Kane, inks by John Romita. Per the GCD, uncredited backgrounds by Tony Mortellaro, and the reprint loses two pages!

Spidey returns to his apartment, to find Gwen waiting for him--not like that, sadly. She's with crooked politician Bullit, who also suspected a connection between Spidey and Peter Parker. Thinking quickly, Spidey grabs Gwen and jumps out the window with her, which would probably be terrifying for Gwen but isn't really dwelt upon here. No time, as on the streets below, Bobby Drake puts his date in a cab and starts taking off his clothes, to change into Iceman! He plans on not only saving the helpless victim, but also settling matters with that "over-rated creep!" Spidey only has a moment to badmouth Peter, although Gwen quickly rises to his defense, before Iceman takes him on.

With the cops surrounding the building, Spidey takes off. Bullit is less than thrilled with having to share any glory with Iceman, but his campaign for district attorney--again, were those a big deal? Are they still a big deal in NYC? But, a hitch for Bullit: J.Jonah Jameson and the Bugle are no longer supporting him, since Bullit had tried to "strongarm" Peter Parker, and Robbie Robertson had a file on him and his supporters...and what they really meant by "law and order." I don't think the term 'dogwhistle' was in use then, but seems apt.

Bullit sends goons after Robbie, with Spidey keeping tabs on him to help out, but Iceman catches up to him again to continue their fight. Spidey's not in the mood to play, and manages to get away and catch up at the usual warehouse hideout. Iceman arrives shortly thereafter, but is able to overhear Bullit and realize he should be with Spidey on this one. The goons are trounced, Robbie is freed, and he, Spidey, and Iceman confront Bullit at a campaign banquet, where he crumples up like a roll of paper towels in a sink full of water.

I feel like I saw this recently somewhere else...I also suspect Peter gets to make up with Gwen on one of the cut pages, or at least continue hiding his secret identity from her. There has to be a middle ground there, between Spidey's dogged guarding of his ID, and more modern TV shows and movies where the hero unmasks and tells whoever, whenever...!

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Oh, guarantee this guy's got a podcast.

I'm used to classic secret identity stories, where the hero has to pretend to be cowardly or incompetent, in order to duck out and change costumes. The cover makes it seem like Batman throws his most trusted friend under the bus, but it's more like Bruce pretending to be disinterested in everything. From 1976, Detective Comics #459, "A Clue Before Dying!" Written by Martin Pasko, art by José Luis García-López.

In theory, all the clues are there, you the reader could figure it out like Batman. Full disclosure, I didn't; but one of the clues is an "odd smell," so good luck. An author has a party for the forthcoming release of his new book, a non-fiction account of the "Dreamhouse Murder," which he's been working on in said dreamhouse. Several people stay over, including Bruce Wayne and Alfred, but when the author is shot dead one witness claims she saw a bald man flee the scene--and Alfred was the only bald guy there! Bruce pretends to not be interested in either the murder or what happens to Alfred, so he can come back as Batman to work the case. Also: the author is shot with his own gun, a silenced revolver; and you can't really do that!

Also this issue: a Man-Bat story, "Scream of the Gargoyle!" Written by Marty Pasko, art by Pablo Marcos. In a creepy cathedral moved stone-by-stone from Europe--who keeps moving those damn things? Man-Bat has to fight Dr. Thanatogenos to save himself and his wife from being turned into gargoyles. The bad doctor had thought they had "mystic energy," the thought of which creeps Kirk out.

And another tiny-print Statement of Ownership, Management, and Circulation; actual number of copies sold nearest to filing date: 386,697. At least that's what the GCD said, I didn't put my glasses on for that... Read more!

"Seen One."

I don't think Sat would be the type for flowery speeches with Kurt, but it's easy to open up to a Spider-Man, isn't it? And Kaine has lived a different, and darker, life than either Ben or Peter; so I figured it's not a stretch that he'd be smitten with Satana. Besides her obvious charms, that is.

