I no longer worry about death, I had some haggis...

Entirely possible I have three of these, but I'll always always always buy these from the cheap bins: from 1992, Bill & Ted's Excellent Comic Book #9, "It's a Living?" Story and art by Evan Dorkin, inks by Marie Severin.

The titular duo are enjoying a most bodacious afternoon with their wives and kids, but a visit to Pretzels-n-Cheese goes heinously awry thanks to new trainee Death, who was broke and had to take another job to cover his rent and his outstanding Monopoly debt to Bill and Ted. (Who were mega-rock stars and wouldn't care, but Death had principles.) A cheese-squeezing incident gets him canned; worse, Death was also behind on his rounds, and while collecting the soul of a sad Frenchman who died, in a hilarious retelling of a classic urban legend; Death meets his replacement, Morty! In typical 90's fashion, Morty has both an 8-ball jacket, and zero sympathy for others; so he gets a lot of laughs out of assorted, admittedly funny, recently departeds. Like Death in the Seventh Seal and Bogus Journey, Morty does give the dead the chance to challenge for their soul, but does so with "three card Dante!" A sucker's bet!

Forced into retirement, Death decides to look for a new job, to have something to do; and fails miserably, but amusingly. He even gets fired drawing "Major Violence" comics...OK, that one might be with cause; but Bill admits they've bought worse comics. On a final training session with Morty, Death finally gets fed up with his flippant attitude towards the dead, and demands an inquest to fight for his job. In the Marvel U. this would bring in like Eternity and Infinity and Master Order and Lord Chaos, those guys; but Dorkin has his own! War, Fate, Nature, and Time Thumb in for Chronos. Can Death beat Morty in a reaping contest...?

Man, I'm not even sure I have this whole series, which feels like another fate worse than death. Maybe I still have time... Read more!

This isn't a news site, but you probably heard that Sam Kieth passed away over the weekend. The next day I dug this one out, and while he only did the cover, I maybe should've tried it earlier. From 2002, (the Craptacular) B-Sides #1, featuring "Points of Interest" Written by Brian David-Marshall, art by Brett Weldele; and "Graduation Day" Written by Brian David-Marshall, pencils by ChrisCross, inks by Caesar.

Along with the Kieth cover, two other somewhat surprising credits: the book was "Bill Jemas presents: Stan Lee presenting" which feels weird? Like Jemas was involved in trying something different, but, uh, this series would only run three issues, so...Don't let that put you off, though; as the characters were designed by Evan Dorkin! This was set in the Marvel universe, but at Raven's Perch, NJ; which still featured multiple familiar staples like Kree, Skrulls, a Silvermane...part of the Fantastic Four also make a brief appearance, setting up something for later. The leads were three super-powered youngsters: Fateball, Jughandle, and Mize. They were all basically aimless troublemakers, but a local huckster approaches them with a pitch, for a local super-hero team: "You'll be the X-Force of Raven's Perch!" The kids are dumb enough to think 'sure, why not,' especially since he worked at a bar and was getting them beer...

The threesome had another friend, Feeva, who on the night of their graduation, took them on what seemed like a wild goose chase to find "the Nazi Sleeper of New Jersey," which they do; which leads to a fight with a bunch of little "Piney" monsters. But, they then find out this had been Feeva's final exam to join something called the Pegasus Institute. (Presumably, related to the Project: Pegasus of old Marvel Two-in-One stories.) Feelings are hurt, as you would expect. I found the first two issues of this in an actual, twenty-five cent quarterbin Sunday; but finding that third issue might be a hassle. Read more!

My local Comic Book Shop put a ton of books in the dollar bins, just for me! OK, maybe not "just for me," unless I get there first! I tried very hard not to buy any issues I already had, although I know there were a few: there was a variant for Sgt. Rock vs. the Army of the Dead that grabbed me, and like I'm not going to grab spares of Sergio Aragonés Massacres Marvel #1 or Giant-Size Mini-Marvels #1; and I did get almost a complete second run of the two Blackwood series.

From 2018, Blackwood #2, written by Evan Dorkin, art by Veronica and Andy Fish. The first two issues weren't in the GCD, so I just uploaded this Declan Shalvey cover.

Four new students at Blackwood Academy--Stephen, Wren, Dennis, and Reiko--have just had a rough night, as one of them, Stephen, was dragged into a well, after the school's dean Ogden had turned into a creature. The well spits Stephen out, along with seemingly a ton of spirits, leaving him on the lawn in a ring of glyphs. The Blackwood faculty scrambles to try and piece together what had happened, as well as what to do with the new kids: the increasingly stressed-out acting dean Colby tells them, about the real Blackwood. The main school was a front, but there was also a secret school, teaching about "magic and ghosts, and all that stuff." "The secrets of the occult world," one of the kids phrases it better than the 1988 manual...

Wren wonders if it isn't messed up to offer scholarships to a school like that, but Colby tells them what they already suspected: all four of them had already suffered horrific mystical experiences, which may have prepped them to learn more. Unfortunately, they are then visited by Dean Ogden, wrapped in a coat and scarf, changed after reading from "the Book of Despair." Apologetically, Ogden curses "thee," binding their fates to that of the school. Stephen tries to argue "thee" means Colby, not all of them; although I don't know if he believes that. Following Ogden into a secret passage, they find a ton of weird bric-a-brac, including a stuffed monkey with two heads--that's alive!

Already knowing he was cursed, Dennis tries to leave the school, but a homeless woman starts babbling at him at the train station. A homeless woman, holding a headless rat, and with a horrifying parasite "child" that looks like it's coming out of her...! 

Blackwood would get two mini-series, and I wish it had continued: not to damn it with faint praise, but it's like Harry Potter if it was interesting. Just from this one issue, the characterization is a gazillion times better, and no weird stereotypes, and a two-headed monkey! Beats the crap out of Hufflepuff or whatever.

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Two Hodges and two Podges, in the same year? In this economy?

 

1. So there's an episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Hal wants to take the boys out for a fun excursion before Lois has the new baby, but because nothing ever goes right there, instead of a monster truck rally they arrive at a bridal fair, and they already paid for parking, so...the whole episode, there's a subtle running gag where every time we see a musician or hear music, it's a version of Kool and the Gang's "Celebration." Anyway, I could probably set something up like that with covers of Mariya Takeuchi's "Plastic Love." I don't think I heard it before like a year ago, and it's been covered about 18 million times. Tough to get wrong, really, it's that good.  

2. Sometimes I just want to do a post of random nonsense; and I always liked the style of 70's era Marvel Bullpen Bulletins, although I'm not going to shout "ITEM!" at the start of each point. The last time I did one of these I was mired in overtime and foggy; now I'm back to regular hours and have a ton more free time...and am starting to miss the overtime cash, since I've recently gone way off-budget: I ordered an extra the Prisoner figure from Wandering Planet's Kickstarter, the fancy new Conan figure, I had to get a loose Marvel Legends Shanna since I missed the set in August, I bought a batch of McFarlane figures. (The latter was a little disappointing, but we'll maybe see some later!) Huh, I pre-ordered Rachel Summers, that shiny pinless Surfer, and Man Without Fear Daredevil. Ugh, I might have to get back to work... 

3. Well, I could probably save some money by dropping Disney+ and Paramount Plus, since the corporate heads of both seem bound and determined to pre-cave to whatever the Trump administration vaguely threatens to do, or to smooth the path for yet another merger so maybe only two entities have all the IP and all the money instead of three. It's just galling that a lot of things I love--Star Wars, Star Trek, Marvel--are in the hands of people that aren't going to fight for them the way you might prefer. Actually, it seems like they're going to take the policy of "give the baby his bottle" for the foreseeable future, and just keep their heads down and hope they aren't noticed. Of course, another good reason to drop Disney and Paramount is that I think I can count on my thumbs how many times either of them have had two new shows I wanted to watch running at the same time: really feels like I'm paying the sub fees for one show a week at best. (In fairness: I don't think a lot of viewers liked the most recent Star Trek: Strange New Worlds episodes; but I did? All the continuity doesn't seem like it's going to line up right, but after years of comics god knows I'm used to that.)

What is actually decent value for the money? Tubi!...since it's free and all. Actually, I think I'm enjoying it because it has a surprisingly deep roster of forgotten and obscure movies, kind of like Disney and Paramount both did at first. Those two would then clear out about everything except the new crap they were pushing incessantly, and the occasional franchise they were somehow caretakers of. (I mention this while making eye contact with Paramount: their horror selection is terrible, but they've got all the Paranormal Activity movies, a franchise that's best known not for the movies or the scares, but for being stupid profitable because each installment was made for about forty bucks, figuratively.) The other day on Tubi I watched Gunbus, which had also been called Sky Bandits, where a couple dynamite-happy bank robbers end up as pilots in World War I: it's cheery, agreeably dumb viewing that the streamers you pay for wouldn't know what to do with, but a fun throwback to the kind of afternoon movie that used to be on TV. The downside is, of course, like TV you're at the mercy of ads: during A Better Tomorrow III there was a David Spade sporting goods commercial at an inopportune time that I cursed out like it owed me money, and not just because I hadda see David Spade. Later, I watched a lesser Chow Yun-Fat number, Rich and Famous, and was trying to remember where I'd seen this meme: 

 (20 minutes into any Hong Kong action movie, when they intro the 'comedy relief') 

 STINKY DICK: H-h-h-hello, my name is Stinky Dick, I stutter, and sexually harass women. 