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Forty years younger? Sign me up!

I mentioned this series back when we talked about Threshold, as "another of DC's periodic attempts to relaunch some of their classic space hero stable." This one does kill off a guy that would be central in Threshold, but does bring back another character possibly best remembered for his house ad, which didn't feature him in costume! From 2006, Mystery In Space #2, featuring "A Question of Resurrection" Written by Jim Starlin, pencils by Shane Davis, inks by Matt "Batt" Banning; and "Reconnaissance" Written and penciled by Jim Starlin, inks by Al Milgrom.

Aging space hero Captain Comet gets jumped and nearly incinerated in the first issue of this series, but after an encounter on a mysterious asteroid he is resurrected--as is the Weird, from the Starlin/Wrightson miniseries of the same name. Neither realize the other is involved for several more issues, as they work the case from different angles on the far-flung Hardcore Station, from the Starlin mini-series of the same name! (I was confusing Hardcore Station with the old Chris Sprouse miniseries Hammerlocke, another title perhaps more remembered for a house ad than anything!) On the Comet side, it's a detective story also trying to revamp and revitalize the character: I don't know if he was usually portrayed as in his sixties, but he's de-aged back to his twenties. He picks up some new powers like teleportation but loses some of his super-strength, since he remembers that didn't really kick in until his late thirties...While trying to track down what happened to his old body, Comet visits his pal, aged space detective Star Hawkins. Star is later murdered, but leaves Comet a message in his own blood: "You" That doesn't sound good!

The Weird side, is super Jim Starlin-y, as the popeyed-oddball tries to get his bearing on his own resurrection; and there is a Pip the Troll type, and the baddie Deacon looks like a cross of Lord Papal and Monalo from Dreadstar. It's a bad religion, the "Eternal Light Corporation," which proclaims in a later issue that it's "the true path to enlightenment and fiscal responsibility." Starlin takes a pretty dim view of organized religion, and takes the Weird on a Warlock-like trip through it; but the Deacon is over-the-top. Still, I tend to agree with Starlin on that one; the Eternal Light Corporation just barely feels like parody.

Note to self: I'm missing #1, #3, and #7 of this; keep an eye out. Not like the Weird's though, hopefully...

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Of course the Craigslist ad isn't going to come out and tell you it's breaking up a set.

Because I fondly remember the old original Marvel ones, I'm usually up for a Star Wars Annual, but I think I was disappointed this one didn't go as far into what it promised.  From 2018, Star Wars Annual #4, written by Cullen Bunn, pencils by Ario Anindito, Roland Boschi, and Marc Laming.

Recurring troublemaker smuggler Sana Starros isn't visiting fringe world Hradreek for the podracing, but to unload a Sith artifact, the lightsaber of Darth Atrius...hey, where's the other one? They were supposed to be a set! That's like buying a TV and somebody sold the remote separately! The crime boss buying the saber is less mad, than furiously unhinged, apparently by the lightsaber, as he starts hacking up his own men to set at Sana. Elsewhere, an Imperial officer is practically giddy at delivering the lightsaber of Darth Atrius to Lord Vader, who is more coldly furious, as usual. Which isn't really fair to the officer; Sith stuff was secret, there wasn't an in-universe wiki for him to look up Darth Atrius!

Luke Skywalker and Artoo were also on Hradreek, since the Rebels were collecting or skimming a piece of gambling percentages for funding. Luke's contact suggests he could double or triple those credits with some betting, but Luke's not the type for that, which is probably why it's him making the pickup. He senses something amiss in the Force, and finds the lightsaber; after the crime boss and his men had murdered each other, right when the stormtroopers show up. Using the Sith saber, Luke chops them into mulch; while nearby Vader does the same to some Aqualish Sana talked into covering her escape. Luke comes out of it afterwards, possibly when Artoo asks him something like "where'd you go, psycho boy?" They both get caught in an explosion Sana sets to try and delay Vader, and Sana helps herself to Luke's dropped credits.