 Boo, get outta here. 

 (90 minutes in, Stinky Dick gets stabbed 37 times and explodes) 

 Bastards! They got Stinky Dick! 

Swear to god, I don't know if it just in the subtitles, maybe somebody just insulting him, but I swear the sneezing comedy relief was actually called Stinky Dick! And he's useless through most of the film, then totally redeems himself in the end!  

Chow Yun-Fat is not in that one as much as the trailer implies: he's the "good" mob boss, and two adopted brothers start working for him, Goofus and Gallant style: one is loyal and reliable, the other a bigmouth suckup. Anyway, the fact that Tubi has even got a decent batch of Hong Kong action flicks is impressive: Hard Boiled and the Killer are both on there, and if you haven't, drop this and go see them now. Oh, and I couldn't sleep the other night, so I watched the oddball Motivational Growth, and whatever they pay Jeffrey Combs, they should pay him more.

4. I haven't had as good of a summer biking as I did the last couple years, but that's probably on me, since I've been a big baby about getting too far away from my house: I don't want to be fifteen miles out and blow a tire or rupture a testicle or something. That said, I might do something I've wanted to forever, and take my old bike into the shop and have it fixed back up. It won't be cheap, except as compared to buying a new bike. I'll still have my current bike for riding around town and such, but if I get that baby going again I swear I'll treat her like a princess: I'll only ride it on the pristine bike trails, not the filthy glass-ridden streets. (The tires are more narrow on that one, which will be mildly perilous at first but feel a gazillion times faster.) Something to look forward to then, although I probably still have another month and a half, two months, this season; before it's indoor bike trudgery again. 

5. This one, I was worried was a warning sign of depression: I have zero interest in football so far this year. That might be because it's well over 80 degrees out even still and it doesn't feel like football time; but I also thought the NFL would be a bit too rah-rah America for me right now. And I'm eating lower-carb, and don't need to be exposed to a ton of ads for stuff I'm not eating right now. And I hate gambling ads: I've been doing this blog long enough that it remembers when the NFL's official line was "gambling is bad" and the NFL doesn't even pretend anymore. And I've never paid to watch a football game, and I'll be cold in my grave before I watch a goddamn game on YouTube or Amazon. And the Cowboys are going to be awful: I don't blame the players or general staff, but somehow Jerry Jones is going to continue making a ton of money off the team even if they never win two playoff games in a row again in his lifetime, or mine. Prove me wrong, guys! Prove me wrong. Maybe I'll feel differently before the season is over, but for now if I'm in on Sunday, I'll think I'll put on DVD's. Or, like I did this Sunday, go on a downloading spree over at Internet Archive! That and I fell off Nine Inch Nails like, um, almost thirty years ago? An ex...actually, a couple exes ruined them for me; but I was listening to the new Tron: Uprising soundtrack, and saw some others I liked, so back I guess?  

6. I'm getting older--which, admittedly, is generally how it works, and obviously, if I remember when Nine Inch Nails was a new band--but I still don't take any medication or anything regularly. Which I mention because I'm somehow still exposed to a seemingly dangerous amount of ads for assorted drugs. If you live outside of the U.S.--first of all, congratulations--but in this country, and maybe only New Zealand, "direct to consumer" drug advertising is allowed. This is in the hopes that you the viewer will then decide that such-and-such will cure your specific ailments, and that you'll hound your doctor to prescribe it to you, as opposed to maybe letting your doctor figure out what you need? God, I hate business. This is also a downside to an aging population: if you're young and hip enough that you don't watch TV with ads like a medieval peasant, you probably aren't seeing them, but rest assured they're annoying as hell and have set both society and musical theatre back like two hundred years. I have no goddamn idea what my "A-1-C" is and I don't care to learn, and Jardiance could taste like pumpkin pie and friggin' cure death, I still won't take it: I hate their ads that much. (OK, a generic, maybe; presumably it tastes like pumpkin pie without whipped cream.) Also, it's cool cool cool that this country's trying to roll back birth control and abortion rights, but sanitized generic Viagra spots on TV are acceptable. Raise the double standard!

That said, I am going to schedule Covid and flu shots. I'm curious, if they'll ask if I "need" them because of a pre-existing condition. Yeah, I'd die of guilt if I didn't do something easy and instead got somebody else sick; how's that? RFK's lunacy has worn thin for me--like New York's current Mayor Adams, he was amusing in a guy-yelling-on-a-street-corner fashion, but definitely not somebody that should be making decisions like he is. I'm pretty sure he has some opinions--and, god forbid, plans--about autism, that I find beyond reprehensible. I gotta admit, he worries me.