Separated from Artoo and chased by stormtroopers, Luke is forced to "do something really stupid..." even by his standards: steal a podracer! Which may have been a little faster than he was expecting. Sana misses betting on Luke's race, but does catch Artoo sneaking up on her and kicks him over. Boo! But the little droid pulled the old spilled lubricant trick, and steals back the credits. (Or maybe steals her credits? Whatever, Artoo grabs something.) 

Meanwhile, the podrace should be declared force majeure, as Vader uses the Force to disable Luke's pod. (The announcers note humans were not typically equipped for the sport, and had never won a major circuit race...although there were stories from the sticks. I would've thought the Boonta Eve Classic would've been on ESPN 8 or something...) Luke is pretty angry, but not from the crash, from Atrius's saber, which Luke destroys before Artoo picks him up. Similarly, Vader destroys the other; and Sana gets while the getting is good, to pawn off more artifacts. 

This kinda felt like it was trying to do a couple things at once, which didn't leave enough room for either: do the gambling/podracing story first, then the cursed lightsabers one. Also, why did Vader destroy the second lightsaber? Was it affecting him and he didn't like it, or mad the set was broken up? Every once in a while in the Dark Horse stories, Vader seemed to sandbag a bit to keep the Emperor from becoming too powerful, that could've been it.

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I want pictures! Pictures of...Ms. Marvel?

Eh, seems reasonable enough. I never find any of these on the cheap, so a pleasant surprise: from 1977, Spidey Super Stories #22, "Ms. Marvel, Ms. Marvel" Written by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Win Mortimer, inks by Mike Esposito.

The title's a riff on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, an oddball soap opera of the time; I have heard the name somewhere but never saw it. This easy-reading issue probably isn't as weird, as J.Jonah Jameson tasks editor Carol Danvers and photographers Amber and Peter with getting the scoop on Ms. Marvel. JJJ is then kidnapped by the Beetle, in his clunky original outfit: I met the Beetle way back in Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man #60, where he had the look he would keep pretty much up to his Thunderbolts days. Ms. Marvel and Spidey give chase to save their boss, with Peter neglecting to take any photos, which probably cost him the job at Woman Magazine.

Also this issue: "The Lizard Lives!" Written by Kolfax Mingo, pencils by Win Mortimer, inks by Mike Esposito, alterations by John Romita. A tadpole is turned into a dinosaur and the Lizard returns, but it's all wrapped up within 12 pages. Romita may have made some adjustments or corrections on this one, but that just means it looks like Romita Spider-Man, and nothing wrong with that. Read more!

Writer Jason Aaron caught some flak last week, for King Conan #3, wherein Conan meets a scantily-clad lady who had been cursed to try and keep sailors from reaching her side of the world. Probably would've been fine, except Aaron used the name Matoaka, the birth name of Pocahontas, a name way too loaded with historical meaning for this. Aaron apologized; and hopefully lesson learned. Co-incidentally, we have an Aaron book today: from 2015, Weirdworld #5, "The War of the Weird" Written by Jason Aaron, art by Mike Del Mundo.

Weirdworld got two short series between 2015 and 2016, and this was the conclusion of the first one, part of Secret Wars. Weirdworld was a domain in Doom's patchwork Battleworld, and itself cobbled together from various Marvel properties: this issue guests Crystar, Skull the Slayer, and Jennifer Kale and some Man-Things. But the book's lead had never had his own title before, despite being around for 45 years at that point: smelly barbarian Arkon! Canonically smelly; Morgan le Fey calls him out on it!