7. OK, a more cheerful point: Dark Horse is collecting Nerd Inferno: the Essential Evan Dorkin! Milk & Cheese! Dork! The Eltingville Club! Dead serious here: I have probably 95% or more of that already and I am so buying this one. How to put this...there a lot of creators and storytellers out there that I like, or I enjoy their work. Dorkin might be one of the few that I genuinely admire. He's always been up-front about his shortcomings and failings--I don't think a lot of people would be as open about projects that didn't work as he is, or his anxiety problems. And through it all, he has done stuff that just makes me laugh, even years later. Get it, get it, get it.   Read more!

I will think of this, every time I go to the movies, for the rest of my life.

As is so often the case, Milk & Cheese are exactly right: we should've come together as a society when they first tried showing ads before movies and stopped it cold. I've never felt they were to somehow subsidize movie theaters; it's always felt like "yeah, what are you gonna do about it? In fact, have another ad for Ghost Pepper Mountain Dew or some goddamn thing." Also, support the writer's strike!

I don't think I see--or hear--babies at the movies as often anymore; but I've been a few times the last couple weeks. Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 was really good; Evil Dead Rise was solid if not as funny as I'd like, and Shazam: Fury of the Gods was cheap-theater okay. Really waiting for Shin Kamen Rider May 31st!

From  1992, Milk & Cheese's Other Number One #1, written and drawn by Evan Dorkin. I just happened to have a copy handy; although I've had the trade forever. So should you!

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"Ding me the head of Boba Fett."

Although the Prototype Boba Fett from Walgreens is, well, a prototype; it still has the same ding on his helmet as the original Boba Fett. Because the original came first and it's the same mold, yeah. The review at It's All True holds out hope for a Jango Fett with undented noggin, but I had to make up a reason. Namely that Fett has probably been bashing his head on the same badly placed instrument in his ship for most of his adult life...

If I recall correctly, Fett's helmet was supposed to give him 360-degrees of view; so he could see behind him, all sides, and so forth. Consider that for a moment: all 360 degrees around you, crammed into a display to fit the less-than-180 degrees you can see in front of your face. Through practice and constant use, Fett is doubtless able to adapt and use that to his advantage, but I wonder how he functions when (if) he takes the helmet off.


"Bring Me the Head of Boba Fett" was an Eltingville Club strip from Evan Dorkin. It was adapted into a pilot for Adult Swim but sadly not picked up. Still super fun. Have a good weekend!
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Still better than the worst store I've ever seen.

You don't have to wade very deep into the internet, to find fanboys being horrible bastards. Or, and far more entertainingly, you could buy a comic with said horrible bastards instead! Eltingville Club #1, story and art by Evan Dorkin.

The guys in the club, and Joe, the owner of the comic shop, are horrible, horrible people. And bad fans. They're greedy, petty, sexist, stupid, violent assholes. Which makes this so funny. To use a comics analogy they would appreciate, it's like watching Dr. Doom, the Red Skull, and the Mandarin in a slapping match: whoever loses, we win.

There is a moment when a girl--the only one seen in the whole comic--comes into Joe's to try and pick up the new Saga trade. (It's the first page of the preview!) She's ogled until she's creeped out of there, then decried as a "fake geek girl." It's awful, and surprisingly, still happens today. It's tempting to believe fanboys and stores like this are exaggerated, or gone the way of the dinosaurs; and that Dorkin's exaggerating for the comedic effect. Maybe, maybe not. But here's hoping. In the meantime, the worst elements need to be held up to the light and laughed at.

Admittedly, Joe may have a point about the crapshoot nature of maintaining and stocking any sort of comics and merchandise; but even so. On Twitter Dorkin said the next issue would be late, but that's OK. The first issue is going to hold up to a lot of re-readings.
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80-Page Thursdays: Dark Horse Presents #12!

I know it's possible, but for my tastes? Man alive, Dark Horse is going to have the devil's own time topping this issue: Dark Horse Presents #12, featuring stories and art from Dean Motter, Evan Dorkin, Carla Speed McNeil, Francesco Francavilla, and more.

Even though their last series wasn't their best, I am always glad to see more Nexus from Mike Baron and Steve Rude. I don't know how many chapters they're going to run, but they're off to a good start, as a mysterious new, and evil, moon suddenly appears over Ylum.