Arkon had spent the series searching for his home, Polemachus, which turns out to be under the floating island of Weirdworld. Is...is it inhabited, then? Or did everybody fall off already? Arkon had also apparently rejected the traditional hero's journey to unite the assorted nuts and tribes of Weirdworld against the tyranny of Morgan le Fey; but also inadvertently succeeded in reviving the hero that would: Crystar! Who had been "a bag of rocks" in the first issue; Arkon had thought Warbow was insane to think he could be restored, if he had ever been. The final battle looks pretty cool, with "Eyemazons" and Magma Men and a couple really determined butterflies who seem to be hauling a nuke (!?) but the whole thing is called on account of rain. Or rather, the fall of Doom, and an explosion that seems like the end of everything. More like a reset, as on earth a plane crashes into a floating island in the Bermuda Triangle, then some passengers are saved from an eye-spider creature by the now more-lost-than-ever Arkon.

I've lost track if I have all of both Weirdworld series; I don't think the second was as Arkon-focused. As a locale, Weirdworld would be used in Squadron Supreme and Extraordinary X-Men, but seemed to get forgotten afterwards, possibly in the push to the more 'grounded' Secret Empire. Pity this didn't take off, though; we could've maybe gotten Crystar and Arkon Marvel Legends! Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either. (EDIT: Yeesh, I couldn't even guess how many times I've accidentally called him 'Akron.' About as many times as I've called Peacemaker Peacekeeper, probably.)

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"Cruel."

I'm going to call out my own hypocrisy here, as I'm doing something I don't like when regular writers do: I haven't read every single appearance of either Ben Reilly or Kaine. I know Ben is having a bit of resurgence in current Spider-Man books; but I'm not sure if Kaine has been seen lately. Then again, he's been popular enough that I have two figures of him, so...

Also, if I was Spider-Man, or worse, a clone of Spider-Man, I would be terrified at the irrational fear that I wasn't going to turn into a Man-Spider, but something even grosser. Growing spider-legs out of my ass would certainly qualify.

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After three times, it's time to clean out the basement.

Some readers may remember reviled Avengers storyline "the Crossing," which included a mysterious time portal in the basement of Avengers Mansion. If you go further back, in Avengers Annual #9, there was a leftover robot, Arsenal, that Howard Stark put into storage when he lived there. And in the future, we find...another time portal? The same one? From 1999, A-Next #7, "After the Fall!" Plot and words by Tom DeFalco, plot and pencils by Ron Frenz, finishes by Al Milgrom.

This was set in the same future as Spider-Girl, which ran for over a hundred issues, but this only lasted twelve. Set after the Avengers had disappeared, a new team forms, with Ant-Man's daughter Stinger, Thunderstrike's son um...Thunderstrike, and Juggernaut's kid J-2. They also had mysterious armored Iron Man-type Mainframe, but some of the team weren't sure they could trust him. While a mysterious woman tasks newly created villain Ion Man with killing Dr. Cassandra Lang, Stinger's secret identity; Mainframe also has business with Cassandra, to reveal the truth about himself. So he's there when Ion Man attacks, and is destroyed; with Stinger cheesed Mainframe sent a robot double to talk to her. But another Mainframe shows up...and gets destroyed...and another...

Meanwhile, Thunderstrike has a conversation with Edwin Jarvis, regarding the mysterious visions (small-v) in the basement, and the last days of the original team. A decade earlier, Captain America had gathered the team, to face "a menace that threatens our entire world," a threat that many or most of them might not survive. (It's a pretty full roster, but notably missing Thor.) Iron Man declined telling Jarvis what they were going to face, saying it had to remain classified, but he had made arrangements to make sure there would always be Avengers. The team goes into the basement portal...and not all of them would return. Hawkeye appeared badly hurt, Wasp and Hercules seem shell-shocked, and the Vision, Iron Man, and Scarlet Witch are likewise traumatized. Iron Man tells Jarvis, they were all that would be returning; but despite appearances, the Avengers had succeeded. While a new team would briefly form, Iron Man and Scarlet Witch would continue working on the portal, until eventually the Witch disappeared. Tony tells Jarvis that was also according to plan, and to please pack his stuff, he was leaving forever.