Evan Dorkin's Eltingville Club strips are always hilarious and yet usually slightly depressing, as the obsessive fanboys inevitably end up taking themselves and their hobbies too seriously and too far. This time, it's a zombie walk that predictably goes awry; although I do agree with them in regards to fast zombies...sadly, although there was a Milk & Cheese strip as well, I think this was Dorkin's last DHP for the time being.

Also starting this issue was Dean Motter's Mister X (which I hadn't read before, but another good start) and a John Layman/Sam Kieth Aliens strip, which looks like it's going to be heartbreaking even before the Aliens start eating things. Throw in more Black Beetle, more of the Creep and Finder and Criminal Macabre and a pretty solid Occultist, and it's a great package. I'm just a little sad that no matter how good the next issue is, for me it's not going to be as good as this one; and I wish it was selling better--looks like, per the Beat, it's running a little over 7,000 copies or so right now. Give it a go.




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80-Page Thursday: Dark Horse Presents #11!

This issue came out in April, so we're pretty much just telling you maybe you should've bought this one then: Dark Horse Presents #11, featuring stories from Francesco Francavilla, Evan Dorkin, Carla Speed McNeil, Neal Adams, and more.

Three new strips begin this month: Francavilla's Black Beetle: it reminds me of Eduardo Barretto. While the "Nazis after archeological artifact" plot has been done, well, so have pants. The question is style, and this has it. John Arcudi and Jonathan Case start a new The Creep serial, about a private eye with acromegaly who resembles actor Rondo Hatton. Pretty good so far. And then the Occultist, a newbie mystic hero working with and crushing on his cop partner. You may get a Buffy/Angel vibe from it; it's not the best chapter this issue, but would make a watchable show.

There's a stylish short "The Way Out" about a courier, the Russian mob, and the mysterious White Suits; another chapter of Adams' Blood and Steve Niles' Criminal Macabre and McNeil's great Finder, and Evan Dorkin Fun! and Milk & Cheese! Great stuff.

Since this came out in April, it may be floating around for you to pick up a copy your damn self; or Dark Horse may or may not have reprinted pieces of it by now--I'd bet Black Beetle may have been collected in a single #0 issue, maybe. Keep an eye out.

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80-Page Thursdays: Dark Horse Presents #10!

Another Thursday, another Dark Horse Presents 80-pager: Dark Horse Presents #10, featuring stories by Brian Wood, Steve Niles, Rich Johnston, and more; and art by Christopher Mitten, Kristian Donaldson, Mark Wheatley, and more.

Strictly graded, this issue wouldn't have passed. I only enjoyed six of the ten features this ish...which is actually pretty good for an anthology book, yeah. McNeil's Finder was especially good this installment, Criminal Macabre was off to a good start, Tarzan and Skulltar weren't bad, and I liked the Andrew Vachss short with Geof Darrow illustrations. Of course, I probably would've paid $7.99 alone for new Evan Dorkin Milk & Cheese. So, not a bad issue, just not the best one. Or the best one to blog about, apparently. Read more!

80-Page Thursdays: Dark Horse Presents #4!

Over the last few months, I've been buying new issues of Dark Horse Presents and marked-down copies of the first few: right now, I think I'm missing #6, so we'll take a quick gander at Dark Horse Presents #4, with stories by Steve Niles, Evan Dorkin, Howard Chaykin, and more; and art by Jill Thompson, Carla Speed McNeil, Ricardo Delgado, and more.

While the serials "Number 13," "Rotten Apple," and "Doc Mendonca and Pizzaboy" didn't grab me; I warmed a bit more to "Criminal Macabre" this time around. "Finder" and "Beasts of Burden" both continue to entertain, and I was curious to see where "Resident Alien" goes: a stranded alien lives in seclusion, disguised as a doctor; but he gets pulled into a police investigation when the town's coroner is murdered...

There's also two one-shot shorts: an "Age of Reptiles" dinosaur story, and "The Protest," about a young boy's childhood in Iran, 1978. Even if you don't know the historical background there, it gets you up to speed quickly, and a lot of the story is going to be common to most kids growing up. DHP so far has been up and down, and this one is definitely up.
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80-Page Thursdays: Dark Horse Presents #8!

From February, 2012, Dark Horse Presents #8, featuring stories from Brian Wood, Martin Conaghan, Alan Gordon, Evan Dorkin, and more; with art by Thomas Yeates, Jill Thompson, Jimmy Broxton, Simon Rohrmüller, and more. There was a variant cover for the Massive, but I went with the Duncan Fegredo Hellboy one, which leads right into the opener, "An Unmarked Grave." Tying into both Hellboy and B.P.R.D., with regular writers Mike Mignola and John Arcudi; Kate Corrigan investigates Hellboy's disappearance in the ravaged England. Of course, Hellboy died in The Fury #3; but that may not even be the worst news Kate gets...

Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson keep the strong start going with a Beasts of Burden tale, "The View from the Hill." The dogs (and the Orphan, the cat) investigate an unattended flock of sheep, only to discover the flock has a sheepdog, and a secret. It's really good, and although I've only read Beasts a couple times, I wonder if it isn't starting like B.P.R.D.: get to know the characters as they do a bit of demon fighting or ghostbusting, and the series slowly builds to a bigger apocalypse...

There's another chapter of Tony Puryear's Concrete Park, another of Neal Adams' Blood, and the conclusion of this portion of Marked Man from Chaykin. I'm usually not a big fan, but I did like "the Once and Future Tarzan," wherein an older Tarzan is accosted and pulled back into action. I'm also not up enough on the character to recognize the setting, or maybe that's left to be answered--it looked like a sparsely populated future London to me.

The preview for "The Massive" from Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson left me a bit cold, but you can read the entire thing at io9. I preferred the short "Time to Live," a sci-fi done-in-one. The issue wraps up with the dark humor of "The Many Murders of Miss Cranbourne" and "Skultar."

We're probably going to keep writing up DHP, since as I type this I'm looking forward to #9 with Lobster Johnson and Paul Pope. But I'm really looking forward to Nexus and Evan Dorkin in the book; if they have those and Mignola stuff, it'll be like the book was made just for me.
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I don't think you're sad enough today. This'll help.

Since most of us don't live in a universe with super-heroes, we don't have to deal with the trauma of super-villain attack, fridged girlfriends, team breakups, continuity reboots, or any of that. Most of our damage is doubtless emotional.

Like that makes it better. Still, time heals all wounds, or sometimes causes them. Like this afternoon's book! From 1997, Dark Horse Presents #118, "Five Years and Counting" Written and illustrated by Evan Dorkin. This was a Hectic Planet story, and HP is what Dorkin's sci-fi/ska/soap Pirate Corp$ mutated into--less adventure, more relationship-oriented. Or, more accurately, the wreckage left post-relationship, usually.

Case in point: Halby, the ostensible hero of the strip, wants to borrow a few bucks from his pals; who then mercilessly grill him about why: he has a date. No one they know..."I don't even really know her."

Five years ago, at the ripe old age of seventeen, Halby ran into (literally) a girl named Trudi Kershaw, from Long Island. He spends most of the rest of the day with her, immediately smitten; but she has a boyfriend, albeit one she's becoming slightly afraid of. When Trudi finally has to leave to meet "Artie, her jocko-homo boyfriend," Halby panics, and blurts out they should meet there in five years, if neither of them are with anyone. Agreeing, "just in case," she makes a note with her name, and the future date for him, and another for herself.

His friends chip in a few bucks for Halby, although they are understandably less than confident. "Don't get your hopes up," suggests one. "Huh, like hell he won't."

Buying "corny" flowers, Halby waits, in the rain, for twenty minutes. About the time he's feeling like a complete moron and ready to leave, he hears his name. From a big guy in a Knicks sweatshirt. Artie. Calling back to his friends, Artie can't believe the sad bastard showed up. He found the note in his wife's purse, although he says "it ain't like I'm threatened or nothin'," he wanted to see what would happen. Artie shows Halby pictures of himself, Trudi, and their two kids; shaking his head, he suggests maybe Halby should get out more. Laughing, Artie and his friends drive away, with Trudi looking back at Halby, completely trapped in her life.


As Halby's friends are still discussing whether his gesture is romantic, futile, romantically futile, or just stupid; Halby returns, piss-drunk.


"You can't wait for the past," says the noseless, grumpy Harm. "It never shows up."

If we had a better comics marketplace than the one we deserved, Dorkin would be making bank; cranking out more stories like these. This was the first of three he did for DHP: the second was a bit of a shaggy-dog story; but the third is just as heartbreaking for Elsie, the female lead. Good stuff. Good, soul-crushing stuff.


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Why this isn't in the Sunday comics, I don't know...

I got Superman Villains Secret Files #1 because it was cheap, not because I had a burning curiosity about the state of Supes' rogues' gallery circa 1998. Still, it was stronger than expected: in the lead feature, Lex Luthor recaps the origins of several villains...as a bedtime story for his baby daughter Lena. (Whatever happened to her, anyway? Brainiac 13 something? I don't know. Same thing that happens to half the newborns in comics, anyway...) For good measure, writer/artist Stuart Immonen does the story portion in a Winsor McCay style that would look just as good on the Sunday comics page. Why doesn't DC spring for tha...ah, I thought about newspaper distribution numbers and may have answered my own question.