Atop a pile of his own fallen bodies, Mainframe manages to launch Ion Man's energy into space, then collapses: he finally tells Stinger he was only a program, "based on the encephalograms of Tony Stark." But he had burned through all his bodies there, and was crashing...Kinda feels like she should have maybe guessed that earlier. Still, some interesting mysteries set up here; but I'm not sure it was wrapped up in this series.

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This feels like a court-ordered appearance, he probably has to do one every couple of years.

His sister has fallen into this same cycle: a writer takes them too far, then the next writer has to walk whatever horribleness they committed back, or at least try for some forgiveness. Pietro probably should have more one-shots under his belt, then. From 2008, X-Factor: the Quick and the Dead #1, "The Quick and the Dead" Written by Peter David, art by Pablo Raimondi.

It's rock-bottom time for Pietro, as he's lost his mutant powers as well as his Terrigen crystal-derived ones--is that a bit of a retcon, because wasn't Terrigen bad for mutants later? The recap page also seems to put House of M on him, which I had forgotten; but after that, Son of M, and Silent War he had burned a lot of bridges. The final straw was catching a beating from X-Factor's Layla Miller, leaving him in jail and twitching through what might be Terrigen withdrawal. (I haven't seen how he used the crystal, but from here I could make a guess...)

Two small-time criminals watch as Pietro hallucinates a little redemption trip, with visits from the Scarlet Witch, Magneto, Crystal, and Luna--all of whom seem to forgive him and want the best for him. They also appear slightly out-of-date, which seems to me how Pietro remembers them. I'm not 100% sure anyone has actually forgiven him anything, either. His final ghost visit is Layla Miller, who is unbothered about his attempt on her life: his heart wasn't really in it, and now that he's hit bottom, he can start coming back up. She advises him to "follow the butterfly" and he does, seeing a domestic violence incident on a nearby rooftop, with a man about to throw a woman over the side. Since no one there is about to listen to him, it's up to Pietro, and his powers return, first using super-speed to shake the wall down, then racing over to save the falling woman.

His speed seemingly greater than ever, Pietro is moving so fast it's crushing the woman, so he drops her off: in Montauk Point, a couple hours away from Manhattan. Tear-assing around the world, running across water, Quicksilver contemplates his folly, thinking he knew God's will, but in his high spirits accidentally overshoots off a mountaintop! Glancing off a passing plane, he takes a pretty big fall, skipping across the water this time, then sinking. While now at peace, knowing he was loved, Pietro isn't done just yet, as he's fished out by a passing cruise ship. A sailor promises "clear sailing from here on in" and Pietro can only hope so. 

I thought this was maybe to bring Pietro closer to his MCU incarnation, since the last page seems to resemble Aaron Taylor-Johnson, but this issue predated either of his movie versions. (Duhr, there's an ad for the first Iron Man on the back!) Has Quicksilver since crapped all over this redemption? Sadly, that would be in-character as hell...

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Oh, I'm feeling the pain.

Even after all these years, I can still occasionally find something in the quarter bins I've never even heard of before, something that leaves me wondering "what the hell was that?" In a surprised way, not necessarily a "that was a good comic" way. From 1996, Neuro Jack #1, written by James Chambers, art by Erika Taguchi.

"Art" is underselling her credit, though: this issue was "all digital art!" Back when that would've been a somewhat substantial undertaking. Big Entertainment's hype page mentions Neuro Jack was first seen on "the Microsoft Network and Prodigy," which to most people today might as well as been wax cylinders. The story is a bit of cyberpunk lite, with the titular Jack, a consciousness somehow uploaded to "the 'net," an alien information network created by the Gnomans. The Gnomans look like they're from an entirely different comic, more cartoony.

Big Entertainment, or maybe just Big, used to be Tekno Comics: we've seen a couple issues of Gene Roddenberry's posthumous Lost Universe. Which also wasn't great. The aforementioned hype page mentions an issue of Leonard Nimoy's Primortals with a Kelley Jones cover...not his best, but I do feel like they used to throw their money into getting covers. Lost Universe had some Sienkiewicz numbers that I still feel like would sell some comics now. Read more!