Even though at the time the Toyman was a really creepy child murderer, and it's mentioned elsewhere this same issue; Evan Dorkin and Stephen DeStefano apparently didn't get the memo and delivered a fun catalog piece instead. Bless 'em. The "Chatty Patsy Talking Ransom Doll," which you could actually have made to look like the kidnapped victim, is all kinds of wrong...and really pretty hysterical.

Superman sometimes doesn't have the strongest villain roster--I often think Metallo and Doomsday are classic Supes villains by default more than anything. (And Doomsday is coming up on twenty years old? Crap!) The Atomic Skull revamp was an interesting notion, with a faux movie serial background, but unfortunately made him a tragic character rather than a proper bad guy. The Cyborg has the plus of an interesting origin (psuedo-Reed Richards loses his four and his humanity, later passes himself off as Cyborg Superman, racks up a proper body count) but loses something every time he comes back from a certain end. Maxima and Obsession are two more attempts to add a female rogue for Supes; and two more misfires. Then we get down to Rock, Mainframe, and Riot: dregs.


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"War of the Gargantuas."

Click to giant--I mean, Goliath-size!

I really need to just cough up and buy War of the Gargantuas on DVD—it’s been a good 25 to 30 years since I’ve seen it, and I’m not even positive I’ve ever seen it all the way through. That and Frankenstein Conquers the World. Man, SyFy can run a full day of Saw like three days a month, but can’t spare a couple hours for these? Stupid world…

Anyway, the Marvel Universe Gigantic Battles Goliath/Thor Two Pack was marked down to $13 at a local Wal-Mart, so I picked him up. It’s All True had a post on the two, and as usual, OAFE has a solid review up; although yo apparently enjoyed Civil War more than I did. Admittedly, that wouldn’t be hard; and it’s a bit of cheek to package a character with the comic he dies in.

Of course, that was Bill Foster, formerly Black Goliath, and Giant-Man; whom we’ve mentioned here before as having a dismal win/loss record…geez, I was going to say like the Detroit Lions, but they’re doing great this year. Maybe the new Goliath could be compared to the current Lions, since he’s off to a good start as well: Bill’s nephew Tom assumed the mantle of his uncle, but so far hasn’t had the crushing defeats or pyrrhic victories his uncle did. (So far: he has joined Wonder Man’s…ugh, Revengers, a team dedicated to dishing out some comeuppance to Iron Man and/or the Avengers, which so far they’ve done by attacking the Avengers team without Iron Man, Cap, or Thor.) Blog@Newsarama was worried Tom had been killed, but that appears to have been a flashback to poor Bill.

War Machine’s role in this strip was lucky timing: I had just bought him a couple days prior, and although this one doesn’t unmask like the Marvel Legends version, he’s a good update.

And the other reason for today's title? A classic Milk & Cheese from Evan Dorkin:

From Milk & Cheese #666. Love it.

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A sad Captain America rerun!

Captain America's funeral: Tragic. Heartbreaking. And yet really familiar...

So, the other day I re-read Punisher/Captain America: Blood & Glory, a three-issue prestige miniseries from 1992. Klaus Janson's art carries it, but D.G. Chichester turns in a right fine story as well. But one moment--well, more than one, we'll come back to it--stuck with me: the bad guys put together some evidence framing Cap, then get it to the Punisher, so Frank shoots him. (Just like he shot Nick Fury, but in Frank's defense, apparently he can shoot good guys and they'll be OK.) Cap's hurt, but he'll live; but he tells Nick Fury to let him die. As far as anyone knows.

Cap plays dead to go undercover, which lasts about nine pages before he's recognized. He's even recognized out of uniform, more than once. But that scene seemed familiar...
(Picture taken from USA Today, since I couldn't find the issue with the actual funeral.) OK, like Cap's most recent funeral, where he was 100%, absolutely, positively, irrevocably dead. Until he wasn't.


For his funeral in the classic "the strange death of captain america" Cap was faking again, this time to re-establish his secret identity. Which he then kept and fiercely protected, until he didn't. (From Captain America #112, "as reported by Lee-Steranko-Palmer-Simek.")

Now, this time Cap may have been kinda dead: frozen in a block of ice again, this time to buy time for the Red Skull to stop Cap's degenerating Super-Soldier Serum; so the Skull can use Cap in a gambit to claim the Cosmic Cube. And the whole issue reads faster than that last sentence, and I mean that in a good way. (Of course! It's Captain America #445, "Operation: Rebirth, chapter one: Old Soldiers Never Die" Written by Mark Waid, pencils by Ron Garney, inks by Scott Koblish.)

This time, Captain America was supposedly killed in an explosion--OK, a really big explosion, a small town blown up by a Nazi suicide cult--but why Cap allowed everyone to believe he was dead isn't really clear, except to get a grim-as-hell miniseries set in South America and then a new first issue out of the deal. (The credit box is right there! But it's from Captain America #50, "Stars & Stripes Forever" Written by Evan Dorkin, art by Kevin Maguire; and I would not have minded at all if they had done a ton more Cap stories.)


OK, now that's a What If? so it doesn't strictly count, but still. From #26, "What If Captain America had been elected president?" Written by Mike W. Barr, art by Herb Trimpe and Mike Esposito.

So, let's see here: we've got funerals from 1968, 1981 (with an asterisk, the What If?) 1992, 1995, 2002, and 2007. And while three of them are completely faked, with Cap's complicity; his friends grieve for real each time. I for one would be pretty damn thrilled to have the Thing as a pallbearer, but I think I'd just be happy to have more than one funeral...



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Not to seem down on Christmas, but...

Not a very good day, Thursday. I'm not going to go into it, but not the best day ever. So, when I had a minute, I went to a big ol' pile of comic book comfort food: my pile of Evan Dorkin comics, specifically Dork! and Milk and Cheese. One of my favorites, and a seasonal strip at that, after the break! This one's puerile, juvenile, vulgar, and sacrilegious, and I still love it. Ho ho ho...

From Evan Dorkin's Milk & Cheese's 3rd number one; "Cheesus Christ all Milky!"



I would personally love it if Dorkin was still cranking out an issue or two a year; but it seems like it's been a while. Still, these still make me feel better on a day like today, and for that I thank him. Things'll get better, hope you all aren't woefully offended by this one, and go see Tron this weekend!

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Quite probably my favorite thought balloon ever:

Called out as a criminal and pirate on live TV, Ron realizes things are going to get worse before they get better, in Evan Dorkin's Pirate Corp$! #1. I feel the same way, since this week may be a little sparse, but we definitely have a new strip up on Wednesday. See you then, if not sooner.

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Captain America's funeral: Heartbreaking. Tragic. And yet really familiar...

So, the other day I re-read Punisher/Captain America: Blood & Glory, a three-issue prestige miniseries from 1992. Klaus Janson's art carries it, but D.G. Chichester turns in a right fine story as well. But one moment--well, more than one, we'll come back to it--stuck with me: the bad guys put together some evidence framing Cap, then get it to the Punisher, so Frank shoots him. (Just like he shot Nick Fury, but in Frank's defense, apparently he can shoot good guys and they'll be OK.) Cap's hurt, but he'll live; but he tells Nick Fury to let him die. As far as anyone knows.

Cap plays dead to go undercover, which lasts about nine pages before he's recognized. He's even recognized out of uniform, more than once. But that scene seemed familiar...
(Picture taken from USA Today, since I couldn't find the issue with the actual funeral.) OK, like Cap's most recent funeral, where he was 100%, absolutely, positively, irrevocably dead. Until he wasn't.


For his funeral in the classic "the strange death of captain america" Cap was faking again, this time to re-establish his secret identity. Which he then kept and fiercely protected, until he didn't. (From Captain America #112, "as reported by Lee-Steranko-Palmer-Simek.")

Now, this time Cap may have been kinda dead: frozen in a block of ice again, this time to buy time for the Red Skull to stop Cap's degenerating Super-Soldier Serum; so the Skull can use Cap in a gambit to claim the Cosmic Cube. And the whole issue reads faster than that last sentence, and I mean that in a good way. (Of course! It's Captain America #445, "Operation: Rebirth, chapter one: Old Soldiers Never Die" Written by Mark Waid, pencils by Ron Garney, inks by Scott Koblish.)

This time, Captain America was supposedly killed in an explosion--OK, a really big explosion, a small town blown up by a Nazi suicide cult--but why Cap allowed everyone to believe he was dead isn't really clear, except to get a grim-as-hell miniseries set in South America and then a new first issue out of the deal. (The credit box is right there! But it's from Captain America #50, "Stars & Stripes Forever" Written by Evan Dorkin, art by Kevin Maguire; and I would not have minded at all if they had done a ton more Cap stories.)


OK, now that's a What If? so it doesn't strictly count, but still. From #26, "What If Captain America had been elected president?" Written by Mike W. Barr, art by Herb Trimpe and Mike Esposito.

So, let's see here: we've got funerals from 1968, 1981 (with an asterisk, the What If?) 1992, 1995, 2002, and 2007. And while three of them are completely faked, with Cap's complicity; his friends grieve for real each time. I for one would be pretty damn thrilled to have the Thing as a pallbearer, but I think I'd just be happy to have more than one funeral...

Read more!